


Genesis

by hondansadeensommar



Series: Genesis [1]
Category: EXO (Band), Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alternate Universe, Anxiety, Courtship, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, Multi, Past Abuse, Pre-debut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-30
Updated: 2018-08-13
Packaged: 2018-10-25 14:15:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 51
Words: 82,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10765920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hondansadeensommar/pseuds/hondansadeensommar
Summary: Being chosen to debut was the easy part.  Living with a pack when you don't feel like you belong was another story entirely.*RATING HAS BEEN CHANGED*





	1. Day One

Changkyun stood awkwardly behind the rest of the group, watching as Gunhee and Seokwon said their goodbyes to everyone else.  They were leaving the dorm - even though they were still Starship trainees, the company had moved those not debuting with the group into another dorm, so that the seven who had been chosen to form Monsta X could focus on building relationships within the group.  In the back of his mind, Changkyun couldn’t help worrying that it would be seen as his fault - he hadn’t even trained with the company before he’d been placed in No.Mercy, and Changkyun knew that his lack of relationship with most of his _hyungs_ could be considered a weakness.

It wasn’t for a lack of effort on Changkyun’s part; while he hadn’t gotten the opportunity to spend much time with some of his _hyungs_ yet, he had taken the few opportunities he’d gotten to try and talk with them.  But Changkyun wasn’t sure that it would be enough, and the more instinctive side of his brain was starting to stress over his position in the group and whether or not he would be accepted.  It didn’t help that he was the only member chosen that hadn’t presented with a subgender yet, making it difficult for Changkyun to know just where he fit into the group’s dynamics.

While it wasn’t required for Idol groups to form a pack, it was definitely a common occurrence and Changkyun had a feeling that it would happen with his _hyungs_ before long, given how close everyone else had been before he’d even met them.  The only question in his mind was whether or not he would fit in enough to join the pack when the time came.  As things stood, the group would form a well-balanced pack, with two members of each subgender.  No matter what he presented as, the group wouldn’t really _need_ Changkyun.  If he ended up as an omega, or even a beta, he had a chance of being able to join them without upsetting the stability of the group.  But if he was an alpha… Changkyun didn’t want to think about the fact that he likely wouldn’t be part of their pack.

“Hey, kid…”  Changkyun looked up, surprised that Gunhee was addressing him specifically a serious look on the alpha’s face as he spoke.  “Work hard, alright?  They need you as much as you need them now.”  Changkyun just nodded, looking down at his feet.  He could feel the tears from he previous night starting to sting at his eyes again, but the last thing Changkyun wanted to do was start crying in front of everyone else again.  It wasn’t exactly something he wanted to relive from the previous night’s filming.

No one spoke again until the door had shut, leaving the remaining seven alone together for the first time.  “Right… we should all sit down and talk about what happens next.”  Changkyun nodded at Hyunwoo’s words, following the other six back into the living room and carefully sitting down at the head of what had become his bunk since he’d arrived.  The rest of them had all found other spots around the room, with only Jooheon sitting on the bottom bunk along with him.

“We only have today to talk about what we want to do regarding becoming a pack, so I guess we need to make a decision,” Hyunwoo commented.  The eldest was an alpha - a fact that had made him the natural choice to be their leader, even if he was a bit more socially awkward than the other older members of the group.

“Let’s do it.”  Changkyun wasn’t surprised that Minhyuk was the first to respond.  The group’s eldest omega was a bit more impulsive than some of the others, and Changkyun could see that he was excited about the prospect of being part of a pack, even if some of the other members didn’t look quite so certain.  

Packs brought stability, and omegas needed to know that they always had people there to provide them with the attention they needed, particularly during heats.  And while Changkyun knew from the time he’d been living with everyone that all of Starship’s omega trainees were given medication to control their heats during busy times, Jooheon had explained that they were supposed to stop taking the pills at certain times to avoid medical complications caused by not having a heat for an extended period of time.

“If we’re going to form a pack, we should be one pack,” Hoseok commented.  “I’m not opposed to letting you be pack alpha, _hyung_ , if that’s what everyone else wants.  I don’t want to risk having to compete against you again.”  Changkyun was a little surprised at the younger alpha’s immediate willingness to defer to the elder, although he supposed it made sense.  Both of the alphas tended to be peacemakers, a trait more commonly associated with betas, and they did their best to keep their cool even under pressure.  In Changkyun’s mind, it really made both of them strong potential leaders.

“I agree… one pack, or no pack,” Jooheon added.  The group’s younger omega had clearly done the math to realize that two packs would be less than ideal for himself and Minhyuk.  Omegas needed each other, and packs needed omegas.  The only way to have more than one pack was for the two of them to not be part of the same pack, and while it _could_ work with enough effort, it was far from ideal to not have at least one other omega in the pack.

“It would be balanced if we were all one pack… we have an even number of everyone here.  But if we split, there’s no guarantee the split will be balanced.”  Changkyun looked down at the floor at Kihyun’s words, feeling slightly left out at the fact that no one seemed to remember that he was there - still not presented, and still unsure of what his subgender would be.  Still, he couldn’t blame the beta - he was focusing on the current practicalities of the situation.

Hyungwon seemed to be the first to realize that Changkyun was being forgotten.  “Until Changkyun- _ah_ presents, you mean… we still don’t know what he’ll be.  And he may not want to be part of our pack when he does get there,” the group’s second beta added.

There was a moment of silence, before Hyunwoo spoke.  “We don’t know when that will happen… but if we do become a pack, we have to all understand that Changkyun- _ah_ is free to choose between us and any other packs that may want him.  Or to form his own pack, if he becomes an alpha.  No one can be forced to join us.”  Changkyun watched as all of his _hyungs_ nodded in agreement with their leader’s words.

“Should we vote, then?” Kihyun asked.

“Changkyun- _ah_ … you shouldn’t vote.  You can choose when you’ve presented, but you shouldn’t feel pressured to agree to this when you aren’t in a position to really know what you want yet.”  Although he was sure that Hoseok meant well, the words were like a knife being twisted in his gut.  Not voting meant that he didn’t belong - something that definitely stung, because he felt that it implied that he wasn’t really a part of Monsta X, either.  Still, Changkyun nodded, keeping his eyes trained on the floor so that he wouldn’t give away just how much it hurt to know that he wasn’t considered enough a part of the group to have a say in something so important.

“If you want to be a pack, raise your hand.”  Changkyun couldn’t help glancing up, realizing that all six of the older men were raising their hands.  He kept his own hands in his lap; this wasn’t his decision to make.  “Okay, then.  I think it’s only fair that we let the others pick who becomes pack alpha, Hoseok- _ah_ … I don’t feel right taking the title unless it’s the pack’s decision.”

“I’ll agree to that.”

Changkyun tuned out most of the discussion taking place.  If he wasn’t part of the pack, it wasn’t his business who they chose.  Hyunwoo was their group leader, and if the rest of the group chose Hoseok as their pack leader, it really wasn’t going to affect Changkyun unless he presented and chose to join the pack.  And outsiders had no right to interfere in pack affairs.  Until he presented and chose whether or not he would take the pack alpha’s bite, it wasn’t any of Changkyun’s business, because pack decisions and group decisions were separate.

“So we’re agreed, then?  Hyunwoo- _hyung_ should be pack alpha, as well as our group leader?”  

Changkyun looked up at Minhyuk’s question to see Jooheon, Kihyun, and Hyugnwon nodding in agreement.  He was surprised at how quickly the decision had been made, but even more surprising was the fact that Hoseok was smiling slightly at the rest of them, even though he had been their other option.  “Congratulations then, _hyung_.  I think they made the right choice.”

“You would have been a good choice, too, Hoseok _-ah_.  And this doesn’t mean that you don’t get a say… I don’t want to be a dictator, and I want all of you to be comfortable telling me what you think,” Hyunwoo replied.  “I think we should consider fixing the current sleeping arrangements… we have more beds than we need, and I’m sure the company wants to move the extra bunks so that they’re available for the next round of trainees.  Plus, it doesn’t make sense to have a bunk all the way out here, when we’re supposed to be working on becoming a team.”

“I’d like to have Changkyun- _ah_ in my room…” Changkyun looked up, a little surprised at how quickly Jooheon had jumped in to request having him in the same room.

“I’ll stay with Jooheon, too…” Minhyuk began.  “I like my current bed.  And I don’t particularly want to have to move all of my stuff today.”

“Changkyun- _ah_ … does that work for you?”  Changkyun was surprised to find Hyunwoo addressing him directly, asking for his opinion on the subject.  In his family pack, the pack alpha had typically made minor decisions like that without consulting anyone else, so he wasn’t quite sure how to react to the fact that Hyunwoo was giving him the choice.

“Sure, _hyung_.”  

“Alphas and betas in one room, omegas and Changkyun in the other?” Kihyun suggested.

“That works… we can make adjustments when Changkyun- _ah_ presents, if we need to,” Hyunwoo replied.  “Let’s get to work, then.  We need to move stuff around and clean up, so that I can call the managers to get the extra furniture moved out.  Then maybe it won’t feel quite so cramped in here.”

Changkyun nodded, following Jooheon’s lead as the older rapper stood up, heading into the room that Changkyun would be sharing with the group’s two omegas.  “If you’re afraid of heights…”

“I can sleep up top, _hyung_.  It isn’t a problem.”  While he would have preferred a bottom bunk, Changkyun didn’t feel right complaining about the sleeping arrangements when his roommates had been there much longer than he had.

“Okay, then.  I can help you move your stuff, if you want?”

Changkyun forced a smile.  “Thanks, _hyung_.  I’d appreciate it.”

The group spent most of the day cleaning and rearranging the small apartment, until everything was fairly well organized and the extra furniture was all moved into the living room so that it would be easier for someone to come move it out of the space.  Changkyun even helped Minhyuk and Jooheon straighten up the small room they used as a nest, making sure that everything was cleaned up and ready for the next time the space was needed.  By dinner time, Changkyun was exhausted and just ready to lay down for the night.

“Changkyun- _ah_ … go ahead and get the first shower,” Hyunwoo commented, once he and Kihyun had finished washing the dishes.  Changkyun nodded, grabbing a change of clothes and heading in to shower.

It wasn’t until he got out of the shower that Changkyun realized what the leader’s suggestion that he shower first actually meant.  While he hadn’t been in there long, everyone else had disappeared behind the closed door that led to the nest he’d helped clean earlier in the day.  Even though he hadn’t presented yet, Changkyun couldn’t help feeling that he wasn’t in the other room because he wasn’t wanted here.  That it would have been better if Gunhee had gotten his place, because at least the alpha rapper had fit in with the rest of the group.  Changkyun didn’t belong.

Changkyun climbed up into his new bunk as quickly as he could after turning off the light, turning towards the wall so that neither of his roommates would notice the tears in his eyes if they bothered to come back that night.  Changkyun wasn’t sure if the older men would even leave the nest that night, after they were done with whatever pack business had to be handled without him.

Changkyun wasn’t sure how long he lay there, silently letting the tears escape as he tried to think about anything other than the fact that he was alone, separated from everyone else in his group.  He could see the lights turn on even through his closed eyelids, but he didn’t give any indication that he was still awake.

“Changkyun- _ah_ … you awake?”  Changkyun didn’t respond to Jooheon’s question, even as he felt the older rapper putting a hand on his back.  “Changkyun- _ah_?”

“Is he coming?”  Changkyun instantly recognized Kihyun’s voice.

“I guess he’s asleep already…”

“Let him sleep, then… we have a busy schedule tomorrow, and we’re all going to need as much rest as we can get,” Kihyun replied.  He couldn’t help the sadness that built up in his stomach as he felt Jooheon remove his hand, before the light was turned off and Changkyun was left to cry himself to sleep.


	2. Breathe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry that this has taken so long; I ended up rewriting the entire chapter today because my original draft just wasn't working with where I want this story to go. Hopefully the next chapter will be up more quickly, but I'm not making any promises!

Being a part of Monsta X when he wasn’t in the pack was difficult - much more difficult than it had been when Taehyuk, Jeongwook, and Byunghwa had decided to go ahead and form a pack before Changkyun and Jongyeon presented.  At least with his former group, Changkyun hadn’t been the only one under twenty - he and Jongyeon had been able to talk to one another and everything had been okay.  But with Monsta X, Changkyun was alone.  And despite the fact that his group members were no longer giving him the cold shoulder, Changkyun couldn’t help feeling as if he really didn’t belong with the pack.

There was always the thought in the back of Changkyun’s mind that he didn’t fit - that someone had made a horrible mistake, and he wasn’t actually supposed to be there with the rest of the group.  And it only seemed to get worse as time went on and Changkyun could see that everyone else was improving and getting ready to debut.  But what Changkyun didn’t see was his own dancing improving; he was still struggling with the dance to go along with their title track, and Changkyun couldn’t help feeling as if everyone was getting annoyed with him for holding them back in dance practices.

It wasn’t that anyone was openly hostile towards Changkyun; if anything, they were much kinder and more understanding than they had been during No.Mercy.  But that only seemed to make him feel more guilty, and to make the anxiety worse.

“You’ve almost got it, Changkyun- _ah_ …”  Changkyun just nodded, watching silently as Jooheon showed him the move he’d missed yet again and trying to figure out how he was getting off the beat every time.  

Before he could actually figure it out, their manager entered the practice room with two bags filled with lunch boxes.  “Lunch, guys… go ahead and eat, you can finish dance practice afterwards.”  There was a flurry of activity as everyone else rushed towards the food as soon as they were given the go-ahead, although Jooheon hung back for a moment with Changkyun.

“I’ll help you with it after we eat, yeah?”

“Yeah, _hyung_ ,” Changkyun replied, nodding and forcing a smile for the older rapper’s benefit.  The last thing Changkyun wanted was to admit that he was starting to feel discouraged by everything.

The food was already being passed around by the time Changkyun and Jooheon joined the rest of the group, with people exchanging bits of food from their own boxes to suit their own tastes and diets.  Changkyun just watched, picking at the food in his box and occasionally taking a few bites when he started to feel as if someone was watching him more closely.  The anxiety was building again, making it difficult to stomach the idea of eating much of anything.  

Changkyun did his best to eat, despite the fact that his stomach was churning, but eventually he was forced to close his lunch box and push it away for fear of making himself actually get sick.  Luckily, no one really seemed to notice that he hadn’t eaten much as Changkyun stood up and walked over to pull his iPod out of his bag and pretend to check the time in his parents’ current city.  “ _Hyung_ … is it okay if I use one of the computers in the rehearsal studio to call my mom?” he asked softly, trying not to make it obvious to his _hyungs_ that he was asking the manager to leave for a while.  He didn’t really need to talk to his parents; Changkyun just needed a _break_ from everything that was going on around them.

“FaceTime only, right?” the manager asked.  Changkyun nodded quickly, thankful when the manager quickly agreed to his request.  “It’s fine, then.  But you only have about ten minutes left…”

“I’ll make it quick.  Thank you, _hyung_.”

The halls were almost always busy, but Changkyun was able to quickly find an empty vocal rehearsal room with a computer.  He turned the monitor slightly so that anyone who looked into the room wouldn’t be able to see that he wasn’t actually talking to someone.  Changkyun just needed a few minutes to himself, so that he could breathe and calm the rising anxiety that was beginning to make it difficult for Changkyun to keep down the small amount of food he’d managed to eat a few moments earlier.

Being alone was calming, despite the fact that Changkyun always craved physical affection - something he had yet to admit to anyone else in Monsta X, for fear that they would misunderstand or be annoyed by his neediness.  Without the ever-watchful eyes of his _hyungs_ , Changkyun felt as if he could actually breathe easily for the first time all day.  The pressure in his chest released slightly, and he could feel his stomach starting to calm down.  Even though Changkyun knew that it would all be back again as soon as they had to return to rehearsing, at least the few moments of peace were enough to give him a bit of a break.

Changkyun wasn’t sure how long he sat there, zoned out and staring at the computer screen as he focused on breathing to try and relax the tension that had been building up for days.  It was the sensation of Jooheon’s hand on his shoulder, which made Changkyun jump in surprise, that finally snapped him out of his reverie.  “Hey… you okay, Kyun- _ah_?”

Changkyun sighed, nodding and forcing a smile for Jooheon as he tried to calm down his racing heart.  “Yeah… yeah, I’m fine.  Just tired,” Changkyun replied.  “It’s time to get back to work, right?”

Jooheon didn’t look convinced by Changkyun’s response, especially when Changkyun nearly lost his balance trying to get up from his chair.  The older rapper was quick to grab his elbow, helping Changkyun steady himself before he questioned what had happened.  “You look really pale… are you sure that you’re feeling okay?”

“I’m really just tired,” Changkyun replied, shaking his head slowly.  “We should get back, before anyone starts to worry.”

“You’re really homesick, aren’t you?” Jooheon asked softly.  Changkyun was surprised, unsure of where the older rapper had gotten that idea.  “You didn’t eat much at lunch, and then you asked to come call your parents and looked pretty far out of it when I came looking for you.”

Changkyun did his best to take a deep breath, closing his eyes and sitting back down because he couldn’t really think straight.  “I didn’t call my parents…” he admitted softly, reaching up to push the hair out of his face.  “I just needed to get away for a little while… it was all just too much right now…”

Feeling Jooheon putting his arm around Changkyun’s shoulders was alien, and yet somehow it felt _right_.  Changkyun couldn’t help leaning into the man’s embrace, resting his head against the omega rapper’s shoulder as he fought back the tears that were suddenly threatening to fall.  “Talk to me… what’s going on?”

“I’m sorry…”

“For what?” Jooheon asked softly.  Changkyun could feel the older man gently stroking his back, doing his best to provide comfort even though Jooheon had no clue what was going on inside Changkyun’s head at that moment.  It took Changkyun too long to respond, and he felt Jooheon gently lifting his face so that he could look Changkyun in the eyes as the _maknae_ did his best to not let the tears start to fall.  “Shit… you’re crying…”

“I’m sorry,” Changkyun repeated, shaking his head and pulling away.  “I’m trying, _hyung_ … I promise.  I just need a few minutes to calm down, and then I’ll be ready to go back.  I can get it right.”

“Is that really all that’s bothering you?  That you’re still struggling with the dance?”  Changkyun could feel Jooheon gently stroking his hair, even as he reached up to wipe away the few tears that had managed to escape while he was talking.  He wanted to lie, to tell the omega that everything going on in his head was because he was struggling with the dance and that he would be fine when he got it right.  But he couldn’t get the lie to come out of his mouth.

After a moment of silence, Changkyun sighed.  “You know I trained with another company before I came to Starship…”

“Yeah… a lot of people get let go from their first company, though.  It doesn’t mean anything…”

“I was supposed to debut a couple of months ago,” Changkyun replied, doing his best to keep his voice as flat and emotionless as possible, even though talking about the whole ordeal was still painful.  It was an open wound, even though it had been more than half a year since everything had fallen to pieces, and Changkyun knew that it wasn’t going to be pleasant to bring his _hyung_ in on the whole disastrous mess.  “I was chosen to be part of another group a while ago… we did the whole Lotte World showcase and everything.  And then at the end of June, the company told us that our contracts were being cancelled, without any real warning about what was going on…”

There was a moment of silence as Changkyun trailed off, until Jooheon finally spoke up.  “I’m sorry… but you don’t have to worry about that happening with Starship, you know.  We’re going to debut…”

“I’m not worried that we won’t debut,” Changkyun replied softly, shaking his head.  “I can’t… I know I don’t really belong here, _hyung_.  That this was never supposed to be my place.  And I feel guilty, because I know that I’m holding everyone back…”

“Changkyun- _ah_ … stop.”  Changkyun looked up at the omega’s words, surprised to see the pain in Jooheon’s eyes.  “You got your spot in Monsta X because you were a better rapper than Gunhee- _ah_.  The fact that you’re struggling with the dance doesn’t mean that you’re any less deserving of your spot in this group than anyone else here.  We have more experience with this than you do, because we’re been training for longer than you have…”

“Gunhee- _ssi_ would have joined the pack,” Changkyun replied softly, turning his head away from the older man again.

“No, he wouldn’t have,” Jooheon replied, shaking his head.  “Gunhee- _ah_ is one of my best friends, and I love him.  But he wouldn’t have fit in the pack, and he’s much happier on his own than he would be if he’d gotten your spot.  I wanted to debut with him, but now that I’ve worked with you I can see that he would be better as a solo rapper, rather than a member of an Idol group.”

Changkyun closed his eyes, still feeling his stomach churning with everything that was going on in his head.  “But I’m still the outsider.  Yoonho or Seokwon would have been better.  They were your friends…”

“But that doesn’t make either of them the right choice as our seventh member.  They aren’t ready to debut - but you _are_.  You’ve been chosen to debut twice, by two different companies.  And we all just need time to get to know you for real.  We _want_ to get to know you… but you’ve been keeping a lot of things to yourself.  Things that you _need_ to let out and tell us about, especially if it’s hurting you…”

Jooheon’s words stung a bit, but Changkyun could understand where he was coming from.  Changkyun understood that he hadn’t exactly been open with his _hyungs_ about what he was feeling.  “I’m sorry, _hyung_ …”

“Don’t apologize, okay?  Just _talk_ to us about what’s going on, so that we can help you through all of this,” Jooheon replied.  Changkyun nodded slowly.  “I know that you don’t feel like you belong… but you _do_ , Changkyun- _ah_.  We want to be here for you, just as much as we’re all there for each other already.  But we don’t know _how_ to do that when we don’t know what’s going on in your head.”

There was a knock on the door at that, and Changkyun didn’t have a chance to wipe away the tears before the door was opened again, allowing Hoseok into the room.  “Hey… Hyunwoo- _hyung_ wanted to know what’s taking so long…”  Changkyun could hear the man’s voice trail off.  “Is everything okay?”

“It’s fine,” Changkyun replied, shaking his head and wiping at the tears in his eyes.

“Changkyun- _ah_ …”  He could hear the warning in the omega’s voice as Jooheon reached out to put a hand on his shoulder.  “This is exactly what I’m talking about…”

Hoseok sat down in the last remaining chair in the room, and Changkyun could see the concern in his eyes.  Changkyun could feel his chest starting to tighten again; somehow, having both of the older men in the room made him feel trapped and it certainly wasn’t helping his current mental state.  “Did something happen?  Are your parents okay?”

“My parents are fine,” Changkyun replied, shaking his head.  “I’m the one that’s fucking things up…”

“You _aren’t_ ,” Jooheon interrupted.  “ _Hyung_ , please tell him that he hasn’t ruined anything…”

“What are you talking about, Changkyun- _ah_?” Hoseok asked softly.  “Look, if it’s about the dance, it isn’t a big deal.  You’ve almost got it, and we still have time…”

“I don’t belong here!”  Changkyun didn’t expect his own explosive response, but once it started he wasn’t able to contain it.  “None of you fucking wanted me here, but someone fucked up and now you’re stuck with me, and I know that you all wish I would just disappear!”

There was a brief moment of silence as Changkyun tried to disappear into the corner of the room, doing his best to keep the tears at bay even though he wanted nothing more than to just let it all go and ignore the fact that the alpha and the omega were staring at him in shock.

“None of us wish that you were gone, Changkyun- _ah_ …” Hoseok whispered softly.  “I know that we really fucked things up when you first joined us, but none of us ever really hated you…”

Even though he heard the words, Changkyun couldn’t bring himself to believe that they were true.  He _wanted_ to believe the alpha’s words; Changkyun _wanted_ to be cared about.  But he couldn’t get his brain to stop telling him that he was just a fuck up, and that he was getting in everyone else’s way.  “You don’t have to lie to make me feel better, _hyung_ ,” Changkyun replied softly, not looking up at the older men.

“It’s not a lie… and we _do_ want you here with us,” Hoseok assured.  “You’re talented, and you earned this just as much as anyone else did.  I’m sorry if we ever made you feel as if you didn’t deserve to be chosen to debut.  We were upset to see our friends leave, and we fucked up by taking it out on you…”

“We were wrong… but we were too stupid to see it until we’d already hurt you.  And we really are sorry, Changkyun- _ah_ ,” Jooheon added.

There was silence for a few moments, until Hoseok stood up.  “I’m going to go talk to the manager and see if we can get some time off this afternoon.  We need to fix this…”


	3. Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm not quite sure how I managed to write this so quickly, but here's a new chapter for you to make up for how long the last chapter took!
> 
> Also, I'm super excited because my friends and I are planning on getting tickets to see Monsta X on their world tour in July!!!

Changkyun couldn’t help feeling guilty as the whole group sat in a circle in the nest.  It was the first time he’d really been in the room since the day Gunhee and Seokwon had moved out of the dorm, mostly because Changkyun had been actively trying to avoid the space ever since he’d first seen the pack bites appear the following morning.  But Hyunwoo hadn’t given him a choice - the pack alpha had put an arm around his shoulders and guided him into the space as soon as they’d gotten home after Hoseok had begged the manager for the afternoon off to deal with “pack business.”

All six of his _hyungs_ seemed to be watching Changkyun, waiting for him to speak first.  But he didn’t know what to say.  Finally, Hoseok spoke up.  “We fucked up, and we need to talk about it before things get any further out of hand,” the group’s younger alpha commented.  “Changkyun- _ah_ …”

“Please don’t lie to me, _hyungs_ …” he began softly, not looking up at the others.  “I know that none of you wanted me here…”

“We don’t feel that way any more,” Hyungwon interrupted.  “I won’t deny that we were unhappy when you joined No.Mercy, because it didn’t seem fair when we’d just lost Minkyun.  It seemed like they were trying to replace him.”

“I’m ashamed of the way we treated you at first,” Minhyuk added.  “We were horrible to you, and you never deserved that.”  Changkyun couldn’t bring himself to look at the rest of the group, staring down at the bed instead.

“I think I speak for everyone when I say that we’re all sorry for the way we treated you,” Kihyun added.  The beta put his hand gently on Changkyun’s knee, but the touch didn’t do anything to calm the nerves that were starting to threaten his ability to keep lunch down again.  He wanted to vomit, or to run away again, or to do anything but sit here and listen to his _hyungs_ try to talk about everything that had gone on.  Changkyun couldn’t shake the feeling that they were lying to him for the sake of their upcoming debut - that no one wanted to admit how they really felt for fear that it would ruin everything if they ran Changkyun off.

“Changkyun- _ah_ … please talk to us.”  Hoseok’s words made the tears begin to sting at Changkyun’s eyes again, and he buried his face in his hands.  It was all becoming too much again - Changkyun missed the comfort of having Jongyeon to talk to when the _hyungs_ were busy dealing with “pack business,” and the way his _hyungs_ would always immediately pull the two of them into the nest as soon as things were settled to give them extra attention - something that Changkyun and Jongyeon both appreciated.  But here, Changkyun didn’t get the same type of affection.  Jooheon and Minhyuk would pull him in for brief moments of skinship on occasion, but it was awkward and uncomfortable because Changkyun knew that they didn’t mean it in the way he wanted them to.  In the way he _craved_ to be held by someone that actually cared about him.

It was a soft hand on his back that finally brought Changkyun back to reality, as Hyunwoo gently rubbed his back in a slightly awkward attempt at comforting him.  “It’s okay, Changkyun- _ah_ ,” the pack alpha commented.  “Take your time… we can wait.  We aren’t going anywhere.”

Changkyun took a shaky breath, forcing himself to sit up.  He leaned his head against Jooheon’s shoulder before he spoke, silently seeking the comfort of the only person that knew even a small part of what was going on in his head.  “I trained with Special K for two years… I left my family behind when I was sixteen, because I _needed_ to be in South Korea to make it.  I’d been with them for a little over a year when they officially announced that Taehyuk- _hyung_ , Byunghwa- _hyung_ , Jeongwook- _hyung_ , Jongyeon- _ah_ , and I were going to be debuting together as a group.”

“Shit…” Hoseok muttered softly.

“But… if you were supposed to debut with them, why did you leave?” Hyungwon asked.

“They cancelled our contracts back in June.  All of us,” Changkyun replied, shaking his head.  “We were told we had until the end of the month to leave the dorm… I had to move in with my grandparents in Gwangju, and the _hyungs_ had to split up even though they’d already formed a pack because they didn’t have money to find their own place together.”  Changkyun could feel the tears slipping down his face again.  “They were like my family… before everything fell apart, I knew that I was going to join the pack when the time came.  Taehyuk- _hyung_ and I had already talked about it…”  Changkyun shook his head, closing his eyes.  “I saw Byunghwa- _hyung_ a few weeks before I joined Starship, at an audition for another company.  I didn’t get to talk to him, because things were crazy, but his bite was gone and he looked like shit…”

Changkyun felt Jooheon wrapping an arm around him, squeezing his shoulders.  “You think the pack broke up?” he asked.

“It’s the only explanation I can think of,” Changkyun replied softly.  “I don’t… I belonged with Nu’bility.  I belonged with the pack.  But now I don’t know where I belong any more…”

There was a moment of silence, before Jooheon pulled Changkyun into a tight hug.  “You belong here.  With us.”

Changkyun shook his head.  “It doesn’t feel like I belong here… I still feel like I’m an outsider.  I don’t know what my place is here, or how I’m supposed to _do_ this…”  There was no more pretense of holding back the tears; Changkyun couldn’t stop them from freely flowing down his face as he spoke.  “I can still pretend for the cameras, and I’m going to do my best not to fuck things up.”

“We don’t want you to have to pretend…” Hoseok began.  “We’re going to fix this, Changkyun- _ah_.  We _want_ to fix this.”  There was a soft murmur of agreement from the other men sitting around him, and Changkyun looked up slightly to see the pain in everyone else’s faces at his revelation.  “I know that we can’t change the fact that your old group split up and you lost those relationships.  But we don’t want you to feel like an outsider.  The company chose you for a reason.”

There was a soft murmur of agreement at the younger alpha’s words, and Changkyun felt the group’s older rapper pulling him closer and stroking his hair.  “How can we convince you that we want you here, Changkyun- _ah_?”

Changkyun shook his head, burying his face in the man’s neck and trying to stop the tears from falling.  “I don’t know…” he began softly.  “I don’t know why I can’t make myself believe you… I don’t know why this is all making me fuck everything up so badly.  I’m sorry…”

 

***

 

Changkyun didn’t remember falling asleep; the last thing he really remembered was the long, exhausting conversation about what had happened to Nu’bility and where he fit in with Monsta X.  He remembered the rest of the group doing their best to convince him that he _was_ supposed to be a member of the group - that there hadn’t been a mistake.  

But the familiar, unsettled feeling in the pit of his stomach was still there and Changkyun felt uncomfortable having Jooheon and Minhyuk both wrapped around his body.  Changkyun remembered having Jooheon next to him before he’d fallen asleep, but he had no memory of Minhyuk joining them and turning into a koala, wrapping his arms and legs around Changkyun’s body in a rather tight hug.  As much as Changkyun wanted to relax into the embrace, he couldn’t help the urge to push his _hyungs_ away.  In the back of his head, Changkyun couldn’t help the thought that neither of the older men would be curled up like that with him if they were awake enough to recognize that it was him.

Changkyun did his best to disentangle himself from the two omegas without waking them up, but Minhyuk was stronger than he looked and Changkyun found himself trapped in the man’s embrace  Under other circumstances, it should have been comforting.  But given Changkyun’s current mental state, it wasn’t a comfortable position to be stuck in.  It reminded him too much of Jongyeon’s tendency to cuddle up to him during the night and not let go - one of the many things Changkyun missed about his former members.  And the reminder just made it more difficult for Changkyun to deal with the fact that he _wasn’t_ with the friends that he had planned on debuting with, with his _hyungs_ and _dongsaeng_ from his original company.

“Stop squirming, Changkyun- _ah_ …” Minhyuk muttered, still half asleep as Changkyun tried to push the older man away.

“ _Hyung_ … _hyung_ , let me up, please…” Changkyun began, suddenly feeling the bile beginning to rise in his throat.  He needed to get up - to get away from the two omegas before Changkyun either got sick or lost control of his emotions again.  But Minhyuk was slow to grasp what was going on, and he was barely able to get away in time to rush into the bathroom and slam the door shut before the first loud, pained sob escaped his lips.  He didn’t know what was going on; logically, Changkyun knew that there was no reason for him to be this upset.  But at the same time, he couldn’t stop the overwhelming feeling of anxiety that had taken control of his brain.

There was a soft knock on the door as Changkyun tried to get  himself under control, letting his head lean against the wall even as his back stopped the door from opening.  “Changkyun- _ah_ … let me in, please…”  Hyunwoo’s voice was serious - not quite an order, but close enough that Changkyun _wanted_ to comply with the request despite his shaking hands and his inability to control the tears.  It took him a moment to move out of the way of the door, digging his nails into the palm of his hand as he tried his best to just _stop_ crying.  Hyunwoo was by his side a moment later, running a hand through his hair.  “Hey… hey, tell me what’s wrong…”

“I d-don’t know…” Changkyun replied, shaking his head as he pulled his knees to his chest.  He could hardly breathe, trying to stop the tears and calm down enough to actually process what was going on and answer the alpha’s question.  

The alpha seemed to realize that Changkyun couldn’t respond to him at that moment, and instead of pushing him further Hyunwoo simply sat down next to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulders to pull him into a hug.  “Hey… it’s okay.  You’re okay.”

“God, I’m s-sorry… I’m s-so sorry…”  Changkyun wanted to calm down; he wanted nothing more than to pull himself together and stop sobbing against the older man’s chest, but he _couldn’t_.  He couldn’t stop his brain from running a million miles a minute, jumping from one horrible thought to the next without any semblance of control.

_You’re never going to be good enough for this group._

_All you ever do is cause more problems._

_If you couldn’t be good enough for Nu’bility to debut, how could you possibly be good enough for this group?_

_You’re just going to hold them all back._

_It’s all going to be your fault when this pack fails, too._

“Changkyun- _ah_!”  Someone slapped his cheek, forcing Changkyun to pay attention as he opened his eyes.  His lungs burned with each breath, and he barely choked back a sob at the sensation even as he saw the look of relief that crossed Hyunwoo’s face.  “God… you scared me…”  Changkyun closed his eyes as the alpha gently stroked the side of his face where he’d slapped him a moment earlier, focusing on forcing oxygen back into his lungs.

“I’m sorry, _hyung_ ,” he whispered softly, reaching up to wipe away some of the tears that were still slipping down his face.

The alpha was quiet for a moment, before Hyunwoo carefully lifted Changkyun into a seated position and pulled him into his lap.  “You don’t have to apologize… you can’t exactly help having a panic attack,” the alpha replied softly, stroking Changkyun’s hair softly with one of his large hands.  The movement was comforting, and Changkyun found himself leaning into the alpha’s touch until Hyunwoo asked the question Changkyun had been dreading.  “Changkyun- _ah_ … do you think you need to talk to someone?”

Changkyun shook his head, pulling away from the older man and doing his best not to break down again.  “No, _hyung_ … I’ll be okay, I promise,” Changkyun replied.  “It’s just a bad day.  I just need to stop letting myself think about it all so much…”

Hyunwoo nodded, even though the alpha didn’t look completely convinced that Changkyun really knew what he was saying.  “Okay.  But you know that we’re here for you, if you need to talk.  You don’t have to go through it alone, when things get bad like this.  It’s easier if you share what’s going on.”


	4. Dance Practice

Waking up was difficult; Changkyun was still exhausted from the previous day’s emotional roller coaster, and despite everything that had been said and done he still didn’t want to get up and face his _hyungs_.  Hyunwoo had grudgingly let him go to his own bed to rest after he’d hyperventilated, and Changkyun had managed to beg out of getting up for dinner by claiming that he wasn’t hungry.  But despite the fact that he’d gotten more sleep than anyone else, Changkyun struggled to make his muscles move.

“Changkyun- _ah_ , we have to leave in an hour… it’s time to get up.”  Changkyun sighed at Kihyun’s words, pushing back the blankets as he started to get up slowly.  “Are you feeling okay?  You look kind of pale…” the older man began, reaching up to place a hand on Changkyun’s cheek for a moment.

“I’m just tired, _hyung_ ,” he replied softly.  “I didn’t sleep well…”

Kihyun smiled sadly at him.  “I’m sorry… I know we have dance practice this morning, but it’s vocal training for most of the afternoon, so hopefully today won’t be too bad.”

Changkyun nodded slowly, forcing a smile for the older man’s benefit.  “I’ll be okay, _hyung_.  It isn’t anything I can’t handle.”  Changkyun watched as the older man nodded, smiling before leaving the room to likely handle waking up the group’s resident sleepyhead, Hyungwon.  The younger beta always seemed to have a difficult time waking up, and Changkyun was used to seeing Kihyun disappear into the other bedroom repeatedly over the course of the morning to try and force Hyungwon out of bed.

“Have some coffee… you look like you could use it.”  Changkyun smiled gratefully at Jooheon as the older rapper shoved a cup of coffee into his hands as soon as he entered the kitchen, clearly deciding that Changkyun needed it more than he did.

“Thanks, _hyung_ ,”

“You going to be okay today?  Every time I woke up last night, you were tossing and turning…” Jooheon began.

“I’ll be fine,” Changkyun replied, doing his best to hold back the choking feeling that was starting to creep up on him again.  He couldn’t let himself give in to that anxiety again - not in front of his _hyungs_ , when they all had other, more important things that they needed to focus on.  Things like their impending debut.

Although Jooheon didn’t really look as if he was convinced by Changkyun’s words, he nodded and backed off to go finish getting ready for the day himself.  It didn’t take long for Changkyun to finish off the cup of coffee, and he hurried out of the kitchen when he was finished in the hope that no one would notice he hadn’t eaten.  His stomach was starting to churn again, and the thought of putting anything into it made him feel as though he would be sick at any moment.

The morning was rough; halfway through their morning dance rehearsal, Changkyun wasn’t sure if he was going to be able to make it through two more hours of intense dancing.  His head was spinning slightly, and he definitely felt as if he was going to be sick despite the fact that there was nothing in his stomach since he’d accidentally skipped two meals.  But he pushed through it, knowing that he couldn’t admit that he’d fucked up that badly.  Not when he was fairly sure everyone else in the group was frustrated with how much he’d been struggling with the dance.

“Right… let’s run it again.”  There were multiple groans of annoyance spreading through the room at Hyunwoo’s instructions, but everyone got up from where they’d camped out for a five minute break without much of a fuss and got back into their positions for another run.

Things were actually going well for a change, up until Hyunwoo’s brief solo came along.  They were all supposed to go down on one knee around him, but Changkyun lost his balance on the way down and tucked his left ankle underneath him at an unnatural angle that hurt like hell, just barely managing to avoid falling completely.  Although he was able to move the joint, the moment he tried to put his weight on his left foot again pain shot through his ankle and Changkyun felt the joint collapse under his weight.

It took a moment for the music to stop as he knelt on the floor, not looking up at his _hyungs_ as he tried to assess the damage without making it obvious that he was injured.  “Damn it, kid…” Hyungwon muttered.  

Changkyun could feel his cheeks heating up in embarrassment.  “I’m sorry, _hyungs_ … I’ll get it right this time,” Changkyun replied, bracing himself for the pain that he knew would come the moment he tried to put his weight on the injured ankle again.  

But Hoseok didn’t give him a chance to even try to stand up, as the alpha moved over to him and carefully forced Changkyun to sit back on the floor.  “You rolled your ankle, didn’t you?” he asked softly, taking Changkyun’s foot and moving it into his lap with one hand carefully holding the injured joint still.

“It’s fine, _hyung_ …” Changkyun replied, biting down on his lip to avoid wincing as Hoseok removed his shoe with slow, careful movements.  Each little movement hurt, and Changkyun could see that the side of his foot was already starting to swell once the sock was removed as well.

“It’s swelling…” Hoseok replied.  “Kihyun- _ah_ , will you go get a cold pack?  Jooheon- _ah_ , help me get him over to the bench, so we can put his foot up…”

“I’ve got him,” Hyunwoo interrupted.  Changkyun was surprised as the elder alpha quickly scooped him up and carried him across the room, carefully setting him down on the bench along the side of the room before lifting his injured foot up to place Changkyun’s bag underneath it.  He’d hardly managed to process what was going on before Hoseok was seated behind him, pulling Changkyun to rest back against his chest.  “Hyungwon- _ah_ , go get the manager and let him know that Changkyun- _ah_ is hurt.  He’s going to need to see a doctor…”

“It’s really not that bad…” Changkyun began softly, feeling guilty about the fact that he’d stopped the entire rehearsal with his clumsiness.  The whole group would suffer because he hadn’t been taking care of himself properly, and it had caused him to fall and get hurt.

“Changkyun- _ah_ , stop… your ankle is still swelling…” Hyunwoo interrupted.  “You’re staying off that foot for the rest of the morning.  No arguments.”

Kihyun was back before Changkyun could protest, cracking the cold pack to activate the chemical reaction that would make it like ice.  “Does anyone have a shirt or something?  This is going to be too cold…” the beta began.

“I’ve got it!”Jooheon replied, quickly grabbing his own bag and pulling out a spare tee shirt.  

The black fabric was quickly wrapped around the cold pack, before it was carefully placed over Changkyun’s rapidly swelling ankle.  He couldn’t help hissing at the cold, wincing and trying to pull away.  “Hold still, Changkyun- _ah_ … it’ll help.”

“What happened?”  Changkyun could feel his cheeks heating up again at the manager’s question, not looking up from his lap as the man walked up.

“Changkyun- _ah_ rolled his ankle while we were dancing,” Hoseok replied.  “He’s going to need to see a doctor… it was already really swollen before we could get a cold pack, and I don’t think he can put any weight on it…”  Changkyun watched as the manager sat down on the far end of the bench, carefully taking the cold pack off his foot and examining the swollen joint for a brief moment without actually touching it.  “It looks bad…”

“It’s probably a sprain… they swell pretty dramatically,” the manager replied.  “He definitely needs to see a doctor, to make sure there isn’t anything more serious going on.  Hyunwoo- _yah_ … I’m going to go downstairs and bring around the van, if you’ll bring him down in a couple of minutes.”

Changkyun felt awkward, sitting on the bench as the others took care of gathering up his belongings and getting everything ready for him to leave rehearsal.  “I’m sorry, _hyungs_ …” Changkyun began softly.

“You don’t have anything to apologize for.  It isn’t like you did it on purpose,” Kihyun replied, gently squeezing his shoulder.  “We need to get you downstairs… Hyunwoo- _hyung_ , the manager should have the van by now…”

Changkyun could feel his face heating up again as Hyunwoo lifted him carefully from his spot on the bench, with Kihyun quickly grabbing the cold pack and Changkyun’s backpack to carry them downstairs.  It wasn’t a long trip, but Changkyun couldn’t help feeling a bit like everyone was staring as they made their way downstairs.  The worst, however, was having Hyolyn stop them as they exited the elevator on the first floor, looking extremely concerned at the sight of the three of them.  “What happened?”

“Changkyun- _ah_ rolled his ankle in dance practice, _sunbaenim_ ,” Kihyun replied.  “We think he’s sprained it, so our manager is going to take him to get it checked out.”

“I’m sorry… I hope your ankle heals quickly, Changkyun- _ssi_ ,” she commented, gently letting a hand rest on his shoulder for a moment.

“Thank you, _sunbaenim_ ,” Changkyun replied softly, unable to bring himself to look her in the eye.

“Take care of yourselves, boys.”

“We will, _sunbaenim_.”  

Changkyun was thankful when the moment was over, letting Hyunwoo carry him the rest of the way out to the waiting van.  The manager had the back door of the van open, and Hyunwoo was quick to place Changkyun down on the closest seat so that he could prop his foot up on the console next to the manager’s arm.  “Put the ice back on his foot, so that it won’t continue to swell,” the manager commented, as Kihyun placed his bag in the floor in front of him.  “We probably won’t be back in time for lunch, but make sure everyone eats something healthy… not convenience store junk.”

“We will… you’ll let us know what’s going on, right?” Kihyun asked.

“Of course.  I’ll bring Changkyun- _ah_ back for vocal rehearsal this afternoon if he’s up to it after the doctor takes a look at that ankle.”


	5. Help

It was awkward being carried into the dorm when he didn’t really need the assistance - after all, the doctor had given Changkyun a pair of crutches so that he would be able to keep the weight off his injured ankle as instructed.  But Hyunwoo had insisted that he let the alpha carry him up the stairs and into the dorm, and Changkyun hadn’t felt right refusing when the alpha was so insistent.  He knew that Hyunwoo only wanted to help, and Changkyun had to admit that it sort of felt nice to have someone care that much about him.

“ _Hyung_ , I have to take my shoe off…” Changkyun began, as the older man carried him all the way to the nest after kicking off his own shoes.

“I’ll take it back and put it away for you in a minute,” Hyunwoo replied, gently helping Changkyun sit down on the large mattress in the room and motioning for him to lean back against the pillows that had been left against the wall.  “We need to get your ankle elevated, before it starts to swell again.”

Changkyun bit down on his bottom lip as the alpha moved to place some of the extra pillows underneath his foot, watching the way Hyunwoo carefully adjusted everything until he was comfortable.  “Thank you, _hyung_ ,” he whispered softly, as Jooheon came into the room and leaned his crutches against the wall next to him.

“Give me like ten minutes, and then I can come hang out…” Jooheon began.

“You don’t have to do that,” Changkyun replied, shaking his head.  “I’ll be okay on my own…”

“Seriously?  I’m not going to leave you alone in here,” Jooheon interrupted.  “I’m going to go take a quick shower, and then I’ll bring my iPad in here so that we can watch a movie or something until time to eat dinner.”  Changkyun nodded slowly, knowing that arguing wasn’t going to change Jooheon’s mind.  The omega rapper had clearly already decided that Changkyun needed someone to hang out with, and that he was going to take on that role.

Changkyun didn’t realize that Hyunwoo was still sitting at the foot of the bed until Jooheon had left the room to go clean up a bit before they started watching a movie.  He couldn’t help feeling a little uncomfortable at being left completely alone with the alpha, given everything that had happened since the previous day.  “Changkyun- _ah_ … are you okay?”

“My ankle’s a little sore,” Changkyun replied, wincing as he shifted slightly.  The small amount of pressure made the pain a bit worse, but he didn’t want to ask for the pain medication he’d been prescribed.  It was still well within the tolerable range, and Changkyun didn’t want to give in and take any kind of painkillers unless he absolutely had to.

“I’m talking about the conversation we had last night… I didn’t push you to talk then because you were exhausted, but you had a major panic attack.  While you were gone this morning, Kihyun- _ah_ and I talked about it… we think it would be a good idea for you to let the managers know what’s going on…”

Hyunwoo’s words felt like lead weights sitting on his chest.  “You want me gone…?”

“No!  That’s the last thing we want to have happen,” Hyunwoo replied, shaking his head.  “We’re worried about you, Changkyun- _ah_.  You’re so much more stressed out than the rest of us are, and we can’t figure out _why_ it’s so much harder for you than the rest of us…”

“I’ll work harder…” Changkyun began.

“We don’t want you to work harder… we want you to _talk_ to us.  We can’t help you if you don’t let us in.”  The alpha’s words weren’t harsh; it sounded as if the older man genuinely cared about him, even though Changkyun couldn’t really understand _why_ it would be so important to the alpha.  “If you need help, Changkyun- _ah_ …”

“I _don’t_!”  There was a brief moment of silence as Hyunwoo stared at him, slightly shocked by the sudden outburst.  Changkyun closed his eyes,  rubbing at them with the palm of his hand as he choked on his own, loud sobs.  It felt as though his throat was closing up, making breathing difficult.

_You’re fucking things up again._

_This will never work - you can’t do this._

_They’ll never accept you if you tell them the truth.  No one wants a fuck up in their group.  Or their pack._

_It’s always been your fault.  If you were just better, you wouldn’t have so many problems.  But you’ve never been good enough to hold it together, and now you’re going to end up destroying another pack._

_You should just pack up and leave, before they find out the whole truth about how fucked up you are._

There was a soft hand on his cheek, pulling him out of his thoughts as Minhyuk took one of his hands and squeezed it.  “Breathe, Changkyun- _ah_ … you’re okay.  It’s okay,” the omega said softly, moving Changkyun’s hand to his chest.  Changkyun hadn’t even realized that he was actually crying again, until he felt Minhyuk wiping away the tears from his face.  “Keep breathing, baby… I’ve got you.”

“I’m sorry…” Changkyun began, shaking his head.

“You’re okay,” Minhyuk replied, squeezing Changkyun’s hand softly.  “Just breathe…”  Changkyun closed his eyes, doing his best to focus on the task at hand and using Minhyuk’s slow, steady breathing as a guide.

By the time Changkyun’s breathing calmed down, he was exhausted and just wanted to fall asleep.  Minhyuk seemed to sense that he was finally calming down, as the omega gently moved his hand to stroke through Changkyun’s hair.  “I’m sorry, _hyung_ …” Changkyun muttered, letting his eyes close.

Minhyuk didn’t respond, instead moving them both around on the bed until Minhyuk was leaning back against the wall, with Changkyun leaning back into his chest.  “You’re safe here, you know.  Whatever’s hurting you, you can tell us about it.”  Changkyun didn’t respond, relaxing into the man’s arms and letting himself continue to calm down as Minhyuk stroked his hair.

“How’s he doing?”  Changkyun recognized Kihyun’s voice as the door opened, but he didn’t open his eyes.

“I think he’s falling asleep,” Minhyuk replied softly.  “How freaked out is Hyunwoo- _hyung_?”

“He’s pretty sure that he’s said something wrong, and that’s what set Changkyun- _ah_ off this time,” Kihyun replied, sighing.  “We need to wake him up, you know… I need to put ice on his foot, and he needs to eat something so that he can take the medication the doctor prescribed…”

“Don’t want it…” Changkyun muttered softly, turning his head towards Minhyuk’s neck.

“You need to take the medication, Changkyun- _ah_.  It will help with the swelling, not just the pain,” Kihyun replied.  Changkyun winced slightly as the older man carefully placed an ice pack on his injured ankle.  “At least let me get something for you to eat… you’ve already skipped one meal this week, and you don’t need to make yourself sick on top of everything else that’s going on.”

Changkyun sighed, forcing his eyes open.  “I’m not that hungry, _hyung_ … I just want to sleep…”

“This isn’t up for debate, Changkyun- _ah_ … you have to eat.  We won’t make you move into the living room with everyone else, but you do need to at least _try_ to eat something.”  Changkyun looked down at his lap, once again feeling guilty that he was making his _hyungs_ worry about him.

“I’ll hang out with you while you eat,” Minhyuk replied, gently massaging the back of Changkyun’s neck to try and help him relax again.  “I know Jooheon said something about watching a movie with you… we can all cuddle if you want…”

“I don’t want to be a burden to everyone,” Changkyun began, watching as Kihyun stood up to go get him something to eat.

“No one thinks of you as a burden, Changkyun- _ah_ … you’re our _maknae_ , and it’s part of our responsibility to make sure you’re taken care of,” Kihyun replied from the door.  “Besides… if one of us was hurt or sick, you would try to help us out, wouldn’t you?”

“Of course…” Changkyun replied.

“Then how is it any different for us to help you out for a few days?  It isn’t like you’re being lazy - you’re injured, and you’re supposed to take it easy and rest while your ankle heals,” Minhyuk added, still trying to ease the tension in his shoulders.  “Just let us take care of you.”


	6. Fix You

Changkyun stared down at his hands as he sat in a chair across the desk from an older man in a white coat.  He didn’t want to be here; the last thing he wanted was to spend the day talking to a psychiatrist about all of the things that had been going on in his head since he’d joined Starship.  But Hyunwoo had gone behind his back and called a manager after the panic attack he’d had the night before, and the man had managed to book him an appointment faster than Changkyun had thought would be possible.

“You don’t have to be afraid.  Anything you say here is just between us.”  Changkyun nodded, not looking up from his hands.  He didn’t want to talk about it; he didn’t want to admit that he didn’t understand what was going on himself.  So he stayed silent, until the doctor spoke again.  “Why don’t you tell me about your family?  Where are you from?”

“I was born in Gwangju… but we left when I was really young.  I don’t remember it at all.”

“The whole pack left?” the doctor asked.

Changkyun shook his head.  “Just my parents.  They left the pack behind for my dad’s job…”

“So you grew up without a family pack?”  Changkyun nodded silently.  “Did you have any siblings?”

“No…” Changkyun began, shaking his head.  “My father is an alpha, but my mother is a beta.  She… she was sick when I was little - I never really knew any of the details.  But they were never able to have any more children.”  

The doctor nodded as Changkyun spoke, silently scribbling down notes about his answers to the questions being asked.  “And how old were you when you left home?”

“I’d just turned sixteen,” Changkyun admitted softly, his eyes trained on the doctor’s pen as it scratched across the page in what appeared to be some kind of shorthand.

“And you were originally with another company, correct?  And another group?”  Changkyun didn’t trust himself to answer without showing how much the topic hurt to think about, so he simply nodded.  “Did you join the pack?”

Changkyun shook his head.  “I was too young… but they treated me as if I belonged, even though I couldn’t yet…”

“What do you mean?”  The doctor sounded curious.

“Taehyuk- _hyung_ always insisted that Jongyeon- _ah_ and I stay in the nest with the pack… they all liked to cuddle, and they were just as likely to choose one of us as they were to pick each other,” Changkyun replied.  “We didn’t participate in pack meetings or anything like that… but we were included in everything we _could_ do together.  They didn’t hide anything from us…”

“There were no secrets?”  

Changkyun shook his head.  “No… whatever they talked about in the pack meetings, they filled us in later.  We weren’t allowed to help when Byunghwa- _hyung_ went into heat, but they didn’t try to hide anything from us, either…”

“So you were able to witness an omega in heat?”

“Only once…” Changkyun began, feeling sick to his stomach as he thought about the experience.  He turned his eyes down to his lap again, biting down on his bottom lip.

“I take it that it wasn’t a positive experience?”

Changkyun took a deep breath.  “I couldn’t stay… it scared me, seeing Byunghwa- _hyung_ like that.  So out of control of his body.  Afterwards he told me that he was okay, and that it was all normal and natural.  That Taehyuk- _hyung_ didn’t hurt him, that he would _never_ hurt him.  But I’d never seen anything like that before…”

“You didn’t learn about heats in school?” the doctor asked.

Changkyun shook his head.  “I was homeschooled.  My mother said that I wasn’t going to be an omega, so it didn’t really matter whether or not I knew about heats…”  The doctor’s raised eyebrow told Changkyun that the man wasn’t sure exactly what he meant.  “Neither of my parents are omegas, so my mother said it wasn’t possible for me to be an omega…”

“Changkyun- _ssi_ … that isn’t how sub-genders work…” the doctor began.

“I know that, now.  Taehyuk- _hyung_ explained it to me when they all realized that my mother hadn’t bothered to cover that unit in the health curriculum…”

The doctor nodded, continuing to write down his notes as they sat there for a moment in silence.  Finally, the doctor spoke again.  “So you haven’t presented yet?”

“Not yet,” Changkyun replied.  “I just turned nineteen at the end of January.  Right before I joined Starship.”  There was a moment of silence, broken only by the scratching of the doctor’s pen on his pad of paper.  “Is all of this really that important?  It’s my brain that’s screwed up…”

“Your past has a lot more to do with what’s going on than you may realize.  All of these things affect who you are and the way your brain processes the things that happen to you,” the doctor explained.  “Growing up without a pack may not be a big deal to a beta, like your mother.  And even alphas can be fine without a pack, as long as their needs are being met.  But to be without a pack as an omega… it can cause serious psychological issues.”

“But I haven’t even presented yet…” Changkyun began, confused.  He knew that the doctor was implying that he was an omega, but that information didn’t make sense given the fact that Changkyun had yet to actually present.  Changkyun couldn’t quite understand how the man sitting in front of him could know something that Changkyun himself still wasn’t certain of.

“The fact that you haven’t presented doesn’t change who you are.  Presenting is simply the presence of obvious signs that you’ve reached physical maturity - it isn’t a change that takes place in your personality, and most people have some idea of what they will be even before they are old enough to present.”  Changkyun nodded at the doctor’s explanation, mentally going over what he knew about the different sub genders to try and process what the man was telling him.  “Changkyun- _ssi_ … when did you first start having issues with the anxiety?  When did it start to spiral out of control?”

Changkyun closed his eyes, biting down on his lip for a brief moment as he tried to remember when everything had started to go downhill.  “It’s always been there… but it wasn’t bad until right before I joined Starship,” he replied.  “I… I saw Byunghwa- _hyung_ a couple of days before my birthday.  He looked really bad, like he’d been really sick or something.  And his pack mark was gone…”

“The pack dissolved?”

“I… I think so.  I didn’t have a chance to talk to him, so I didn’t get to ask…” Changkyun began.  He closed his eyes.  “It’s stupid, to feel so upset over it.  I wasn’t part of the pack, it isn’t like I had a chance of joining them once the group ended, anyway…”

“There’s nothing stupid about the way you’re feeling, Changkyun- _ssi_.  It is concerning, because it isn’t normal to be so attached to a pack that you haven’t joined, but the fact that you _do_ feel this way means that there’s something going on here.”

“So I’m not completely fucked in the head?” Changkyun asked softly.

“No.  We can help you.”  Changkyun couldn’t help the sigh of relief that came from his mouth at the doctor’s response.  “Is there anything that helps?  Anything that calms you down, even in the midst of a panic attack?”

Changkyun thought for a moment, before nodding.  “Last night, Minhyuk- _hyung_ managed to help me calm down, before the panic attack got too far out of control.  It’s… I could hear all of the bad thoughts that set me off, but somehow his voice sort of broke through all of that, and I was able to focus…”

“Is Minhyuk- _ssi_ an omega?”

“Yeah… he and Jooheon- _hyung_ both are.  It’s a lot easier to stay in control when one of them is touching me…”  Changkyun watched as the doctor nodded again, before making several more notes in silence.

Finally, the older man put down his pen and looked up at Changkyun.  “Changkyun- _ssi_ , the first thing I want you to understand is that none of this is your fault.  It isn’t anything that you could have controlled, and you aren’t crazy.  Do you understand that?”

Changkyun nodded slowly.  “Okay… but if I’m not crazy, then what’s wrong with me?”

“Given what you’ve described, it sounds as thought there may be a couple of different issues that need to be addressed… the primary issue seems to be an unusual form of attachment disorder.  Even in childhood, omegas need pack attachments so that they can learn to form healthy relationships.  The fact that you were denied that likely caused you to form an unhealthy attachment to your previous group, even though you weren’t able to join the pack.  I think that is the underlying cause of your anxiety… the fact that you don’t have those attachments any more, and you don’t know where you fit.”

Changkyun closed his eyes, sighing.  “Okay… so what do I do to fix this?” he asked softly.

“I’m going to suggest regular sessions with a psychologist, as well as a low dose of anxiety medication to help with the more obvious symptoms.  It will take some time to sort through everything going on in your head, but as long as you’re willing to work with us, this is something that can be fixed.”

There was a brief moment of silence, before Changkyun spoke again.  “What if I present before it’s fixed?”

“As long as you have someone you trust that can help you through it, you’ll be fine.  But given the circumstances…”  The doctor’s voice trailed off for a moment, before he sighed.  “I’m not sure that you haven’t already presented… I know that it sounds strange, but I am concerned that you may be subconsciously repressing your sub-gender because you’re afraid that you won’t be able to find a pack where you fit…”

The words swam in Changkyun’s head as he tried to process everything that the doctor had said.  “I don’t understand…” Changkyun began, shaking his head.  “How can I be repressing my sub-gender?  It’s a biological thing…”

“The brain is an amazing thing… we still don’t understand _how_ it does some of the things it does,” the doctor replied.  “Repressing sub-genders isn’t an unheard of phenomenon.  It’s rare - I’ve only seen it happen once or twice in my career before this.  But based on our conversation today, it wouldn’t shock me if some of your anxiety isn’t related to depriving yourself of some of the physical contact that you need as an omega.”

“You said I wasn’t crazy…” Changkyun began.

“And I stand by that,” the doctor replied.  “It’s all related to the attachment disorder I mentioned.  Your brain is trying to protect you, because something in your subconscious sees your sub-gender as a threat to your safety.  It may take some time for your subconscious to accept that you aren’t in danger, but you _will_ be okay.”  Changkyun turned his eyes back to his lap.  “I know that this is a lot to take in all at once… but it’s important that we tackle this now, before the anxiety and depression you’re experiencing become even more out of control.”


	7. Truth

Hobbling into the practice room late was embarrassing, but the rest of the group and all of the background dancers they were working with didn’t really seem to notice him as they were in the middle of another run of their debut song.  Changkyun settled himself on a bench to the side to watch, propping his injured foot up because he could feel it swelling again.  Finally, the run ended and the back-up dancers all retreated to the far side of the room as Minhyuk hurried towards the bench where Changkyun had stationed himself.  The omega’s arms were around him in an instant.  “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, _hyung_ ,” Changkyun replied, forcing a smile as he leaned into the man’s embrace  “It’s just a lot to deal with right now.  Can we… do you mind if we talk about it later?”

“Sure,” Minhyuk replied, squeezing his shoulders gently.

“Minhyuk- _ah_ … drink some water,” Hyunwoo commented, passing the older omega a bottle as he sat down in front of the two of them.  “Everything alright, Changkyun- _ah_?”

Changkyun nodded, smiling at the older man.  “Yeah… can we talk about it later, though?”

“Yeah… sure.”  Changkyun couldn’t help feeling a little guilty as he watched the alpha walk away from the two of them.

“Don’t let it get to you… he’s afraid that he’s going to say the wrong thing and upset you again,” Minhyuk commented, almost as if he could read Changkyun’s mind.

Changkyun sighed, closing his eyes.  “It wasn’t his fault…”

“It isn’t your fault, either, you know…” Minhyuk replied, taking a sip from his water bottle before gently tapping Changkyun’s temple with one finger.  “Something’s going on up there.  I may not be the smartest of your _hyungs_ , but I can tell that something’s bothering you.”

“I’ll be okay, _hyung_.  I promise, I’ll tell you all about it when we get home,” Changkyun replied, letting his head rest back against the older man’s shoulder.

The dance rehearsal seemed to stretch on for hours, with Changkyun forced to simply watch from the side of the room because he didn’t have anything else to do while his _hyungs_ were working on the dance.  He wanted to be useful, but the vocal trainers weren’t available to work with him.  And writing on his own was a daunting task - Changkyun wasn’t sure that he felt comfortable hiding himself away in a studio without someone else to bounce ideas off of, especially after the conversation he’d had with the psychiatrist that morning.

Changkyun didn’t even realize that he was starting to drift off until he felt someone stroking his hair.  “Wake up, Changkyun- _ah_ …  it’s time to go back to the dorm for dinner.”  Changkyun was surprised to see Hoseok smiling at him when he forced his eyes open and turned his head towards the man’s voice.  “We’re ready to go… do you want me to give you a ride down to the van?”

“I’ve got it, _hyung_ ,” Changkyun replied, forcing himself up into a seated position and grabbing the crutches he’d abandoned earlier in the day.  “Has everyone else already left?” he asked, surprised to see that none of the other members were in the room.

“We wanted to let you sleep for as long as you could… Jooheon- _ah_ mentioned that you haven’t been sleeping well for a while now, and you looked so peaceful…”  Changkyun couldn’t help feeling a little awkward about the older man’s response, but he did his best to not to let it show as they made their way to the elevator.  It wasn’t until they were inside the metal box that Hoseok spoke again.  “You’re feeling okay, yeah?” the older man asked.

“Yeah… I’m just tired,” Changkyun replied, leaning against the wall to give his arms a break for a moment as they rode down to the first floor.  “I sort of have a lot to think about.  And a lot to talk about with everyone when we get home…”  

Being ushered into the nest as soon as they got back to the dorm was a little unnerving; Changkyun wasn’t sure that he was really ready to talk about what had happened that morning at the doctor’s office.  But he knew that he needed to get everything off his chest - Changkyun’s doctor had encouraged him to share what was going on with his _hyungs_ , because he needed to build those relationships.  So he took a deep breath as he climbed into the nest, propping his foot up on the small stack of pillows that had been left out for that purpose.

“Changkyun- _ah_ … do you feel comfortable talking to all of us at the same time?” Kihyun asked, as the beta sat down next to him.  Changkyun nodded, letting himself lean against Jooheon slightly as the older rapper took his other side.  “You don’t have to talk to all of us at once…”

“I don’t know that I’m going to be able to say it again… at least, not right now,” Changkyun replied.  “This way, I only have to say it all once.”

It didn’t feel real until Changkyun watched the rest of his _hyungs_ settle around them, not moving his head from Jooheon’s shoulder as he waited.  But suddenly, it was as if there was a lead weight sitting in his stomach, and he could feel the tightening feeling in his chest as he started to worry about how the rest of the group would handle the news.  But Jooheon seemed to sense that he was struggling, and the older rapper gave his hand a tight squeeze, clearly trying to show Changkyun that it was okay.

Finally, Changkyun took a deep breath and closed his eyes.  “I’m worried about what you’re all going to think, when I tell you…” Changkyun began.

“Whatever it is, we aren’t going to think any less of you, Changkyun- _ah_ ,” Jooheon replied.  “You’re safe here, Changkyun- _ah_.”

It took Changkyun a moment to respond, before he finally nodded.  “Logically, I know that,” Changkyun replied softly.  “It’s complicated, okay?  And I’m still trying to process and understand a lot of what he said myself.  He called it an attachment disorder - said that I don’t know how to form healthy relationships, because I grew up without a family pack.  That I was too dependent on Taehyuk- _hyung_ and the rest of them, because it was the first time I was able to feel like I belonged with a pack…”

“And then it all fell apart…” Jooheon supplied, when Changkyun couldn’t bring himself to say the words.  “So… what’s going to happen now?  Is there anything they can do?”

“Anxiety medication.  And therapy,” Changkyun replied, taking a deep breath.  “It won’t interfere with anything, I promise.  Once my ankle heals, I’ll still be at all of the rehearsals and everything…”

“We aren’t worried about that right now, Changkyun- _ah_ ,” Kihyun replied, placing a hand gently on his knee and squeezing it gently.  “You can’t keep going like this - the anxiety attacks are going to ruin your life if you aren’t able to get the help you need.  They’re already making your life miserable…”

“I’m ruining everything…” Changkyun muttered, fighting back the tears that were already threatening to spill from his eyes.

“No, you aren’t,” Hoseok replied.  “You aren’t responsible for any of this…”

“There’s more, isn’t there?” Jooheon asked.

Changkyun sighed, still somewhat amazed at how easily the man had figured out that there was something more to the story.  “He thinks that I’m somehow repressing the fact that I’m an omega…”

There was silence, as the other men registered what he’d said.  Finally, Hyungwon spoke up.  “But you haven’t presented yet…”

“My birthday was right before I joined the show… right after I saw Byunghwa- _hyung_ ,” Changkyun replied.  “The anxiety’s always been there… but it got bad after No.Mercy ended.  If he’s right…”

“How can we help?”  Changkyun looked up at Hyunwoo’s question, surprised by the pack alpha’s question.  “Did he say there was anything we could do?”

Changkyun shook his head.  “Not really… we didn’t really talk much about what the therapy side of things would entail,” he replied.

“Well we’re definitely not letting you sleep alone… at least not until you’re okay,” Minhyuk replied.

“You might as well get used to the idea of Minhyuk- _hyung_ being your own personal koala for a while,” Jooheon added.  Changkyun could hear the smirk in the older rapper’s voice, even though he couldn’t see it from his current position.

“Omegas need physical affection… and we haven’t been giving him as much as we should have, because we didn’t know.  We need to make up for that,” Minhyuk replied.

“Just make sure you listen to Changkyun- _ah_ … if he says it’s too much, you need to make sure to give him space,” Hoseok added.  “I know you both want to help him, but just because you want to cuddle and be all over everyone as much as possible doesn’t mean that he’s going to be okay with that.”

Changkyun watched as Minhyuk nodded.  “Of course we will, _hyung_.  We don’t want to scare off our _maknae_.”


	8. Talk

Knowing what was wrong didn’t make life any easier for Changkyun; if anything, he couldn’t help feeling even more out of place among his _hyungs_.  But it did help that the older members at least had an idea of _why_ he was struggling now, and they did their best to make sure someone was always nearby in case things got bad - usually Jooheon or Minhyuk, once Changkyun had admitted that their presence tended to help him calm down the fastest.

“Breathe for me, baby,” Minhyuk commented softly, stroking Changkyun’s hair with one hand.  Vocal training for the rappers that morning hadn’t gone well, and Changkyun had made his way into the practice room with tears already starting to fall down his face after he’d been held behind to have a private conversation with the trainer about some of the problems the man had noticed as they were working.

“It was that bad?” Hyunwoo asked softly.  

Changkyun felt Jooheon rubbing his back as he did his best to follow Minhyuk’s lead.  “It was bad… Changkyun- _ah_ wasn’t doing any worse than I was, but he took the brunt of the criticism.  And most of it wasn’t even fair.  I don’t know what was said after I left…”

“This isn’t right… I know that the managers said we shouldn’t talk about what’s going on to anyone else because we don’t want it to get out, but we can’t just ignore that this is hurting him…” Minhyuk began.

Hyunwoo sighed audibly.  “I know.  I’ll talk to the managers and see if we can at least let the trainers know what’s going on,” he replied.  Changkyun did his best to focus on the comforting feeling of having Minhyuk and Jooheon doing their best to comfort him, rather than the conversation taking place as if he wasn’t even there.  “At least it’s just us this afternoon… no choreographer during practice today.  We can give him time to calm down and relax.”

Changkyun was thankful that his _hyungs_ seemed to understand that he needed time to deal with what was going on in his head, although he hated that he was breaking down in front of them yet again.  Finally, he was able to lift his head away from Minhyuk’s chest and pull away slightly from the oldest omega.  “You okay?” Minhyuk asked softly.

“Yeah, _hyung_ ,” Changkyun replied, nodding slowly as he reached up to wipe away the remaining tears from his face.  “I’m sorry…”

“Don’t worry about it,” Jooheon replied, still rubbing his back.  “He was out of line… we were both off this morning, and it wasn’t fair for him to take it out on you when I was just as bad…”  Changkyun nodded, closing his eyes again.  “We just had an off morning.  It happens to everyone, and it’s not something worth stressing out over.”

“Thank you, _hyung_ ,” Changkyun replied softly, thankful that the older rapper seemed to have figured out what he needed to hear at that moment when he wasn’t sure himself.  “I’m sorry for keeping you from your lunch… you should both go eat.  I’ll be okay now.”

“You need to eat, too,” Minhyuk replied, as neither of the older omegas moved to separate themselves from Changkyun.  “Jooheon- _ah_ … will you go get all of our lunch boxes and bring them over here?  We’ll eat together.”

Changkyun shook his head looking down at his lap.  “I don’t think I can eat right now, _hyung_ …”

“You’ll at least try,” Minhyuk replied, as though there was no way for Changkyun to protest.  “It’s time for lunch, and you aren’t eating enough.  You’ve been losing weight… and don’t try to deny it, because I can see it in your face.” 

“Is that really such a bad thing?” Changkyun asked softly, not looking up at the older man.  

But Minhyuk didn’t seem willing to let him get away with refusing to make eye contact, as the omega put a hand underneath Changkyun’s chin and lifted it until he was forced to look up at his _hyung_.  “Changkyun- _ah_ … you are an omega.  You’re supposed to have some fat on your body, because you’re supposed to be able to support a litter of pups.  That does _not_ make you fat - it makes you healthy and normal.  Your body can’t keep going if you don’t feed it.”

“You’re smaller than I am…” Changkyun began.

“Because my body is built differently.  I have smaller bones than you do,” Minhyuk replied.  “Trust me, okay?  You’re already perfect.”

Jooheon was back a moment later with a stack of boxes, followed by Kihyun with three bottles of water and three sodas.  “Changkyun- _ah_ … Hyunwoo- _hyung_ talked to the managers this morning.  You can go work in the studio while we’re dancing, if you want.  It’s your choice.”

Changkyun nodded, smiling up at the beta as he and Jooheon passed out the food.  “Thanks, _hyung_.  I might go do that.”

“ _After_ you eat,” Minhyuk reminded.  Changkyun nodded, sitting up so that Minhyuk could eat his own food and moving so that he could stretch out his injured foot as he opened his own boxed lunch.

The meal was fairly silent; Changkyun didn’t particularly want to talk, and he was thankful that the others seemed to get that he wasn’t really in a good place to try and hold a conversation at that moment.  Still, he could feel Minhyuk watching him as he tried his best to keep eating, until he couldn’t force the chopsticks to his mouth again.  Just the thought of eating anything else made him feel sick and Changkyun had to put down the box.

Jooheon seemed to notice before anyone else, and Changkyun was hardly surprised by the hand that the older rapper placed on his knee.  “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Changkyun replied, nodding.  “I just don’t think I can eat any more right now…”  He closed the box, pushing it away and reaching for the crutches that someone had leant against the wall next to him.  “I think I’m going to go try to write…”  It wasn’t easy for Changkyun to pull himself up from the floor; he was tired from the panic attack he’d experienced earlier, and he really hadn’t eaten as much as he should have from his boxed lunch.  But he managed to get up on his feet without making it obvious that he was tired, before slowly making his way out of the rehearsal room and down the hall to the small studio he and Jooheon had been using.

The space was small, but it was big enough for a couch and Changkyun settled in with his foot propped up and the keyboard for the computer in his lap so that he could at least attempt to work, even though he really didn’t have any ideas.  Mostly, Changkyun just wanted to be alone for a little while as he tried to process everything that the trainer had said that morning, and he really wanted to just sleep.

Everything was just too much at that moment; Changkyun had still been struggling mentally with everything he’d been told at the psychiatrist’s office, and the rap trainer’s words hadn’t helped.  And while he’d managed to get the tears under control, Changkyun still couldn’t quite stop the awful thoughts from starting up again.

_It’s all your fault.  It’s always your fault._

_You always fuck things up for everyone else, too.  Not just yourself._

_You’re going to ruin this for them, too._

The words in his head were awful, making Changkyun feel sick as he tried to fight back the thoughts that had been haunting him.  He could hardly keep his breathing under control, trying his hardest not to give into the anxiety that was starting to build up in his chest despite the medication he’d been given.

“Changkyun- _ah_?  Are you okay?”  Changkyun looked up, finally registering the feeling of a hand on his shoulder as he realized that he’d been joined in the studio by their manager, Jinwoo.  The older man’s scent of lemons filled the room, somehow helping him calm down even though Jinwoo was a beta rather than an omega.

“Yeah… yeah, I’m fine, _hyung_ ,” Changkyun replied, reaching up to run a hand through his hair.

“You don’t look okay, kid… talk to me.”  Changkyun closed his eyes, trying to focus on just one thought at a time.  “Did something happen between you and the other guys?  Because if they’ve hurt you…”

“No… no, they’ve been great.  Minhyuk- _hyung_ and Jooheon- _hyung_ have figured out how to talk me down when I start having a panic attack, and the medication is helping,” Changkyun replied.

The manager nodded, coming further into the room and sitting down in the work chair that was usually at the desk.  “You’re sleeping alright, and eating?”

“Most of the time, _hyung_ ,” Changkyun admitted softly, not looking up at the man.  “Sometimes it’s hard…”

There was a moment of silence, until the older man gently put his hand on Changkyun’s knee.  “You’re going to talk to the psychologist tomorrow… maybe she’ll be able to do something that will make it easier.”  Changkyun nodded, still looking down at his lap.  “Call me if you need anything, okay?”  Changkyun nodded, turning his eyes back towards the computer screen as the beta turned to leave him alone again.

 


	9. Unhealthy

Changkyun wiped at his tears with a tissue, not looking up at the psychologist that he’d spent the previous hour talking to.  “Changkyun- _ssi_ , it’s okay to be upset.  You’ve been through a lot, and it’s normal to have trouble dealing with that in this type of situation,” the woman replied.  Changkyun couldn’t remember her name, but he knew that she was a beta.

“You’ve seen this before?” Changkyun asked, still not looking up.

“I haven’t had a patient in your specific situation, no.  But you are far from the first omega I’ve treated with an attachment disorder because their parents didn’t understand the seriousness of the situation,” the older wpman replied.  “It isn’t uncommon for beta pairs or a beta and an alpha to not fully grasp how much an omega child needs to be in a pack.  And as young as you were when the separation occurred, it’s not surprising that your parents were unaware of your subgender.”

Changkyun nodded slowly, biting his bottom lip as he waited for the psychiatrist to continue.  “I want you to use this week to focus on spending time with the rest of your group… try to open up with them, and tell them when you’re starting to feel overwhelmed by the negative thoughts you mentioned.  It isn’t healthy for you to keep everything inside, and from what you said it sounds like your group members truly care about you.”

“I don’t know why they would,” Changkyun replied, shaking his head.

“Changkyun- _ah_ … you’re not a bad person.  You’ve been thrown into difficult situation after difficult situation, but none of what’s happened has been your fault,” the woman replied.  “You deserve to be loved, and you deserve to be happy.  Whatever that may mean to you.  But you have to be willing to open up and let people in.”

Changkyun nodded at the older man’s words, taking a deep breath.  “I can try.”

“That’s all I’m asking right now,” the psychologist replied, giving Changkyun a warm smile.  “I’d also like for you to keep a journal of your mood… tracking your anxiety levels, what’s going on when things get bad, what helps calm the anxiety.  And anything else that you think might be significant.  Does that sound doable?”  Changkyun nodded.  “Okay.  We’ll talk again next week.”

The therapist began to pack away her things, even as Changkyun continued to sit at the table they had been using in one of the smaller conference rooms, looking down at his lap.  “The company… they’re trying to cover this all up, aren’t they?” Changkyun asked softly.  “That’s why you’re coming here, instead of me going to your office.”

“I don’t know the details… but I would assume that the intention was to avoid making this a stressful experience for you.  Therapy can’t be effective if you’re too stressed out by the actual process to focus on what you need to do to heal.  You’re lucky that they’re giving you a chance to work through this… I’ve heard of other companies dropping trainees for less serious issues.”  Changkyun nodded, picking at a piece of skin that was beginning to peel back beside the nail on his thumb.  “Don’t focus on the potential problems… focus on what’s going to help you get better and move forward.  Don’t let this ruin everything for you, when you’ve gotten this far and worked so hard to get here.”  Changkyun didn’t move, even as the therapist left the room and left him alone with his thoughts.

“Changkyun- _ah_ …”  Jinwoo’s voice snapped Changkyun out of his thoughts, pulling his attention towards the door.  “It’s time for lunch.  I dropped off yours with the rest of the guys in the dance studio.”

“Thanks, _hyung_ ,” Changkyun replied, nodding as he grabbed his crutches and started to make his way out of the room.  

Changkyun was surprised when Jinwoo put a hand on his shoulder, stopping him before he could get out of the door.  “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, _hyung_ … I’m just tired.  It’s a lot to process…” Changkyun replied, not looking up at the older man.  “I should get down to the studio…”

“Don’t forget you have an appointment with the physical therapist this afternoon about your ankle… you may not be able to dance for a while longer, but if we’re lucky you may be off the crutches tonight.”

The studio was fairly quiet by the time Changkyun made his way inside, due to the fact that the rest of the group had already started eating.  He was surprised to see an empty space in their circle, between Minhyuk and Hoseok, that was obviously reserved for him given the fact that there was a bottle of water and an untouched lunch box between them.

“Come join us, Changkyun- _ah_ …”  Changkyun did as he was told, dropping his crutches and carefully lowering himself to the floor.  Most of the group seemed caught up with their own conversations, which made it easier for Changkyun to just zone out and try to deal with the emotions his therapy session had brought up.  But it wasn’t long before Changkyun felt someone wrapping their arms around his waist, cuddling up to his back like a koala and resting their chin softly on his shoulder.

“Eat, Changkyun- _ah_.  Your face is getting thin,” Minhyuk commented softly, so that only Changkyun could hear him.

“ _Yah_ … Minhyuk, don’t crowd the _maknae_ ,” Kihyun called.  Changkyun smiled slightly as the beta swatted at Minhyuk’s leg, causing the older omega to shift and pull him sideways in trying to avoid the blow.

“Changkyun- _ah_ ’s fine with it, aren’t you?” Minhyuk asked, squeezing Changkyun around the middle.

Changkyun smiled over at Kihyun.  “It’s okay, _hyung_.  He isn’t bothering me.”  Kihyun didn’t seem too convinced by Changkyun’s response, but he let it drop at that.  Changkyun felt Minhyuk gently squeezing him again, before the older omega moved to open Changkyun’s boxed lunch for him.  “I can feed myself, _hyung_ …”

“You weren’t, though,” Minhyuk replied, keeping his voice down again.  “You have to eat, and take care of yourself.  You’re going to be dancing with us again soon, and you’re going to need your energy.”

The older omega was right, of course; Changkyun hadn’t been doing well at taking care of himself since he’d injured his ankle the previous week.  And if someone else was starting to notice, Changkyun knew that it was starting to become obvious that something was wrong.  “I know, _hyung_.  I’m working on it.”

“Good… we need you with us if we’re going to do this,” Minhyuk commented.  “Jooheon’s great, but the music we’re working on won’t work with only one rapper.  And you’re the only person who can hold their own next to him.”

Changkyun couldn’t help the smile that crossed his face at Minhyuk’s words, surprised when the voice in his head didn’t immediately try to refute the older omega’s claim.  “You really think that, _hyung_?”

“We all do.”  Changkyun was surprised yet again when Hoseok answered his question before Minhyuk could address it.  “You wouldn’t have been chosen if you weren’t good.  But it was just as much about whose voices and styles worked best together as it was about talent… and you were a better match for Jooheon than Gunhee, Yoonho, or Kwangji on both counts.”  Changkyun was almost afraid to look up at the rest of his _hyungs_ , but when he did he could see that everyone was nodding in agreement with Hoseok’s words.

Tears stung at the corners of Changkyun’s eyes, but for once it wasn’t due to anxiety, stress, or any other negative emotion.  Instead, they were tears of happiness.  “Hey, hey… why are you crying?” Kihyun asked.

“Because I’m happy, _hyung_ … I know that it’s stupid for me to be so focused on what everyone else thinks, but I can’t help it…”

Minhyuk pressed a kiss against Changkyun’s cheek.  “It isn’t stupid for you to feel that way…”

“It isn’t healthy,” Changkyun replied.

“It may not be healthy, but at least you can see that it’s unhealthy.”  Changkyun felt Kihyun putting a hand on his knee.  “If you know that something is wrong, we can work on it.”


	10. Burden

While Changkyun wasn’t a big fan of dance practice, it was certainly much better than being stuck in physical therapy while his _hyungs_ were working on their dancing.  It felt pointless; while his ankle certainly seemed to get be getting better, Changkyun didn’t really feel like he was accomplishing anything that would get him back to work.  And after a week of daily PT appointments, Changkyun wasn’t sure how much more he could take.

“One dance practice,” Changkyun said, watching the physical therapist’s face.  He’d been waiting until the end of his session, while they were icing his ankle to deal with the swelling that still cropped up after he’d worked particularly hard, to ask the question.  “That’s all I’m asking to do… if it starts to hurt, I’ll sit out.”

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea this early on…”

“One hour,” Changkyun replied.  He wasn’t above trying to beg, if that was what it took to be allowed to do _something_ other than sit around or repeat the same exercises over and over again.  Changkyun just wanted to be able to participate again, to be part of the group when they were working in the studio.  The fact that he was physically unable to participate with his _hyungs_ wasn’t helping his mental health, even if they were all doing their best to help him feel more included in what was going on - especially outside of working hours.

“Changkyun- _ssi_ , your ankle is still weak.  It’s still swelling at the end of our sessions, and overdoing it now isn’t going to help matters,” the therapist replied, shaking his head.  “At least for now, you don’t need to be doing much more than what you’re doing during physical therapy.  And you’re already pushing yourself here… don’t think I’m not seeing the fact that you sneak in extra reps or more time on the treadmill when you think I’m not paying attention.  Your ankle can’t heal if you’re pushing it too far.  And it’s going to get worse instead of better if you do too much too soon.”

Changkyun sighed, looking down at his lap as the man took the ice off.  Logically, Changkyun knew that it wasn’t a good idea to push himself too far; but his definition of too far was definitely different than his physical therapist’s.  “It doesn’t even really hurt…” Changkyun began.

“That’s a good sign… but it doesn’t mean you’re ready to be back just yet.  Ask again in a week, okay?  I can’t guarantee I’ll say yes, but if things are going well it’s a possibility.”

Changkyun couldn’t help being a little frustrated with the answer; he didn’t want a “maybe” answer - he wanted a yes or no.  But the physical therapist clearly wasn’t going to give him what he wanted.

“How did it go?”  Changkyun didn’t look up at Jinwoo’s question as he climbed into the van, shrugging.  “I take it you’re still not allowed back in dance practice?”

“Maybe next week.”

They were silent for a moment as Jinwoo started to drive back towards the company’s headquarters.  “It isn’t the end of the world, you know.  It’s only been a couple of weeks, and you’ll catch up quickly when you’re able to come back again.  You’re not as good a dancer as Hyunwoo- _yah_ , but you’re a hard worker and you seem to pick up the dancing part of things quickly.”

“We’re supposed to debut in less than two months…” Changkyun began, shaking his head.  “I don’t have that much time left to get it together.”

Jinwoo didn’t respond, leaving Changkyun to stare out the window in silence for the remainder of the ride.  It wasn’t until they pulled up in front of the building that Jinwoo spoke again, checking his cell phone.  “Go up to the rehearsal studio, Changkyun- _ah_ ,” Jinwoo commented.  “The choreographer wants you to be there when he goes over the changes he wants to make to the title track.”

“Changes?” Changkyun asked, surprised.

“He’s been working on them for a while… since you fell,” Jinwoo replied.  Changkyun immediately felt guilty that he’d created more work for yet another person.  “The way you fell… he’s afraid that if he doesn’t change it, either you’ll hurt yourself again or someone else will get hurt, too…”

“So it’s my fault,” Changkyun replied softly.

“No on is blaming you, Changkyun- _ah_.  The choreographer didn’t do well with that part of the dance, and it’s better for that to be discovered now rather than in two months when you’re recording for a music show.  It would be worse if this had happened in the middle of promotions.”  Changkyun nodded, not responding to the older man’s words.  “Go ahead inside… I’ll be back in a little while with lunch for everyone.”

Changkyun did as he was told, heading straight to the dance rehearsal room despite the fact that he wanted to run away and hide.  The last thing Changkyun ever wanted was to make life harder for other people, but that seemed to be all he was doing.

Luckily, the rest of the group was already there and distracted with talking to their choreographer, so that Hyungwon seemed to be the only one to actually notice Changkyun walking into the room.  Changkyun could see the hopeful look in the older man’s eyes, but it dropped as soon as Changkyun shook his head.  It seemed as though he wasn’t the only one who had been hoping for good news from his physical therapy appointment.

The changes to the dance seemed easy enough as the choreographer explained and demonstrated for each of his _hyungs_ individually; Changkyun watched from a spot on the floor by the mirror as they went over it again and again.  Finally, the man got to his part.  “Right… Changkyun- _ah_.  Can you dance yet?”

“Not yet, _hyung_ ,” Changkyun replied, shaking his head.

“Okay.  I’ll dance your part today while we work on this.  You help me keep an eye on everyone else - you’ve been watching the instruction, correct?”

“Yes, _hyung_ ,” Changkyun replied, nodding.

“Good.  We’re going to run just that bit a few times, and then we’ll start running the song from the top.”

By the time Jinwoo returned with their lunches, everyone other than Changkyun was dripping with sweat and breathing hard from the repeated run-throughs of their debut song.  Changkyun got up to help the manager pass out the food, so that the others could just sit down and rest for a few moments as they started to eat even though his ankle was starting to hurt a little again.  

“ _Yah_ … Changkyun- _ah_ , you shouldn’t be up walking around on that foot too much,” Hyunwoo commented as Changkyun handed him a lunch box.

“I’m fine, _hyung,_ ” Changkyun began, starting to move away until the older man grabbed him by the wrist.

“You’re limping.  Sit.”  Changkyun sighed, feeling a strange desire to do what the alpha said, even though the man’s words didn’t carry the same weight as an actual order.  Changkyun knew that it was normal for omegas to feel a desire to please the alphas they spent the most time with, but there was something slightly unsettling about the idea of feeling as shout he needed to do what the man said without question.  “Don’t make me order you, Changkyun- _ah_.  That’s the last thing I want to do,” Hyunwoo commented, lowering his voice so that Changkyun was the only one who could hear him.   Changkyun finally nodded, sitting down next to the older man and letting Hyunwoo take the extra lunch box from his hands to pass down to Hyungwon, who was seated on the alpha’s other side.

The meal was fairly relaxed, although Changkyun felt more than a little out of place sitting with everyone else who had been working so hard right before the break.  The feeling that he didn’t belong - that he didn’t deserve to be there with his _hyungs_ \- was back in full force, despite the work he’d been doing with his therapist.  Changkyun sighed, picking at the food in his own lunch box as the rest of the group chatted quietly about what they’d done that morning.

Changkyun felt a hand gently stroking through the hair at the nape of his neck, gently rubbing at the stiff muscles.  “Hey… you okay?” Jooheon asked softly.

“Yeah, _hyung_ …” Changkyun replied, not looking up from his lunch box.

“Changkyun- _ah_ … we can’t help if we don’t know what’s going on, you know,” Jooheon commented, still gently rubbing the back of Changkyun’s neck.  “What’s going on in your head?”

Changkyun sighed, closing his eyes for a moment.  “I’m just really feeling out of place right now… it’s hard to feel like I belong when I’m being forced to sit off to the side and watch everything happen,” he replied softly.  “I know it’s stupid… I know that this is temporary, and that I shouldn’t be getting upset so easily.  But it’s hard…”

“You’re having a rough day?” Jooheon asked softly, doing his best not to alert everyone else that something was wrong.  Changkyun nodded.  “Do you want to go lay down?”

“I don’t want to be alone,” Changkyun replied, shaking his head.  

“Vocalists have practice with their trainers this afternoon… we can say we’re going to work in one of the studios.”  Changkyun nodded at Jooheon’s suggestion, wanting nothing more than to just be in the small, confined space of one of the studios with the older omega.  “Eat your lunch, okay?  You’re going to lose weight if you don’t start eating more.”

Lunch seemed to stretch on forever as Changkyun did his best to force himself to eat.  It didn’t help that the rest of his _hyungs_ were quieter than normal; Changkyun could tell they were all tired from a long morning of dancing, and even Minhyuk was subdued and focused more on his own food than anything else.  Only Hyunwoo and Jooheon seemed to really be checking in with him, occasionally shooting him glances or giving him some form of physical contact to make sure that Changkyun was still aware that they knew he wasn’t doing great.

Finally, lunch was over and everyone else was cleaning up and getting their things to transition to the next part of their day.  Everyone except for Changkyun, who had been forced go sit down on the sidelines as soon as Hyunwoo noticed that he was still limping slightly.

“Jooheon- _ah_ … you two going to rehearse?” Hyunwoo asked, as the rest of the vocalists began to leave the room.

“I think we’re going to try and work on some more music,” Jooheon replied.  “We’re going to be in one of the studios, since we don’t have any other schedules this afternoon.  Don’t worry… I’ll keep him off his foot unless it’s absolutely necessary.”  Changkyun watched as the group’s leader nodded, before smiling at Changkyun for a brief moment and then leaving the room.  “Come on, Changkyun- _ah_ … let’s go to the studio.”

It was the same small studio room with the couch that Changkyun had used previously, and he found himself curling up on the end furthest from the door as soon as Jooheon closed the door.  “I’m sorry that you’re having to take care of me…”

“It isn’t anything for you to apologize for, Changkyun- _ah_ ,” Jooheon replied, sitting down on the couch next to him.  “You may not be part of our pack, but you are part of our group.  And we have every intention of asking to court you when you’re ready to take that step.”

Changkyun looked up, surprised by the older man’s comment about courtship.  “ _Hyung_?”

“I know that you aren’t ready for that, and we have no intention of pressuring you into anything you aren’t ready to do,” Jooheon added quickly.  “We’ve already talked about it as a pack, while you were busy with the doctor the other day.  Everything is going to move at a pace you’re comfortable with, and it’s up to you when things move forward to the next steps.”

Changkyun nodded for a moment, doing his best to fight back the tears that were threatening to fall.  He didn’t want to break down in front of the older omega; not again.  “Changkyun- _ah_ … if you’re having a rough day, you can just tell us.  You don’t have to try and hold it in and act as if nothing is wrong.”

“I’m such a burden…” Changkyun replied, choking on the soft sob that he hadn’t wanted to allow out.  But there was nothing he could do to stop it at that moment.

“You’re _not_ ,” Jooheon replied, wrapping an arm loosely around Changkyun’s shoulders and pulling him closer.  “You are _not_ a burden to us, Changkyun- _ah_.  You’re a valued member of this team.  And we don’t mind being here to support you through all of this, because making sure that you’re okay is worth it.”

Changkyun couldn’t help relaxing in the omega’s arms, letting the older man gently rub his back and do what he could to make Changkyun let go of all the stress and worry that had been building up all day.  Eventually, Changkyun found himself drifting off to sleep in the older man’s arms.


	11. Struggle

“How was your week?”  Changkyun shrugged at the psychologist’s question, doing his best to avoid looking at the woman.  Instead, he pushed the notebook he’d brought with him across the table in the small conference room.  “Changkyun- _ssi_ … I need you to talk to me.  I can get a lot of information from this notebook, but it’s better for me to hear it all from you, too,” the woman replied, picking up the composition book and holding it up slightly.  “This is only part of the story.  But if you won’t talk to me, there isn’t much I can do with this.”

“I’m sorry… I’ve been having a rough couple of days…” Changkyun replied.  He still didn’t look up, even as he heard the woman starting to write something down in her own notebook.

“What happened?”

Changkyun closed his eyes.  “I just got really upset… it was stupid.”

“I’m going to stop you right there,” the woman replied.  Changkyun looked up slightly at that, surprised by just how stern she sounded.  “There is nothing stupid about your emotions, Changkyun- _ssi_.  The things you are feeling are real, and they’re important.  Just because you don’t react the same way as another person would doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with what you’re feeling.  Acknowledging the emotions that you’re experiencing is the first step to helping you heal.”

“I don’t know why I got upset…” Changkyun began.

“And we can figure that out,” the psychologist replied.  “I just need you to trust me here.  Tell me the truth and answer my questions.  But don’t try to minimize what you’re thinking or feeling, because that won’t help anyone.”

Changkyun nodded, taking a deep breath.  “Okay.”

“Good,” the woman replied, smiling before opening the notebook and starting to glance over the notes Changkyun had taken over the course of the week.  “It looks like things were going pretty well at first… but what changed yesterday?  It looks like that’s when things started to go downhill again…”

“I had to go to the physical therapist,” Changkyun replied, taking a deep breath.  “I wanted to get back to work, but I was pretty much told that it isn’t going to happen for a while.  All he would give me was that I _might_ be able to go back next week…”

“Why does that upset you?  This is what your body needs to heal…” the psychologist began.

“Because the longer I’m out, the harder it’s going to be for me to catch up,” Changkyun replied.  “We’re so close to debuting… and I can’t help feeling scared that someone is going to realize that they’ve made a horrible mistake in choosing me and kick me out.  They even had to change our debut song’s dance for me…”

There was a moment of silence before the psychologist filled in the silence after Changkyun trailed off.  “Has anyone _said_ anything about you leaving the group?” she asked softly.  Changkyun shook his head.  “Okay… so let’s talk about that.  Why do you think that this means you’ll be kicked out of the group?”

Changkyun thought for a moment, trying his best to figure out how to explain what made that thought come up this time around.  “It’s… I just… I don’t know where it comes from,” Changkyun finally replied, shaking his head.  “I know that during No.Mercy, a lot of people were saying that I didn’t deserve to be here.  That I stole Gunhee’s place in the group.  And I’ve _tried_ not to listen to them, but sometimes I can’t help but think that they’re right…”

“It’s hard not to take those things to heart,” the psychologist replied.  “Is there any reason for you to believe the people that have said that?”

“It wasn’t just coming from fans and viewers… some of it came from the other trainees, too.  Even…”  Changkyun trailed off, shaking his head.

“Who else said that you didn’t deserve your spot, Changkyun- _ah_?”

Changkyun took a deep breath.  “They didn’t ever say it to my face… but it was implied by the way they treated me.  And I _know_ they feel bad about it, and we’ve talked about it before… but I still can’t help thinking that maybe it wasn’t because they were hurt and upset, but because they actually meant it…”

“I take it you’re talking about the other members of your group.”

“They apologized… I shouldn’t still be holding onto that,” Changkyun replied, shaking his head.

“It’s hard to let go of things like that when you’ve bought into the idea yourself, even if you know that it isn’t the truth,” the woman replied softly.  “Do you think that your _hyungs_ were lying to you when you apologized for the things they said and did during the show?”

Changkyun shook his head.  “No…”

“Okay.  Do _you_ think that you deserve your spot in the group?”

Changkyun closed his eyes.  “I don’t know any more,” he admitted, sighing.

“But you’ve worked for it, right?” the psychologist asked.

“Harder than I’ve worked for anything in my life,” Changkyun replied.

“And you were chosen to debut by two different companies, correct?”  Changkyun nodded slowly.  “And before you got hurt, you were doing your best and making progress?”

“It wasn’t enough,” Changkyun replied, shaking his head.  “I wouldn’t have gotten hurt if I’d been paying more attention to what I was doing.  If I hadn’t fucked up and skipped breakfast, or if I’d gotten more sleep the night before.  If I’d done _something_ to fix all of the problems…”

There was a brief moment of silence, before the woman spoke again.  “Changkyun- _ah_ … did something happen the night before?”

“Panic attacks…” Changkyun replied.  “I had a few the day before… bad ones.  I felt so sick, I couldn’t eat…”

“Did your _hyungs_ know that you were struggling?” the psychologist asked.

Changkyun shook his head.  “I told them that everything was okay.  I didn’t want to worry them any more than I already had… we’d already missed half a day of rehearsal the day before because of me, and I didn’t want to get anyone in trouble…”

“What made you think that you would get in trouble?”

Changkyun reached up to scratch at the back of his neck for a moment before he responded.  “At Special K… if we missed training more than once a week, we’d be in trouble.  Byunghwa- _hyung_ … when he went into heat, the manager would hit him and demand that he apologize to everyone else,” Changkyun replied, closing his eyes.  “I… I was afraid that it would be the same at Starship, and I didn’t want to get hit again…”

There was a brief moment of silence, as the psychologist put down her pen.  “There was physical abuse at your previous company?”  Changkyun nodded slowly.  “Changkyun- _ah_ … has anyone at Starship ever physically hurt you?”

“No… no one has laid a finger on me,” Changkyun replied, looking up and shaking his head.  “The vocal trainers and choreographers are tough, but they don’t use physical force.”

“Have you seen anyone at Starship physically abuse any of the trainees or other artists?” the psychologist asked.  Changkyun shook his head again.  He was surprised by the sigh of relief from the woman.  “Changkyun- _ah_ … I need you to understand that if you tell me that you’re being abused, I’m required to report that to the authorities.  So I’m going to ask you to clarify, so that I make sure I’m reporting this correctly.  No one at Starship has hit you or anyone else, to your knowledge?”

Changkyun took a deep breath.  “No… I haven’t seen any abuse at Starship.”

“But you did witness and experience physical abuse with your previous company, correct?” the woman asked.

“Yes,” Changkyun replied.

“Which company were you with before you came to Starship?”

“It was Special K… the company cancelled everyone’s contracts at the end of June.  I… I think that they went bankrupt,” Changkyun commented.  He took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment.  “Is there really anything that can be done, if the company no longer exists?”

“The police can track down the specific people who participated in the abuse.  While it’s unlikely that they can take action against the company itself, there are still plenty of people who can be held accountable for their actions.”

Changkyun didn’t respond for a moment, still trying to process everything that was going on in his head.  “This is going to turn into a big mess, isn’t it?”

“Not necessarily,” the psychologist replied.  “As the victim, you are protected.  There are ways to keep your name and Byunghwa- _ssi_ ’s name out of this, if he chooses to speak to the police and confirms your story.”

“And if he doesn’t?” Changkyun asked softly, looking down at his lap.

“If no one from your previous group backs up your story, it’s unlikely that anything will come from this,” the psychologist replied.  “It would be your word against that of the abusers - and without physical evidence, the police likely won’t be able to pursue a case.  But having your story on record could help someone else in the future.  Abusers don’t simply stop because their victims are taken away from them - they find new victims to hurt and control.”

Changkyun was silent again for a moment, before taking a deep breath.  “Okay.”


	12. Heat - *RATING HAS BEEN CHANGED*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note - I have changed the rating for the story BECAUSE OF THIS CHAPTER. From this point forward, chapters may or may not include mature or explicit content. I wasn't really thinking about the fact that this was going to come up eventually when I originally published this story.

Changkyun leaned into the scent of honey first thing in the morning, moaning softly as he realized his nose was buried in the side of Jooheon’s neck.  It wasn’t something he’d expected; although Changkyun had known for a while that he would eventually start to feel the usual effects of presenting, he hadn’t expected it to happen so suddenly.  He hadn’t really noticed the scents of his _hyungs_ before, but now all he could smell was Jooheon’s honey scent as it invaded his nostrils.

“Kyun- _ah_ , my neck’s sensitive there…” Jooheon muttered, trying to pull away.  Changkyun’s first reaction was to tighten his grip around the older omega’s chest.  “Changkyun- _ah_ …”

“You smell so good, _hyung_ …” Changkyun replied, ignoring the older man’s concerned tone.  He could feel something strange starting in the pit of his stomach, especially once he felt Jooheon moving to rub his back.  “God… is this what I’ve been missing?”

The older man chuckled slightly as Changkyun kept his nose against Jooheon’s neck.  “Right… so apparently you now love my scent gland…”  Changkyun opened his eyes quickly, suddenly realizing where his nose was and pulling back.  He could feel his face heating up as he blushed, but Jooheon was quick to respond.  “It’s okay, you know… it’s supposed to smell good.  Minhyuk- _hyung_ smells amazing - like a caramel.  And you smell like dark chocolate…”

“I… I have a noticeable scent?” Changkyun asked.  No one had ever mentioned it before, and he knew from the remedial sex-ed lessons he’d gotten from Taehyuk that scents didn’t appear until a person presented.

“I started to notice it last night, but it’s definitely gotten stronger since then.  I thought you were Minhyuk- _hyung_ when you decided to cuddle, until I noticed the scent,” Jooheon explained.

“I don’t even remember moving…” Changkyun began, feeling his face start to heat up again.  “I’m sorry I woke you up, _hyung_.”

Jooheon seemed to sense that Changkyun was starting to get upset about the whole situation, because the older rapper immediately moved to pull him closer.  “It really is okay… I slept better after you moved,” Jooheon replied, reaching up to stroke his hair.  “This is normal, okay?  You’re allowed to feel this way, and you can enjoy it.”

Changkyun nodded, relaxing slightly at the man’s insistence that there was nothing wrong with what he’d done.  He couldn’t help the shiver that ran down his spine as he felt Jooheon’s fingers carefully grazing over his own scent gland; it had clearly become more sensitive while he slept, and the sensation was almost too much for him.  “ _Hyung_ …” he whined softly.

“It feels good, doesn’t it?” Jooheon asked softly.

“Yeah…”  

Changkyun was surprised when the older omega moved his hand away from the sensitive skin, before moving Changkyun so that they were face to face.  “If you’re starting to notice scents, and your scent gland is becoming more sensitive, you might go into heat soon,” Jooheon commented, watching Changkyun’s face carefully as he spoke.  “Are you going to be okay with that?”

“I don’t know,” Changkyun admitted, turning slightly so that he could look up at the ceiling instead of at his _hyung_.  “I know that heats are natural, and that I shouldn’t have anything to worry about.  But I’m nervous about how it all works…”

“Well… when a mommy and daddy love each other very much…”

Changkyun couldn’t help laughing at Jooheon’s teasing words, gently slapping the older man’s chest.  “That isn’t what I meant!  I know where pups come from…”  Changkyun shook his head, closing his eyes.  “I’m more concerned with the whole knotting process…”

“Hyunwoo- _hyung_ and Hoseok- _hyung_ don’t _have_ to be there, you know,” Jooheon replied, becoming more serious as he wrapped his arms around Changkyun’s torso to hold him close.  “You get to choose who you share your heat with.  It isn’t a good idea to only have one other omega, because sympathy heats can be a bitch.  But Kihyun- _hyung_ and Hyungwon- _hyung_ would both be willing to help you out, if you wanted one of them instead of an alpha.”

“But you or Minhyuk- _hyung_ would stay with me too, if I asked, right?” Changkyun asked.

“Of course… if that’s what you want, when the time comes.”  Changkyun nodded, sighing and letting his eyes close.  “C’mon… Kihyun- _hyung_ will probably have breakfast ready, and if you’re about to go into heat you need to eat.”  Jooheon didn’t give Changkyun a chance to protest before he was pulled to his feet, but the older man had to steady him as Changkyun swayed slightly on his feet.  “You okay?”

“I feel weird…” Changkyun replied, shaking his head slightly.  “I’m kind of lightheaded.  And it’s really warm in here…”

Changkyun felt Jooheon carefully placing his cool hands on his face.  “Yeah… you’re definitely going into heat.”  Changkyun nodded, letting Jooheon hurry him out into the kitchen and setting him down at the small table.  

“Yah!  What are you doing?”  Changkyun looked up at Kihyun’s exclamation, surprised to see Jooheon taking a bowl from the older man’s hands without warning.  The beta smelt of green tea, although there was something slightly odd about the scent that Changkyun couldn’t quite place.

“Changkyun- _ah_ ’s going into heat, _hyung_ … he needs to eat before it fully hits,” Jooheon replied.  Changkyun felt his face heating up at the older rapper’s words, even as the bowl of rice and vegetables was pushed into his hands.  While he knew that the others needed to know what was going on, he couldn’t help feeling awkward at the fact that his _hyungs_ likely knew more about what was going on with his body and mind than he did himself.  “Do we have any protein bars anywhere?”

“I bought a whole box the other day, so unless someone’s been sneaking them they should still be in the cabinet.  If not, Hoseok- _hyung_ has protein powder we can use…”

“What for?” Changkyun asked, confused by the conversation taking place.  He’d only witnessed one of Byunghwa’s heats, and he’d left before it was finished because the whole idea had freaked him out.

But Jooheon didn’t seem the least bit fazed by his question.  “Eat.  The protein is for later, because you’re going to need to eat during, too,” Jooheon replied.  “It’s your first heat… it’s going to be longer and more intense than a normal heat.  Especially since yours is so late.”  Changkyun nodded.  The therapist he’d been seeing had done his best to prepare Changkyun for this by explaining as much as he could about what was likely to happen and why it wouldn’t be normal.  But actually facing it now was more daunting than Changkyun had expected it to be.

By the time he managed to finish the first bowl of food, Changkyun could feel his skin becoming more sensitive to the fabric of his clothing.  It was uncomfortable, and Changkyun couldn’t help fidgeting as he sat there.  It wasn’t until Hyunwoo made his way into the kitchen, filling the room with the scent of wintergreen, that anyone seemed to notice.  It smelled delicious, and Changkyun wanted the older man to touch him at that moment.  “Changkyun- _ah_ … you should go to the nest and make yourself comfortable.”

“Shit…”  Changkyun was confused by Jooheon’s words, until he realized that his cock was starting to harden and there was something wet starting to spread across the back of his boxers.  “Come on…”

Everything was a little fuzzy as they made their way into the nest, and Changkyun was thankful for Jooheon’s presence to keep him moving until they were safely inside the room.  “ _Hyung_ …?”

“It’s okay, Changkyun- _ah_ … just trust your instincts,” the older rapper replied, reaching out to touch his cheek again.  “I’m going to go get Minhyuk- _hyung_ , unless you don’t want us here?”

“I don’t know what I want…” Changkyun replied, shifting uncomfortably as he felt the wetness starting to slip down his thighs.  All he really wanted at that moment was to get out of his clothes.

“Are you okay if Minhyuk- _hyung_ and I are with you first?”  Changkyun nodded slowly.  “Okay.  Get comfortable, okay?  I’ll be back in just a minute.”  The other omega was out of the room quickly, and Changkyun hurried to get out of the shirt and boxers he’d slept in the night before.  Everything was so much more intense than he’d expected it to be; he wanted to touch himself, but at the same time Changkyun was still uncomfortable with the whole idea of being in heat.  And Changkyun wasn’t sure that he was quite ready to admit to what was going on with his body.

Changkyun almost didn’t notice the older omegas coming back into the room, until he smelt Jooheon’s scent of honey combined with the soft, delicious caramel scent that seemed to match Minhyuk so well.  But both of the older men were quick to make their way to him, and Minhyuk buried his nose in Changkyun’s scent gland, making him groan loudly as the older man giggled lightly.  “He does smell good…”

“ _Hyung_ …” Changkyun replied, trying his best to get someone to touch his aching cock.  He could feel Minhyuk’s hands roaming over his body, but they carefully avoided getting too close to the one part of his body that Changkyun _wanted_ the older men to touch.  “Please… stop teasing…”

“Sorry,” Minhyuk replied, as he moved to press a soft kiss against the spot where Changkyun’s neck met his shoulder and wrapped one of his large hands around Changkyun’s aching cock.  The sensation was almost too much, and Chagnkyun found himself thrusting into the warmth - an action that made Minhyuk chuckle slightly.  “Impatient much?”

“It _hurts_ …” Changkyun replied, whimpering softly.  “Please, _hyung_ … just help me…”

“We’re going to take care of you, baby.  We’re going to make you feel so good…”  Changkyun groaned at Jooheon’s words, feeling the older rapper’s hands on his ass cheeks, spreading them apart.  “Can I eat you out, Changkyun- _ah_?”  Changkyun groaned at the idea, unsure of why it sounded so wonderful.

“You have to give us yes or no answers, Changkyun- _ah_ ,” Minhyuk commented, pressing a soft kiss against his scent gland and sending shivers down Changkyun’s spine.  “If you aren’t sure, you can always tell us to stop and we will.  But we need you to tell us if what we’re doing is okay, or if it’s too much.”

“Y-yeah,” Changkyun finally replied, nodding as he closed his eyes and Minhyuk gently tightened his grip around Changkyun’s cock.  “Please… please, Jooheon- _ah_ …”

The older rapper leaned in and pressed a soft kiss against Changkyun’s lips.  “Lay down for me, then…”

Changkyun did as he was told, whimpering as Minhyuk let go of his cock to help him get situated comfortably in the nest.  “Lift your hips, baby…” the eldest cooed softly moving a couple of pillows underneath Changkyun’s hips and lower back.  “Jooheon- _ah_ ’s going to make you feel so good…”  Minhyuk moved a finger over Changkyun’s hole as he spoke, making the youngest omega whimper softly.  He _needed_ something more - something to calm the raging need in his belly - and Changkyun found himself trying to move so that the digit would breach the puckered hole.  Minhyuk, however, seemed content to simply take his hands away and lick the slick from his fingers as Jooheon positioned himself between Changkyun’s legs and spread his knees apart.  Changkyun couldn’t help groaning softly at the sight.

There wasn’t much time for Changkyun to process what was happening before he felt the warm, wet sensation of Jooheon pressing the flat of his tongue against Changkyun’s inner thighs, cleaning up the slick that had slid down his legs while he’d been waiting.  It wasn’t quite enough; Changkyun needed more, but he couldn’t get his mouth open to actually ask for the older man to touch him where he really needed it.

Minhyuk’s lips were back on Changkyun’s neck a moment later, gently licking and kissing at the soft skin of his scent gland and sending shivers down his spine again.  “P-please, _hyungs_ … I need more…”

“Shh… we’re going to take care of you,” Minhyuk replied, moving to press a kiss against his lips.  “Just enjoy this.  Jooheon- _ah_ ’s tongue is amazing, isn’t it?”  Changkyun nodded slowly, whimpering as the older rapper finally ran his tongue over the puckered hole, lapping up the slick that was collecting there and making Changkyun whine loudly.  His cock was so hard that it was painful, and he knew that all it would take as a couple of strokes and he would be done.

Changkyun began to move his hand down to his cock, but was stopped when Minhyuk grabbed his hands and moved them above his head.  “You aren’t allowed to touch… just relax and enjoy this.”

“I need to cum…” Changkyun whimpered.

“Keep your hands up here.  We’ll take care of you.”

Changkyun did as he was told trying his best not to move as Jooheon continued his attentions to Changkyun’s hole, licking up every ounce of slick that his body made.  Eventually, Minhyuk wrapped a hand loosely around his cock as Jooheon moved back and pressed a kiss against his thighs.  “Fuck… you taste so good, Changkyun- _ah_ …”  Changkyun whimpered softly as Minhyuk slowly stroked his cock, not applying nearly enough pressure to do anything other than tease.  “Can I open you up, Changkyun- _ah_?”

“We brought a knotting dildo… we thought it might help,” Minhyuk added, nipping softly at Changkyun’s earlobe.  “It can vibrate, too.”  Changkyun moaned at the thought, nodding quickly.  “Verbal, baby.  Yes or no.”

“Yes… please, _yes_ …” Changkyun replied, wanting nothing more than to get some kind of relief from his aching cock.

Changkyun could hardly focus on anything as Jooheon began working, gently pushing one finger through the ring of muscle.  It felt amazing, and Changkyun’s body took it easily.  “More… please, more,” he begged, whimpering as Jooheon moved the first finger in and out slowly.  The older rapper was quick to oblige, pushing a second finger in beside the first and curling his fingers slightly as he moved in them in and out, spreading them apart slightly as he stretched Changkyun open to accommodate the dildo that Minhyuk had told him about.

Eventually, Changkyun let himself get lost in the sensation as the two older omegas carefully worked on fulfilling his needs - Minhyuk still teasingly stroking his cock as Jooheon continued his ministrations.  He hardly even noticed a third finger being added; nothing really completely broke through the haze of pleasure that was building up in his brain until Changkyun felt Jooheon removing his fingers completely.  He whimpered softly at the loss of the older rapper’s fingers, until he felt something much larger being pressed gently against his entrance.

“Please…” Changkyun whimpered, without even waiting for the older man to ask if it was okay.  He moved his hips so that the dildo was pushing into him, moaning at how good it felt.  Jooheon clearly took that as his signal to go ahead, pushing the device further inside so that it filled Changkyun up in a way he’d never experienced before.

“Should we make it vibrate?” Minhyuk asked softly, making Changkyun moan loudly.  It sounded amazing - Changkyun wanted it, but he couldn’t quite get the words out of his mouth.  Still, Jooheon seemed to understand as the toy buzzed to life a moment later, making Changkyun jump and moan again.  It was almost too much as Jooheon angled the device so that it was pressed against his prostate, and after two quick stroked Changkyun felt himself spilling across his stomach without warning.

Changkyun didn’t really know what was going on after that until he felt the pillows being moved from underneath his hips, with Minhyuk pressing lazy kisses across his cheeks as Jooheon carefully removed the toy.  The intense feeling of need wasn’t completely gone, but it had calmed enough that Changkyun could feel exhaustion starting to take over.  “Rest now, baby.  We’ll be here when you wake up.”


	13. Hurt

“How’s he handling being in heat?”  Changkyun could barely hear the low voices coming from the doorway, but he could smell the sharp peppermint scent of Hoseok coming from the doorway, mingling with the caramel and honey he’d already been surrounded by.

“He seems okay so far.  We kept the first wave pretty vanilla, other than Jooheon deciding he wanted to eat Changkyun out.  But he was pretty receptive to letting us touch him.”  Changkyun chose not to move at Minhyuk’s words, just wanting to listen in to hear what the two older members of the group were saying.

“Do either of you need to tap out before the second round?  I know that Jooheon said earlier he was hesitant about having an alpha with him, but I can go get whoever he’s comfortable with…”

“I think we’re okay for now,” Minhyuk replied.  “Like I said, it was pretty tame.  But we’re going to check in with Changkyun- _ah_ when he wakes up again and see if he wants someone else to be with him for the next round or if he’s okay with one of you joining us.” 

Changkyun could hear Hoseok sigh.  “Okay.  Keep us posted, yeah?  If you all need anything…”

“Of course.”  Changkyun heard the door to the nest close, and he turned into Jooheon’s warmth as he felt Minhyuk climbing back into the bed.  “Wake up, sleepyhead… you need to drink some water and try to eat something before the next wave of your heat hits,” Minhyuk commented, curling up against Changkyun’s back and kissing the back of his neck softly.

“Not hungry,” Changkyun replied, trying his best to ignore the way every point of contact between his body and anything else felt as if it was on fire - a good burn, that brought back the same strange feeling of need in the pit of his stomach from earlier.

“I’m not asking if you’re hungry, baby.  I’m telling you that it’s time for you to eat something,” Minhyuk replied.  Changkyun felt the older omega untangling him from Jooheon and gently forcing him onto his back so that they were eye to eye.  “I know you don’t _want_ to eat, okay?  Heats are rough, and it’s hard to remember to take care of yourself properly.  But you’ll make yourself sick if you don’t it up and eat and drink something now, while you’re still in your right mind.  Once the next wave hits, you won’t be able to think properly and remember to take care of yourself.”

Changkyun nodded, letting the older man help him sit up.  He felt lightheaded again, but at least this time Changkyun knew that it was a normal part of being in heat.  He took the bottle of water from his _hyung_ , drinking it all as quickly as he could so that Changkyun could just get it over with.

“Eat this, too,” Minhyuk replied, taking the empty bottle and handing him a protein bar.  “They don’t taste the best, but it’ll keep you from losing too much weight while you’re in heat.”

The bar tasted a bit like sawdust mixed with cocoa powder, but Changkyun did his best to eat it anyway.  It wasn’t until he was halfway through that Changkyun finally spoke again.  “ _Hyung_ … what happens afterwards?” he asked softly.

“After what?” Minhyuk replied.

Changkyun looked down at the bedding before he responded.  “After the heat is over… will they be mad?  The company, I mean…”

“Of course not,” Minhyuk replied, reaching out a hand to stroke through Changkyun’s hair.  “They were expecting this to happen at some point… the managers told the company as soon as we knew you were going to present as an omega, and they were prepared for this.”  Changkyun closed his eyes as Minhyuk leaned in and pressed a kiss against his temple.  “Eat.”

It took a few more bites for Changkyun to work up the courage to press any further.  “So I won’t be in trouble for wasting everyone’s time?”

Minhyuk shook his head, clearly confused by the questions.  “No… you’re an omega in heat.  It isn’t something you can control - everyone knows that, and no one is upset with you,” Minhyuk replied.  Changkyun nodded, taking another bite out of the bar.  “Changkyun- _ah_ … why are you so worried?  Did someone say something…?”

Changkyun shook his head, closing his eyes.  “No… not here,” Changkyun replied, closing his eyes.

There was a brief moment of silence before Changkyun felt Minhyuk gently rubbing his back, an action that didn’t help Changkyun with the growing sensation of need low in his belly or the fact that his cock was starting to take notice of the older omega’s proximity.  “It was a problem at your old company, wasn’t it?”

“Byunghwa- _hyung_ would always be in so much trouble afterwards… but they wouldn’t let him take time out of our schedule to go to the doctor and get the suppressant medication you use, _hyung_ ,” Changkyun replied, not looking up at the older man.

Changkyun could hear a deep sigh from Minhyuk.  “Starship isn’t like that,” he replied, wrapping an arm around Changkyun’s shoulders and pulling him close.  “Starship treats their omegas right, Changkyun- _ah_.  They make sure that we get our medication, and they make sure that we have time and other members for our heats.  You don’t have to worry.”

“Minhyuk- _hyung_ is right…”  Changkyun turned to look at Jooheon, who had obviously just woken up during their discussion.  “All you need to worry about is making sure you get enough to eat and drink between waves of your heat.  When this is all over, you’ll go to the doctor and get a prescription, and everything will be okay.”

“And _no one_ is going to hurt you… if anyone does, all you have to do is tell the managers, and they’ll take care of it,” Minhyuk replied.

“It _was_ the managers at Special K…” Changkyun admitted, leaning into Minhyuk’s hug.  He turned his face toward the older man’s scent gland, letting the warm scent of caramel wash over him and help calm his nerves.

“Shit… they were that abusive?” Jooheon asked softly.  Changkyun didn’t respond, even as the older omegas both carefully rubbed his back.  “Was it just Byunghwa- _ssi_?”

“No… they hit everyone,” Changkyun replied, pulling his face out of Minhyuk’s neck.  “Any time we fucked up, we would get hit.  If I fucked up the language… you would think I’d committed a crime just for forgetting to call someone _hyung_.  I hadn’t lived in Korea for over a decade when I joined Special K…”

“That won’t happen here.  You know that, right?” Jooheon asked.  Changkyun nodded, finally relaxing enough to allow the omega side of his brain begin to take over again.  “Your next wave is starting to come, isn’t it?”

“Yeah…” Changkyun replied, letting the other omegas take over and lay him down on the bed.

“Who do you want with you this time?” Minhyuk asked softly, stroking a hand down Changkyun’s side.

“You…” Changkyun replied.  “Both of you, please… stay with me…”

“Of course we will, Changkyun- _ah_ …”  Jooheon’s words were comforting, and Changkyun reached up to grab the older rapper by the back of the head and pull him down into a soft kiss.  He wanted to move faster, but something was holding Changkyun back from actually pushing for things to move faster.  Minhyuk leaned down for his own kiss once Changkyun let go of the other rapper, and Changkyun gladly obliged.

“I want more this time…” Changkyun finally commented, as both of his _hyungs_ lay down next to him.  “I… I want someone to fuck me…”

Changkyun whimpered softly as Minhyuk moved to kneel between his legs, spreading one of his large hands across Changkyun’s belly.  “You sure about this?”  Changkyun nodded, reaching up to pull the oldest omega’s head down so that he could connect their lips in a brief kiss.

“Do you want to be in control?” Jooheon asked, once the eldest omega had pulled away from the kiss.  “It’ll be easier, if you’re nervous…”

“Please,” Changkyun replied, nodding.

Changkyun was thankful for the two older omegas as they helped him sit up; the lightheadedness seemed to get worse as he got further into his heat.  But soon enough he was seated in Minhyuk’s lap, with both of their cocks in the space between them.  Changkyun whimpered as he felt Jooheon behind him, carefully stroking the tip of his finger across Changkyun’s entrance as the youngest omega put his arms around Minhyuk’s neck and leaned into the older man.  “You taste so good… the alphas are going to be jealous that we get to have you all to ourselves this time around.”

“They have every right to be jealous,” Minhyuk added.  Changkyun closed his eyes as the older man wrapped his arms around Changkyun’s waist, pressing a soft kiss against his neck.  “You’re going to look so good on my cock… moaning and falling apart…”

There was a gentle press of a finger against Changkyun’s entrance and he whimpered softly as he pressed back against it, letting the older rapper’s finger breach his entrance.  It wasn’t anywhere close to enough to sate the need that was building in Changkyun’s belly.  “Fuck… that was hot, Changkyun- _ah_ …”

“Please… more…”

Changkyun found himself clinging to Minhyuk as the older rapper slowly worked his body open, taking pains not to move too quickly even though Changkyun was starting to feel desperate for more than just the fingers that were carefully stroking in and out, massaging his prostate and sending waves of pleasure through Changkyun’s body as he moaned against Minhyuk’s neck.  The eldest omega held him closely, whispering soft words of encouragement as the rapper worked until Changkyun was lost in a world of pleasure and overwhelming _need_ that did nothing but make him want _more_.

The sensation of Jooheon’s fingers being pulled out made Changkyun whine at the loss, but Minhyuk pressed a kiss against his lips.  “It’s okay, baby… you’re ready?”  Changkyun nodded, lifting his hips up so that he could reposition himself to hover over the eldest’s cock.  He was thankful when Minhyuk lined his cock up with his entrance, making it much easier for Changkyun to press back, whimpering softly as he felt the older man filling him up.

“Damn… that was hot…” Jooheon commented softly, attaching his lips to the back of Changkyun’s neck.

“God… you feel so good, baby,” Minhyuk replied.

Changkyun shook his head, suddenly feeling overwhelmed by the prospect of what he was supposed to do.  “I can’t… I can’t do this…”  Changkyun pulled away from the older omega, lifting himself off the man’s cock and pulling away as quickly as he could, trying to get away despite the fact that his body was aching for release.  The thoughts were racing too quickly for Changkyun to really focus on any single idea in his head; all he knew was that he needed to get away from what was going on more than anything else.

Changkyun wasn’t really sure what happened after that; all he really knew was that suddenly, he was wrapped in a blanket and Jooheon’s arms were wrapped around his body in such a way that he couldn’t lift his arms.  He could feel the tears streaming down his face, but Changkyun couldn’t really remember when they’d started.  “It’s okay… you’re okay…”

“What happened?”  Changkyun looked up, surprised to see Hyunwoo kneeling a few feet away watching them.  “Changkyun- _ah_ , are you okay?”

“I don’t know…” Changkyun admitted.  His body wanted the alpha to come closer and take care of him, but his brain was fighting his body’s physical needs.  “I can’t do this, _hyung_ … I can’t…”

“What can’t you do?” Hyunwoo asked softly, still keeping his distance.

“Being an omega… being in heat… I can’t _do_ any of this!”  Changkyun felt sick, trying his best not to struggle against Jooheon’s tight hold on his body.  Everything hurt, and it was all _too much_ in that moment.

“What about the suppressants?” Hyunwoo asked softly.  “Would a high enough dose stop his heat after it’s already started?”

“They can’t stop a heat from happening once it starts,” Jooheon replied, stroking Changkyun’s back slowly in an obvious attempt at trying to keep Changkyun as calm as possible in his current situation.  “I’m sorry, baby, but you have to wait it out.”


	14. Rest

Everything hurt; Changkyun’s whole body felt as if it was on fire, and nothing could make the sensation stop.  Or at least, nothing that Changkyun was willing to do.  It wasn’t for lack of trying on the part of his _hyungs_.  Changkyun vaguely remembered each of them coming in at some point to try and help him out, but each time it had ended with the fear in his head taking over until he’d pushed them away and told them to get out.  The most anyone had managed was to get him to drink water periodically, but he hadn’t been able to really take in much without feeling sick or overwhelmed.

Changkyun wasn’t sure how long he was stuck in the throes of his heat, but eventually he felt his head begin to clear and his body begin to relax.  It was a welcome relief, but every muscle in his body screamed at him when he tried to move and he didn’t have the energy to even lift his head from the pillow by the time it was all over.

“I think it’s finally over…”  Changkyun knew that it was Kihyun’s voice, but he was too exhausted to actually look for the beta.  He was just thankful for the man’s presence; now that his heat was over, he _craved_ the physical affection that he’d denied himself.  “Minhyuk- _ah_ , try to get him to drink some water… I’m going to go make him some soup.”

“What if he won’t drink?” Minhyuk asked softly.  “He’s barely been able to take in anything… and it’s been _days_ …”

“If he can’t drink, we take him to the hospital,” Kihyun replied.  “Just get over here and try, Minhyuk- _ah_.  I know you’re worried that all of this was somehow your fault, but it’s _not_.  And right now, we need to take care of him.”

Changkyun felt a soft hand on his cheek, before he felt someone gently lifting him up so that they were supporting his weight as he leaned back against their chest.  The soft scent of caramel told him that it was Minhyuk holding him, and he subconsciously leaned into the eldest omega’s hand as Minhyuk stroked his cheek.  “Open your eyes for me, baby…”  Changkyun did as he was told, watching as Minhyuk carefully uncapped a bottle of water.  “I need you to drink this… small sips, okay?  Just a little at a time.”

The older man gently held the bottle to Changkyun’s lips, tilting it just enough so that Changkyun could drink a little of the bottle’s contents.  Minhyuk repeated the process a few times, never giving Changkyun more than a small sip from the bottle, before he spoke again.  “How are you feeling?”

“Exhausted,” Changkyun replied, letting his eyes close again.  “Everything hurts…”

“I’m sure… my heats are uncomfortable enough with help,” Minhyuk replied softly.  “I can’t imagine going through almost an entire heat alone.  And you were under for so long…”

“How long?” Changkyun asked.

“Eight days… we were starting to worry, because you didn’t want to drink and we couldn’t get you to eat at all…” Minhyuk replied.  “Speaking of which, you need to drink more water… you’re really dehydrated, and we don’t want you to get sick.”

Changkyun did as he was told, taking small sips with the older omega’s help.  It actually felt nice, having Minhyuk holding him as he drank and occasionally stroking his hair.  “Kihyun- _ah_ is making some soup for you… you can’t sleep until you’ve eaten something.”

“I’m so tired, _hyung_ …” Changkyun replied.

“We have to get something into your stomach, baby… you’ve lost too much weight,” Minhyuk replied.

Changkyun was thankful that Kihyun arrived at that moment with a bowl and spoon.  “You must be starving, Changkyun- _ah_ …”

“I really just want to sleep…”

“You _have_ to eat something, baby… it’s been _days_ …” Minhyuk replied, gently pulling Changkyun up so that he was sitting up a bit more.  “Just try, okay?  Try to eat at least a little bit of the soup Kihyun- _ah_ made.”  Changkyun nodded, doing his best to sit up a little more and try to reach for the spoon.  His movements were shaky, and Changkyun’s hands were almost too weak to hold the spoon.

“Just let me help you, Changkyun- _ah_ …”  Kihyun clearly recognized that he wasn’t really strong enough to feed himself, and the older man was quick to fill the spoon with soup and bringing it to his lips.  The liquid was warm and it tasted delicious, but Changkyun only managed to make it about halfway through the bowl before he couldn’t eat any more.  “Come on, baby… you need to eat more than that.”

“I can’t,” Changkyun replied, shaking his head.  “Not right now… I need to take a break.”

“It isn’t like we’re going to be leaving him here alone, Kihyun- _ah_ … we can always give him more later, after he’s had a chance to rest,” Minhyuk added.

Changkyun could see that Kihyun wanted to argue about the food, but he shot Kihyun his best pleading look and the beta closed his mouth before he said a word, sighing.  “Okay.  We’ll take a break for a little while.  But you need to at least finish that bottle of water, Changkyun- _ah_.  You’re dehydrated, and we don’t want to have to take you to the hospital.”

“I’ll make sure he finishes it,” Minhyuk replied.  The beta seemed appeased by Minhyuk’s assurance that Changkyun would drink the water in the bottle, and he left the two omegas alone.  Changkyun closed his eyes again, until he felt Minhyuk poking him gently.  “Hey… just a little more water, and then you can sleep.  I promised Kihyun I would make sure you finished the bottle, and I’m not about to piss him off…”

“I’m just closing my eyes, _hyung_ …” Changkyun replied, not opening his eyes.

“Just don’t fall asleep until you’ve finished it, yeah?  We don’t want to make him mad… Kihyun- _ah_ can be scary…”  Changkyun smiled slightly at the thought, and forced his eyes open to finish off the bottle of water with Minhyuk’s help.

Changkyun was thankful when the older man finally put away the empty bottle, before moving around some of the pillows on the bed and helping Changkyun move to lay down again.  “ _Hyung_?”

“Yeah, Changkyunnie?”  Minhyuk asked, as the older man gently covered him with one of the blankets.

“ _Hyung_?  Will you stay with me?”

“Of course.”

Feeling the older omega pressing up against his back was comforting, even though Changkyun knew that they needed to talk about what had happened during his heat.  Changkyun knew enough about his _hyung_ to know that Minhyuk likely blamed himself for what had happened, even though Changkyun’s sudden panic had had nothing to do with the people he was with - that it was all related to his own issues, rather than anything they had done.

“Minhyuk- _hyung_ … you know that it wasn’t your fault, right?” Changkyun asked softly.  He didn’t wait for the older man to respond before he continued.  “When I panicked… it had nothing to do with you, or Jooheon, or anyone else in the group.  _I_ wasn’t ready… I pushed myself too far, thinking that things were better than they really were…”

“I know, Changkyun- _ah_ ,” Minhyuk replied.  “Just rest now, okay?  We can talk when you’re feeling better.”


	15. Checking In

Changkyun wasn’t sure which was worse - going through his heat without any assistance, or being completely unable to take care of himself as he began to recover from the experience.  He hated being dependent on his _hyungs_ for so much, but his body didn’t seem to want to cooperate with him as Changkyun tried to just dress himself the morning after his heat ended.  He’d barely managed to get his clothes on before he’d found himself collapsing on Minhyuk’s bed, exhausted from the effort.  It didn’t help that Changkyun’s clothes were hanging off his body - his skinny jeans were slipping down over his hips in an awkward way, despite his belt, and the shirt that had once fit comfortably now hung on him as if it belonged to Hyunwoo rather than Changkyun himself.

“Changkyun- _ah_ , we’re supposed to leave in ten minutes…” Kihyun prodded from the doorway.  “Changkyun- _ah_?”  There was a tone of concern in the beta’s voice.

“I just need a minute, _hyung_ …” Changkyun replied.

Kihyun was kneeling next to the bed a moment later, placing a hand on his forehead.  “Are you feeling okay?”

“I’m just tired… I still don’t have much energy…”

“Maybe you should stay home today and rest, then.  You need to take care of yourself…” Kihyun began.

Changkyun shook his head.  “I have an appointment with the psychologist today.  I need to start working out what happened during my heat…”

“That can be rescheduled, if you’re too tired,” Kihyun replied.  “Seriously, you shouldn’t push yourself too much when you’re still so weak.  Especially not when you’re barely able to eat…”

“It’s March, _hyung_.  Our debut is May 14 th.  That’s two months.  That’s almost no time…” Changkyun replied.  “I have to get it under control, _hyung_.  I have to get back to work…”

“Is he coming?”  Changkyun closed his eyes at the sound of Hyunwoo’s voice from the doorway.  “We’re supposed to leave soon… and I don’t think he’s even eaten breakfast yet…”

“He ate,” Kihyun replied.  “I made sure of that, before I woke you guys up.  And I put some extra water bottles and snacks in his backpack for later.”

“I’m fine, Kihyun- _hyung_ … help me up?” Changkyun asked.  He was thankful when the beta took his hand, pulling him up into a seated position without questioning him again.  “It’s not like I’m going to physical therapy or trying to go to dance practice… it’s just a visit with my therapist.  Which is probably better than me laying around here doing nothing all day…”

“You wouldn’t be doing nothing.  You would be resting and recovering from the hell you just put your body through,” Kihyun replied.  Changkyun looked down, feeling sick at the thought.

“Kihyun- _ah_ … go put your shoes on.  I’ll help Changkyun- _ah_.”

Changkyun felt a little uncomfortable being left alone with the alpha, given everything that had happened, but Hyunwoo kept his distance for a moment and moved away from the doorway slightly, so that Changkyun didn’t feel the least bit trapped by his presence.  “Changkyun- _ah_ … are you sure that you’re feeling up to going out today?” Hyunwoo asked.

“I’ll be fine,” Changkyun replied, nodding.  “I need to do this, _hyung_ … it’s just a couple of doctor’s appointments, and then I’ll ask the manager to bring me back to the dorm.”

Hyunwoo nodded, walking closer to the bed and offering Changkyun a hand to help him stand up.  “Okay.  If you’re sure.”  Changkyun accepted the help, stiffening as he was pulled into the alpha’s chest unexpectedly.  “ _Aish_ … I’m sorry… I didn’t realize how light you were…”

“It’s okay, _hyung_ ,” Changkyun replied, pulling away slightly.  “We should go, yeah?”

Changkyun didn’t want to admit that he was feeling weak and shaky as they got into the van, but it seemed as though everyone picked up on it anyway.  Kihyun was quick to pull a water bottle out of Changkyun’s bag, uncapping it and putting it in his hands.  “Drink, Changkyun- _ah_.  And let me know if you start to feel sick, so that I can hand you the trash can.”  Changkyun nodded slowly, doing as he was told.

“Is everything okay, guys?” the manager asked.

“Changkyun- _ah_ ’s still feeling a little weak from his heat… he’s just a little dehydrated,” Kihyun replied.  Changkyun closed his eyes as the beta pulled out a second bottle, placing the cold plastic against the back of his neck.

“We’ll mention it to the doctor when I take him to get his suppressant prescription this afternoon… they might be able to do something to make it a bit easier…”

The drive to the company didn’t take all that long, but it felt almost unending as Changkyun sat there, sipping his bottle of water and letting Kihyun hold the cold bottle against the back of his neck to help him feel better.  It wasn’t until the rest of the group was getting out of the van that Kihyun moved the bottle away, handing it back to Changkyun with a smile.  “Take care of yourself today, Changkyun- _ah_ … okay?  Get some rest when you get done with your doctor’s appointments.”

“Don’t worry, Kihyun- _ah_ … I’m going to take Changkyun- _ah_ back to the dorm afterwards and make him rest this afternoon,” the manager replied.

Being alone in the van with the manager somehow felt more awkward than it had before Changkyun’s heat; there was something different about the silence that usually came over them when the rest of the group left, but Changkyun couldn’t quite place it.  Finally, the manager spoke up as they were stopped at a red light, looking back at Changkyun in the rearview mirror.  “Changkyun- _ah_ … I know that you have an appointment with the therapist this morning.  But you look like you need to see a medical doctor first.  Is it okay with you if I try to rearrange your appointments?”

“I’d rather just get the therapy appointment over with,” Changkyun replied softly, taking another sip out of his bottle.  “I’ll be okay until afterwards, _hyung_.  But I really need to talk about it…”

The manager nodded, turning his eyes back to the road as the light turned green.  “Okay.  But we’re going straight to the hospital to get your prescription, and probably a couple of hours on an IV afterwards.”

Changkyun nodded.  “I’m okay with that.”

Something about the conversation had relaxed the tension in the vehicle somewhat, and Changkyun found himself relaxing and just focusing on drinking his bottle of water as they drove across the city.

There was no wait when Changkyun arrived at the psychologist’s office, given the fact that he as the first appointment of the day.  It was a little strange, but Changkyun found that he didn’t really mind being able to go straight in and take his usual seat on the sofa across from the woman.

“Changkyun- _ah_ … how are you feeling today?” the woman asked, smiling at him.

“Tired,” Changkyun replied, sighing.  “I went into heat last week… it was kind of a mess…”

Changkyun was surprised at how quickly the woman had begun to make notes about the session; he hadn’t even finished his first sentence, and she was still writing.  But he didn’t have much time to think about the fact before the woman spoke again.  “Tell me about what happened.  Did something go wrong?”

Changkyun bit down on his lip for a moment.  “It lasted eight days… I was okay at first, with just Minhyuk- _hyung_ and Jooheon- _hyung_ helping me out.  The first wave was okay.  But I think I pushed myself too far during the second wave…”  Changkyun closed his eyes, taking a deep breath.  He felt awkward even _thinking_ about sexual things in front of the woman, but he knew that he had to talk about it if he was going to figure out what was so difficult for him about going through his heat  “I asked Minhyuk- _hyung_ to fuck me.  Jooheon- _hyung_ suggested that it might be good for me to be in control, so I was on top… but all of a sudden it was just too much, and I couldn’t keep going…”

“Did you have a panic attack?” the psychologist asked.  Changkyun nodded, looking down at his lap.  “Okay… how did you react to that?  What happened?”

“I shut down…” Changkyun began, shaking his head.  “I remember deciding that I couldn’t handle having sex… that I need to just tough it out and deal with it on my own.  But I don’t really remember anything after that until yesterday…”  There was another moment of silence as the woman continued to write; Changkyun couldn’t help noticing that the woman hadn’t stopped writing during his entire session.  “You’re worried about me…”

The psychologist sighed slightly.  “I’m not going to lie to you, Changkyun- _ah_ … you’ve lost a significant amount of weight since our last session, and what you’re telling me is concerning…”  Changkyun nodded at the psychologist’s words, understanding what she meant.  “Were you taking your anxiety medication?”

Changkyun shrugged.  “I know I took it the morning before my heat started, and I took it yesterday and today.  But I honestly don’t know about the rest of it…”

“Okay… the best thing right now is to make sure you stay on track with the medication from this point forward, even if you did miss a dose or two while you were going through your heat,” the psychologist replied.  There was a prolonged silence, before the woman spoke again.  “Let’s talk about what happened while you were in heat… who was in the room with you when you panicked?”

“Just Minhyuk- _hyung_ and Jooheon- _hyung_ ,” Changkyun replied.  “Hoseok- _hyung_ was there at first, but he left before anything happened.  They didn’t do anything wrong - they were all letting me be in control, letting me choose who was there and what we did.  But it was still too much…”

“What happened after you decided you wanted to stop?” the psychologist asked.

“I moved away… I don’t really know what happened, but I ended up wrapped in a blanket and crying.  They didn’t _do_ anything to me… nothing bad happened.  I do remember Hyunwoo- _hyung_ came in, and I told them I couldn’t do it any more.  I don’t really remember much of anything after that…” Changkyun replied.  “Minhyuk- _hyung_ told me that I didn’t eat anything, and that they had a hard time getting me to even drink water…”

“But you’ve been able to eat and drink since then?”

“Yeah… I’m still not feeling great, but Kihyun- _hyung_ has been making sure that I’m eating and drinking water since I came out of it.”

The psychologist nodded slowly, before looking up from the paper she’d been writing on.  “Changkyun- _ah_ … right now, I think that it’s more important to focus on your physical health.  Knowing where the issues are is important, but I’m worried that you’re too weak to really focus on your mental health right now.”

“I’m okay…” Changkyun began.

“You’re shaking, Changkyun- _ah_ ,” the woman replied.  He looked down at his hands, realizing that she was right.  “I think that it would be in your best interests to make a visit to the hospital this morning… let them give you IV fluids for a couple of hours, and go ahead and get a prescription for the heat suppressant medication that you’ll need to take so that you can focus on your mental health instead of worrying about heats…”

Changkyun sighed.  “I have an appointment already…”

“And I’m saying that you don’t need to wait,” the psychologist replied.  “Please… go get checked out.  Your physical health is more important than this right now.  We can pick up again once you’ve been checked out by a doctor and you’re feeling better.”

Changkyun sighed, nodding and closing his eyes.  “Okay.”


	16. Hospital

There was a low, steady beeping noise in Changkyun’s ear as he forced his eyes open, which didn’t make much sense.  The last thing he remembered was being called back by a nurse at the emergency room, but he certainly didn’t remember how he’d gotten into a bed.  “There you are… how are you feeling?”

“What?” Changkyun asked, turning to look at the nurse who spoke to him.  “What happened?”

“You blacked out due to dehydration.  We’ve got you on IV fluids right now,” the nurse replied.  “We’re going to let you rest for a little while longer, before Doctor Cha comes in to talk to you…”  Changkyun nodded slightly, letting his eyes close and trying to relax back into the bed.

“How is he?”  Changkyun didn’t react, even as he heard the manager’s voice.

“He’s stabilized now… his heart rate has returned to a normal, safe level and the other physical symptoms are resolving.  Right now, our only real concern is his weight… I know that on the intake paperwork, you mentioned that he had gone through an exceptionally long heat immediately prior to admission.  How was his health before that heat began?”

Changkyun heard the manager sigh.  “He’s had a rough few months… he’s about to debut with a new Idol group, but he fell and hurt his foot about three weeks ago.  He’s been having some mental health issues as well…”

“Was he eating?” the doctor asked.

“Changkyun- _ah_ was depressed… he’d lost some weight, but I don’t think that he was hurting himself…” the manager replied.  “Or, I don’t think he was _trying_ to hurt himself, at least.  He hasn’t had it easy…”

“Mental illness rarely strikes those that have,” the doctor replied.  “I assume that means he’s being treated by a psychiatrist already, then?”  Changkyun didn’t hear the man’s answer, but he assumed that the manager was nodding.  “Alright.  If you’ll give his psychiatrist’s contact information to the nurses, I’ll make sure to contact them immediately, so that we can determine what needs to happen next.”

“He’s not getting out of here today, is he?” the manager asked.

There was a heavy sigh from the doctor.  “I can’t answer that question right now… he’s definitely underweight, but I don’t know that he meets the criteria to be hospitalized until I confer with his psychiatrist.  If you can get that information to the nurse, I should be able to give you an answer by the time his IV finishes.”

Changkyun waited until he heard the men leaving before he opened his eyes, sighing and turning his head to look around the room.  He’d hoped for a window to stare out of, but he was unfortunately left in a small, windowless room that only held two beds.  Luckily, the second bed was empty.

Changkyun didn’t look towards the door as he heard it opening, even when he felt the manager putting a hand on his foot.  “Changkyun- _ah_ … how are you feeling?”

“Still kind of tired, but I feel a lot better than I did this morning,” Changkyun replied.  “Has the doctor said anything about the suppressants yet?”

“Not yet.  But I’m sure we’ll get that taken care of before you’re released.  Right now, we’re waiting for Doctor Cha to consult with your psychiatrist about what happened, and for your IV to finish so that we’re sure you’re not dehydrated any more,” the manager replied.  Changkyun nodded, letting his eyes close again.  “Changkyun- _ah_ … is there anything you need to tell me?”

“I’m not starving myself, _hyung_ … not intentionally,” Changkyun replied, not bothering to open his eyes.  “I _want_ to eat.  I want to be okay.  But it’s hard, with everything going on…”

“You wouldn’t eat during your heat…”

“I don’t know why, _hyung_ ,” Changkyun replied, shaking his head.  “I think I didn’t want anyone near me, because I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to handle it… and I don’t even know why I was so afraid, because I _know_ that the _hyungs_ would never do anything to hurt me…”  Changkyun felt the man squeezing his foot gently.  “I’m sorry for causing so many problems, _hyung_.”

“This isn’t your fault, Changkyun- _ah_.  You’re doing everything you can to figure out what’s going wrong with your thought processes, and you’re working to figure out how to deal with it.  That’s all we can ask of you.”  Changkyun opened his eyes turning to look at the older man.  “You should rest.  Hopefully we’ll know a bit more about what’s happening and what we need to do next soon enough.”

Changkyun nodded, doing his best to relax and not think about how badly everything had gone wrong.  Even after all of the hard work he’d put into trying to fix his issues, it seemed as though Changkyun was even worse off than he had been before he’d tarted getting help.  It was frustrating and overwhelming, and Changkyun couldn’t help the tears that were beginning to slip down his cheeks.

“Hey… hey, you’re okay,” the manager commented, as soon as he saw the tears.  The older man moved to sit on the side of the bed, although Changkyun could tell that he was unsure about actually initiating physical contact in that moment.  “I’m sure that this is overwhelming.  But they aren’t going to do anything without talking to you first, and everyone here wants to help you.”

“It’s just too much…” Changkyun replied softly, closing his eyes and reaching up to wipe away the tears.  “It’s all gotten so much worse than it was in the beginning, and now I’m not sure if going through with all of the therapy and medication is even worth it, when it only seems to be making me worse…”

Changkyun felt the manager putting a hand on his knee, trying his best to be comforting.  “I know that this isn’t easy, Changkyun- _ah_.  But it hasn’t been that long… I’m sure you just need more time to work through everything that’s happened and everything you’re feeling…”

“Your manager is right.”  Changkyun opened his eyes, looking up at the familiar sound of his psychiatrist’s voice.  “If you’ll give us some time, I’d like to speak to Changkyun- _ssi_ and I think that some privacy would be in his best interests right now.”

“Of course.  You have my number if you need me, Changkyun- _ah_?”  Changkyun nodded in response to the question, before looking down at the blanket again.

There was a moment of silence after the door closed, before the psychiatrist spoke up again.  “How are you feeling, Changkyun- _ssi_?”

“Tired,” Changkyun replied.  “I don’t… I’m not sure if I can keep doing this…”

The doctor seemed to contemplate his words for a moment before responding.  “What is it you don’t think you can do any more?” the man finally asked, softly.

“The therapy sessions… it’s just making everything worse…” 

“I know that it seems that way right now.  And I understand that it’s frustrating to feel as if you’re doing worse instead of getting better.  But this isn’t an easy situation to deal with, and walking away right now isn’t a good idea…”

“How did you even get here so fast?” Changkyun asked, interrupting the doctor.

The psychiatrist seemed to realize that Changkyun was trying to derail the conversation because he wasn’t comfortable with it, but he didn’t seem all that concerned with forcing Changkyun to stay on track.  “I was already here at the hospital to check on another patient when my answering service called.  Doctor Cha and I spoke briefly, but I wanted to speak to you before I made an official recommendation about what should happen next.”

“You want to keep me in the hospital,” Changkyun replied, not really asking a question.

“I’m trying to determine whether or not that’s necessary,” the doctor replied.  “I can’t make that decision lightly, and I don’t want to make any kind of decision without making sure I have the whole story.  Which means that I need you to talk to me about what happened and what’s going on in your head now.”  Changkyun nodded slowly, looking down at the bed again.  “Talk me through what happened… you went into heat ten days ago, correct?”

“I think so… I don’t remember most of what happened while I was in heat,” Changkyun replied.  “They told me it was eight days long…”

“What do you remember about all of it?” the doctor asked.

Changkyun found himself taking a deep breath, closing his eyes.  “The first wave wasn’t bad… it was just Minhyuk- _hyung_ and Jooheon- _hyung_ with me the whole time.  The others stayed away, because I wasn’t sure if I wanted them there.  The idea of having an alpha in the room made me anxious, even though I trust Hyunwoo- _hyung_ and Hoseok- _hyung_ …”

“So it was only the group’s omegas helping you through your heat?”  Changkyun nodded.  “When did things start to go wrong?”

“When we tried… when I…”  Changkyun closed his eyes, trying to get the words to come out.  It felt ridiculous, being unable to say something so simple even though he logically knew that there was nothing to be ashamed of.  Changkyun hadn’t done anything that wasn’t completely normal and natural, and yet he found himself struggling with the idea of actually _saying_ it.

“Take your time,” the doctor replied.

Changkyun sighed, shaking his head.  “I can’t say it…”

There was a brief moment of silence, before the doctor spoke again.  “Changkyun- _ah_ … have you talked with your psychologist about your feelings regarding sex?”  Changkyun shook his head, looking down at his lap.  “Obviously, this is something that you’re not comfortable with.  But it’s definitely something that needs to be addressed…”

“I’m not ready for this…” Changkyun replied, shaking his head.

“I can see that.  But it isn’t something you can ignore, Changkyun- _ssi_.  The suppressant medication can stop this from happening again, but it isn’t a permanent solution to your problems.  And as an omega, it’s doubly important that we figure this out so that you can learn how to cope with your heats when they do have to happen.”


	17. Late Conversations

It was late by the time Changkyun found himself walking back into the dorm, exhausted from everything that had happened that day.  A part of him wanted to just climb into his bunk and sleep for two days, but at the same time he wanted the comfort of having _someone_ there with him, to hold onto him and tell him that everything would be okay.

Changkyun was surprised to find Hyungwon sitting on the couch, watching something on his iPad and clearly waiting for Changkyun to get home.  Of all of his _hyungs_ , Hyungwon was the last one that he would have expected to actually wait up for him, sitting on the couch in his pajamas and wearing his glasses instead of the contacts the beta usually wore.  “ _Hyung_?” Changkyun asked, as he hung his coat up on the rack with everyone else’s.  “You’re up late…”

“I was waiting for you,” Hyungwon replied, shutting down the device in his hands and gently patting the couch cushion next to him.  “Everyone else is asleep… I volunteered to wait up so that we could talk.”  Changkyun bit his lip, feeling more than a little uncomfortable at the idea.  Hyungwon was probably the _hyung_ Changkyun had interacted with the least, and he wasn’t really sure what the older man intended with this interaction.  “I’m not going to bite, you know.  I really just want to talk.”

Changkyun nodded, sinking down into the cushions slowly.  He left a little space between the two of them, still unsure of what was going on.  “I’m sorry for screwing things up again…”

“That isn’t why I want to talk to you,” Hyungwon interrupted.  Changkyun was surprised when the older man reached out to put a hand gently on his shoulder.  “How are you feeling?”

“I’m just tired… it’s been a long day…”

“Manager- _hyung_ told Hyunwoo- _hyung_ that it had been pretty rough on you,” Hyungwon replied.  Changkyun nodded; he should have known that the manager would have called and let the rest of the group know at least some of what was going on.  “I don’t normally help with heats… everyone else knows, but I told them I would help if you needed me, because I know that the first time can be really rough.”

“I guess you didn’t need to after all…” Changkyun began.

Hyungwon squeezed his shoulder gently.  “Do you want to know why I don’t usually help?” Hyungwon asked.  Changkyun nodded slowly; despite the fact that he was tired, he couldn’t help being curious about what his _hyung_ was talking about.  “I’m asexual.  It’s different for betas, because we don’t have the same biological need to reproduce that alphas and omegas have.  Most betas still at least want to have sex from time to time… but I don’t.”

“I don’t understand…” Changkyun began softly, letting the older man move his hand so that his arm was around Changkyun’s shoulders.  Hyungwon’s soft scent of lavender swirled around him, calming Changkyun slightly despite the awkwardness of the unusual situation.

“It can be hard to explain… do you remember what it was like before you presented, when you wanted to fool around with someone?”

Changkyun shook his head at Hyungwon’s question, closing his eyes.  “I didn’t.”

Hyungwon was silent for a moment, as if he was considering what Changkyun had said.  “You never wanted to have sex before your heat started?”

“It freaked me out…” Changkyun admitted, biting down on his bottom lip.  The whole conversation was starting to make him feel sick to his stomach, and Changkyun just wanted to make it stop.  “It _still_ freaks me out.  And I really don’t want to talk about this…”

Hyungwon’s hand moved to stroke his hair.  “Okay.  We don’t have to talk about it.  But just know that I’m here, if you ever decide that you want to talk with someone who sort of gets it.”

“Thanks, _hyung_.”

“C’mon, let’s go sleep,” Hyungwon replied, moving to help Changkyun up from the couch.  He was a little surprised when the older man started to lead him towards the nest instead of his own bedroom, and Changkyun found himself hesitating.  “Would you rather go sleep in your bunk?” Hyungwon asked softly, keeping a hand gently on Changkyun’s back.

“I feel weird about being in the nest…” Changkyun replied, not looking up at his _hyung_.  “I don’t really belong there…”

“No one is going to kick you out, Changkyun- _ah_.  Even if you just want to cuddle, or to be close to somebody else… it’s okay,” Hyungwon replied.  “I thought it was going to be weird at first when I told everyone, back before No.Mercy.  But no one cares that much.  Jooheon- _ah_ and the _hyungs_ will accept whatever you’re comfortable with.  You just have to let us know what that is…”

Changkyun didn’t move, looking down at the floor for a moment as he tried to process what the older man was saying.  “You said yourself, it’s different for betas…” Changkyun began.

“That wasn’t what I meant,” Hyungwon replied.  Changkyun felt the man putting a hand on his shoulder, turning him around so that they were facing one another again.  “Betas don’t have a biological urge to procreate.  Being asexual isn’t a problem for betas… but I can imagine it would be really confusing and upsetting for an alpha or an omega, especially if they didn’t know what was going on…”

“You’re trying to suggest something, aren’t you?” Changkyun asked softly.

“Do you really want to talk about this?  We don’t have to, if you don’t want to,” Hyungwon replied, running a hand down Changkyun’s spine.  The beta was careful to stop a couple of inches above his ass, gently rubbing a small circle on Changkyun’s lower back.

“I just want to fix this… I want things to not be so complicated,” Changkyun replied.  He could feel the tears starting to gather in the corners of his eyes again, but he didn’t want to cry in front of the other man.  Changkyun didn’t want to burden Hyungwon in that way, but he wasn’t sure that he was going to have much choice with the way things were going.

Hyungwon seemed to realize that Changkyun was upset, and the older man pulled him into a hug.  “So then talk to me,” Hyungwon replied.  “If we know what upset you, then we can figure out how to make all of this work.”

Changkyun let his head rest against the older man’s chest, closing his eyes.  “It freaks me out… I as okay when it was just hands and mouths.  And I _wanted_ it at first, when we started… but it was too much, too fast.  It scared me…” Changkyun replied.  The older man stroked his hair softly, holding Changkyun close while still obviously trying to give him space so that he could escape if he needed it.  “Maybe if it had been slower…”

“You don’t have to push yourself to like it, you know.  And you don’t have to deny yourself what your body is asking for just because your brain needs a break,” Hyungwon replied.  “It’s okay to say no to some things but still be okay with others… and everyone here is going to respect your wishes.  Any group that tries to court you that _doesn’t_ respect what you want isn’t worth your time.”

Changkyun couldn’t help the soft smile that spread across his lips through the tears.  “Thank you, _hyung_ …”

“So… nest, or bunk?” Hyungwon asked softly.

“Could… would it make you uncomfortable to stay with me tonight?” Changkyun asked, looking up slightly at the older man.

Hyungwon smiled, shaking his head.  “Cuddles I can do.  In fact, I _like_ to cuddle… it’s just all of the sexual stuff that sometimes comes afterwards that I’m not all that into,” the beta replied.  “So nest?”

“Nest,” Changkyun replied, letting the older man guide him towards the room he’d been sleeping in for almost two weeks.  He smiled slightly, before hesitating in the doorway as he saw Minhyuk and Hyunwoo already in the space.  The group’s eldest alpha and omega were already asleep, cuddled up on one side of the nest.  There was still plenty of space for Hyungwon and Changkyun to join them, but something held Changkyun back.

“Hey… if you’re not comfortable, we can always go steal Hyunwoo- _hyung_ ’s bunk for the night,” Hyungwon commented.  “I don’t think either of us wants to try and cuddle on a top bunk, and he won’t mind.”

Changkyun took a deep breath, nodding slightly.  “Yeah… I think that would be better,” Changkyun replied.  While Changkyun wasn’t afraid of the older two, he wasn’t sure that he was comfortable potentially being alone with the two of them at that moment.

It didn’t take Hyungwon long to get them both settled into Hyunwoo’s bed, with Changkyun tucked between the beta’s body and the wall and his head on Hyungwon’s chest.

“Thank you, _hyung_ … for everything.”  Changkyun felt himself relaxing in the other man’s arms as Hyungwon gently stroked his hair.

“Any time, Changkyun- _ah_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm posting two chapters in two days to make up for how long it took to post chapter 16; I was out of town for about three weeks, and for various reasons I wasn't able to write much or post at all while I was gone. But I'm home now - AND I'M SEEING MONSTA X IN TWO DAYS.
> 
> Now to go work on making hearts for Hyungwon, since our poor turtle won't be able to perform on Sunday...


	18. Progress

“You look a lot better than you did the last time I saw you,” the psychologist commented, as Changkyun settled into the couch across from the woman.  “How are you feeling?”

“I’m still pretty tired,” Changkyun admitted, pulling his feet up so that he could sit cross-legged on the couch.  “But it’s getting better… I’ve gained back a couple of pounds from my heat, and the physical therapist finally cleared me to go back to dance practices.”

“So you’ve started dancing again?” the woman asked.

Changkyun shook his head.  “I was cleared yesterday afternoon, but our manager insisted that we wait until after this appointment… at some point, one of the doctors mentioned the possibility of an eating disorder and I think it has the company worried.  He’s probably going to ask you if you think it’s okay for me to go back already.”

The woman nodded, making notes on what he was saying.  “But you haven’t been diagnosed with an eating disorder…”

Changkyun shook his head.  “No.  They’re being overly careful.  Which I can understand… it would be a huge scandal if it came out that they knew something was wrong and didn’t handle it appropriately.  And I haven’t exactly made things easy for them…”

“What do you mean?” the woman asked.

“I’ve caused so many problems already… and then I didn’t listen to reason or let any of the _hyungs_ help me during my heat, to the point that I made myself really sick.  It was stupid of me…”

“You can’t blame yourself for things beyond your control,” the psychologist reminded him, shutting off Changkyun’s train of thought.  “When you panicked, you weren’t in control of your actions.  And you didn’t regain that control until your heat ended because of the effects of not having your needs met.”

“It’s hard to not blame myself,” Changkyun replied, looking down at his lap.  “If I hadn’t pushed myself too far… if I’d taken more time to think about what I really wanted and or had just let them convince me that they could take care of me without going too far…”

“Changkyun- _ssi_ … what’s done is done,” the psychologist replied.  “Focusing on how you could have changed your reactions to avoid this isn’t going to help you.  What’s important now is to think about _why_ you reacted the way you did, so that we can address the cause of the problem and help you figure out better ways of coping with this type of situation for the future.”

Changkyun nodded, closing his eyes for a moment.  The woman’s words made sense; he couldn’t change what had happened in the past, and Changkyun knew that they needed to focus on things they _could_ fix.  “Okay.”

“Do you think you can talk about what led you to that point?”

Changkyun took a deep breath, nodding in response to the woman’s question.  “Sex freaks me out,” Changkyun replied.  “Before my heat, I never _wanted_ to have sex.  With anyone.  And the one time I’d even seen anything related to sex, it scared me so much that I couldn’t even stick around for the whole thing…”

The psychologist looked surprised.  “That’s a lot of insight to gain so quickly…”

“I’ve had a lot of time to think about it,” Changkyun replied.  “And Hyungwon- _hyung_ said some things when I got home from the hospital last week… and it sort of made sense…”

“What kinds of things?”

“He said that it’s okay - to not want to go that far, and to be okay with some things but not others,” Changkyun replied.  “It helped to hear it from someone who I know won’t judge me for not wanting to have sex…”

“You’re starting to trust him,” the woman commented.

“Hyungwon- _hyung_ told me that he’s asexual,” he replied.  “It isn’t as big of a deal for him, because he’s a beta and he doesn’t have his brain fighting with his hormones… but it’s easier to accept that I’m not weird or crazy when I know that someone else understands what’s going on.”

His psychologist smiled, nodding in response to his comment.  “That’s good… having a support system is important when you’re dealing with mental health issues.”

Changkyun nodded, taking a deep breath and smiling.  “It’s been easier to deal with some of the intrusive thoughts… it’s still hard, but it helps to know that I have someone who I can talk to if I need help getting my head back on straight.  That was something I was struggling with, before Hyungwon- _hyung_ and I talked that night.”

“It sounds like you’re beginning to make a lot of progress in your recovery,” the psychologist replied, scribbling something in her notebook.  “How is your relationship with the other members of the group, besides Hyungwon- _ssi_?”

“It’s harder with some of the others…” Changkyun began, looking down at his lap.  “The alphas have been keeping their distance… I think they’re afraid of setting off a mental breakdown.  And Minhyuk- _hyung_ acts like I’m fragile most of the time.  I hope it will get better once I’m back in dance rehearsals, too, but I’m really not sure how everything is going to go…”  Changkyun trailed off, unsure of what else to say.

“How does their behavior affect you?”

Changkyun bit his lip for a moment before he responded.  “It’s kind of frustrating… I want to be able to talk to them, but I’m afraid that they’ll misunderstand what I’m saying and that it’ll get worse…” he began.  “Hyungwon- _hyung_ says that they’ll accept me as I am, and that it isn’t a big deal.  But… the idea of having to sit down and talk to them all makes me anxious.  I don’t want them to be upset with me…”

“Why do you think they would be upset with you?”

“I don’t know…” Changkyun replied, shaking his head.  “It isn’t logical to think that… and Hyungwon- _hyung_ keeps telling me that it’s okay, and that they’ll be okay with whatever I’m comfortable with if I’ll just explain it to them.  But the idea of having to talk to all of them makes me feel anxious…”

“What about it makes you anxious?”

“I’m afraid they’ll reject me…” Changkyun began, letting his eyes close.  “I tried to talk about it with Byunghwa- _hyung_ \- after everything that happened the one time I witnessed his heat.  But he didn’t understand… and eventually I just stopped trying, because it didn’t matter how I tried to explain it.”

“It can be difficult for some people to understand things that are outside of their own experiences.  Especially when those experiences are different than what most people are used to,” the psychologist replied.  “I think it might be good for you to have that conversation with the others, besides Hyungwon- _ssi_.  It may be uncomfortable in that moment, but it sounds as though the other members of your group will be accepting of your feelings.  And the more you talk about it with people you can trust, the easier it will be to address it when the time comes for you to join a pack.”

Changkyun took a deep breath, nodding slowly.  “I can try…”

“That’s all I’m asking you to do,” the woman replied.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that it's so short... but I started writing this and it sort of took a turn midway through that I hadn't expected!
> 
> So, concert - it was AMAZING. We ended up handing out over 300 hearts for Hyungwon (pretty sure I will never forget how to spell his name in Hangeul after that...). I was in the mezzanine, so pretty far away, but the view was so good and we were having so much fun the whole time. Cobb isn't huge, but it got SO FREAKING LOUD in there, even before the boys showed up on stage.
> 
> I ended up not getting many videos or photos (I have blood pressure problems, and I nearly passed out a couple of times from trying to keep my hands up in the air for too long), but what I did get is AWESOME. I did not expect the audio quality to be as good as it was, but you can actually hear the boys really well!
> 
> So yeah, it was amazing and I'm even more in love with Monsta X now than I was before the show (even though I had no idea that was even possible!).


	19. Jooheon

Changkyun was breathing heavily as they finished yet another run-through of their debut song, his shirt soaked in sweat as the music cut out.  “Much better, Changkyun- _ah_ ,” the choreographer commented.  “Take five, guys… get some water, and then we’ll run ‘No Exit’ a couple of times to make sure it’s still looking good.”

Everyone else looked tired, but Changkyun was fairly certain that he was the only one who looked as if he might collapse at any moment.  “You okay, Changkyun- _ah_?”  Changkyun looked up as he felt a hand on his back, with Jooheon guiding him towards one of the benches on the far side of the room.  He was too out of breath to respond right away, but Changkyun nodded and let the older omega sit him down on the bench.

“Is everything okay?” Hyunwoo asked softly, holding out a bottle of water for Changkyun to drink from.  “Changkyun- _ah_?”

“I’m okay…” Changkyun panted, taking the bottle and taking a few sips.  “Just tired…”

“It’s your first day back… of course you’re tired,” Jooheon commented, squeezing his shoulders.

“If you’re too tired, I can talk to the choreographer to see if you can take a little bit longer of a break,” Hyunwoo added.  “You don’t need to push yourself too hard so soon…”

Changkyun nodded slowly, taking a deep breath and letting his eyes close.  “I just need a little more time…”  Changkyun was surprised to see the alpha smile, gently messing up his sweat-soaked hair.

“I’ll talk to the choreographer.  Join us when you’re ready, okay?”  Changkyun just nodded, taking a couple more sips from the bottle of water and grabbing a towel from the bag next to him to wipe the sweat from his face.  

Jooheon stayed next to him, drinking from his own bottle of water and gently massaging the back of Changkyun’s neck.  It felt good, and Changkyun leaned into the touch slightly.  “You like that, Changkyun- _ah_?”

“You’re going to put me to sleep like this, _hyung_ ,” Changkyun replied.

“Not like it would be a bad thing… if you’re tired, you should rest.”  Changkyun nodded at Jooheon’s words, knowing that the older omega was right.  “How are you doing, anyway?  I know we haven’t really talked much since you were in the hospital last week…”

“I’m okay,” Changkyun replied, taking another gulp from the bottle.

The conversation was cut short by the choreographer’s signal that it was time to get back to work.  Changkyun began to get up and follow the others back to the middle of the room, until the choreographer approached and held up a hand to stop him.  “Take a couple of minutes, okay?  We don’t want any more injuries, and you need to take care of yourself.”  Changkyun nodded, sitting back down on the bench even though he felt more than a little uneasy of how kind the man was being.

Changkyun still wasn’t used to some of the differences between his old company and Starship.  Changkyun had lost count of the number of times he’d been hit in the two years he’d been with Special K, but no one had laid a finger on him since he’d joined No.Mercy and Starship.  While some of Starship’s trainers could be harsh, Changkyun had come to realize that it wouldn’t escalate beyond words.  But what surprised him the most was how much some of the people they worked with seemed to genuinely _care_ about the group.

Eventually, Changkyun’s breathing was back to normal and despite the fact that he was tired, he finally felt ready to get back to work.  He felt a bit bad that he’d had to wait through three or four runs of the song, but the choreographer just smiled at him and nodded as he took his place in among his _hyungs_ and the music started again.

The dance rehearsal went better than Changkyun had expected it to, given the fact that he’d been out for almost a month.  Although his dancing was still far from perfect, Changkyun was at least able keep up after he’d taken a break and he could see that he’d made at least a little progress by the end of the morning.

“Right… we’ll pick up again tomorrow,” the choreographer commented.  “Don’t work too hard tonight… I know you’re going to keep practicing, but don’t overdo it.  We’ve got less than a week before we have to film and we can’t afford any more injuries right now.”  Changkyun couldn’t help noticing the way the choreographer glanced at him as he spoke, even though they all knew that it was a reference to the fact that he’d been out of rehearsals for so long.

Lunch was quiet - or at least as quiet as it could be for the group.  Changkyun focused on his own lunch, just listening to the banter and trying not to let the exhaustion take control.  “You okay?” Jooheon asked, moving closer to Changkyun towards the end of the meal.

“I’m tired,” Changkyun admitted, closing his lunch box and pushing it away.  He’d managed to finish almost all of the food, but Changkyun had found that he was still struggling somewhat with the amount of food he needed to eat to gain back the weight he’d lost.

“We have a couple of hours off this afternoon while the others meet with the vocal trainer… we can go grab an empty studio and you can take a nap while I work,” Jooheon replied softly.  “It’s not like anyone is going to begrudge you more sleep… you’ve already gotten a lot further than anyone really would have expected, given how little time you’ve been back.”  Changkyun nodded, passing his empty lunch container to Kihyun as the beta helped their manager clean everything up.  “C’mon… let’s go find a studio.”

Changkyun followed the older rapper, thankful when they were able to find an empty studio with a couch.  Jooheon moved to sit at the computer, until Changkyun reached out and grabbed the other man’s wrist.  “ _Hyung_ … can I talk to you first?” he asked softly.

As much as he was dreading having the conversation, Changkyun knew that he needed to start talking to his _hyungs_ about what was going on in his head.  And somehow, the idea of talking to Jooheon next, after Hyungwon, seemed the most logical.

“Is everything okay?” Jooheon asked, sitting down next to him.

“Yeah… but I need to talk to you about what happened during my heat…” Changkyun began.

“You don’t owe me an explanation,” Jooheon interrupted.

“I _need_ to explain it,” Changkyun replied, shaking his head.  “The psychologist said that it would help if I could start talking about it, even if it was just in small doses.”  The older rapper nodded at Changkyun’s words, putting an arm around his shoulders.  “Hyungwon- _hyung_ told me that he’s asexual… and I think I might be, too…”

Changkyun wasn’t sure what he expected, but he felt a flush of relief as Jooheon nodded, smiling at him.  “Okay.”

“Okay?” Changkyun asked softly.

“It isn’t like it’s something you can control… if you aren’t into sex, then you aren’t into sex,” Jooheon replied.  Changkyun breathed a sigh of relief, allowing himself to collapse against the older man’s shoulder.  “All that really matters is that you’re happy, Kyunnie.  It’s your body… it belongs to you, not to any of us.  We aren’t going to touch you or do anything that you aren’t okay with.”

The tears that began weren’t expected, but Changkyun didn’t try to stop them as they began to fall.  “Thank you, _hyung_ …”

“You’re crying…” Jooheon began.

“In relief,” Changkyun replied.  “I was so scared that you were all going to hate me again…”

Jooheon sighed.  “We never hated _you_ , Changkyun- _ah_.  We hated the situation we were all being put in… we just fucked up in how we dealt with our anger, and we put it on you even though we all knew that you weren’t at fault,” Jooheon explained.  Changkyun nodded; he trusted Jooheon enough to know that the man was telling him the truth.  “You should try to take a nap… you’re supposed to be our _maknae_ , but you don’t look so cute with big dark circles under your eyes.”  Changkyun couldn’t help chuckling slightly at the older man’s comments.

“Yah… you’re better at being cute than I am,” he replied, letting his eyes close as he leaned against the older man.  “Maybe you should have been the _maknae_ …”

“Nah… I think you’ll be better at it than me,” Jooheon replied, stroking Changkyun’s hair with one hand.  It felt good, and Changkyun didn’t want it to stop.  The older omega’s honey scent filled his nostrils.  It was relaxing, and Changkyun could feel himself starting to drift off to sleep as they sat on the couch.


	20. Recording

Changkyun was surprised to feel a hand on his shoulder as he looked over the rap lyrics he’d been working on for the last of their debut’s B-tracks.  They were spending the morning in the studio, and Changkyun had been focusing on making sure he had his rap ready before it was his turn in the booth.  It took him a moment to pull himself away from he paper, surprised to see Hyunwoo looking down at him.  “Changkyun- _ah_ … how are you doing?”

“I’m good, _hyung_ ,” he replied, smiling and motioning towards the lyrics in his hand.  “Just going over my lines…”

The alpha nodded, smiling down at him.  “Hoseok- _ah_ lost a bet, and he’s going to the coffee shop down the street for me.  Want me to make him pick up an Americano for you, too?”

Changkyun smiled, nodding.  “Thanks, _hyung_ … that sounds good.”  The alpha smiled, before turning to head back towards the younger alpha, who looked less than thrilled over having to go on a coffee run for the group.  

It was easy to get lost in the lyrics again, focusing on making sure he remembered what he was supposed to do for that particular song.  Changkyun almost missed the plastic coffee cup being placed in front of him, until he felt a hand on his shoulder again.  

“You should take a break and drink your coffee… before the ice melts,” Hyunwoo commented.  

Changkyun nodded, setting down the paper with his lyrics on it and leaning back in his chair, grabbing the plastic cup and lifting the straw to his lips.  The alpha began to walk away, but something made Changkyun call him back.  “ _Hyung_ …”  Hyunwoo turned, raising his head slightly to indicate that he’d heard Changkyun.  “Can I talk to you?  Before you go?”

Hyunwoo nodded, pulling out the chair at Changkyun’s right and sitting down.  “Yeah… what’s on your mind?”

Changkyun took a deep breath, sighing.  “It’s about my heat… about what happened…”

The alpha sat up straighter, suddenly looking much more serious than he had a moment earlier.  “Okay…”

“I talked to Hyungwon- _hyung_ … he told me about being asexual…” Changkyun began.

Hyunwoo nodded.  “I know… he came to me a while ago about it.  As long as he’s happy as a part of our pack, I don’t really think it’s a problem…”

“I don’t think it’s a problem…” Changkyun began, shaking his head.  “It isn’t anything like that.  I just… I think it makes a lot of sense.”

Changkyun looked down at the table, taking a sip from his cup.  “What do you mean?” Hyunwoo asked softly.  Changkyun could see the alpha’s hand moving towards him, but stopping on the table a few inches away - almost as if he was afraid that touching Changkyun would send the younger omega over the edge again.

“I never really thought about sex before my heat… and even when I was in heat, it wasn’t… a lot of it still felt just… wrong…”  Changkyun closed his eyes, sighing.  “I don’t know how to explain it…”

“It’s okay, Changkyun- _ah_.  You don’t have to explain… I think I get what you’re trying to say,” Hyunwoo replied.  There was a brief moment of silence, as Changkyun sipped on his coffee while he waited to see what his _hyung_ would say.  “Does it make you uncomfortable - the idea of being courted?”

Changkyun thought for a moment, before shaking his head.  “I’m still an omega.  I still need to be around people who care about me.  And I do believe that you all care about me…” Changkyun replied.  He glanced up at the alpha, biting his bottom lip for a moment.  “Is that… are you okay with the fact that I’m not going to want to have sex, even if I go into heat again?”

Hyunwoo smiled, leaning in and finally moving his hand to take Changkyun’s and squeeze it in a comforting gesture.  “If that’s what you want, then that’s what we’ll do,” Hyunwoo replied.  “It’s your right to say no if you’re uncomfortable with something.  Anyone that cares about you will feel the same way.  You know that, right?”

“I know,” Changkyun replied, nodding.

“Hyunwoo- _ssi_ … it’s your turn!”  

Changkyun watched as the alpha nodded quickly in the direction the producer had called from, before squeezing his hand one more time and standing up.  “Duty calls… finish your coffee, Changkyun- _ah_.”

“Yes, _hyung_.”

The cold coffee was good, and it didn’t take Changkyun long to finish off the entire cup.  “ _Yah_ … did you really finish that already?!” Hoseok asked, as the group’s younger alpha walked up to the table.  “Too much coffee isn’t good for you, you know… it’ll stunt your growth.”

Changkyun couldn’t help laughing slightly at the older man’s comment on his coffee habit.  “It’s a little late for that, _hyung_ … I’m pretty sure I’m done growing already,” he replied.  The alpha smiled slightly, sitting in the chair that Hyunwoo had only recently vacated and leaning back to watch as Changkyun picked up the paper with his lyrics on it and tried to study it again.

“Changkyun- _ah_ … are you afraid of alphas?”

The question surprised him, and Changkyun found himself watching the older man for a moment with a confused look on his face.  “I don’t know what you mean…”

“I’m not great with words… but I want to understand what’s going on,” Hoseok replied, leaning forward to rest his elbows against the table.  “Jooheon- _ah_ said you talked to him the other day…”

Changkyun nodded, putting the paper down.  “What did he tell you?” Changkyun asked softly.

Hoseok shook his head. “No… no, he didn’t tell me anything about what you told him…” the alpha replied.  Changkyun watched as he sighed.  “I’m not good at this kind of thing…”

“ _Hyung_ …” Changkyun interrupted.  “If you want to ask me something, just do it.”

The alpha sighed, closing his eyes for a moment.  “I’m not trying to ask you questions about what’s going on… but I want you to know that I’m here if you ever want to talk,” the alpha replied.  

Changkyun smiled, nodding.  “I know, _hyung_ …”  Changkyun bit his lip for a moment, before looking up at the older man.  “I’m making a much bigger deal out of everything than it really should be, honestly… and I know that it’s ridiculous.  But it’s still not easy to talk about it…”

“You can take your time, Changkyun- _ah_.  I’m not going to rush you,” Hoseok replied.

“I know that,” Changkyun replied, nodding.  “I _need_ to tell the people I trust what’s going on.”  Changkyun was silent for a moment, building up the nerve to actually tell the older man what was going on.  “It started with a conversation with Hyungwon- _hyung_ … or at least, that was when I started to figure out what was going on.”

“Okay…” Hoseok began.  Changkyun could see that the alpha was a bit confused, but he didn’t seem to want to push Changkyun to say anything else.

“I’m still freaked out by sex, _hyung_ … and I don’t think it’s going to get any better,” Changkyun finally admitted.  “I think I might be asexual…”

Hoseok was silent for a moment, nodding and clearly deep in thought about what Changkyun had said.  “So… are you claiming the label?  Or are you still unsure?” Hoseok asked softly.

“I don’t know,” Changkyun replied, shrugging.  “It feels right… but at the same time, I know that there were things I _wanted_ to do when I was in heat.  And I was willing to try a lot more than I was really comfortable with…”

“Doesn’t matter,” Hoseok replied, shaking his head.  “All that matters is that you’re comfortable with whatever you choose to call yourself.  If it feels right, you should claim it.  Even if it’s just in private, with us… if that word rings true for you, then it’s okay to use it.  Especially if it helps you set limits with the rest of us.”

Changkyun smiled at the man’s words, nodding at the alpha’s attempt to reassure him that it was okay.  “Thanks, _hyung_ ,” he replied, nodding.

“Changkyun- _ah_ … you’re up!”


	21. Minhyuk

Changkyun collapsed onto the couch next to Minhyuk, leaning against the older man and closing his eyes.  “You tired, Changkyun- _ah_?” Minhyuk asked softly.  Changkyun nodded, cuddling a little closer as the older man wrapped an arm around his shoulders.  “You’re going to sleep on me?”

“That’s the plan…” Changkyun replied, as Minhyuk reached up and began to stroke his hair.  “Mmm… are you going to keep doing that?  Because you really will put me to sleep if you keep this up, _hyung_.”

“That’s okay.”  Minhyuk continued stroking his hair, cuddling Changkyun just a little bit closer.  “Sleep until dinner’s ready… I don’t mind cuddling with you.”

Changkyun wasn’t totally asleep when he felt someone else joining them on the couch, cuddling against his other side.  “ _Yah_ … it’s not fair for you to get all of the _maknae_ cuddles, _hyung_ ,” Jooheon commented.

“I’m just glad he’s okay with being close to me… I was worried, after everything that happened…” Minhyuk began.

“He hasn’t talked to you yet?” Jooheon asked.  Changkyun shifted slightly, curling a little closer to the elder omega.

“He’s talked to you about it?”  Changkyun could hear the hurt in Minhyuk’s voice at the idea that he’d confided in Jooheon first.

“Don’t let it upset you, _hyung_ … Changkyun- _ah_ ’s still working through a lot of stuff.  But he’s going to talk to you about everything…” Jooheon assured.  Changkyun could feel the rapper reaching over him to touch the elder omega.  “Just do me a favor, okay?  When he talks to you, don’t make a big deal out of it.  Be supportive, but stay calm so that you don’t stress him out.”

“Is it really that big of a deal?” Minhyuk asked softly.

“To him, it is…”

Changkyun could hear Minhyuk sigh.  “What did they do to him to fuck up his head so badly?”

“I don’t think that his parents did it on purpose… I mean, he still talks to them and they seem to have a good relationship.  I think they probably just didn’t understand…” Jooheon replied.  “He said that his mom’s a beta, and his dad’s an alpha… and there were a lot of misconceptions about how sub genders worked when they were growing up.  They don’t know what it’s like for us omegas…”

“I wish there was something I could do to help him…” Minhyuk commented.

“Just be there for him, _hyung_ … he just needs us to all be supportive.  He’ll figure things out if we just give him time…”

“ _Yah_ … how did you get so smart, Jooheonie?”

“I’ve always been smart… you just never noticed before,” Jooheon replied.

“Jooheon- _ah_ … will you set up the table for dinner?”  

Changkyun blinked his eyes open at the sound of Kihyun calling from the kitchen, sitting up slightly as Jooheon pulled away and started to follow the beta’s directions.  The last thing he really wanted was to make it obvious that he’d been listening to their conversation about him.

“That wasn’t much of a nap… you should put your head back down and try to rest a little longer,” Minhyuk commented, putting his hand back in Changkyun’s hair and gently scratching at his scalp.

“I know you’re worrying about me, _hyung_ … but I really am okay,” Changkyun commented, settling against the man’s side and putting his head back on Minhyuk’s shoulder.

“You know that you can talk to me, right?  Whatever you need to talk about…” Minhyuk began.  

Changkyun nodded, moving his head so that he could watch the game the older omega was playing on his iPad.  “I know, _hyung_ … it just takes me a while to work up to it,” he replied.  “I’m still working on trusting you guys to accept how messed up my brain is… I know you won’t judge me, but at the same time there’s a part of my brain that isn’t logical.  And that seems to be the part that wins out most of the time.”

The older man put the iPad down, lifting Changkyun off his shoulder and turning them both so that Minhyuk could look him straight in the eye.  “I promise that whatever you tell me, I’m not going to judge you,” the older man replied.

Changkyun smiled, nodding.  “Thank you, _hyung_.  That means a lot,” he replied.  Changkyun took a deep breath, doing his best to fight down the urge to be sick.  “I still don’t really know why this is so hard… it shouldn’t be, because I’ve already said it a few times now…”

“What is it… are you not into the idea of sex with guys?”  It was fairly obvious that Minhyuk wasn’t being serious, which made Changkyun nervous.  He nodded slowly, looking down at his lap.  “Shit… it isn’t a bad thing, you know?  I mean, you don’t _have_ to be part of our pack… I’m sure there are other packs with female alphas that would love to have a cute male omega like you…”

“It’s not really about gender, _hyung_ … it’s more of not being into sex at all…” Changkyun replied, shaking his head as he interrupted the older man.  “At least… not actually putting parts inside other parts.  It freaks me out.  I thought I could handle it when I was in heat, but it was too much too soon, and I don’t think I want to try it again…”

There was a brief moment of silence, as Changkyun watched Minhyuk try to process the new information.  “So it’s the actual act of sex that bothers you… not anything about us?” Minhyuk asked.  Changkyun nodded, biting down on his bottom lip as he watched his _hyung_ start putting things together in his head.  “Does that make you asexual?  Like Hyungwon- _ah_?”

Changkyun shrugged slightly.  “I guess… Hyungwon- _hyung_ sort of suggested it, and it makes more sense than anything other explanation I’ve been able to come up with,” Changkyun replied.  “I’ve been using that word, because it makes it easier to explain.  But I don’t know if I really fit the definition…”

“Who gives a fuck about definitions?” Minhyuk asked softly.  “They’re just words… what matters is that you feel comfortable letting us know what’s okay and what’s off limits.”  Changkyun nodded, breathing a deep sigh of relief.  “So… how is this going to work when you go into heat again?”

“For now, I’m not,” Changkyun replied, shaking his head.  “The psychiatrist I’ve been working with said that it would be better if I just stayed on heat suppressants, at least until I’ve been able to figure out a way to handle the fact that my subgender and my sexual orientation are at odds with one another…”

“But they aren’t good for you in the long term…” Minhyuk began.  

Changkyun smiled slightly at the obvious note of concern in the older man’s voice.  “Which is why I’m still going to see the psychologist every week, and the psychiatrist every few months until things are sorted out in my head.  I know it isn’t a permanent solution, but it’ll keep me from having to fight with myself until I’m ready to deal with it.”

Minhyuk nodded, smiling.  “Okay,” the older man replied, leaning back on the couch and motioning for Changkyun to lean against his shoulder again.  The younger omega complied, thankful that there were no more questions that he needed to answer.  “I’m guessing cuddling is okay, then?”

“I like cuddling,” Changkyun replied, curling a bit closer to the older man.  “Do we really have to talk about limits right now, though?  I just want to sit here and enjoy being close to you.”

Changkyun could feel Minhyuk chuckling.  “Okay… it’s not like we’re going to do anything right now, anyway.  But let me know if I make you uncomfortable, okay?  I don’t want ever be the reason you’re upset…”

“I’ll let you know, _hyung_.  But thank you.  For everything.”


	22. Kihyun

It was strangely freeing to know that most of his _hyungs_ knew what was going on; Changkyun found it easier to initiate hugs and other forms of skinship, and much of the tension he’d been holding in for so long seemed to go away.  Still, he had yet to talk to Kihyun and he didn’t really know exactly how the older man was going to react.

The sound of Kihyun’s alarm going off woke Changkyun up almost immediately, even though it was coming from a different room.  He’d always been a light sleeper, and the alarm was just obnoxious enough to pull Changkyun back into consciousness as long as he wasn’t too deeply asleep.  Changkyun sat up slowly, trying to avoid moving the bunks too much for fear of waking up Minhyuk as he climbed down to join Kihyun in the kitchen.  The first thing the man did every morning was make breakfast for the group, and Changkyun knew from experience that it would be the best time to get Kihyun alone and talk to him.

“Hyunwoo- _hyung_ isn’t in the bathroom yet… you might have a chance to beat him,” Kihyun commented as Changkyun made his way into the kitchen, moving to start the coffee maker for the beta as Kihyun got out the supplies he would need for their breakfast.

“I’m fine…” Changkyun began, once the machine was running.  “Besides, I wanted to talk to you.”

The beta stopped what he was doing, turning to look at Changkyun with concern evident on his face.  “Is everything okay, Changkyun- _ah_?”

Changkyun nodded.  “Everything’s fine.  I just… we need to talk about what happened when I was in heat…” Changkyun replied.

“You don’t owe me any kind of explanation,” Kihyun interrupted, shaking his head as he went back to working on breakfast.

“I want to explain,” Changkyun replied, leaning against the kitchen counter a few feet away from the older man.  “It’s just a reason why I’m not okay with sex…”

Kihyun stopped what he was doing, turning to face Changkyun with an eyebrow raised.  “Okay… I’m listening.”

Changkyun took a deep breath, sighing.  “I think I’m asexual…”

The beta breathed a sigh of relief.  “Oh, thank God…”

“What?” Changkyun asked, confused at the older man’s response.

“I’m sorry… I just really thought you were about to unload something way heavier on me,” Kihyun replied, shaking his head.  “Don’t scare me like that, Changkyun- _ah_.”

Changkyun shook his head.  “I didn’t mean to scare you… what did you think I was going to say, _hyung_?”

Kihyun sighed.  “After what you told us about Special K… when you said that you wanted to explain, I thought you were going to tell me about more abuse.  That your managers there had done something worse than just hitting you…”

The realization of what Kihyun was implying hit Changkyun, hard.  “No… no, I swear, nothing like that has ever happened,” Changkyun replied, shaking his head.  “No one has ever laid a hand on me like that… I’ve never really been interested in sex, until I went into heat.  And it felt good, but at some point the part of my brain that’s freaked out by sex took control again and I panicked…”

Changkyun was surprised when the beta moved closer, putting a hand on his shoulder.  “But you’re okay, right?  It’s not still bothering you, is it?” Kihyun asked softly.

“I’ll be okay,” Changkyun responded, nodding.  “I’m working with the doctors to make sure that I’m okay before I go into heat again… that I can handle it without panicking.  It’s hard because the logical part of my brain is fighting with the hormones, and I’m not really sure what’s going to win out in the end…”

There was a moment of silence as Kihyun processed what he’d said, nodding slightly.  “Is there anything we can do to help you right now?  Anything that will make it easier for you?”

“Just… treat me like you would any other omega you would try to court.  I’ll stop things if it goes too far… but don’t be afraid to just act as if everything is normal, even though you know that it isn’t,” Changkyun replied.  “As long as I take the suppressants and keep going through the therapy process, I’ll be okay.  It’s going to take some time for me to get it all figured out, but it isn’t like I’m going to be this fucked up forever…”

“You aren’t fucked, up, Changkyun- _ah_ …”  Changkyun was surprised to feel a pair of arms wrapping around his waist from behind, with a head being rested on his chin.  It took him a moment to process the honey scent that assured him that both the voice and arms belonged to Jooheon.  “You’re just confused… but you’re going to get this all sorted out and be okay.”

“ _Yah_ … Jooheon- _ah_ , give the _maknae_ some space!  It’s even too early for _me_ to turn into a human koala, and you know how much I love to cuddle…”  Changkyun couldn’t help laughing at Minhyuk’s comment as the older omega entered the kitchen.  “Is there coffee yet?”

“Get your coffee, and then all of you get out of my kitchen unless you want to starve,” Kihyun commented, smirking slightly as he went back to working on breakfast.  All three omegas were quick to follow instructions, getting themselves cups of coffee and heading out to the living room so that they wouldn’t get in trouble with the beta.

Changkyun took his coffee cup into the room the three of them shared, starting to get ready for the day as he sipped on his coffee.  “Any idea what we have to do today?” Changkyun asked, as Minhyuk followed him into the room.

“Dance, then interview training, and then rehearsals and fittings for our first video and our first few stages…”

“Already?” Changkyun asked, turning back to the older man in surprise.  They were still almost a month out from their first performance, and Changkyun couldn’t help wondering whether or not the people in charge had really thought about just how much weight he’d lost.  “I still haven’t gained back all of the weight I lost…”

“It’s just initial measurements… and I’m sure they’ll be taking that into account,” Minhyuk replied.  “Don’t worry too much, Changkyun- _ah_ …I’m sure that they’re all thinking about everything.  Besides, we have to film the music video soon and I’m sure it’s going to take some time for them to get everything perfect for that…”

Changkyun nodded, quickly changing into his dance clothes for that morning before grabbing his coffee to finish it off while he waited for breakfast to be ready.  While he couldn’t help feeling a little uneasy about the idea of having to be fitted for costumes so early, when he was still a good bit below his usual weight, Changkyun knew that he would have to just smile and pretend that the idea didn’t bother him.  Still, the worry about how much weight he’d lost was a nagging reminder of just how much Changkyun’s heat had negatively affected him and the rest of the group.

“You’re thinking too much again…”  Changkyun looked up at the sound of Jooheon’s voice, surprised to see that the other omega had already figured him out that well.  “What’s stressing you out?”

Changkyun sighed, smiling at the older man and shaking his head.  “Just getting too far into my head again.  Worrying about the fittings this afternoon…”

“What’s got you so worried?”

“What do you think, _hyung_?  I still haven’t gained back the weight I lost, and we aren’t going to wear some of these clothes for weeks…” Changkyun began.

Jooheon just smiled, shaking his head.  “It’s not like you’re that far off from it… and everyone _knows_ what you’ve been through.  It isn’t a secret,” the older omega replied, reaching out to put his arm around Changkyun’s shoulders.  “Just relax, okay?  You’re doing really well.  Don’t let yourself get back to the bad place you were in just a couple of weeks ago over something that you have no control over.”


	23. Debut

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right... double update today because I decided that my goal was to finish off this story today! Here we go, y'all...

Backstage was a flurry of activity, and Changkyun couldn’t help feeling like his head was spinning as he tried to take it all in.  They had arrived early for the show, so that they could get ready and then go around to introduce themselves to their _sunbaes_ as was customary along with all of the other things that needed to be done in order to be ready for the filming.  While it was exciting, Changkyun couldn’t help feeling nervous about being around so many new people who would know almost instantly that he was an unmated omega.

They had gone through most of the groups, politely chatting with everyone for a few moments and passing on copies of _Trespass_ for their _sunbaes_ to listen if the wanted to.  A couple of the groups seemed interested in talking to them, and particularly in Changkyun, but they didn’t have much time given the sheer number of groups that they had to talk to and the VCR that had to be recorded to show prior to their performance.

Finally, they were at the last dressing room they needed to visit, introducing themselves to Big Bang.  It was probably the visit Changkyun was most nervous about, given who they are about to meet.  Big Bang were legends, and even having their _sunbaes_ remember their names would be a huge accomplishment.

Changkyun was thankful that the introduction itself had been scripted out for them in advance, and he wasn’t really expected to do anything beyond their typical group introduction.  He just had to smile and pretend that he wasn’t shaking in his boots in the presence of the likes of G-Dragon and T.O.P.  Everything was going well, with the older group smiling at their introduction and accepting the offered CD with a promise that they would listen to it.

But things began to go off script after that, when Daesung decided to talk to them beyond what was expected as the four other members went back to what they needed to accomplish before they had their rehearsal.  “I watched your reality show… I’m looking forward to seeing your live stage today,” the older man commented, smiling at them before turning specifically to look at Changkyun.  He felt like a deer caught in the headlights.  “I noticed you aren’t part of the pack, I.M- _ssi_.  I hope you’ve all worked out the problems from the show?”  

Changkyun knew that the question was a loaded one, whether Daesung meant it as such or not.  He knew that it looked strange that he wasn’t a member of the pack, especially around people who could tell that he’d presented as an omega already.  But luckily, Minhyuk was quick to answer for him when Changkyun didn’t immediately respond.  “Changkyun- _ah_ didn’t present until after the show ended and we’d formed the pack, _sunbaenim_.”

“We’ve chosen not to rush him in choosing a pack,” Hyunwoo added.  “It’s his decision to make, and while we are courting Changkyun- _ah_ we respect his right to choose the pack that he feels most comfortable with.”

There was a brief moment of silence as Daesung seemed to watch Changkyun carefully to determine whether or not it was the truth, before he finally smiled.  “I’m glad.  Too many groups feel pressured to be a pack as well… it’s better for everyone if each person has the right to choose for themselves.  And don’t feel rushed to choose, I.M- _ssi_ … the right pack will be willing to wait for you to make a decision.”

“ _Yah_ … Daesung- _ah_!  It’s time for our rehearsal…”  Changkyun looked up as T.O.P approached the group again.  “I’m sorry, but we have to go.  It was nice to meet all of you… I hope this one didn’t confuse you with too much advice all at once.”

“It was nice to meet you all too, _sunbaenim_.  Fighting!” Hyunwoo replied, smiling and bowing to the older man as a signal for the rest of the group to do the same before they were all ushered out of Big Bang’s dressing room.

Changkyun was still a little flustered by the time they made it back to their own room, where he sat down on in a chair next to Minhyuk.  “ _Yah_!  Daesung- _sunbaenim_ knew your name without even having to ask… can you believe it?”

“Did that really just happen, _hyung_?  Did I really just get singled out by a member of Big Bang for advice?” Changkyun asked softly, before turning to the older omega who was nodding excitedly.

“I can’t believe how lucky you are… and did you hear how he commented that he was looking forward to seeing our performance?”

Everything was too much, and Changkyun could feel his stomach churning at the thought of everything that had just happened.  He’d been nervous before, but suddenly the butterflies in his stomach had increased tenfold.  “I’ll be back, _hyung_ ,” Changkyun commented, standing up quickly and hurrying out of the room towards the nearest bathroom he could find as he felt the bile beginning to rise up the back of his throat.  He didn’t want to admit that he was suddenly overwhelmed by everything that was happening to them.

Changkyun hurried into the first available stall, dropping to his knees and letting his lunch come back up into the basin.  It took a minute for his stomach to settle, and Changkyun found himself sitting in the floor for a few moments before he was finally able to force himself to his feet.  Changkyun felt a bit bad as he washed out his mouth t the sink, knowing that the stylists that had done his makeup would be upset with him for ruining their hard work.  Still, he couldn’t help that he’d gotten sick.

“Is everything okay?”  Changkyun stood up as he heard a familiar voice from behind him, realizing that he wasn’t alone for the first time.  Through the mirror, he could see BTS’s Rap Monster standing in the doorway, looking concerned.  Changkyun could tell from his scent that the older man was an alpha, and he couldn’t help feeling a little uncomfortable alone in the bathroom with the older man.  “You’re from Monsta X, right?”

“Yes, _sunbaenim…_ ”

The older man smiled at him.  “I’m sorry if I scared you… I thought I heard someone getting sick in here, and I wanted to make sure everything was okay…”

Changkyun couldn’t help blushing slightly, the discomfort of being alone with an unknown alpha turning into embarrassment instead.  “I’m sorry, _sunbaenim_ …”

“It’s your first stage today, isn’t it?”  Changkyun nodded, looking down at his feet.  “Don’t worry too much, I.M- _ssi_.  It’s normal to be nervous.  Go make sure you drink some water, and try not to overthink things too much.  I saw some of your performances on No.Mercy… just do your best, and you’ll be fine.”

Changkyun nodded, smiling up at the man.  “Thank you for your advice, _sunbaenim_.”

The elder rapper nodded, reaching out to put a hand on his shoulder, guiding him out of the bathroom.  “Now, you should go back to your dressing room.  Get some water and something to eat, so that you don’t pass out the first time you ever step on stage as an Idol.  And have fun out there… you won’t last long in this business if you don’t enjoy what you’re doing…”

“Changkyun- _ah_ … is everything okay?”  The sound of Hyunwoo’s voice caught his attention, and Changkyun watched as his _hyung_ bowed upon realizing that one of their _sunbaes_ was with him.  “I hope he didn’t disturb you, _sunbaenim_ …”

“Not at all… I was just going to make sure that he made it back to your dressing room alright… Hyunwoo- _ssi_ , right?” Rap Monster asked.  Hyunwoo bowed, nodding in response to the question.  “I’ll leave him with you, then… he got sick from nerves, so make sure he drinks plenty of water and has something to eat before you go rehearse.  It won’t do to have anyone passing out on stage for your first performance ever.”  Changkyun could feel his cheeks burning again as he was reminded of exactly how they had come to meet one another.

“We’ll be sure to take care of him, _sunbaenim_.  Thank you for your help,” Hyunwoo replied, bowing again as the elder rapper carefully  pushed Changkyun towards him.  Changkyun turned and bowed as well, as Hyunwoo put an arm around his shoulders to start back towards their dressing room.

“Thank you, _sunbaenim_.”

The elder rapper waved slightly before turning around and heading back towards the bathroom, while Hyunwoo began to steer Changkyun back towards their own dressing room.  “Are you okay, Changkyun- _ah_?”

“I’m fine… it’s just nerves,” Changkyun replied.  “I threw up before the No.Mercy final, too.  Eating more right now probably isn’t the best idea…”

“Still, Rap Monster- _sunbaenim_ is right… you need to drink some water, at the very least.  But I won’t force you to eat anything until after we perform,” Hyunwoo replied.  Changkyun simply nodded, letting the alpha guide him back to their dressing room and force a bottle of water into his hands.  “Go sit down and take it easy until time to rehearse…”

The rest of the afternoon was a bit of a blur; Changkyun barely remembered the rehearsal once it was over, and all he could really remember of their actual performance was the fact that there were fans in the audience cheering for them and that it went well.  He hardly even registered it when Hyunwoo forced a bag of chips into his hand.  He didn’t really know what was going on around him until they were in the van finally headed back to the dorm.

“ _Yah_ … you aren’t overthinking things again, are you, Changkyun- _ah_?” Jooheon asked, settling into the last row next to him.  

Changkyun smiled, shaking his head.  “It’s just all so surreal… we did it.  We debuted.”

“We did.  As a team,” Jooheon replied, wrapping an arm around Changkyun’s shoulders and squeezing him for a moment.  “Think we can talk the managers into letting us have chicken and beer for dinner to celebrate?”

Changkyun smiled.  “I think I’ll let you be the one to ask that question, _hyung_ …”

 


	24. Panic

Changkyun was exhausted; they all were.  Promoting “Trespass” was more difficult than Changkyun had expected it to be, and he could tell that his mental health was beginning to suffer as well.  Although he was doing better with talking to his _hyungs_ when things were getting bad, it was the stress of working almost non-stop that was really starting to get to him.

“You look tired…”  Changkyun looked up, smiling at Hyungwon as the beta sat down next to him in the floor of their dressing room.  They’d only just finished the last stage of their second week of promotions, and Changkyun had curled up in a corner of the room as soon as he’d finished changing out of his outfit from the performance, hiding behind his iPod and pretending to text his mom.  “How are you holding up?” Hyungwon asked, sitting down next to him so that he was pressed fairly close against Changkyun’s side without being suffocating.

“It’s harder than I thought it would be,” Changkyun admitted.  “I think it’s just because we haven’t been getting much sleep, but the anxiety isn’t great right now.”

Changkyun closed his eyes as Hyungwon wrapped an arm around his shoulders, squeezing them gently.  “You going to be okay?”

“I think so… I have an appointment in the morning, so I just have to get through tonight,” Changkyun replied.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Changkyun took deep breath, nodding.  “When we get home?  Not here.”

“Of course,” Hyungwon replied, nodding and reaching up to ruffle Changkyun’s hair slightly.  “We don’t have anything else tonight… I can ask the others to leave us alone for a while, unless you want some of them with us…”

“I don’t know… let me think about it?”

Hyungwon nodded, smiling at him.  “Sure.”

Changkyun was thankful that Hyungwon knew he was struggling, especially when the older man somehow managed to make sure that Changkyun was sat between Jooheon and himself in the van.  Being between the two was comforting, and Changkyun felt his anxiety settling slightly as he let his head rest against Jooheon’s shoulder.

It was easy to begin to doze off in the van given the lack of sleep, but Changkyun couldn’t help overhearing the conversation going on over his head.  “Do you think Changkyun- _ah_ is okay right now?” Jooheon asked softly.

“His anxiety was bad today,” Hyungwon replied, keeping his voice down so that Changkyun was fairly certain that only the two on his row knew what was going on.  “I’ve already talked to him, and we’re going to talk some more when we get home if he’s feeling up to it… but he has an appointment tomorrow on our day off, so I don’t think it’s anything we need to worry too much about.”

There was silence for a moment, before Jooheon spoke again.  “It bothers me that there isn’t anything we can do to help him.”  Changkyun could feel the older man gently stroking a hand through his hair.  “We’re only halfway through promotions, and he’s already struggling…”

“It’s just a bad day, Jooheon- _ah_ ,” Hyungwon replied.  “We’re all tired and stressed right now, because we haven’t had a single day to rest yet.  It’s just a little harder on Changkyun- _ah_ than the rest of us, because he has to deal with his mental health issues, too, and he isn’t part of the pack.  He just needs us to be there for him right now.”

Jooheon pressed a soft kiss against the top of Changkyun’s head.  “We need to bring him into the pack…”

“It’s his decision to make, Jooheon- _ah_.  We can’t push him to join us if he isn’t ready to go there.”

“I still don’t like it,” Jooheon replied.  “If it’s so hard for him to go through this without being a member of the pack, it only makes sense for him to join us.  I know that we all agreed that it was his decision to make, but it worries me that he’s struggling with all of this and we can’t really help him fully…”

Changkyun couldn’t help the feeling of guilt beginning to bubble up in his belly; the last thing he’d wanted was for Jooheon - or any of his _hyungs_ , for that matter - to be worried about him in that way.  And hearing that he was causing any of his _hyungs_ stress with his actions and lack of a decision regarding joining the pack certainly didn’t help make him feel any better.

“Jooheon- _ah_ … he’s going to be okay.  It just takes time.  He’s got a lot more on his plate than the rest of us, but Changkyun is working through all of it on his own time.  Pushing him to get better faster isn’t going to do any good - it might even make things worse,” Hyungwon replied.  The beta sounded frustrated; it was all too much, and Changkyun could feel tears beginning to well up in his eyes even though they were closed.  “Just… let me handle him when we get home, okay?  I know that you want what’s best for him, but he’s really stressed out by everything going on and it isn’t going to help if you’re adding to that right now…”

Jooheon sighed.  “I’m sorry… I just don’t like seeing him hurting,” the elder omega replied.  “I want him to be comfortable in his own skin.”

“And he’ll get there.  In his own time.”

Changkyun could feel the tears starting to slip out of his eyes, and his hands began to shake as he tried to calm down before anyone could notice that he was starting to have a panic attack in the back of the van.  But his tears were starting to soak into Jooheon’s shirt, and it didn’t take long for the elder Omega to notice what was going on.  “Changkyun- _ah_?”

Changkyun couldn’t help the soft sob that escaped from his lips as he tried to choke back the tears, burying his face in Jooheon’s shoulder again.  It was clear that both Jooheon and Hyungwon understood that something was going on, as Changkyun felt both of them trying to physically comfort him.  One of them had a hand running through his hair, while the other rubbed his back.  “Changkyun- _ah_ , are you okay?” Hyungwon asked softly.

“Is something wrong?”  Changkyun could hear Hoseok’s voice coming from the seat in front of them, but he didn’t look up.

“Changkyun- _ah_ had a bad day… I think he’s having a panic attack now…” Hyungwon replied, still gently rubbing Changkyun’s back.  “Jooheon- _ah_ and I were talking about it, thinking he was asleep, and I think we upset him…”

“ _Aish_ … Changkyun- _ah_ …” Hoseok began.  Changkyun could feel a hand on his hair, stroking it down from behind.  “Jooheon- _ah_ , swap with me?”  Changkyun instinctively tightened his grip on Jooheon’s shirt, burying his face further into the other omega’s neck.

“I don’t think that’s an option… he just went from a koala to a boa constrictor,” Jooheon replied, simultaneously tightening his own hold on Changkyun.  “I don’t think that I could get him off if I tried right now…”

“Okay… I won’t make Jooheon- _ah_ move, Changkyun- _ah_ ,” Hoseok replied.  “But can you look at me, and try to tell me what’s going on?”  It wasn’t an order, and it didn’t even have the slightest edge of an alpha’s tone on it, but Changkyun felt himself _wanting_ to do what Hoseok asked.  He pulled away from Jooheon’s neck slowly, although his tight grip on the other omega’s shirt didn’t relax at all.  Hoseok was smiling at him, reaching out to put a hand on Changkyun’s knee.  “Hey… try to breathe, okay?  We’re almost home, and then we can talk and figure out what’s going on.  But you have to keep breathing for me, okay?”

Changkyun nodded, trying to fight back the panic.  The alpha’s hand on his knee was a calming force, and Changkyun closed his eyes again.  “Do you want some ramyun when we get home?”

“That’s your comfort food, _hyung_ ,” Changkyun managed to choke out, smiling slightly.

“Then what do you want to eat?  I bet we can talk Kihyunnie into making you whatever you want, since you’re not feeling great…” Hyungwon asked.

“Kimbap?” Changkyun suggested.  It was impossible for him to keep the question out of his voice.

“Nice choice,” Jooheon replied, ruffling Changkyun’s hair slightly.  “Kihyun- _hyung_ makes really good kimbap.”


	25. Exhaustion

Changkyun collapsed onto the couch, burying his face against a pillow and sighing.  He was exhausted, even though he’d been allowed to skip the group’s dance rehearsal completely due to his appointments with his therapist and psychiatrist.  His _hyungs_ were still on the way back from the company building, meaning that Changkyun was alone for a few minutes to collect his thoughts and get himself together.

“You feeling okay, Changkyun- _ah_?”  Changkyun felt a hand on the back of his neck, gently massaging at the base of his skull as he turned his face to the side so that he could breathe.  Minhyuk’s hand was warm, and Changkyun closed his eyes as he relaxed under the elder omega’s touch.  “Tired?”

“Exhausted… I hate days when I have to double-up appointments…” Changkyun replied.  “How was dance rehearsal?”

“Pretty boring… we just worked on a couple of rough patches.  Hyunwoo- _hyung_ does want us to run a couple of things with you before bed, but I doubt he’ll ask you to do much if you’re really tired.  Especially if you make yourself look as pitiful as possible…”

“Not gonna be hard…” Changkyun replied, shifting to let his head rest against Minhyuk’s thigh.  “I’m not sure I even want to stay awake long enough to eat dinner, let alone try to dance…”

“ _Yah_ … you’re definitely going to eat dinner.  Our _maknae_ isn’t about to start skipping meals during promotions,” Kihyun commented from the kitchen.

“He’s right… you’re still a little thinner than you were when we were first announced, and you need to make sure that you eat enough to stay healthy,” Minhyuk replied, continuing to massage the back of Changkyun’s neck.  “But if you want to take a little cat nap, we can wake you up when the food is ready.  You need to take care of yourself.”

Changkyun nodded, letting himself relax again and starting to drift off to get some more rest.  He didn’t wake up until he felt someone shaking him rather roughly.  “Time to get up, Changkyun- _ah_ … food’s ready, and Kihyun- _hyung_ says that you aren’t allowed to go to bed until you’ve eaten.”  Changkyun groaned, swatting at Jooheon as the elder omega shook him.  “C’mon… you don’t want to make Kihyun- _hyung_ mad at us.”

Dinner was quiet, and Changkyun found himself fighting sleep as they ate.  “Changkyun- _ah_ … go take a shower and get in bed,” Hyunwoo finally commented, once Changkyun had nearly fallen asleep in his bowl of rice.

“Minhyuk- _hyung_ said…” Changkyun began.

“You’re too tired,” Hyunwoo interrupted.  “Go get some sleep.  We’ll run things a few times tomorrow before the music show.”

Changkyun nodded, starting to take his dishes into the kitchen before Kihyun took everything from him.  “I’ve got the dishes.  You should just go get some rest.  We’ll have plenty of time to run through things and get you caught up with the dance,” Kihyun replied.  “Are you going to be able to stay awake long enough to shower?”

“I’ll be okay,” Changkyun replied, nodding at the man as he made his way into the small bedroom to grab clean clothes.  The rest of the group was cleaning up as he made his way back through the living room and into the small bathroom.

“Hey…”  Changkyun looked up at the sound of Hoseok’s voice, surprised when the alpha put a hand on the side of his face.  “Do you want to come sleep with me tonight?  You look like you could use some cuddles…”

Changkyun nodded slowly, smiling up at the alpha.  “I’d like that… thanks.”

“Any time,” Hoseok replied.  “All you ever need to do is ask, you know.  We’re all here for you.”  Hoseok leaned in and pressed a soft kiss against Changkyun’s forehead.  “Go shower, okay?  The sooner you’re ready to go to bed, the better because we both know that Kihyun- _ah_ is _not_ easy to deal with when he’s annoyed about something.”

The shower was nice, and Changkyun found it difficult to keep his eyes open under the spray of the warm water.  He was quick to clean himself up, throwing on a hoodie and some clean boxers before heading out to put his dirty clothes in the hamper on his way to find Hoseok.  The alpha was already lounging in his bottom bunk, changed into boxers and a tee shirt.  

“How are you doing?” Hoseok asked, as the alpha made space for Changkyun in his bed.  Changkyun climbed in next to the alpha, letting Hoseok cover him with the blanket and pull him close.  Just having the alpha’s arms around him made Changkyun relax, and he could barely keep his eyes open as he moved to let his head rest against the alpha’s chest.

“I’m just really tired, _hyung_ … I want to go to sleep,” Changkyun replied.

The alpha chuckled slightly, moving a hand to rub small circles on Changkyun’s back.  “Okay, kid… get some sleep.  We’ll talk in the morning.”  Changkyun nodded, relaxing into the man’s embrace and letting himself drift off to sleep.

It was several hours later when Changkyun found himself awake in the middle of the night, unsure of what had caused him to wake up.  He was still comfortably wrapped in Hoseok’s arms, and Changkyun found the alpha’s warmth relaxing.  But it wasn’t enough for him to be able to go back to sleep, and Changkyun found himself just staring at Hoseok as the alpha slept peacefully.

Changkyun wasn’t sure how long he lay there, watching his _hyung_ snoring softly.  He’d been exhausted when he’d gone to bed, but now he was filled with a restless energy that Changkyun couldn’t explain.  It didn’t feel as though his anxiety was spiking, but at the same time Changkyun didn’t feel completely at ease.  Something about the entire situation just felt off.  

The sun eventually started to come up, and Changkyun could hear Kihyun’s phone alarm beginning go off.  The beta shifted in his upper bunk, and Changkyun closed his eyes to try and pretend that he hadn’t been awake for hours.  Changkyun felt Hoseok shift as well, pulling Changkyun a bit closer and stroking his hair.  “Changkyun- _ah_ … it’s time to wake up…”  Changkyun blinked a couple of times, looking up at the alpha who was smiling down at him.  “How did you sleep?”

“Okay,” Changkyun replied, shifting slightly so that he wasn’t quite as close to the alpha.  Hoseok’s skin was beginning to heat up, and it was making Changkyun uncomfortable.  “I should go get ready…”

“Is everything okay?”  The alpha still hadn’t let go of Changkyun, although he had loosened his grip slightly so that Changkyun could easily get out of Hoseok’s hold and stand up.

“You’re hot…”

Hoseok smirked slightly, obviously amused by Changkyun’s statement.  “What are you talking about?”

“Your skin… it feels like you’re starting to run a fever…” Changkyun replied, stepping back slightly.  

It was fairly obvious when Hoseok got what Changkyun was trying to say, and the alpha nodded.  “I’m sorry… I didn’t realize it was coming so close to my rut,” Hoseok replied, moving back again so that there was more space between the two of them.  “Don’t let it worry you, okay?  I’ll keep my distance, and I’ll make sure the others know so that they can help keep us separated until things settle down in a day or two.”  Changkyun nodded, before hurrying out of the room and going to get a change of clothes from the other room.

“Everything okay, Changkyun- _ah_?” Minhyuk asked, as the older omega sat up when Changkyun turned on the overhead light.  Changkyun nodded quickly, grabbing clean clothes and starting to hurry into the bathroom until he felt someone putting a hand on his shoulder.  “Hey… calm down, okay?  Tell me what’s going on…”

“Hoseok- _hyung_ ’s going into a rut…” Changkyun replied, looking down at his feet.  He couldn’t help the blush that spread over his cheeks at the mention of what was going on.

“Oh… he didn’t…?”

“No!” Changkyun replied, shaking his head quickly as he looked up at the other omega.  “No… he didn’t even realize…”

Minhyuk nodded, moving closer and putting a hand on Changkyun’s shoulder.  “It’s okay… let me guess, you’re freaked out by the idea of being in close proximity to an alpha going through a rut?”  Changkyun nodded, looking down at his feet and biting at his bottom lip.  He felt more than a little ridiculous, now that he thought about it realistically.  “You don’t have to be alone with Hoseok- _hyung_ … he wouldn’t do anything to hurt you, but if you’re uncomfortable with the whole situation we can make sure you aren’t alone with him…”

“What’s going on?” Jooheon asked, finally waking up enough to catch up with the fact that something had happened.  “Changkyun- _ah_?”

“Hoseok- _hyung_ is going into rut, and Changkyun- _ah_ is a little on edge about the whole idea,” Minhyuk replied, rubbing Changkyun’s back gently in an attempt at settling Changkyun down.  “Will you stay with him, Jooheon- _ah_?  I’m going to go check on Hoseok- _hyung_ and see if he needs anything, or if he’s okay right now.”

Jooheon was there with Changkyun a moment later, wrapping an arm around his shoulders.  “C’mon, Changkyun- _ah_.  Let’s go get a shower and then get some breakfast.”


	26. New Friends

“How are you doing?”  Changkyun looked up at the sound of Hyungwon’s voice, as the beta sat down next to him on a couch at the far end of their dressing room.  Everyone had been filled in on the fact that Hoseok was in a rut and it was making Changkyun uncomfortable, so the group had been doing their best to make sure that there was always someone between the two of them if at all possible.

“Nervous,” Changkyun replied, doing his best to keep himself from biting at his fingers or picking at his cuticles due to his anxiety.

“Because?” Hyungwon asked, gently prodding for more information as he put an arm around Changkyun’s shoulders.  Changkyun leaned into the touch, comforted by the beta’s presence.  “C’mon… talk to me.”

“I’m just stressed out… missing out on rehearsal yesterday didn’t really help, either,” Changkyun replied.  “I’ll be okay, _hyung_.”

Hyungwon nodded, moving his hand so that he could massage the back of Changkyun’s neck without risking messing up his hair since the stylists had already gotten Changkyun ready for the performance.  “You’ll be good.  Dance may not be your strong suit, but you’re still a lot stronger than some Idols who debuted years ago… and you always do your best.  That’s all you can do, you know?”  Changkyun nodded at the beta’s praise, smiling as Hyungwon rubbed his back again.  “Try to relax, okay?  I know you’re on edge for other reasons, too, but remember that it’s all going to be okay.  You aced the rehearsal earlier.”

“Stay with me?” Changkyun asked, not looking at the older man.

“If you think that will help, sure.  At least until I have to go let the stylist _noonas_ finish getting me ready to perform.”  Changkyun nodded, closing his eyes and trying to just relax and focus on what he needed to do when they went on stage for their performance.

Changkyun didn’t meant to fall asleep against Hyungwon’s shoulder, but he found himself being shaken awake a few minutes later by Minhyuk, who had somehow taken the beta’s place without Changkyun noticing.  “You’re going to mess up your hair and makeup if you aren’t careful, Changkyun- _ah_ …” he commented, smiling down at Changkyun.  “We have ten minutes before our call time.  Hyunwoo- _hyung_ told me to wake you up so that you won’t be rushed.”

“Is everyone else ready?” Changkyun asked, stretching a little as he sat up.  “We should go ahead to the stage, right?”

“We’re supposed to stretch in here… the other guys are stretching in the wings, but the managers and Hyunwoo- _hyung_ suggested that you might be more comfortable getting ready here, since there isn’t much space,” Minhyuk replied, standing up and pulling Changkyun to his feet.  “C’mon, _maknae_ … let’s get ready, before someone comes to hurry us up.”

Changkyun and Minhyuk arrived just in time to make it on stage for their preset positions.  The performance itself went by quickly, and with the adrenaline rush of having fans screaming for them Changkyun hardly noticed what was going on around him.  It wasn’t until the stage was finished that he came back to himself, smiling as they were rushed off into the wings and back to their dressing room to wait for the finale.

“ _Yah_ … you were amazing out there, guys!” one of their managers commented, as they all crowded back into the room.  “Take a break and get some water and something to eat.  We still have a while before you’re needed again, so take it easy and get some rest while you have some time.  Be back here thirty minutes before the finale to get your hair and makeup touched up.”

“C’mon, Changkyun- _ah_ … Chanyeol- _hyung_ invited us to come hang out with him for a while, before the finale filming,” Jooheon commented, wrapping an arm around Changkyun’s shoulders and beginning to guide him out of the dressing room, away from the group’s alphas.

“Thank you, _hyung_ ,” Changkyun replied, once they were away from the rest of the group.  It was much easier to stay calm when he wasn’t near Hoseok, given how intense the alpha’s pheromones and scent were during his rut.  While Changkyun wasn’t comfortable with alphas from other groups, either, he was much more comfortable with the idea of being around Jooheon’s friends than his own _hyungs_ under the circumstances.  “I can go find somewhere to wait for you…”

“Don’t even think about it… Chanyeol- _hyung_ really did invite me to come hang out for a while and catch up.  He knows you’re coming with me, too.  I didn’t really explain the situation, but he said he actually wanted a chance to meet you, too.”

Changkyun was surprised to hear that yet another _sunbae_ rapper knew his name and was interested in meeting him; it almost didn’t seem real, to know that these people he’d admired from a distance for the past few years wanted to know more about _him_.  “He’s probably just being nice…” Changkyun replied, shaking his head.

“He seemed pretty interested in getting to know you,” Jooheon replied.  “I don’t think you realize how interesting you are… and the fact that you’re still not a member of our pack means that a _lot_ of other people are going to want to talk to you.  I don’t know if that has anything to do with why Chanyeol- _hyung_ wanted to meet you, but you need to be prepared for the possibility of other packs asking to court you…”

Changkyun could feel his stomach churning slightly at the idea.  “I don’t know that I like that idea…” he replied quietly, turning to look down at his feet.  “I don’t want to be courted, _hyung_ … I’m not ready for any of this…”

“Hey, hey… there’s nothing that says you have to agree to being courted, Changkyun- _ah_ ,” Jooheon replied, stopping in the hallway and turning so that they were face to face.  “You have the right to say that you don’t feel comfortable with that right now, or to just outright say you don’t want to be courted by a given pack.  And if anyone gives you a hard time about that, you know that we’ll always have your back - even if you don’t end up choosing to join us.”

Changkyun nodded, taking a deep breath and letting the elder omega lead him down the hall towards the EXO dressing room.  He felt awkward as Jooheon knocked on the door, even though he knew that Chanyeol was expecting them to show up.

“Jooheon- _ah_!”  Changkyun found himself shrinking back slightly at Park Chanyeol’s enthusiastic greeting, surprised by just how _tall_ the man was in person.  “Come in, guys… Junmyeon- _hyung_ just lost a bet with Sehun- _ah_ , and he has to do thirty push-ups with someone sitting on his back…”

“ _Yah_ , we can use your friend here,” another member, Baekhyun, commented as he walked up to the door as well, reaching out to take Changkyun’s hand and lead him into the room without warning.  There was a brief moment of panic in Changkyun’s brain, before the elder man’s omega scent registered.  “He’s smaller than Junmyeon- _hyung_ , so that will make it easier…”

“Byun Baekhyun- _ah_!!  You don’t just grab people and haul them around when you haven’t even met them before!”  Baekhyun stopped at the sound of the group’s leader, Suho, chastising the omega as he approached from the far side of the room while the remaining seven members watched on with amused looks on their faces.  “Please excuse him… Baekhyun- _ah_ doesn’t think…”

“ _Hyung_!” Baekhyun interrupted.

“ _Yah_ … bite your tongue, or I’ll tell the managers not to get you any coffee later,” the elder man, an alpha, replied before turning back to Changkyun with a smile on his face.  “I’m Kim Junmyeon, or Suho, and the idiot still holding your wrist is Byun Baekhyun.  You’re I.M, right?”

Changkyun nodded, forcing a smile despite the alpha’s close proximity before Jooheon spoke up for him.  “Changkyun- _ah_ is a little shy of alphas, _sunbaenim_ … one of our alphas is in his rut right now, which is why I got him out of our dressing room…”

“ _Aish_ … I’m sorry, I.M- _ssi_ ,” Junmyeon replied, backing away slightly so that there was a bit of space between the two of them that Jooheon was quick to fill, providing a buffer that allowed Changkyun to relax slightly.  “You’re allowed to tell any of us to back off if we’re too close or touchy, okay?  It isn’t rude to ask us to back off, even if we are your _sunbaes_.”

“Thank you, Junmyeon- _sunbaenim_ ,” Changkyun replied, bowing to the older man.

“You can come over here with us, Changkyun- _ah_ ,” Baekhyun commented, motioning towards a group on one of the couches.  “Jongdae- _yah_ and I are omegas, and Yixing- _hyung_ is a beta…  and you’ll have a great view of Junmyeon- _hyung_ attempting to do the pushups he owes Sehun- _ah_.”

Changkyun let the omega guide him over to the couch, where Changkyun was almost immediately pulled down to sit on Baekhyun’s lap instead of in the empty space between the omega and his Chinese _hyung_ , who seemed more interested in something on his phone than what was going on in the dressing room around him.

“ _Yah_ … Baekhyun- _ah_ , stop being clingy with the rookie rapper,” Jongdae commented from behind Changkyun’s back.  “His _hyung_ just got done saying that he’s shy, and you’re treating him like a teddy bear… not everyone likes being cuddled to death, you know.”

“But no one said anything about him being shy around other omegas…” Baekhyun began.

“Maybe it would be better if you _asked_ him if he was okay with being your cuddle buddy rather than just assuming that he was okay with it because he’s also an omega,” Yixing finally commented, still not looking up from his phone.  “Everyone has their own preferences, and subgender doesn’t determine anything…”

“You’re okay with sitting in my lap, right, Changkyun- _ssi_?” Baekhyun asked.

“It’s okay…” Changkyun began.

“Yeah… that wasn’t at all convincing.  Let him go so that he can sit next to you, Baekhyun- _ah_ ,” Jongdae replied, prying the other omega’s arms away from Changkyun’s waist so that he was free to move over a little bit and sit between Baekhyun and Yixing - a much more comfortable position than the elder omega’s lap.  “Junmyeon- _hyung_ is right, you know… all you need to do is say it’s too much, and we’ll stop.  Or in case of this idiot, we’ll _make_ him stop.”


	27. Surprises

Hanging out in EXO’s dressing room had been surprisingly relaxing, once Changkyun had gotten used to Baekhyun - something that wasn’t that difficult, given the fact that he was pretty similar to Minhyuk in terms of personality.  The group’s alphas had given him space, and Changkyun had found himself warming up to Junmyeon, Chanyeol, and Sehun easily enough (although Kyungsoo was still rather intimidating).

It was nice to have somewhere away from Hoseok’s rut pheromones where he felt comfortable, and Changkyun almost regretted having to leave when Jooheon realized that they only had a few minutes left before they had to be back in their own dressing room to prepare for filming the finale of the show.

“You know you guys are welcome to come hang out any time.  Just text Chanyeol- _ah_ to make sure none of us are going through our ruts,” Junmyeon commented, as he walked them to the door.  “It was nice, getting to actually hang out with someone new…”

“Thank you, _sunbaenim_.  We definitely appreciate the offer,” Jooheon replied.

“And it was nice to hang out with all of you, too,” Changkyun added, smiling at the older man.  

“I hope that we’ll get to see you guys around more.”  

Changkyun couldn’t help smiling as he and Jooheon waved at the members of EXO on their way out, before heading down the hall towards their own dressing room.  It was nice, knowing that he could make friends outside of his own group.

“That was fun, right?” Jooheon asked, putting his arm around Changkyun’s shoulders as they made their way down the hall.  “Chanyeol- _hyung_ and his group members are really nice…”

“They are,” Changkyun replied, nodding.  “Thank you, _hyung_.  For everything.”

“ _Yah_ … you don’t have to thank me for anything, you know.  You needed an out, and Chanyeol- _hyung_ wanted to meet you anyway.  I was just doing what anyone who truly cared about you would do,” Jooheon replied.  Changkyun nodded, smiling as they finally made their way back into their assigned dressing room.

There wasn’t really time for Changkyun to even notice Hoseok’s rut pheromones as they were being prepared for the show’s finale, because there were so many things going on behind the scenes.  There was hair and makeup to be fixed, and then they were being ushered onto the stage to wait for the big announcement even though they all knew that they weren’t up for the win.  It was all exciting and a little crazy, something Changkyun was still trying to get used to each and every time they found themselves on stage behind the groups that were up for the win.

It didn’t last long, however, before they were being ushered off the stage and back towards their dressing room to pack up their things and get ready to move on to the next piece of their schedule.  Changkyun found himself struggling with being in the small room at that point, seemingly surrounded by the scent of Hoseok’s rut pheromones; they seemed to only be getting stronger and harder to ignore as Changkyun did his best not to react.

“Changkyun- _ah_ … come here for a second.”  Changkyun looked up at the sound of their manager calling him over to the door, surprised as the man beckoned him forward.  He was quick to head over, smiling slightly when he saw that Junmyeon and Jongdae were waiting for him just outside of the door.  “I’ll give you boys a moment.”

Changkyun couldn’t help feeling confused as the manager walked away, almost as if it was perfectly normal for the others to be hanging around outside of Monsta X’s dressing room.  “ _Sunbaenims_ … what’s going on?” Changkyun asked.

“We wanted to talk to you for a few minutes,” Junmyeon replied, smiling brightly at him.  “Packs aren’t company business… they aren’t allowed to interfere with decisions that we make about what’s best for us in terms of building a pack and a family.  We were hoping that you would be willing to allow our pack to court you?”

Changkyun paused for a moment, surprised by the man’s question.  “You guys want _me_?” Changkyun asked softly, still unsure whether or not this was some kind of prank or not.

“That was sort of the point in coming down here before our managers could hurry us out of the building,” Jongdae replied with a smile.

“You don’t have to give us an answer today, Changkyun- _ah_ … we’ll see each other a few more times before promotions end for both of our groups, and we can always give you someone’s phone number so that you can call or text if you make your decision before then…”

“I’m asexual.”  Changkyun almost didn’t even register that he’d made the confession until he saw the look of confusion on Jongdae’s face.  “I don’t… I’m not going to be able to give the pack pups in the future, or anything like that…”

There was a brief moment of silence, before Junmyeon spoke again.  “We don’t need another omega to give us pups…” he began, but the elder man’s voice trailed off as if he wasn’t fully convinced of what he was trying to say.

“I’ll understand if you want to rescind your question,” Changkyun replied, bowing to the two of them.  “I’m sorry if I disappointed you, _sunbaenims_.”

“We’re not disappointed, Changkyun- _ah_ ,” Jongdae replied, finally jumping into the conversation.  “We’re just a little surprised… that isn’t exactly the type of revelation you expect to hear from someone when you ask to court them.”

“Jongdae- _yah_ is right; we can’t speak for the whole pack, of course, but your sexuality doesn’t bother me,” Junmyeon replied, shaking his head.  “It’s just something we’ll have to talk about, if you do decide to go forward with allowing us to court you.  We all need to know your limits, so that we don’t overstep and make you uncomfortable.”

Changkyun looked up again, surprised.  “You aren’t completely turned off the idea…?”

“It isn’t like you’ve done something horrible, Changkyun- _ah_ … you can’t help this, any more than I can help the fact that I lisp,” Jongdae replied, shaking his head.  “I’m willing to try and make it work, if you are… and I’m sure everyone in the pack would agree with us on that.  They were all really excited about the idea that we might be allowed to court you…”

“This is still a lot to figure out…” Changkyun replied, letting his voice trail off.

“And you can always tell us another day, if you want to think about it some more before you answer us,” Junmyeon replied.

Changkyun nodded slowly, before looking up at them.  “Could you… would you ask the rest of your pack if they’re okay with accepting me the way I am?  Because if they aren’t, then there’s no way this will ever work…” Changkyun began.

Junmyeon nodded, smiling at him.  “We can do that… if you’d feel better, we can talk again tomorrow, once you’ve had some time to think and I’ve had a chance to talk with the rest of our pack.”

Changkyun nodded again, bowing to the older men.  “Thank you for understanding, _sunbaenims_.  I just… I don’t want to give you false hope about what might happen if I were to say yes to your request.  I can’t be someone that I’m not for you…”

“And no good pack would ever expect you to change for them,” Junmyeon replied softly, reaching out and gently placing his hand on Changkyun’s shoulder although he tried to avoid getting too close.  “Even if you choose someone else, I hope that you won’t forget that.  I think your _hyungs_ have probably told you the same, but it’s the truth.  The right pack for you will have your best interests in mind, and they will accept you for who you are…”

“Thank you, _sunbaenim_.  I’ll do my best to remember that,” Changkyun replied.

“And we’ll make sure to remind him if he starts to forget, _sunbaenim_.”  Changkyun was surprised when he felt Hyungwon walking up behind him, putting a hand on his other shoulder.  “I’m sorry to interrupt, but we need to get ready to leave… we have other schedules…”

“Of course.  We should go, too… we’ll talk to you soon, right, Changkyun- _ah_?” Junmyeon asked.  

Changkyun nodded, smiling at the older man.  “Yes, _sunbaehim_.”

“Hey… you’re allowed to call us _hyung_ , okay?  You’ve survived Baekhyunnie turning into a koala on you, which pretty much means that you’ve been unofficially adopted as our younger brother,” Jongdae replied, smiling widely at the idea.  “We’ll see you all tomorrow… _fighting_!”

Changkyun smiled at the two older men as they all bowed to one another, before letting Hyungwon guide him back into the dressing room to finish getting ready to go.


	28. Courtship

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm sorry that this has taken so long to update. NaNoWriMo distracted me more than I expected it to this year, and I completely forgot to update anything for the entire month! I won, but didn't complete my goal of hitting double this year (but I'm blaming it on being sick for two solid weeks thanks to a nasty double ear infection and trying not to miss any days of work during that time, which was probably NOT a good decision).
> 
> The good news is that I have several chapters pre-written for both of my active stories!
> 
> The bad news, however, is that I'm going to be posting them on a schedule instead of all at once, because I don't want to leave you all hanging for so long again. So I'm updating this story today, and "Safe" will be updated next Friday (December 8th). After that I'll be alternating weeks, uploading a new chapter to one of my stories each Saturday at least through the end of the year. Once we get past the holidays and I see how much time I have to write in the new year, I may adjust that schedule to be a bit more often. I just don't want to pressure myself to get content out over the next month or so, when I have to get through a super-busy December and the stress of January (my dad's birthday, followed immediately by administering semester exams and prepping grades for report cards).
> 
> Anyways, on to the chapter!

Changkyun felt awkward as they walked through the back halls of the television station.  He’d thought about Junmyeon and Jongdae’s comments from the previous day all night, and he was still struggling with how he was going to respond if they came to him saying that they were still open to the idea of courting him.  Even talking to Hyungwon hadn’t been much help, because the beta had simply smiled at him and told him that it was his decision whether or not he wanted to be courted.

Getting ready for the performance quickly took over Changkyun’s thoughts once they were actually in their dressing room; that was more important than figuring out an answer for EXO, when he had a feeling that _if_ they were still interested they would likely be willing to wait a little longer for his answer.  But eventually, the rut pheromones coming from the other end of the room became too much, and Changkyun found himself needing to just _get out_.

“Everything okay, Changkyun- _ah_?” Hyunwoo asked, as Changkyun approached him despite the fact that the pack leader had been on the other side of Hoseok, having his makeup done.

“I just need to step out for a few minutes, _hyung_ … I’m just going to go down the hall a little bit…” Changkyun began.

The alpha raised an eyebrow.  “Are you okay?”

“It’s just a little too much right now… I just need some air,” Changkyun replied.

Hyunwoo nodded.  “Okay… just don’t go too far, alright?  We don’t have a lot of time before we have to go to rehearsal.”

“Yes, _hyung_ ,” Changkyun replied, nodding and hurrying out of the room to just get away from the overwhelming scent of rut.

The hallway was definitely a better place to be at that moment, even though the number of scents mixing together out there was still somewhat confusing.  About five or ten minutes after he’d first escaped the dressing room, Changkyun felt a hand gently grabbing his shoulder.  It took him a moment to place the obviously omega scent, but soon enough he recognized it as Baekhyun.  “Are you okay, Changkyun- _ah_?” the elder omega asked, coming around so that they were face to face.  “Where’s the rest of your group?”

“The dressing room… I just needed some clear air for a few minutes,” Changkyun replied, smiling at the older man.  “Thank you for asking, _sunbaenim_.”

“ _Yah_ … you should be calling me _hyung_ , seriously.  I thought we were friends after yesterday…”

Changkyun smiled slightly at the older man’s comment.  “I’d like to be friends, _hyung_.”

Baekhyun smiled back at him, moving a little closer.  “So Junmyeon- _hyung_ and Jongdae- _yah_ told the rest of us what you said yesterday… and I volunteered to be today’s messenger, because I wanted to ask you something…”. Changkyun couldn’t keep the smile on his face at Baekhyun’s comment.  “It isn’t anything serious… and it isn’t going to change our decision on asking you if we can court you.  But before we go any further, I need to know how much cuddling and hugs you’re okay with because I don’t want to do anything to upset you or make you uncomfortable…”

“I’m okay with hugging and cuddling… I wouldn’t survive living with Minhyuk- _hyung_ if I wasn’t,” Changkyun replied, smiling at the older man.

“Good… because I _really_ love to give hugs,” Baekhyun replied, throwing his arm around Changkyun’s shoulders.  “So… now onto the task I was _actually_ supposed to complete when I was sent to find you.  We all talked about it, and we’re okay with continuing the courting process if you are… we can figure things out as we go, and you can always tell us if you’re uncomfortable with something.  The last thing we want to do is make you uncomfortable with anything that we’re saying or doing…”

Changkyun wasn’t sure what to say; his brain was still trying to process the fact that none of the members of EXO had a problem with him not being comfortable with the idea of sex.  “No one minds?”

“I mean… we don’t really fully know or understand what it means, but we’re willing to learn and give this a chance,” Baekhyun replied.  “You’re cute, and we like you.  As long as you’re okay with courting, then we’re still interested.”

“So… what exactly does courting involve?” Changkyun asked, smiling at the elder omega.  While he still didn’t completely _know_ that he wanted to be courted, Changkyun did feel comfortable enough with Baekyun to at least ask more questions of the older man.

“You’re saying yes?” Baekhyun asked, clearly excited by the prospect.

“I want to know more… but I’m not saying no,” Changkyun replied.  “I just… I don’t want to say no to something that might be good for me, and I’m willing to give it a try,” Changkyun replied, smiling at the older man.

“Okay… well, we have to take it to our companies so that we can set up times to get together.  It’s a little more complicated, since you’re from a different group and a completely different company, but there are ways to work around that as long as we’re keeping the companies in the loop,” Baekhyun replied.

Changkyun was confused.  “But… I thought that the companies weren’t supposed to interfere in pack business…” he began.

“They can’t force groups to create a pack, or refuse to allow anyone to join the pack they feel most comfortable with,” Baekhyun explained.  “Honestly, it’s better to be honest with the companies because eventually, a decision will have to be made.  And if you _do_ decide to join a pack from a different company, then there are other arrangements that have to be made because your company can’t force you to live away from your pack.”

“So… it’s just in case we decide that I should join the pack?” Changkyun asked.

“Right.  No one is going to be expecting anything just because you agree to being courted,” Baekhyun replied.  “If you agree, we’ll spend time together and you’ll get to know all of us better, so that we can figure out whether or not it’s really something that might work…”

Changkyun nodded, taking a deep breath before he said anything.  “Okay.”

“Okay?” Baekhyun asked, raising an eyebrow.  Changkyun nodded again.  “So… you’re saying yes?”

“I’m willing to try it… the worst that can happen is that it doesn’t work out, right?”

“Exactly,” Baekyun replied, smiling back at him.  “The rest of the pack is going to be so excited that you’ve decided to let us court you… they were all really worried that you were going to say no, even after we talked about it and agreed that we were all okay with proceeding.”

“Really?” Changkyun asked.  He was honestly surprised that the members of EXO had actually been concerned about whether or not he would agree to be courted.

“Chanyeol- _ah_ asked Jooheon- _ah_ about what was going on,” Baekhyun replied.  “He didn’t give a lot of details, but it was enough for us to know that there was a good chance you wouldn’t want to be courted.  And we really don’t want you to be uncomfortable or feel pressured…”  Changkyun nodded, thankful that everyone seemed to be trying to look out for him.  It certainly made him feel a bit better about having agreed to being courted, knowing that everyone was so worried about making sure that this was what he actually wanted.

“I just… I sort of assumed that _you_ wouldn’t want _me_ , at least not once you all knew that I wasn’t normal…” Changkyun replied.

“Normal is overrated,” Baekhyun replied, shrugging.  “Besides, it isn’t like you’d be alone in not really being into the sexual side of things.  Yixing- _hyung_ doesn’t call himself asexual, but he also doesn’t really participate in most of the stuff that happens with heats and ruts… though he’s definitely always down to cuddle and stuff like that when he’s close to someone.”

Changkyun was surprised by the admission; he’d thought it was strange enough that there were two asexual members in his own group, but to find out that a member of EXO was also somewhere closer to the asexual end of the spectrum definitely made him second guess what he’d thought about his own sexuality.  “Is it really that common…?”

Baekhyun shrugged.  “Not many people really talk about it… I only know a couple of people besides the two of you,” the elder omega replied.  “As long as you find a pack that will accept you as you are, it’s not a big deal.  People put too much emphasis on sex… and I know that there are a lot of fans who want to know about pack dynamics and stuff like that, but it isn’t really something that you have to talk about if it makes you uncomfortable.”

Changkyun nodded, taking a deep breath.  “Thank you, _hyung_ ,” he replied.  “I should probably get back to the dressing room… we have rehearsal soon, and I don’t want anyone to be upset with me…”

“Of course,” Baekhyun replied, before pulling him in for a hug.  “One of us will come find you later, so that you can come hang out with us for a little while and we can try to figure out what comes next.  We’re sort of new to the whole idea of courting someone from outside of our own group, so we want to make sure we do things properly and talk things through with you before any of us has a chance to screw things up.”

“Okay.”

“ _Yah_ … Changkyun- _ah_ , it’s time to go rehearse!”  Changkyun looked up at the sound of Minhyuk’s voice coming from down the hall, watching as his group member’s smile dropped for just a moment at the sight of him hugging a member of EXO before Minhyuk seemed to remember himself.  “I’m sorry, _sunbaenim_ , but I need to steal our _maknae_ for a little while… we can’t keep the production crew waiting.”

“Don’t worry about it… I was just about to send him back to you all before you showed up,” Baekhyun replied, smiling brightly.  “I’ll see you later, right, Changkyun- _ah_?”

“Right, _hyung_ ,” Changkyun replied, waving a little as the other man left him alone with Minhyuk.

“What’s going on, Changkyun- _ah_?” Minhyuk asked, once Baekhyun was out of earshot and they were heading down the hall towards the stage.

“I… Baekhyun- _hyung_ came to talk to me about something Junmyeon- _hyung_ asked me yesterday,” Changkyun replied.  “They wanted to know if the could court me…”

“Courting?  _EXO_ is courting you?” Minhyuk asked, obviously surprised.  “They know… right?”

Changkyun nodded.  “That was what Baekhyun- _hyung_ came to talk to me about.  I told them yesterday that I needed to know that everyone in their pack was okay with moving forward, knowing that I’m asexual.  It doesn’t bother any of them… so I agreed.”

Minhyuk smiled, throwing an arm around Changkyun’s shoulders and pulling him into a hug.  “You do realize that this means we’re going to have to seriously start _actually_ courting you soon, right?  Because seriously, we like having you around now that we really know you and I think we’d all be upset if we didn’t try to keep you around…”

“Just… it’s not going to be weird, right?  Like, do things really have to change much, just because I’m being courted?” Changkyun asked.

“We aren’t going to force you to be something you aren’t, if that’s what you’re asking,” Minhyuk replied.  “Now hurry up, before we get yelled at for stalling things!”

 


	29. Heavy Conversation

Changkyun felt strange, standing outside of the door of another group’s dorm.  It wasn’t exactly a normal thing to do; Idols rarely visited each other at home, from what he’d been told.  But Jongdae had gotten in touch with the managers and worked it out for Changkyun to spend his day off with the EXO pack.  The manager had shown up fairly early to pick him up, and had given him a phone so that he could call when he was ready to go home if he decided not to wait for the manager to come back for him.

“Changkyun- _ah_!  You’re here!”  Changkyun smiled as he was pulled into the other group’s dorm by an overly excited Baekhyun.  “How did you sleep?  Is there anything you want to do today?”

“Baekhyun- _ah_ … shut up and let the poor kid catch his breath,” Yixing commented, approaching the entryway where Changkyun was trying to take off his shoes to leave them among the messy pile of shoes there.  “He’s been looking forward to this all night… I’m not even sure that he slept…”

“I slept… but I also had coffee…” Baekhyun admitted.

“That makes sense…” Jongdae commented, as he shuffled past all of them with a cup of coffee of his own.  Changkyun found himself being ushered into the main part of the dorm once he’d put on a pair of slippers that someone had put out specifically for him to use while he was visiting.  “If you haven’t had breakfast, there’s plenty of food in the kitchen.  Baekhyun- _ah_ can show you where everything is…”

“I’m fine,” Changkyun replied.  “Kihyun- _hyung_ made sure I got breakfast before I left this morning.”

“Your group members take good care of you?” Baekhyun asked.  

Changkyun nodded, smiling at the older man.  “Things have changed a lot since No.Mercy… we got to know each other, and we trust each other,” Changkyun replied.  “They’re good people.  Hyunwoo- _hyung_ is even insisting that I should get to know other packs, because he wants me to be sure I’m making the right choice when I choose a pack.”

“That’s good,” Yixing replied, as the three of them made their way into the kitchen despite the fact that Changkyun had already eaten.  “Some groups aren’t as open-minded about allowing their newly-presented members to explore having relationships with other groups or packs.  We’ve been turned down by other people we’ve been interested in because they felt pressure from the other members of their group to stick with whatever pack or packs they have within their group.”

“You’ve tried to court other people?” Changkyun asked.

“Not since Yifan- _hyung_ and Luhan- _hyung_ left,” Baekhyun replied.  “We needed some time to figure out how our pack would work without them when they went back to China, because they had to reject the pack, too.  We know why they needed to leave… but it’s still painful, and we all needed to figure out how to deal with that.  I’m sure you can understand…”

Changkyun shook his head slowly.  “I grew up without a pack… my parents didn’t realize that I was an omega, so they never really bothered to find another pack after we left for my father’s job,” Changkyun explained.  “Packs and courting… all of this is still new to me.”

“ _Aish_ … so you really have no idea what you’re doing with all of this, do you?” Baekhyun asked.  Changkyun shook his head as the older omega took a deep breath.  “So you don’t really understand any of this, do you?”

“I’ve learned a lot about it since I officially presented… and some of the people I trained with before Starship tried to teach me as much as possible…”

“Well, if you have any other questions, you know that you can always ask us, too,” Baekhyun replied.  “We’ve been a pack for a while… and while I’m sure your _hyungs_ in Monsta X are going to do what they can to help you, they’re still a relatively new pack.  We may have a different perspective on things, because we’ve been a pack for a few years and we’ve gone through a lot of stuff together…”

Changkyun nodded, as Baekhyun guided him into a chair at the table in the group’s kitchen.  “So… is everyone in EXO in the pack?”

“Jongin- _ah_ isn’t… he’d already bonded with Taemin- _ah_ and SHINee before EXO began,” Baekhyun replied.  “He has a room here with us, and he’s here most of the time when we’re promoting.  But he’s a member of their pack, and he’s pretty much always there when he doesn’t need to be here for the sake of group activities.”

“But we are still close with him, and he’ll be around while we’re courting you because that’s normal for our pack,” Minseok commented, as he came into the kitchen.  “Probably not today, because he’s been with us for the past two weeks and he’s missing his pack.  But you’ll probably want to get to know him, too, before you make your final decision…”

Changkyun nodded, taking it all in.  “So it wouldn’t be weird for me to have a bed in the Monsta X dorm, even if I choose a different pack?”

“Not at all… it’s totally normal for Idols who aren’t in the same pack as their group members,” Yixing replied.

“It’s harder for omegas to be separated from their pack during promotions, but there are ways to deal with that without it really affecting your job,” Baekhyun replied.  “We all go home to visit our families at times, and we usually end up taking something that someone we’re close with in the pack has scent marked.  Plus we talk on the phone a lot when we do get to go home, so that we don’t lose out on our connection…”

“A good pack will do everything they can to support you, even when you can’t necessarily be together,” Minseok added.  “When we have to be apart, we always make sure that our omegas have what they need to be comfortable and healthy… being separated from your pack can be really negative, although I’m sure you know that better than any of us do.  There are ways to avoid that, at least in the short-term.”

“Are we really having heavy conversations over breakfast?” Chanyeol asked, as the elder rapper walked into the room.  “Please tell me you haven’t legit started the heavy conversations when Changkyun- _ah_ is here on his _first_ visit?”

“He has questions, and we’re answering them,” Baekhyun replied.  “It’s important to make sure he feels safe with us, and we need to make sure he understands what he’d be getting into if he does decide to join our pack.”

“It doesn’t have to all happen in one day, you know… it isn’t like Changkyun- _ah_ has to make a decision right away,” Chanyeol replied.

“But we’re Idols, so we don’t have the time in our schedules to do the whole, ‘we like you so we’re going to spend months making sure we can make this work’ thing.  As much as it sucks, we _need_ to get to the details, at least to some extent, sooner rather than later,” Minseok replied.

“Minseok- _hyung_ is right,” Junmyeon commented, as he joined them in the kitchen to get a cup of coffee as well.  “I’d love to take our time, but our timeline is going to have to be rushed somewhat if we actually want to have a chance at being Changkyun- _ah_ ’s choice.”

Changkyun bit down on his bottom lip, a little uncomfortable at the way the group members were disagreeing with one another.  Baekhyun seemed to sense that he was uncomfortable with what was going on, and the elder omega was quick to guide him out of the room silently as the others continued to talk about everything.  “Are you okay, Changkyun- _ah_?”

“It’s just all a little much…” Changkyun began, shaking his head.  “I’m still a little confused by everything… I didn’t really expect anyone to want to court me.  Not even my _hyungs_ \- at least not at first.  But now I have both of you courting me at the same time, and I still don’t even fully understand what it all _means_ …”  Changkyun could feel his hands shaking as he tried to fight back the feeling of panic that was starting to take over.

Baekhyun was clearly extremely attuned to what was going on with Changkyun’s emotions, as the other omega guided him away from everyone else and into a small bedroom down the hall.  “Come on… sit down, okay?  Let’s calm you down, and then we can figure out what we want to do today.  Does that sound good?”  Changkyun nodded, letting the older man take his hands.  “Okay.  Just take a deep breath, and focus on my voice, okay?  You’re safe, and you’re going to be okay.  I’m not going to leave you alone.  Do you believe me?”

Changkyun nodded slowly, doing his best to focus on Baekyun’s voice and his own breathing.  “You’re doing really well right now… you’re okay.”

“I… I’m sorry…” Changkyun replied, shaking his head and closing his eyes.  “I’m working on the panic attacks…”

“It’s okay… it isn’t like you can help the panic attacks,” Baekhyun commented, moving a hand onto Changkyun’s back and rubbing it in small circles.  “How long have you been having the panic attacks?”

Changkyun shrugged, shaking his head.  “I’ve had the anxiety all my life, because of the pack thing… it’s always been there.  But the panic attacks really just got bad after No.Mercy…” Changkyun replied.  “When they formed a pack… something in my head just sort of switched, and it got worse…”

“ _Aish_ … why didn’t they do something sooner?” Baekhyun asked.

“They didn’t know,” Changkyun replied, shaking his head.  “I didn’t present for a few months after everything happened… they knew about the panic attacks and anxiety issues, but _I_ didn’t even know I was an omega yet…”

Baekhyun nodded, letting his hand move up to gently massage the back of Changkyun’s neck.  “I’m sorry… it sounds like you’ve been struggling a lot lately…”  Changkyun nodded.  “But you’re getting help, and that’s what’s most important.  Your _hyungs_ care about you a lot, and so does your company.  That’s a big deal… if our company cared more, we might still have twelve members instead of ten.”

Changkyun raised an eyebrow.  “What do you mean?”

“I’m only telling you this because I don’t know if anyone else will ever feel comfortable talking about it… especially not Yixing- _hyung_ , because he’s still dealing with all of this more than anyone else,” Baekhyun replied.  “The others… they left because the company wasn’t taking care of them properly.  Yifan- _hyung_ was really sick for a while, and Luhan- _hyung_ wasn’t doing much better, but they weren’t able to get the rest they needed.  Everyone in EXO-M was being pushed past their limits… even Minseok- _hyung_ and Jongdae- _yah_ were exhausted and sick all the time because they could never get the rest they needed, and they were treated better than the others.  It got to be too much for them, and even though we were trying to help we just couldn’t take the stress off of them enough to make it work…”

“You miss them,” Changkyun replied.  It wasn’t a question; Changkyun could tell from the way Baekhyun talked about the members who’d left that things still likely weren’t as resolved as they all wanted to pretend they were.

“I don’t think I’ll ever _stop_ missing them,” Baekhyun admitted.  “I know that the pack bond is gone… they both rejected the pack right after they left, so that we wouldn’t have to hurt over losing them for an extended period of time.  But it still hurt a lot more than we expected it to.”

Changkyun nodded at the older man’s words, taking it all in.  “You aren’t afraid that something like that might happen again?  Yixing- _ssi_ and Zitao- _ssi_ are both Chinese, too…”

“It’s something we’re all worried about,” Baekhyun admitted.  “Yixing- _hyung_ has said over and over again that he doesn’t want to leave EXO… but we don’t know for sure what will happen in the future.  If things don’t change - if the company doesn’t start taking care of them the way they should have taken care of Yifan- _hyung_ and Luhan- _hyung_ \- I wouldn’t blame either of them for leaving us.”


	30. Figure Things Out

Changkyun was exhausted by the time he made his way back into the Monsta X dorm that night; it had been a much more emotional day than Changkyun had expected, between the panic attack and his heart to heart with Baekhyun about what had been happening within the EXO pack.  To top it off, he’d had another emotional conversation with Junmyeon shortly before he’d left for the night about his anxiety and everything that was going through his head.

“You look tired, Kyunnie,” Hoseok commented, from his spot on the couch.  The others were all missing, although Changkyun could see that the lights were on in the kitchen and both bedrooms.  “How was your day with EXO?”

“Interesting,” Changkyun replied, moving to sit next to the Alpha.  His rut had ended the previous day, making it much easier for Changkyun to interact with him without the fear that had been inherent while Hoseok’s pheromones had been heightened.  “There are a lot of things I found out that I didn’t know.”

Hoseok gave him a curious look.  “What do you mean?”

“They lost two members of their pack last year… Baekhyun- _hyung_ told me a little about what happened, so that I would understand their pack better,” Changkyun replied.  “And I talked with Junmyeon- _hyung_ about the anxiety, and about where we go from here.  I like them, and I enjoy hanging out with them.  But I’m still not completely sure if I belong with them, when it would be so much easier to join the Monsta X pack…”

“Easy doesn’t necessarily mean right,” Hoseok replied, wrapping an arm around Changkyun’s shoulders.  “We’ll do everything we can to make it work, whether you choose us or them.  You’re still going to be our _maknae_ , and we’re still going to care about you.”

Changkyun nodded at the man’s words.  “Thank you, _hyung_.”  The alpha’s words honestly did help Changkyun feel a bit more at ease with everything that was going on and everything he needed to think about.  “My head is still pretty messed up… both with the mental health stuff, and with the whole idea of having to choose a pack now.  I don’t have a good idea of who I really want to be with, or even what I’m supposed to be looking for in a pack.  I just… I don’t know how I can choose, when so far the only thing I know that I want is to be accepted and you’re both offering me that chance through this.”

“You don’t have to make a choice immediately… you have time to figure these things out,” Hoseok replied.  “We’re willing to wait until you’re ready to make a choice, and I would hope that they are as well.  You still need to work on who you are and what you want.”

“Thank you, _hyung_ ,” Changkyun replied, letting his eyes close against the older man’s shoulder.

“ _Yah_ … you should get in bed if you’re that tired.  They fed you dinner before you left, didn’t they?” Hoseok asked.  Changkyun nodded, humming slightly to indicate that the man was correct in his assumption.  “Then go sleep… we’re going to have a long day tomorrow, and you shouldn’t let yourself get too tired.”

“I just want to stay here…” Changkyun replied.  “You’re warm, _hyung_.”

The alpha chuckled slightly at Changkyun’s words.  “You’re ridiculous, you brat,” the man replied, although Changkyun could tell from his tone of voice that he was only teasing.  “I’m not going to sleep on the couch, you know.  You’re going to have to get up eventually.”

“But I can take a nap here, and that’s all I really care about right now,” Changkyun replied with a smile.  The alpha chuckled slightly, before pulling Changkyun a little bit closer and letting him shift into a more comfortable position.

“You’re going to let him sleep on you?”  Hyungwon’s question held a tone of surprise to it, but Changkyun didn’t really respond.  He was too comfortable, and too close to actually falling asleep to worry too much about whether or not his _hyungs_ were talking about him.

“He’s comfortable, I’m comfortable… it doesn’t really matter all that much,” Hoseok replied.  “Besides, a nap won’t hurt him; he’s kind of exhausted from his visit to EXO…”

“Did you talk to him about it?” Hyungwon asked.

“He told me a little bit about what they talked about,” Hoseok admitted.  “I’m not going to push him to tell us, though… it’s his business, not ours.  EXO- _sunbaenims_ seem like good people, and Jooheon- _ah_ and Changkyun- _ah_ trust them, so I’m not worrying about it.”

“But we’re courting him, too…” Hyungwon began.

“And as much as I want Changkyun- _ah_ to choose us over them, Hyunwoo- _hyung_ was right when we formed the pack.  What we want isn’t important.  What Changkyun- _ah_ wants is the only thing that really matters in this situation.  And he seems to be doing a good job of taking his time and trying to make sure that he knows what he wants before he chooses.”

Changkyun could hear Hyungwon’s audible sigh.  “I just… I worry about him.  I know that he told EXO about being asexual, but knowing and understanding aren’t the same thing.  He needs to be safe and accepted…” Hyungwon began.

“I don’t think Changkyun- _ah_ would let himself stay in the courtship if he didn’t feel comfortable with the members of EXO,” Hoseok replied.  “He did say that he had an anxiety attack while he was there, but he seems okay now and he told me that he’d discussed everything with Junmyeon- _sunbaenim_.  I really don’t think that you have to worry about him right now, Hyungwon- _ah_.  He’s doing okay.”  Changkyun felt the alpha gently stroking a hand through his hair as he spoke, helping Changkyun relax further in his arms.  “Try not to stress out about it, okay?  He’s a smart kid, and he’ll make the right decision when the time comes.”

The living room was quiet for a while after the conversation between Hyungwon and Hoseok, and Changkyun found it easy to drift off to sleep with the alpha continuing to stroke his hair and massage his scalp gently.

“Do you want me to get him?”  Changkyun was nearly asleep when he heard Hyunwoo’s question, although he was too tired to force his eyes open.

“I’m okay for now… he hasn’t been asleep that long,” Hoseok replied, pausing for a moment.  “I am going to need your help putting him to bed if he doesn’t wake up in a little while, but he’s sleeping so peacefully right now I don’t want to move him…”

“Any idea why he’s so tired?” Hyunwoo asked.

“He said he’d had an anxiety attack… plus there was apparently some pretty heavy conversation that happened while he was with EXO today,” Hoseok replied.  “He didn’t seem upset… just tired.”

Changkyun felt the elder alpha stroking a hand through his hair.  “As long as he’s okay, that’s all that matters.”

“We’re going to have to start seriously talking about courting him, you know… just because EXO asked first doesn’t mean they’ll be the only ones who will start asking,” Hoseok replied.  “I’ve seen some other groups taking notice of him backstage.  It may be nothing, but I don’t think the others will be happy if we don’t at least _try_ to court him, too.”

“I know,” Hyunwoo replied.  “I didn’t want to rush him… I know that he wasn’t exactly thinking of courting when EXO asked.  The last thing that I think any of us want is to push Changkyun to do something that he might not be comfortable with.  But you’re right - we need to start seriously talking to him about what he wants and how he wants to move forward with us, too.”

Changkyun couldn’t help the annoyed noise that came from him as Hoseok shifted their position, moving Changkyun so that he was laying down a bit more than he had been before.  It was more comfortable, but at the same time Changkyun wasn’t that thrilled with the move.  “He seems to be warming up to the idea of courting… although he did say that he’s confused about what he wants in a pack, because we’re both offering him the one thing he knows he’s looking for.”

“As long as he knows he can choose us in the long run, I’m okay with waiting for him to figure things out,” Hyunwoo replied.


	31. Exhaustion

Changkyun was exhausted by the time they left the stage; it had been a rough night, and Changkyun hadn’t gotten much sleep thanks to a series of disturbing dreams that he hadn’t been able to break himself out of until the early hours of the morning.  While he loved performing, it had been difficult enough for him to get the energy required to finish their stage without collapsing and all he wanted to do was sleep now that they were finished performing.

“You look exhausted…” Jooheon commented softly, guiding him into their small dressing room so that Changkyun wouldn’t accidentally walk into a wall or something like that.  He had run into a door frame on their way to the stage, so it wasn’t all that difficult to believe that he would do the same thing again.  Changkyun was still concerned that he was going to end up having a bruise underneath his makeup when he took it off.  “Maybe you should sleep instead of going to hang out with EXO this afternoon… I don’t think they’ll mind…”

“I think you’re right about that, _hyung_ ,” Changkyun replied.  “I just need to tell them…”

“I’ll let them know.  You should go lay down on the couch and try to get some rest before the finale,” Jooheon commented, rubbing small circles on his back.  “Get some rest, okay?  I’ll take care of letting them know that you aren’t feeling up to hanging out today.”

Changkyun nodded, moving towards the comfortable old leather couch in one corner and tucking himself into one corner, kicking off his shoes and pulling his knees up to his chest.  Minhyuk came over a moment later, before Changkyun could actually fall asleep.  “You’re going to sleep, right, Changkyun- _ah_?”

“That’s the plan,” Changkyun replied softly, not opening his eyes.  He felt the elder omega putting an arm around his shoulders, pulling him over so that he was leaning against his _hyung_ ’s shoulder.  It was much nicer than having to lean his head back against the back of the couch, and Changkyun relaxed immediately once he was leaning against the elder.

“I’ve got you, then… I’ll let you know when it’s time to wake up to get ready for the finale,” Minhyuk replied.

“Thanks, _hyung_.”

It was easy enough to fall asleep against the elder omega’s shoulder, with Minhyuk’s warmth and scent enveloping him.  There was something comforting about all of it, and Changkyun didn’t even know how long he’d slept when he felt Minhyuk gently shaking him awake.  “C’mon, Kyunnie… you need to wake up to get your hair and makeup touched up, and you should probably eat something…”

Changkyun blinked a few times, trying to figure out where he was and what he was supposed to be doing.  He didn’t really feel much better after his nap, but he at least felt sure that he would make it through the finale without falling asleep on stage.  “You feeling okay, Changkyun- _ah_?”

“I’m fine, _hyung_ ,” Changkyun replied, looking up at Kihyun.  “I just feel a little out of it right now… I probably shouldn’t have slept for so long…”

“You needed to sleep.  You were about to pass out from exhaustion when we got off the stage,” Minhyuk replied.  “He didn’t sleep much last night…”

Kihyun instantly looked concerned, and Changkyun sighed as the beta put a hand on his forehead.  “I’m not sick, _hyung_ … I just had some really bad nightmares, and I had a hard time going back to sleep afterwards.  I’ll be fine once I get some more sleep.”

“ _Yah_ … you should have told me or Hyunwoo- _hyung_.  We might have been able to do something…” Kihyun began.

“No, you wouldn’t have,” Minhyuk replied, shaking his head.  “The only thing that’s going to help him is getting some sleep, and there’s no way he would have been able to get any more than what he just got by taking a nap.  All that telling you sooner would have done is made you worry about him during the performance, which wouldn’t have done any of us any good.”

There was a moment of silence, before the beta sighed.  “If something had happened…”

“It still wouldn’t have changed the fact that you wouldn’t have been able to do anything to prevent it,” Minhyuk interrupted.  “Look… Jooheon and I were keeping an eye on him.  If there had been anything worrying going on, we would have said something to Hyunwoo- _hyung_ and the managers.  He’s just tired.  Once he can get some more sleep, he’ll be fine.”

“You’re going to bed right after dinner, okay?” Kihyun commented.  

Changkyun nodded.  “I’m fine with that… I would much rather go back to sleep right now than have to get up and go do the finale,” he replied, shaking his head and getting up so that he could get the stylists to fix his hair and touch up the makeup that was being used to cover the acne breakout that had decided to show up right in the middle of promotions.

A bag of chips was shoved into his hand before Changkyun was completely finished getting his makeup touched up, and he looked up in surprise at Hoseok.  “You haven’t eaten anything since breakfast… you need to make sure that you eat something before you make yourself sick,” the alpha commented.

“Thanks, _hyung_ ,” Changkyun replied, thankful when the stylist told him that he was done and could leave her chair.  He was quick to open the bag, eating a couple of the chips so that he wouldn’t upset the alpha, even though he wasn’t all that hungry.

“You should get something caffeinated, too… it’ll at least help you stay awake until we’re done for the day,” Hoseok added, motioning towards the small refrigerator in a corner of the room that Changkyun knew was filled with canned beverages and bottles of water.  “I think there’s still at least one coffee in there.”

“I’m afraid that if I drink coffee, I _won’t_ be able to sleep tonight,” Changkyun replied, shaking his head.  “I’ll be okay, _hyung_.  We just have to get through the finale, and then we’re done for the day.  I can survive that.”

Hoseok nodded, gently massaging the back of Changkyun’s neck for a moment.  “Okay… I’m going to trust you on this one.  But stand next to me on stage, okay?  If you start to feel like you’re going to pass out or something, let me know and I’ll help you out.”

Changkyun smiled, shaking his head.  “I’m not going to pass out… but thanks, _hyung_.”

There wasn’t much time for Changkyun to eat the bag of chips Hoseok had given him before they were called to the stage for the finale.  Changkyun did as he’d been instructed, standing close to Hoseok in the back of the crowd on stage as they waited for the day’s winners to be announced.  They weren’t up for first place - not than any of them had expected that they would be as rookies - so they were simply there to fill in the stage and cheer on the groups that were eligible to win.

They weren’t up on stage for long, and Changkyun was thankful when they were allowed to bow to the _sunbae_ group that won and head back to their dressing room to collect their things while the winners did a quick encore performance.  Changkyun stopped at the door of their dressing room when he felt a hand on his shoulder, turning back to see Jongdae watching him, clearly concerned.

“Jooheon- _ah_ said you weren’t feeling that well… Junmyeon- _hyung_ asked me to come make sure you were okay,” the omega commented.  “You look exhausted…”

“I didn’t sleep well last night,” Changkyun replied, shaking his head.  “We have a free night tonight, so it’s fine.  I’ll go home and get some sleep, and I’ll be fine tomorrow.”

Jongdae didn’t look completely convinced.  “You’re sure that’s all you need?  If there’s anything we can do…” Jongdae began.

Changkyun shook his head, smiling at the older man.  “No… I didn’t get much sleep last night, that’s all,” Changkyun replied.  “I’m not getting sick or anything like that.  And we’re nearly done with promotions… I just have to make it a few more days, and then we’ll be able to relax a little.”

“Take care of yourself, okay, Changkyun- _ah_?  We’ll message you about hanging out once your group is finished with promotions, when you aren’t quite so stressed out,” Jongdae replied, finally smiling at him.

“Thanks, _hyung_.”

“Go home and get some rest, Changkyun- _ah_.  I’ll see you again soon, okay?”

Changkyun smiled again, nodding.  “I will.  And I’m looking forward to it.”

 


	32. Sleepover

The door was opened for Changkyun almost before he’d even arrived, almost as if someone had been watching for his arrival.  “Are you that excited to see me, _hyung_?” Changkyun asked, smiling at Junmyeon as the alpha held the door open for him.

“We’re courting you, and we haven’t spent time together in over a week… I think we’re all anxious to see you and spend some time with you tonight, since we’re leaving for China the day after tomorrow,” the alpha replied, taking Changkyun’s bag from him.  “There’s apparently going to be an omega slumber party tonight in the nest, according to Baekhyun- _ah_.  But I can probably use my position as leader to put an end to that if you’re uncomfortable.”

Changkyun smiled, shaking his head.  “It’s okay… I’m good with whatever the plan is,” he replied, as the elder man lead him through the apartment until they arrived at a bedroom door Changkyun hadn’t passed through before.  “As long as there isn’t anything beyond cuddling involved, I’ll be fine.”

“Don’t worry… we had a little pack meeting to remind everyone of the boundaries before you came over.  All you have to do is say ‘no,’ and whatever’s going on will stop,” Junmyeon replied.  Changkyun nodded to indicate that he understood.  “You can leave your stuff here… Yixing- _ah_ is making dinner tonight, and it probably won’t be long before we’re ready to eat.”

“Where is everyone else?” Changkyun asked, as Junmyeon opened the door for him to drop his backpack.

“Minseok- _hyung_ is helping with dinner.  Chanyeol- _ah_ and Sehun- _ah_ are in the studio.  Jongin- _ah_ is with his pack, although he is going to come over for dinner before going back home for the night.  Kyungsoo- _yah_ went to the gym.  Zitao- _yah_ is somewhere around… he’s been pretty homesick lately, so he’s been keeping to himself a lot more than usual.  And I’m not sure where Baekhyun- _ah_ and Jongdae- _yah_ are at the moment, but I’m sure they won’t take long to appear once they find out you’re here.  I swear, I think they’re more excited about the fact that we’re courting you than anyone else… I think they’ve taken the brunt of the emotional stress from everything that’s happened in the past year or so.  It’s good for them to have someone else to talk to about all of it, even if you end up just being a close friend instead of a member of our pack.”

Changkyun nodded, understanding exactly what the alpha meant without Junmyeon having to say the words.  “I know… Baekhyun- _ah_ talked to me about a lot of what happened.  I know there are probably things he didn’t say, because it hurts too much, but he told me enough to understand that it was bad.  That it’s still bad for some of the members of the pack.”

“ _Yah_ … I swear, I think you’re probably more emotionally intelligent than some of my own pack members.  And you’re almost two years younger than our _maknae_ …” Junmyeon replied, shaking his head.  “Let’s not talk about sad stuff though, okay?  This is our chance to really get to know you, and your chance to really get to know all of us, too.”

The dorm’s living room seemed to attract all of the chaos of ten young men living together in a small space, given the fact that Baekhyun, Jongdae, and Jongin all arrived almost immediately after Junmyeon guided Changkyun into the room to sit down.  The two omegas were loud and obviously excited, while the beta Changkyun had only met a couple of times seemed more content to just watch the madness unfold after Junmyeon left to see if the beta and alpha in the kitchen needed any assistance.

“I’m starting to get the feeling that they’re always like this…” Changkyun commented softly, as the two omegas talked animatedly about something that he hadn’t quite managed to catch.

“They’ve calmed down since I first met them,” Jongin replied.  “It’s good to see them happy again… for a while, they were pretty distraught about what happened with Yifan- _hyung_ and Luhan- _hyung_.  But it does worry me that Zitao- _hyung_ still seems to be distancing himself…”

Changkyun couldn’t help being concerned by the man’s words.  “What do you mean?”

Jongin sighed, glancing around to see who else was within earshot before he replied to Changkyun’s question.  “He hasn’t always been so distant… there was always the language barrier causing issues, but he used to at least try to hang out with us and he was close with several members of the pack.  But after Luhan- _hyung_ and Yifan- _hyung_ left, he shut down.  And he’s been shutting them all out ever since…”

Changkyun nodded at the man’s explanation.  “Do you think he’ll leave, too?” he asked softly, so that the other wouldn’t hear what was being said.

“I’m not sure… he’s less likely to talk to me than anyone else, because I’m not pack,” Jongin replied, shaking his head.  “I just… we all know why Luhan- _hyung_ and Yifan- _hyung_ left.  They had good reasons for wanting out of their contracts.  And honestly, things aren’t much better for Zitao- _hyung_ and Yixing- _hyung_ now than they were before, which makes me wonder why they’re still here putting up with all of it… I don’t think that I would be able to handle the things they put up with from the company.”

Changkyun was pulled out of the conversation by Baekhyun coming to sit in his lap unexpectedly.  “ _Yah_ … what are you doing over here with Jongin- _ah_?  We want to spend more time with you…” the elder omega commented, pouting.  “I know you’re supposed to get to know Jongin- _ah_ , too, since he lives here part of the time.  But we can’t let him monopolize your time when you’re here to get to know the pack…”

“We were just talking, _hyung_ ,” Jongin replied, smiling before he stood up.  “I need to grab some stuff from my room so that I don’t forget it when I leave… I left my phone charger here the other night and had to borrow Taemin- _hyung_ ’s.”  Jongin was gone after that, leaving Changkyun with the group’s eldest omega still sitting in his lap.

Other than the conversation with Jongin, Changkyun actually really enjoyed the rest of the evening.  The members of the pack had never been anything but kind to him, and it was nice to get to spend more time with all nine of them without having the pressure of knowing that he would have to leave in a few hours.  Still, he couldn’t help but notice the fact that Zitao kept his distance, only really seeming to talk to Yixing in a hushed whisper of their native language.  It was obvious that the rest of the group was trying not to make it obvious that the beta and the younger omega weren’t really taking part in what was going on with the rest of the group.

“It’s getting late… I think I’m going to go to bed,” Minseok commented, several hours after dinner had been cleaned up and they had all moved into the living room to watch a movie and just hang out with each other.

“I should probably head out, too,” Jongin commented.  “I’m surprised I haven’t gotten a phone call from anyone in the pack asking if I’m coming home…”

“They’re probably just assuming you decided to stay,” Junmyeon replied.  “You’ll be okay on your own?”

Jongin smiled.  “It’s late… I’ll get a cab,” the beta replied.  “I’ll see you all tomorrow.”

Changkyun looked up as Chanyeol ran a hand through his hair, smiling down at him as Changkyun leaned against his chest.  Changkyun had gotten comfortable with the elder of the pack’s two alpha rappers, and he found himself easily relaxing as the elder man cuddled him.  “We should all probably turn in… we don’t have an early morning, but we could probably all use some sleep now that promotions are over.”

“Come on, Changkyun- _ah_ … omega sleepover in the nest!” Baekhyun commented, hurrying over to take him by the hands and pull him away from the alpha.  “I’ll show you where everything is…”  The eldest omega in the pack was quick to guide Changkyun into the pack’s nest.

“ _Hyung_ … is everything okay with Zitao- _ssi_?” Changkyun asked, once they were alone.  “I’ve had a chance to talk with everyone else, and I’m even starting to get comfortable with the alphas… but he’s still keeping his distance…”

Baekhyun sighed, shaking his head.  “Zitao- _yah_ isn’t in a good place right now… and it doesn’t help that his Korean still isn’t as good as Yixing- _hyung_ ’s.  He’s homesick, and I think that we’re all hoping he’ll feel better after he’s gone home for a few days…”  There was a brief moment of silence, before Baekhyun shook his head.  “Don’t let it upset you… it isn’t that he dislikes you, or that he’s not in favor of adding to our pack.  He just has some things of his own to deal with right now.”

 


	33. Bad News

Dance practice had always been exhausting, but there was something particularly difficult about getting through it when Changkyun knew that he was going to be meeting up with EXO for dinner now that they were back in Korea from their trip to China.  Changkyun had missed his _sunbaenims_ more than he’d expected; he’d grown close with most of EXO’s members, and it had been difficult to not really be able to even talk to them because they were in another country and didn’t really have much time for responding to messages.

“Changkyun- _ah_ …”  Changkyun looked up from his place on the floor at the sound of one of their manager calling him from the doorway.  “You have a phone call…”

That was unusual, and Changkyun couldn’t help feeling concerned as he got up and followed the man out into the hall, where he was handed a cell phone.  “ _Yeobosayo?_ ”

“ _Changkyun-_ ah _… it’s Junmyeon._ ”

“ _Hyung!_   How was China?”  Changkyun couldn’t help smiling at the sound of the alpha’s voice on the other end of the line, although he wasn’t really sure why he was calling when they were supposed to see each other that evening.

“ _Zitao-_ yah _didn’t come back with us.  He left the hotel without telling anyone and went home…_ ”  There was a moment of silence as the elder man’s words sank in.  “ _He’s rejecting the pack.  I’m sorry, Changkyun-_ ah _.  I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to come over tonight.  Everyone is really upset, and we need some time as a pack to sort things out._ ”

“Of course, _hyung_ ,” Changkyun replied, even though he couldn’t hide the disappointment in his voice.  “You need to take care of each other… our dinner can wait.  This is more important.”

“ _Thank you for understanding, Changkyun-_ ah _.  I’ll call you in a few days, once things have calmed down some and I know what’s going on,_ ” Junmyeon commented.

Changkyun took a deep breath, before handing the phone back to his manager.  “Everything okay?”

“I’m not having dinner with EXO tonight,” Changkyun replied, shaking his head.  “Something happened in China, and Junmyeon- _hyung_ said that they need some time to sort things out…”  Changkyun could feel his stomach churning slightly at the words, suddenly feeling sick as he tried to fight back the tears that were beginning to gather in the corners of his eyes.  Something about it all felt like a rejection - even though Changkyun knew there was a lot more to what was going on than he knew, it still felt like they were telling him that he wasn’t good enough for the pack.

“Hey… take a few minutes to go calm down, and then come back to practice when you’re ready.”  Changkyun nodded, heading towards the bathroom down the hall so that he could get control of himself again and calm down before he had to go back to his _hyungs_.

Changkyun could feel the tears starting to fall before he’d even managed to close himself in the small bathroom stall, leaning his head against the door as he tried to remind himself that this _wasn’t_ some kind of rejection by the EXO pack.  They needed space to figure out what was going on within their own pack, and they didn’t need the pressure of courting Changkyun on top of everything else they were dealing with.  Logically, it made perfect sense; but to Changkyun, who had never fully understood _why_ packs wanted to court him in the first place, it was gutting to realize that this would likely mean the end of their courtship as EXO pulled themselves back together.

“Changkyun- _ah_?”  Hyungwon’s voice was soft as he knocked on the door to the stall; Changkyun hadn’t even noticed the elder man coming into the room.  “You’ve been in here for an hour… are you okay?”  Words didn’t seem to want to come; all Changkyun could manage was a soft sob in response to Hyungwon’s question.  “Can you come out?”

Changkyun did as the beta suggested, unlocking the door and opening it slowly without looking up at the elder man.  “ _Yah_ , Changkyun- _ah_ … what’s going on?  Manager- _hyung_ told us you weren’t going to dinner with EXO tonight, and that you were upset…”

“Zitao- _ssi_ left EXO,” Changkyun whispered.  He was surprised when Hyungwon stepped forward, pulling him into a tight hug.  “He’s rejecting the pack.”

Hyungwon sighed, squeezing Changkyun a bit tighter.  “And you feel rejected, too,” Hyungwon commented softly.  Changkyun nodded slightly against the elder’s chest, closing his eyes.  “Who did you talk to?”

“Junmyeon- _hyung_ ,” Changkyun replied.

“What did he say?”

Changkyun took a deep breath, shaking his head.  “I know I’m being stupid… he said that they need time to sort things out and that he would call me in a few days,” Changkyun replied.

“ _Yah_ … you are _not_ being stupid.  You’ve gotten attached to EXO, and you were really looking forward to today, weren’t you?”  Changkyun nodded in response to the beta’s question.  “It’s okay to be upset.  But it doesn’t sound to me like the pack is rejecting you at all… it just sounds like they’re unsure of how to proceed, and they need some time to themselves before they continue courting you.”

Hyungwon’s words made sense, and Changkyun was comforted by the way the elder man rubbed his back in small circles.  “Thank you, _hyung_ …”

“Let’s go hide out in a rehearsal room for a little while… I have my iPod, and I can let the rest of the guys know that you need a little while longer,” Hyungwon suggested.  Changkyun nodded, letting the beta guide him out of the bathroom and down the hall until they found an empty vocal rehearsal room to stay in while Changkyun calmed down.

Changkyun wasn’t sure how long they sat in the room, with Changkyun curled into Hyungwon’s side as he tried to calm down.  He was thankful for the beta’s insistence that they find somewhere to sit and relax for a little while as they sat there, given the fact that he was struggling to keep his brain from jumping to the worst possible conclusions about what was going on with EXO.

“ _Yah_ … how’s he doing?”  Changkyun looked up at the sound of Minhyuk’s voice coming from the doorway.  “Changkyun- _ah_ … are you okay?”

The omega hurried over to sit on Changkyun’s other side, wrapping an arm around Changkyun’s waist before he could even answer.  “I’m calming down,” Changkyun replied, reaching up to rub away the moisture on his cheeks.  “It’s hard to fight back a panic attack once it starts…”

“He just needed some time and some space so that he can breathe,” Hyungwon added.

Minhyuk nodded, pulling Changkyun in for a tight hug.  “It’s all okay, pup… courtships aren’t easy, and it can be really confusing to figure out how it all works,” Minhyuk replied.  “I can’t magically tell you what’s going to happen, but I trust that EXO- _sunbaenims_ won’t leave you hanging.  They’ll talk to you about what’s going on.”

Changkyun nodded, taking a deep breath and doing his best to calm himself down.  “Thank you, _hyung_ ,” he replied, letting his head rest against the other man’s shoulder.

“Do you think you’re feeling up to coming back to rehearsal, or do you need a few more minutes?” Minhyuk asked.

“I just need a little more time to calm down,” Changkyun replied.

“Okay.”  Changkyun was thankful for the fact that his _hyungs_ didn’t question what was going on, but instead simply decided to give him the time and space he needed to get his head back on straight.

Changkyun wasn’t sure how long it took for his mind to stop racing and calm down enough to actually consider getting up and going back to work, but he was thankful when Hyungwon and Minhyuk simply smiled and followed him back into the rehearsal room with everyone else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I am aware that the timeline here is "wrong". I'm making some adjustments for purposes of the story - I needed Zitao's exit from EXO needed to happen sooner to keep the story's flow, and there will be some other things that happened IRL that I adjust the timing of for purposes of preventing the story from dragging.
> 
> On a totally unrelated note, MY CUTIE MAKNAE MADE THE DEBUT GROUP ON THE UNIT!!! Sorry not sorry... I'm multi-fandom, and I can't help but want to scream right now because I'm so excited that three of my five A.C.E babies won their respective rebooting shows (although I also want to hug Jun and Wow since they were eliminated). Except I can't scream IRL because I'm having pretty much the worst migraine month I've ever had and actually screaming would be bad. But yeah, I'm internally having a massive party for my favorite rookies.


	34. Loss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of y'all are about to hate me...

The conference room Changkyun had been led into was small; from what Changkyun could tell, it seemed like one that was rarely used given the fact that it certainly wouldn’t even hold all of the members of EXO comfortably, let alone any staff.  But one of the group’s managers had led him there as soon as he’d arrived at the SM building that morning at Junmyeon’s request.  He was hardly surprised that the alpha wasn’t there yet; Changkyun had been early, thanks to unusually favorable travel conditions and a desire to see _someone_ from the pack, to be sure that they were all okay.

“Changkyun- _ah_.”  The first thing that Changkyun noticed when he looked up at Junmyeon was the fact that the alpha had been crying at some point, and Changkyun couldn’t stop himself from getting up and immediately walking over to wrap the man in a hug in an attempt at comforting him.  Changkyun’s love for Junmyeon as a friend far outweighed his fear of being near an alpha at that moment; there was nothing at all scary about the elder man at that moment.  When he felt Junmyeon start to cry against his shoulder, Changkyun was even more sure that it was the right decision to embrace the man.  “I’m sorry… I said I wasn’t going to cry in front of you.”

“It’s okay, _hyung_ ,” Changkyun replied.  “You’re allowed to cry and be upset… you lost a packmate.”

Junmyeon stood up, nodding and motioning for Changkyun to sit down again before sitting in the seat next to him and taking his hand.  “I know… it’s always hard.  But this feels even worse, because we have the added stress of being in the middle of courting you when it happened and we’re all struggling with how to deal with that, too,” the alpha replied.  “We don’t want you to get hurt, Changkyun- _ah_.”

“I know that you wouldn’t do anything to hurt me, _hyung_ ,” Changkyun replied.  

“But I know that we _are_ hurting you… it isn’t fair for you to have to deal with all of our problems on top of everything else,” Junmyeon replied, shaking his head as he squeezed Changkyun’s hand gently.  “We do really like you, Changkyun- _ah_ , but we don’t feel right about continuing to court you when we know we aren’t in a position to take on another pack member right now.”

Changkyun could feel his stomach starting to tie itself in knots as he listened to what Junmyeon had to say, even though he knew that the alpha was just doing what he felt he needed to do in order to protect everyone involved.  It didn’t matter that Changkyun knew just how serious their current situation was and that they weren’t really in a position to deal with a courtship on top of everything else; it still felt as though he was being rejected.  “I understand,” Changkyun replied, as he fought back tears as well.

“Please don’t hate us for this, Changkyun- _ah_ … we never intended to lead you on…” Junmyeon began.

Changkyun shook his head quickly, immediately understanding what the alpha was thinking.  “You didn’t, _hyung_.  You were always honest with me about everything that was going on in the pack and the group.  I knew that there was something wrong with Zitao- _ssi_ , and I was warned that he might leave,” Changkyun replied.

Junmyeon sighed, nodding.  “I honestly thought that we would be able to fix things before it got this bad… we were working on convincing the company to make things better for Zitao- _yah_ and Yixing- _ah_ , because we didn’t want a repeat of what happened with Yifan- _hyung_ and Luhan- _hyung_.  Yixing- _ah_ and the omegas are devastated, but I just don’t know what to do right now…”  Changkyun didn’t know what to say or do; while he understood that Junmyeon needed to vent about what was going on with the pack, it was difficult for him to ignore the way that his own heart was breaking.  He’d become attached to the members of EXO, and Changkyun knew that this would mean the end of their spending time together.  “I’m sorry that I’m putting this all on you, Changkyun- _ah_.”

“How are Baekhyun- _hyung_ and Jongdae- _hyung_?” Changkyun asked, hoping that he could get the elder man’s attention away from him.  As hard as it was for Changkyun to not feel rejected by the alpha, he also knew that letting Junmyeon know that he was hurting so much wasn’t going to help anything.

“They’re struggling… we all are, but I know that it’s harder for the two of them,” Junmyeon replied.  “It’s always been harder on them than the rest of us.  And I honestly don’t know if they could handle it if Yixing- _ah_ decides to leave, too…”

Changkyun shook his head.  “He won’t.  He loves you all too much…”

“He deals with too much already…”  Changkyun watched as Junmyeon shook his head, reaching up to wipe away his tears.  “He pushes though even when he’s tired or sick.  Hell, we’ve had times when we’ve had to practically carry him from place to place because the company gives him painkillers just to keep him going long enough to get through performances, instead of letting him get the rest and the health care he really needs…”  Junmyeon finally looked up, sighing.  “I shouldn’t keep you… I know that you’re probably working on preparing for a comeback, and I’m sure that you don’t want to be here comforting me right now.  I really am sorry, Changkyun- _ah_.  I hope that you can forgive us…”

“There’s nothing to forgive, _hyung_ … it isn’t your fault that Zitao- _ssi_ decided not to come back from China.  I don’t even blame him, knowing what I know about how the company has treated him,” Changkyun replied, shaking his head.  “Don’t beat yourself up about this, _hyung_ … I understand.”

Junmyeon smiled sadly at him, before pulling Changkyun in for a hug.  “Whatever pack you end up choosing, they’re going to be lucky to have you,” Junmyeon replied, before letting him go.  “Don’t settle for anyone who isn’t going to love you as much as you deserve.”

Changkyun just nodded, forcing a smile for the alpha’s benefit.  “Please tell the others there are no hard feelings… I know that you all wouldn’t have started to court me if you’d known for sure that any of this was going to happen,” he replied, squeezing the man’s hand gently before he left to head back downstairs and out onto the street, hurrying to try and avoid seeing anyone else from the pack.  The last thing he wanted was to break down somewhere the members of the EXO pack - or even Jongin - might see.

Making it back to the dorm was difficult; Changkyun knew that he probably looked distressed, but he did his best to hold back the tears that had been threatening to fall from the moment he’d first heard Junmyeon say that their courtship was over.  He’d barely gotten through the door and gotten his shoes off before he’d collapsed in the floor, leaning against the wall and just letting all of the tears fall despite the fact that he knew his _hyungs_ would be worried when they saw him in that state.

Changkyun wasn’t sure how long he sat there, sobbing, before he finally ran out of tears and just sat there, too exhausted to move.  He vaguely heard the front door opening after a while, but Changkyun was still too exhausted to move.  “Changkyun- _ah_?”  Changkyun didn’t move, even as Jooheon knelt down next to him and ran a hand through his hair in an attempt at getting his attention.  “ _Aish_ … _hyung_ , something is really wrong…”

There was another person kneeling next to him a moment later, gently rubbing small circles on his back.  “Changkyun- _ah_ … look at me, pup.”  Hoseok’s voice was soft and it was obvious that the alpha was fighting to stay calm despite the fact that Changkyun likely looked like a mess.  Still, Changkyun couldn’t help wanting to do what the man was asking even though it was as far from an order as it could possibly be.  The alpha smiled slightly at him, nodding as Changkyun turned to look him in the eye.  “Hey… can you tell me what’s wrong, pup?  Why are you so upset?”

Changkyun took a deep breath, closing his eyes.  “Junmyeon- _hyung_ wanted to talk to me… they want to end the courtship, so that they can take care of themselves.  He said that they don’t want to hurt me… but it hurts so bad, _hyung_.  It feels like my heart is being ripped to pieces inside my chest…”

Hoseok nodded, his smile dropping as Changkyun spoke.  “It’s okay, pup…”

“But it’s _not_ okay,” Changkyun replied, shaking his head.  “I could see myself with them, _hyung_ … I could see myself being happy with them.”  He took a deep breath, trying to collect himself before he said anything else - anything that he might regret later.  “I know that you all care about me, too… but it felt so _right_ , _hyung_.  I was comfortable with them, and I wanted to spend time with them.  And all I can think about is the fact that _I_ wasn’t good enough.  That they couldn’t bring themselves to stay with me despite everything…”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa… did Junmyeon- _ssi_ _say_ that?” Jooheon asked.  Changkyun shook his head.  “Then why do you think that this is your fault?  You weren’t involved in any of the awful things that SM did to Zitao- _ssi_ or any of the others that left.  Nothing you could have done would have stopped this from happening… Zitao- _ssi_ left because that was what he needed to do, and nothing you could have done or said would have changed that fact.  Losing a pack member is rough on a pack, and EXO- _sunbaenims_ need time to sort themselves out before they consider taking on another member.  It won’t end well for anyone if they don’t figure things out now, without the added stress of having to think about a courtship, too.”

“I never meant to give them any stress…” Changkyun replied.

“It isn’t _you_ , Changkyun- _ah_ ,” Jooheon interrupted.  “Any courtship would be more stressful for them than they can handle right now.  Junmyeon- _ssi_ is looking out for his pack, and he’s looking out for you be giving you a way out of a situation that could turn ugly.”

Changkyun looked up, unsure of what Jooheon meant.  “How…?”

“If they don’t sort things out before they try to take someone else on, it could make members of the pack turn on the newcomer.  If things aren’t settled, members of the pack might see you as Junmyeon- _ssi_ ’s attempt at replacing Zitao- _ssi_.  And even though you and I both know that isn’t true, unless they make sure that they’re all on the same page there’s a very real possibility that it could happen.”

There was a moment of silence as Changkyun shook his head.  “I didn’t know…”

“I’ve seen it happen,” Jooheon replied.  “It’s dangerous, and I’m sure that they all know it.  If they truly care about you, then this is the right thing for them to do.  And as much as I hate to admit it, because I want you to join our pack, I do think that EXO- _sunbaenims_ truly care about you and that they would have agreed to you joining their pack if it wasn’t for this situation.”


	35. Do Something

Changkyun slumped down onto the couch, closing his eyes.  He was more exhausted than he’d even thought possible; Changkyun hadn’t really been sleeping well since everything had fallen apart, and it had started to catch up to him.

“Do you really think he’s okay?”  Changkyun heard the voice of their manager coming from just outside the door of their rehearsal room.  “Changkyun- _ah_ is starting to get thin again, and the dark circles under his eyes are getting more prominent…”

“He’s struggling,” Kihyun’s voice replied.  “I really think he was getting attached to EXO…”

“I don’t know exactly what was said, but Changkyun- _ah_ has been beating himself up about it ever since he met with Junmyeon- _ssi_ ,” Jooheon added.  “I don’t think Junmyeon _-ssi_ meant to hurt him, but I also don’t think he really understood just how badly it would affect him.”

“ _Aish_ …” the manager commented, barely loud enough for Changkyun to hear.  “Is he eating?”

“Not much…”  Changkyun could hear the hesitation in Kihyun’s voice as the beta spoke.  “We try to get him to eat, but there’s only so much that we can get him to do right now.  Minhyuk- _ah_ seems to have an easier time getting him to eat than anyone else, but even that isn’t a lot.”

Changkyun heard the manager sigh.  “This isn’t good…” the man began.  “He isn’t going to be able to keep going like this for much longer… I have to do something…”

“What are you going to do?” Kihyun asked.

“I don’t know yet.”

There was a brief moment of silence.  “Give us a few more days to try and get through to him, _hyung_ ,” Jooheon replied.  “This is hard on him… I can’t even imagine what it would be like to have a courtship end like that.  Anyone would be struggling in his position right now.”

“He has an appointment with his psychologist on Friday… I can give you guys until then.  But I’m going to have to bring it up with the doctor on Friday if things aren’t starting to get better,” the manager replied.  “Let him sleep for a little while, if he can.  We need to be careful to make sure he doesn’t get sick or hurt himself again.”

Changkyun could feel the panic starting to rise up in his chest, even as he did his best to breathe and calm himself down.  He knew that it wasn’t really something worth panicking over, and yet he still couldn’t help worrying about just how seriously his current mental state was going to affect his _hyungs_ , too.  It wasn’t fair to them that his health issues were always at the forefront of everyone’s minds.  That Changkyun’s mental health was the biggest obstacle the group faced - not the nature of the industry, or anything else that was outside of anyone’s control.  It all came down to _him_.

Changkyun rushed out of the rehearsal room a few moments later, rushing into the bathroom and locking himself into one of the stalls as he tried to hold back the loud, rattling sobs that had been building up inside his chest.  Everything felt as though it was falling apart, and Changkyun couldn’t control his emotions any more.  He collapsed to the floor in front of the door, curling his knees up to his chest as he tried to figure out how to pull himself together enough to get back to rehearsal.

“Changkyun- _ah_ …?”  Changkyun instantly recognized Hoseok’s voice from the other side of the door.  “Can you come out?”

“No…” Changkyun replied softly, shaking his head.

“Okay.  Is it okay if I stay here and talk to you while you calm down?”

Changkyun took a deep breath, trying to steady himself enough so that he could answer.  “Okay,” he replied softly, closing his eyes as he tried to calm down.

Hoseok’s voice was soft as he talked about anything he could think of, none of it important.  Just the sound of the alpha’s voice on the other side of the partition was enough of a comfort that Changkyun was able to focus on something other than the anxiety and panic that had been taking control of his brain.  Changkyun wasn’t sure how long it went on before the man stopped for a moment.  “How are you doing?” Hoseok finally asked, still keeping his voice soft.

“Tired,” Changkyun replied, forcing himself to slowly stand up and unlock the door to the bathroom stall.  Hoseok was sitting just on the other side, and the alpha was quick to jump to his feet and step to the side so that Changkyun wasn’t blocked into the cubicle.  “Thank you, _hyung_.”

“You look exhausted… do you want to go cuddle for a while?” Hoseok asked.

Changkyun shook his head.  “I don’t want to take you away from rehearsal…”

“ _Yah_ … don’t you worry about that,” Hoseok replied.  “You’re more important than rehearsal right now.  I need to be sure that you’re okay.”

“You shouldn’t have to be worrying about me like that,” Changkyun replied, shaking his head.  “None of you should have to be so worried about me… you have enough to worry about without my problems weighing all of you down, too.”

Hoseok surprised Changkyun by pulling him into a tight hug.  “You are not a burden, Changkyun- _ah_.  We care about you, and we’re still here with you because we _want_ to be with you,” Hoseok commented.  “We didn’t object to EXO courting you because we all agreed that you needed a chance to choose the pack that’s best for you, even if it isn’t with us.  But they aren’t the only ones who want you… we’re going to be here for you, even if you choose someone else in the end.  Right now, we can all see that you’re hurting, but we don’t know what we can do to help you…”

Changkyun closed his eyes, burying his face in Hoseok’s neck.  “I was ready to choose them, _hyung_ ,” Changkyun admitted.  “I don’t think I’d realized that until now… that I _wanted_ to be with them.  As much as I love you guys as friends, as my _hyungs_ , it just felt _right_ when I was with EXO.”

Hoseok took a deep breath, squeezing him a bit tighter.  “I know, Changkyun- _ah_ ,” the alpha replied.  “You’re a good omega… you’ll find that again with someone else, when the time is right.  And until you get there, you’ll have us to lean on.  We aren’t giving up on you.  We aren’t going to push you away.  You will _always_ have a place with Monsta X and with our pack, because you are part of our group.  You’re our friend.  You’re our _maknae_.  And no matter where you end up, that is _not_ going to change.”

“Thank you, _hyung_ ,” Changkyun replied.

“Come on… you look exhausted.  We’ll go find somewhere for you to lay down for a while, so that you can get some rest.”

“But rehearsals…” Changkyun began.

“Can wait.  Manager- _hyung_ said you should rest, so that you don’t get sick or injured.  You’ll catch up in plenty of time for our comeback,” Hoseok interrupted.  “You’re talented, and you work hard.  Harder than you should, sometimes.  You’ll be okay.”

Changkyun nodded, letting the alpha guide him out of the bathroom and down the hall.  He kept his face buried in the elder man’s neck, but it was clear that Hoseok was keeping everyone else away from him at that moment so that he wouldn’t be overwhelmed.  Eventually, they found themselves in one of the smaller vocal studios that had a couch.  “Lay down for a while, okay?  I’ll stay with you until you fall asleep.”  Changkyun nodded, following the alpha’s instructions and letting himself relax on the couch as Hoseok sat down on the floor next to his head.  Changkyun closed his eyes, smiling slightly as the alpha stroked a hand through his hair.  “Rest now, pup.  We’ll be here when you’re ready to talk, or whatever you need to do.”

Actually falling asleep didn’t happen for Changkyun, although he did feel better just by laying there with his eyes closed and letting Hoseok run a hand through his hair.  There was something comforting about the alpha’s presence, knowing that Hoseok cared about him and was there because he wanted to take care of Changkyun.

“How’s he doing?”  Hyunwoo’s voice was soft from the doorway, but Changkyun didn’t move.

“He had a pretty bad panic attack… I think he’s fallen asleep now,” Hoseok replied.  “ _Hyung_ … he was going to choose EXO.”

Hyunwoo sighed.  “I suspected as much… it’s no wonder he’s such a mess right now, if he’d been planning on joining their pack,” the alpha replied.  “I’m not sure how we go from here, if that’s where he was mentally before everything that happened.  It’s going to be hard to convince him that EXO isn’t the only pack that might be right for him…”

“We’re going to have to do _something_ to help him,” Hoseok replied.  “I could feel his bones through his skin when I hugged him.”

“ _Aish_ … it’s that bad already?”

“He’s not going to last like this, _hyung_ … we have to _do_ something.”


	36. Confrontation

“Changkyun- _ah_?”  Changkyun looked up at the sound of a familiar voice, surprised to see Chanyeol standing in the doorway of the small studio he’d camped out in after that morning’s dance rehearsals.  Changkyun hadn’t been expecting to see the man; he honestly hadn’t expected to see anyone from EXO any time soon given everything that had happened, so to see the alpha rapper standing there, clearly unsure of whether or not he was welcome, was a surprise.  “Can I come in?”

Changkyun nodded, moving over to the second chair so that Chanyeol could sit down next to him.  Even after everything that had happened, he still trusted Chanyeol; he trusted all of EXO, despite everything that had happened.  “What are you doing here, _hyung_?” he asked, still unsure of what had brought the elder rapper to Starship headquarters to visit him.  “Surely you have something more important to do that come talk to me…”

“ _Aish_ , Changkyun- _ah_ … ending the courtship doesn’t mean that we’ve stopped caring about you.”  Changkyun looked down at his lap, biting down on his bottom lip for a moment as the alpha sat down next to him.  “Jooheon- _ah_ called this morning.  He’s worried about you…”

“I’m okay, _hyung_ …” Changkyun began.

“That isn’t what Jooheon- _ah_ said,” Chanyeol interrupted, his voice softening.  “How much weight have you lost, pup?”

Changkyun closed his eyes.  “I’m trying, _hyung_ …”

“I never said you weren’t,” Chanyeol replied, reaching out to stroke his thumb across Changkyun’s cheek.  “You’re so thin, Changkyun- _ah_.  Jooheon- _ah_ said that your ribs were starting to stick out through your skin, and your cheeks are starting to look hollow… you don’t look healthy.”

Changkyun could feel the tears starting to sting at his eyes at the man’s words.  He’d never intended for EXO to find out just how much everything was going wrong for him.  “I never meant to worry you…”

Chanyeol sighed.  “That isn’t what this is about, Changkyun- _ah_ ,” the alpha replied.  “I’m sorry… I’m not good at this kind of thing.  But we thought that you would be more comfortable with me being the one to come talk to you…”  Changkyun felt the alpha moving closer, taking his head in both hands and pulling him in to press a kiss against Changkyun’s forehead for just a moment before pressing their foreheads together.  “We ended things to try and protect you, and all we’ve done is make it all a million times worse for you…”

The tears wouldn’t stop as Chanyeol spoke, and Changkyun found himself collapsing against the alpha’s chest.  “I’m so sorry, pup… if we’d known you would take it this way, we would have thought a lot longer and harder before we did anything…”

“It wouldn’t have changed the ending,” Changkyun replied, shaking his head as he tried to control his tears.

“ _Yah_ … we all wanted you in the pack,” Chanyeol replied.  “A lot of us _still_ want you.  I can’t speak for everyone, because Junmyeon- _hyung_ and I didn’t want to say anything to the others until we knew for sure what was going on.”  The alpha pulled him closer, wrapping strong arms around Changkyun’s torso and pulling him so that he was sitting in Chanyeol’s lap to be more comfortable.  “God, you’re so small…”

Changkyun didn’t respond, just sitting there in the alpha’s arms and trying to calm down.  It was difficult to get the tears to stop flowing once they began, even though Changkyun couldn’t put into words exactly _what_ was making him cry in that moment.

After a few minutes, Changkyun calmed down enough to actually talk to the older man, sitting up slightly as Chanyeol continued to rub small circles on his back.  “I’m sorry that we’ve put you through all of this, Changkyun- _ah_.”

Changkyun took a deep breath.  “It’s over, now.”

Chanyeol reached up and ran a hand through Changkyun’s hair.  “That was our mistake,” Chanyeol replied.  “You have every right to be angry with us, or to hate us for what’s happened.  I know that.  Hell, I wasn’t even sure if you would be willing to talk to me when I decided to come try and check on you.”

“I can’t hate you,” Changkyun replied, shaking his head.  He took a deep breath, trying to calm the thoughts racing through his head so that he could explain what he was thinking to the elder rapper.  “I loved you.  I _still_ love you.  And it’s going to be a long time before I can just completely get that out of my head, _hyung_.  I know that you didn’t want to hear that, but it’s the truth…”

Chanyeol sighed.  Changkyun could feel the man pressing another kiss against his forehead.  “You’re too sweet for your own good,” he replied.  “I’m going to talk to Junmyeon- _hyung_ … we’re going to figure out how we can fix this, for everyone’s sake.”

“You don’t have to fix me… I’ll be okay,” Changkyun replied.

“But you’re _not_ okay.”  Changkyun tried to pull away as the alpha’s hands gently grazed down his sides, feeling the way his bones protruded from his skin.  Changkyun hated just how thin he’d gotten, and he knew that there was no way the alpha would ignore that fact.  “You’re in worse shape than Minseok- _hyung_ was at the worst of his issues with food and exercise.  Even if it isn’t intentional, you’re slowly killing yourself.  Jooheon- _ah_ said they’re trying to figure out how to help you, but they can’t help you fix this unless _you_ want to fix it.”

Changkyun took a deep breath.  “I _do_.”

“You need to talk to your psychiatrist about what’s going on,” Chanyeol replied.  “None of us know how to fix this, but he might…”

“They’re going to hospitalize me,” Changkyun replied softly.

“Maybe that’s for the best,” Chanyeol replied, stroking a hand through his hair.  “You aren’t eating enough… if you need to be in the hospital so that you can get the help you need, then that’s what you should do.  You want to get help…?”

“I don’t want to be like this any more,” Changkyun replied.

There was a moment of silence.  “Can you call your doctor now?” Chanyeol asked.

Changkyun shook his head.  “I don’t have a phone… I need manager- _hyung_ ’s phone to call.”

“If we go find him, would you want me to stay with you while you call?” Chanyeol asked softly.  Changkyun nodded slowly, closing his eyes for a moment.  “Okay… where do you think he might be?”

“Probably in his office,” Changkyun replied.

Chanyeol stood up, helping Changkyun to his feet and keeping an arm around his shoulders so that Changkyun couldn’t fall if he started to lose his balance.  The alpha didn’t seem at all phased by the way other people stared at them as they made their way through the company building, surprised to see Park Chanyeol walking around with one of their own rookie rappers.

The manager’s office was a small room tucked away in a corner of the building, with a large desk shoved into one corner and two small chairs off to the side.

“Changkyun- _ah_ … is everything okay?” the manager asked, standing up as he saw Changkyun and Chanyeol standing in the doorway to the room.

“I’m not okay, _hyung_ …” Changkyun replied, shaking his head.  “I need to call my doctor… I can’t keep pretending that everything is okay.”

There was a moment of silence, before the manager nodded and pulled out his phone so that Changkyun could call.  “Okay.  Do you want some privacy?”

“Please,” Changkyun replied, nodding as he accepted the phone and sat down on one of the chairs across from the manager’s desk.  The manager was quick to leave, but Changkyun found himself taking Chanyeol’s hand and stopping the elder rapper from leaving, too.  “Not you, _hyung_ ,” Changkyun commented.  Chanyeol nodded, sitting down in the other chair as Changkyun found the number in the manager’s phone and dialed.


	37. Of Hospitals and Ultimatums

Changkyun couldn’t help playing with the hospital bracelet that had been placed around his wrist shortly after his arrival.  His psychiatrist had suggested that it would be in Changkyun’s best interests to go to the hospital, first to have his health checked out and then to meet with the doctor himself to talk about what they needed to do next.  And while the physical examination was over, he was still waiting for his psychiatrist to show up and talk to him.  Changkyun could feel the anxiety starting to bubble up the longer he sat there, until he wasn’t sure if he would be able to stop himself from having a panic attack if the doctor didn’t arrive soon.

“Im Changkyun- _ssi_ … how are you feeling?”  Changkyun looked up at the sound of his psychiatrist’s voice, thankful to finally see the man after what felt like hours.  Although he could still feel the panic bubbling low in his stomach, knowing that his doctor was there was definitely helping him keep his anxiety at a manageable level.  At least if the man was at the hospital, Changkyun would have some kind of answers sooner rather than later.

“I don’t want to be hospitalized,” Changkyun replied.

The psychiatrist nodded, sitting down at the end of the bed and nodding.  “I know.  And we’re going to try to avoid that if at all possible.  You trust me, right?”  Changkyun nodded slowly.  “Okay.  Talk to me about what’s going on.”

Changkyun took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment.  “I was being courted by another pack… but a few weeks ago, one of their members rejected the pack and left.”  Changkyun paused for a moment, trying to figure out the best way to explain everything that had happened.  “They asked for space to figure things out, so we went a few weeks without me seeing any of them.  Then their pack alpha asked me to come see him, and he ended things.”

The psychiatrist gave him a moment, before the man responded.  “That was difficult for you.”  Changkyun nodded, closing his eyes for a moment.  “Then what happened?”

“I tried to pretend that everything was okay… that it didn’t hurt.  But it _did_.”  Changkyun took another deep breath.  “I know that they were just trying to protect me, but it still feels like a rejection.”

The doctor nodded, making a couple of notes on the pad he held in his hands.  “How have you been doing with the anxiety through all of this?”

“It’s been bad,” Changkyun admitted.  “I’ve had a lot of panic attacks since it all started, despite the medication.  It’s been getting worse…”

“Sometimes this happens… things can get worse before they start to get better.  Especially in a situation like this, where there are so many complicating factors,” the psychiatrist replied.  “What about physically?  You look as though you’ve lost weight…”

“I’ve been having trouble eating,” Changkyun admitted.  “It hasn’t been intentional… I’m not trying to starve myself.  I just… I’m not hungry, and I _can’t_ …”

“What made you call me today?”  The doctor watched him as Changkyun thought for a moment.  “Why do you think that you’ve reached the point that you can’t go on without help?”

“I’m losing weight,” Changkyun replied.  “I don’t sleep most of the time even though I’m exhausted, although my _hyungs_ don’t know about that.  It’s gotten so bad that Jooheon- _hyung_ called one of the members of the other pack to come talk with me… Chanyeol- _hyung_ convinced me to call.”  Changkyun took a deep breath.  “I should have called sooner.  I should have been ready to admit that I was getting sicker.  But I didn’t want anyone to worry about me…”

“Why don’t you want them to worry?”

“Everyone is always having to take care of me.  I’m a burden…” Changkyun began, shaking his head.  “I know that they all say they don’t mind, or they don’t see me like that.  But I can’t ignore the fact that I’m always the one that needs more… more attention, more time, more work.  Everything is always about what I need, rather than what’s best for the group.”

“You don’t think that doing what’s best for you is also good for the group?”  

Changkyun had to think for a moment about the question, before he could respond.  “It takes away from the managers being able to focus on doing things that will help the group succeed,” Changkyun replied.  “If I wasn’t there, they would be able to push the group to do more…”

“But would that really be what’s best for the group?”

Changkyun shook his head.  “I don’t know any more.”

“Changkyun- _ssi_ … have you contemplated suicide at all?”

“No… I know that isn’t going to help anything,” Changkyun replied quickly, shaking his head.  “It would only hurt the people I care about.”

There was a moment of silence, as the doctor wrote something else down on the paper in his hands.  “I’m not going to hospitalize you today… I don’t think that you’re a danger to yourself, so I think it’s fine for you to go home once we have a plan in place for moving forward.  But I do think we need to make some changes to get you healthy again,” the man commented.  “This isn’t just an extension of the anxiety you’ve been battling.  Your symptoms seem to indicate that you’re dealing with depression as well.  At this point, I think the first thing we need to do is change your prescription.  The fact that you’ve gotten into this situation tells me that you aren’t getting what you need from this medication.”

Changkyun nodded.  “Okay.”

“When was the last time you saw your therapist?”

“It’s been a few weeks,” Changkyun admitted.  “I just… I couldn’t.  There were so many things going on, and I just didn’t have the time or the energy to do that, too.”

“We need to get you back in therapy, then,” the psychiatrist replied.  “We can try getting you in with someone else, if that would make you more comfortable.  But you can’t try to do this alone.  You need more than medication to heal.”

Changkyun nodded, letting his eyes close.  “Okay.”

“I’m also going to have you start coming into my office more often, so that I can keep a closer eye on how you’re doing as well,” the doctor added.  “We have to get you eating and gaining weight again.  I _will_ hospitalize you if we can’t get things turned around in the next couple of weeks… I don’t want to risk your health by letting this continue to go on any longer.  You understand that, right?”

“I do,” Changkyun replied.  

“Okay.  Are you still in contact with the pack that was courting you, other than the person you mentioned a few minutes ago?”  Changkyun shook his head.  “Good.  I’m going to suggest that it would be best for you to not have any contact until your condition has stabilized.  As much as you may want to talk to them, it’s not in your best interests right now, when you’re so unstable.  Because you _are_ in a lot of danger right now, whether you realize it or not.  I’m also going to suggest that your managers limit your participation in choreography and dance practices until you’ve started to gain some weight, because I don’t want you to start having any serious health consequences.”

As much as he disliked the idea of having to limit his work time, Changkyun nodded in agreement to the doctor’s conditions.  He knew that it was all because the doctor was looking out for his best interests, and his managers would back the doctor up once they knew how serious the situation had become.  If that meant being pulled from promotions, then they would do what was necessary to keep Changkyun healthy.  “I just want to get better.  I don’t want to keep worrying everyone,” Changkyun replied.

“I’ll get that new prescription in and the paperwork to release you for now, and we’ll get you out of here.  And the first thing you need to do is go eat.”


	38. Reaching Out

Changkyun woke up with his face almost buried in Minhyuk’s chest, the elder omega’s arms wrapped tightly around him so that he couldn’t move.“Don’t suffocate the _maknae_ , Minhyuk- _ah_.”Changkyun couldn’t help laughing slightly at Kihyun’s bored tone, almost as if the beta was already completely done with the eldest omega despite the fact that they hadn’t even been a group for a year.

“He’s fine… I’m making sure his nose isn’t covered,” Minhyuk replied.

“You should wake him up… dinner’s almost ready, and he needs to eat more than anyone else,” Kihyun commented.Changkyun could feel the beta run a hand through his hair, letting his hand rest against Changkyun’s cheek for a brief moment.“He looks so peaceful… it’s hard to believe he’s in such bad shape…”

“We should have done something sooner,” Minhyuk replied.“We all saw that he was hurting, and we should have pushed him to keep going to the doctor, or talk to the managers, or do _something_.This is our fault, for not paying attention to the warning signs that were there all along…”

“ _Yah_ … I know that this isn’t a great situation, but we can’t let ourselves focus on what we’ve already done wrong, when we should be focusing on what we can do to fix it…”Changkyun forced his eyes open at Kihyun’s words, knowing that the beta was right; they couldn’t fix his problems by worrying about the past.They needed to focus on changing things so that he wouldn’t continue to get worse.“Changkyun- _ah_ , it’s almost time to eat.”Changkyun turned to look at the beta as the older man ran a hand through his hair.

“How are you doing, pup?” Minhyuk asked softly, rubbing small circles on his back.

“I’m okay,” Changkyun replied, starting to sit up.He closed his eyes as he started to get dizzy, thankful when Minhyuk hurried to sit up and keep him up.“I’m okay.”

“You need to eat,” Kihyun replied.“Minhyuk- _ah_ , make sure he doesn’t hurt himself… I’m going to go finish getting dinner ready.”

Changkyun wasn’t exactly thrilled about needing Minhyuk’s help to get up and head into the kitchen, but it was clear that his body wasn’t willing to cooperate after the stress of the day and the fact that he’d forgotten to eat when he’d finally been released from the hospital - not that he was about to let his _hyungs_ know he’d already failed at following his doctor’s instructions despite the fact that it had only been a couple of hours. 

It was hardly surprising to Changkyun that all of his _hyungs_ were already in their living room as he and Minhyuk walked in, but it certainly didn’t make him any less uncomfortable as he sat down at the table while everyone else finished setting up for dinner.It was quiet at first as they all started to eat, until Hoseok decided to approach the one topic that Changkyun had been hoping wouldn’t come up.“So… what did the doctor say?”

Everyone’s eyes were on Changkyun; he could feel them, even though he didn’t look up to see what the rest of the group was doing as he finished chewing a bite of rice.“I have two weeks to start gaining weight, or they’re going to hospitalize me.They’re changing my medication, and I have therapy appointments more often and visits to the psychiatrist weekly until things get better.And I’m not allowed to talk to anyone from EXO…”

There was a brief moment of silence, before Changkyun felt a hand on his back.“Do you want me to talk to Chanyeol- _hyung_ for you?” Jooheon asked.

“I was going to call Jongin- _hyung_ ,” Changkyun replied, shaking his head.“He’s not part of the pack, so I figured it would be okay…”

“If that’s what you think is best,” Jooheon commented.“But you know I’ll do it if you need me to.All you have to do is ask.”

Changkyun smiled.“Thank you, _hyung_.”

“Right… so we need to make sure that you eat properly,” Minhyuk commented, adding a little bit of his own meat to Changkyun’s bowl.Changkyun couldn’t help chuckling slightly at the elder omega’s immediate reaction to his news, knowing that the older man was doing the only thing he could think of to help.

“Thank you, _hyung_.”

“We’ll do whatever we can t help you, Changkyun- _ah_ ,” Hyunwoo commented, from the other end of the table.“We just need you to tell us when you’re hurting, so that we can figure out what to do…”

Changkyun nodded.“I know.I need to get better at taking care of myself, and at talking about what’s bothering me,” he replied.“None of this is going to get better if I don’t start to really work on it.I’m going to end up killing myself if I don’t seriously change…”

The rest of the meal was fairly quiet, but Changkyun could tell that his _hyungs_ were all paying attention to how much he was eating.It wasn’t easy to get everything down; it had been too long since Changkyun had eaten a full meal, and his stomach didn’t really want to cooperate with him.But he made himself eat a bit more - not enough to actually make himself sick, but enough that his stomach was definitely a little overfilled and he wasn’t exactly comfortable.There was still food in his bowl, but it was significantly less than what he’d been leaving behind.Even though it was a small thing, Changkyun couldn’t help but feeling accomplished.

“Changkyun- _ah_ , do you want anything else?” Kihyun asked, as he put his bowl and chopsticks down on the table.

“No thanks, _hyung_ ,” Changkyun replied, shaking his head.“Maybe later…”

“You did really well, pup,” Minhyuk commented, leaning in closer and wrapping an arm around Changkyun’s waist.

Changkyun smiled, nodding.“Thanks.I should probably go call Jongin- _ah_ … I need to get this over with…”

Hyunwoo was quick to hand over the one phone that they kept in the dorm, given the fact that they didn’t have their own personal phones.It wasn’t anything fancy - just a way for their leader to communicate with their managers and for the guys to talk to their parents periodically.Changkyun was just thankful that he’d taken the time to memorize everyone in EXO’s phone numbers, even though Jongin was part of a different pack.

The small room he shared with Jooheon and Minhyuk was quiet once he closed the door, and Changkyun climbed into his own bed to make the phone call.

“Yeobosayo _?_ ”

“Jongin- _hyung_?” Changkyun commented, once the man answered the call.“It’s Changkyun- _ah_ …”

There was a brief moment without a response, although Changkyun could hear muffled words and the shuffling of the man moving around on the other end of the line." _Sorry - Taemin-_ hyung _and I were watching a movie.How are you holding up?_ ”

“I’m okay.”Changkyun sighed, shaking his head when he realized that he wasn’t really telling the truth.“Actually, that’s not true… but I’m getting help, and I will be okay.Eventually.”

“ _I’m sorry.It’s a lot to have happen so quickly,_ ” Jongin replied.

“I actually have a favor to ask…” Changkyun began, taking a deep breath.“I’m not doing well right now, and my psychiatrist doesn’t think it’s a good idea for me to talk to anyone from EXO… _”_

“ _But you’re talking to me…_ ” Jongin began.

“You’re part of a different pack… I figured that it would be okay…” Changkyun replied.“Could you just… I don’t want them to think I’m just ignoring them.Our manager knows, and he isn’t going to bring me the phone if any of them call… but I’m not sure if he would explain why…”

“ _I get it… I’ll talk to Junmyeon-_ hyung _tonight and let him know what’s going on, so that you don’t have to worry about it,_ ” Jongin replied.“ _Take care of yourself, okay?They should have realized that this was going to hurt you, too, and they were stupid for not thinking about that before they made a decision that would affect you, too._ ”

Changkyun closed his eyes.“I still love them.”

“ _I’m guessing you don’t want me to tell them that, too?_ ”

“No… probably not the best idea,” Changkyun replied, shaking his head.“Thank you, _hyung_.I’m sorry for putting you in the middle of everything, but I wasn’t sure what else to do…”

“ _Don’t worry about it.We all need help sometimes.It’s not like you’re asking me to rob a bank or something,_ ” Jongin replied with a laugh.“ _Call me if you need me, okay?I know that they’d be devastated if anything happened to you…_ ”

“Thanks,” Changkyun replied, before hanging up the phone and dropping it into his lap. 

Changkyun wasn’t sure how long he sat there, lost in his own thoughts about everything that was going on.It wasn’t until he felt Minhyuk wrapping his arms around him from behind that he really snapped out of it, surprised that the elder had managed to scale up the back side of Changkyun’s bunk without him noticing at all.“You okay?”

“Yeah, _hyung_.That was just harder than I expected it to be…” Changkyun replied.

“You’ll be okay, pup,” Minhyuk replied, hugging him closer so that Changkyun could feel the elder omega pressed up against his back.“You just need the time to heal.And you need to figure out how you’re going to move forward, because you’ve got to make some big decisions.”


	39. Rush

Things got better.By the time Changkyun and his _hyungs_ were ready to film the music video for “Rush”, he was at least looking better than he had in a while.He was still struggling mentally - there was no quick fix for his depression and anxiety, even with the prescribed medication and regular visits to his therapist’s office - but Changkyun could still at least tell that he was making progress towards recovering.It wasn’t easy, but every pound that he added on the scale got him closer to being at least physically healthy again.

“Want some chips?”Changkyun looked up at Hoseok as the alpha held out the bag of tortilla chips that he’d been eating out of during the previous scene.

“Are you sure they’re doing using them for the video?” Changkyun asked, as he reached out and took a couple of chips to snack on as one of the stylists worked on fixing his hair before they moved on to the next scene they needed to film.

“Director- _nim_ said we could eat whatever was left,” Hoseok replied, nodding as he grabbed another chip and ate it.“I know it’s going to be lunch soon, but I figured you might appreciate having something to eat sooner…”

Changkyun smiled.“Thanks, _hyung_.”

Getting through the rest of the morning’s heavy dancing wasn’t easy; although he’d been gaining weight and getting stronger, Changkyun still wasn’t quite back to himself and he was exhausted by the time the group was given their lunch break.

“Hey, pup.”Hyunwoo found him almost as soon as they were cut, wrapping his arms around Changkyun’s waist.“How are you feeling?”

“Tired,” Changkyun admitted.“I knew it was going to be rough to get back into all of the dancing and everything, but I wasn’t really expecting it to be this hard.”

“If you to go home…” Hyunwoo began.

Changkyun shook his head.“I’ll be okay once I’ve had a break.I think I might lay down for a little while, until manager- _hyung_ gets here with lunch,” he replied.

“Go for it… do whatever you need to do to make it through today, okay?We all understand that you’re going to need to take breaks and take care of yourself.We have to finish the video today, but we’ll do what we can to make it easier on you.”Hyunwoo finally let go of Changkyun, but not before the alpha pressed a soft kiss against the top of his head. 

There weren’t many places on set for him to lay down, but Changkyun was thankfully able to find an unoccupied couch not far from where the stylists had set up camp.It didn’t take long for Hyungwon to find him and join him on the couch, wrapping his arms around Changkyun’s waist and holding him as they both enjoyed a brief nap.

“We’re waking him up for lunch, right?”Changkyun couldn’t help groaning slightly at the suggestion that he would have to move, even as he felt Hyungwon starting to get off the couch.While he knew that Kihyun meant well, Changkyun was too tired to move.

“He’s not going to survive the day if we don’t… I know Hoseok- _ah_ got him to eat some chips earlier, but it wasn’t much.As hungry and exhausted as we are, I know it has to be even worse for him,” Hyunwoo replied. 

Changkyun forced his eyes open as he felt one of his _hyungs_ stroking a hand through his hair.“ _Hyung…_ you’re going to mess up my hair…”

“It’s already messed up from your nap,” Kihyun replied.“Manager- _hyung_ brought lunch, if you’re hungry…”Changkyun nodded, starting to get up.Almost as soon as he got to his feet, everything started to get fuzzy.Kihyun had an arm around him almost immediately, steadying him on his feet so that he wouldn’t collapse.“ _Yah_ … Hyunwoo- _hyung_ , help…”

By the time Changkyun felt Hyunwoo’s strong hands grabbing him by the elbows, everything was coming back into focus.“I’m okay, _hyung_ …”

“You nearly passed out… that is _not_ okay,” Kihyun replied.

“I just stood up too fast.I’m fine, _hyung_.” 

Neither Kihyun nor Hyunwoo looked convinced, but Hyunwoo seemed to at least have a bit more trust in Changkyun’s ability to know his own limits.“Okay… let’s get you some water and something to eat.We’ll see how you feel after that,” Hyunwoo commented.Changkyun nodded, letting the alpha guide him to where their lunch had been set up.It was more than a little awkward, but Changkyun knew that it was all because the group wanted to make sure he was taken care of and not making himself sick again.

Changkyun couldn’t help noticing the fact that Hyunwoo and Hoseok were both sneaking extra bites of food into his box, thinking he didn’t notice.Eventually, Changkyun managed to catch Hoseok’s eye and smile at the alpha as he moved some extra kimchi onto Changkyun’s rice.“Thanks, _hyung_ ,” Changkyun commented softly, leaning into the alpha’s side slightly.

“You need the extra calories,” Hoseok replied, keeping his own voice soft as well.“We’ve still got a long way to go, and I don’t want you to get sick later.”Changkyun nodded, picking up the kimchi with his own chopsticks and eating as much as he could without making himself feel sick.While he was still tired, the nap and food certainly helped make him feel a little less exhausted.

The group was given a decently long lunch break, thanks to the fact that the staff had an hour for lunch as well.But eventually, it was time to get back to work.“Alright, guys… it’s time to get back to work.The stylists are waiting for you.”

Changkyun had always enjoyed having people play with his hair; having a stylist fixing the mess he’d made of his hair while he’d napped almost put him to sleep again, and it took much longer than it probably should have for him to be ready to film.Thankfully, however, it seemed as though someone had requested for the director to film a few clips that didn’t include him, so that he wouldn’t be too stressed by having to rush and get ready for his next scene.

“You still look tired,” Hyungwon commented, coming over and wrapping his arms around Changkyun’s waist as they watched Hyunwoo and Hoseok being set up for another scene.“Are you going to be okay to keep filming?”

“I’m fine, _hyung_ ,” Changkyun replied.“This is the easy part…”

“We still have more dance sequences to film, though,” Hyungwon interrupted.“Are you going to be able to keep going when we have to start dancing again?None of us want to see you hurt or sick like that again…”

“I can do it… and if I can’t, I’ll say something this time.I promise, _hyung_.”Changkyun smiled as the beta gave him a quick squeeze, before backing off as Minhyuk came over to join them.The elder omega was quick to take Hyungwon’s previous position, practically smothering Changkyun in a tight hug.“ _Hyung_ …” Changkyun whined softly.

“You looked like you could use a hug,” Minhyuk replied, ignoring his protests.

“Just please don’t mess up my hair… the stylist _noonas_ will be upset…” Changkyun replied, deciding that it wasn’t worth trying to fight his way out of the elder omega’s grip.

“Don’t worry.I’ll be careful,” Minhyuk commented.After a few moments of continuing to watch what was going on, Changkyun found himself relaxing a bit more, leaning back against Minhyuk.“Let’s go sit down, yeah?You should rest while we have the chance, because you and I both know that there’s going to be a _lot_ of dancing coming up in the next few hours…”

Changkyun nodded, letting the elder omega guide him away from the cameras and back to the dressing room they’d been using earlier.The couch was still there, and it was just as comfortable as it had been earlier in the day.In the end, Changkyun found himself drifting off to sleep again against Minhyuk’s shoulder without even realizing that he was still that exhausted.

“ _Aish_ … he fell asleep again?”Changkyun wasn’t completely asleep when he heard Kihyun’s voice coming from somewhere nearby, but he didn’t bother to try and force his eyes open in that moment.

“I don’t think he realized just how exhausted he really was,” Minhyuk commented.“We all knew that he was going to struggle today - but it seems like he wasn’t as prepared for all of this as we thought he was.How long do we have before they need us again?”

“He’s got about five more minutes… they want to do the scene where Hyunwoo- _hyung_ is doing pushups with Changkyun- _ah_ on his back next.”Kihyun’s hand was on Changkyun’s back for a brief moment, rubbing small circles between his shoulder blades.“We should probably wake him up, to make sure he’s going to be ready…”

“‘M awake,” Changkyun muttered, forcing his eyes open.“I’m ready.”Changkyun forced himself to sit up, stopping himself from rubbing the sleep from his eyes for fear of destroying the makeup that had been so carefully applied to his eyes before he’d fallen asleep again.

“Let’s get you some caffeine.”


	40. Letter

“You look better.”Changkyun smiled slightly at his psychologist’s words.While he knew logically that he was doing better, actually hearing it from one of his doctors - someone who didn’t see him on a day-to-day basis - helped reinforce the fact that things were _actually_ getting better and that the progress he was making was real.“How has the last week been?”

“Really busy… we were filming a new music video, and there was just a lot going on…” Changkyun replied.“I’m still exhausted most of the time, but it’s getting better.I’m actually making it through a whole dance practice again without having to take extra breaks.And I’m actually hungry again…”

“How much weight have you gained?”

Changkyun shook his head.“I don’t know… manager- _hyung_ says I need to gain another five pounds, but he doesn’t tell me what the numbers are,” Changkyun replied.“I don’t think the company believes that I don’t have an eating disorder - they act like I’m going to start trying to lose weight as soon as the pressure is off if I know how much I weigh…”

“But you haven’t been diagnosed with any kind of eating disorder?”

“No… I’m depressed and anxious, but I’m not _trying_ to make myself lose weight,” Changkyun replied, shaking his head.“I don’t want to be like this.I _want_ to be healthy.And I want to keep up with my _hyungs_.I want to be normal again, instead of the mess that I’ve been for the past few months…”

“How do you think the medication is working?” the psychologist asked, making notes about their conversation as she spoke.

“The anxiety’s getting better - I still have panic attacks, but they’re not as bad or as frequent as they were,” Changkyun replied.“I can tell that they’re helping.But I’m still not okay… I’m still upset about everything that happened with EXO.It still hurts…”

“It’s going to hurt until you deal with that emotional pain,” the psychologist replied.“The medication isn’t a miracle - your mental health issues stem from real traumas that you’ve experienced.The pills are a tool to get you to the point where you’ll be able to effectively deal with what’s happened to you.But the bulk of the work to fix this happens right here, in your therapy sessions.Which is why it’s important that you don’t start skipping sessions when things are going well again.The recovery process is like a roller coaster - you may be doing really well for a while, but until the underlying issues are sorted out there’s always going to be that drop coming up that you have to deal with.”

Changkyun nodded.“I know… I shouldn’t have let myself get off track,” he replied.“I just hate feeling like I’m always the one causing problems.Like I’m the weak link…”

“Asking for help doesn’t make you weak,” the psychologist replied.

“I know that now… and I know that I’m much better off now than I was before _any_ of this started.Or at least, I will be better off if I stick with the process.But it’s hard to get out of the idea that I’m causing problems, or that I’m weak because I can’t just man up and deal with all of this without relying on medication and therapy appointments…”

The psychologist sighed.“It’s an unfortunate fact that our society doesn’t respond well to the idea of seeking mental health treatment.There are a lot of people who would benefit from what we have to offer… including many of the people who work in the same industry you do.But it’s more important for you to focus on your own healing right now.In a few years, when your group is the biggest name in the music industry and you’re healthy and stable, then maybe you can start worrying about trying to change people’s minds about asking for help.For now, though, we need to get you to the point where you can deal with your own experiences.”

The rest of the session went by relatively quickly; Changkyun was exhausted by the end of the hour, but he was definitely starting to get things straightened out in his head a bit more.“I’m going to be at a conference next week, so it will be a little longer than normal before our next session.You have the number to call if there’s an emergency, right?”

Changkyun nodded.“It’s in my wallet,” he replied.The number had been written down on the back of a business card for him as soon as he’d gotten back in with his psychologist, given the fact that he’d gotten himself into such bad shape in the time he’d been avoiding the woman’s office.While he didn’t have his own cell phone - they had all agreed not to take them back at the end of No.Mercy until they had achieved their first win - but Hyunwoo had a phone for the group to use in an emergency and their managers were always willing to allow them to borrow their phones if needed. 

“Right… so the Wednesday after next…”

“I have a music show that day,” Changkyun replied, shaking his head.“Manager- _hyung_ said he was going to take care of rescheduling… I don’t know all of our schedules for that week, or I would do it myself…”

The psychologist nodded, writing on a sticky note.“I’ll make sure the receptionist knows… if necessary, I can stay late one day that week to meet with you, so that we don’t have to miss any appointments while you’re promoting.”

Changkyun nodded.“Thank you.”

“I’ll see you next week, Changkyun- _ah_.”

Changkyun was careful to hide his identity behind a hat and mask as he left the therapist’s office.He knew that it would cause a scandal if anyone found out he was in therapy, and that was the last thing they needed as rookie Idols.That concern was almost as stressful as the appointments themselves, and Changkyun found himself collapsing into the front seat of their manager’s car and closing his eyes as soon as he got outside.

“Everything okay?”Changkyun just hummed in response, closing his eyes.“There’s an extra dance rehearsal after lunch, but you’re getting tonight off so that you can all be well-rested for the performances tomorrow.”

“Okay.”

There was silence in the car for the first few minutes of the car ride, before the manager spoke again.“I know that you aren’t supposed to have any contact with EXO… but Zitao- _ssi_ sent you a letter.I debated all week whether or not I should give it to you…”

“Did you read it?” Changkyun asked, opening his eyes and sitting up a bit as he turned to look at the manager.Getting a letter from the Chinese man certainly wasn’t something Changkyun had expected.

“No.I didn’t feel right about that.It’s in the glove box…”Changkyun turned to look at the little door to the glove box, staring at it for a moment without moving.“I decided to give you the choice on whether or not you would read it.”

Changkyun reached out slowly, opening the glove box and pulling out the small envelope.It had been opened, as all of the mail that had come through their fan address was, which was the only reason the manager had even known it was from Zitao - the outer envelope didn’t have a return address, but the man had signed his name at the bottom of a short message penned in messy Hangul.

 

 _Changkyun-_ ssi _,_

 

 _I know that you probably don’t want to hear from me.Yixing-_ hyung _has been telling me what he knows about the whole situation, and I would understand if you hated me for leaving without any warning.For ruining everything._

 _I’m sorry.Not for leaving, but for the fact that I hurt you in the process.If I had thought it through more, I would have said something to Junmyeon-_ hyung _and the others before I left - I would have explained myself to them before I walked away from the pack.And I would have taken the time to explain what was going on to you, because you had just as much right to know that I planned on leaving as they did.I shouldn’t have gone without making sure that everyone knew that it wasn’t their fault.That it wasn’t your fault._

 _Leaving Korea was something I had to do.A person can only take so much before they crack, and SM was pushing me to the breaking point every single day.Yixing-_ hyung _is a much stronger person than I am, for being able to continue on when the rest of us have gone back to China and filed lawsuits to terminate our contracts.I don’t know how he can do it, when his health is suffering because of the stress, too._

 _SM doesn’t care for its Chinese artists.Yifan-_ hyung _was sick when he left - he’d been sick for a while, but the company had refused to give him the time off to recover.I’ve been dealing with an ankle injury for months without being given the time to properly deal with it.Yixing-_ hyung _has been injured before, too, and forced onto the stage anyway despite the fact that even minor cuts can become life-threatening for him.All that matters to SM is that the show goes on._

 _It’s different for the Korean members; they’re still pushed too hard, but the company was always nicer to EXO-K.They had a better dorm, better food.Minseok-_ hyung _and Jongdae-_ hyung _have a better idea of just how bad it was for those of us from China because they lived with us, but they were still treated better by the company than the rest of us.There was less stress for the Korean members - fewer commitments, fewer demands, less criticism.They all saw it - especially once Yifan-_ hyung _and Luhan-_ hyung _left - but they didn’t have the power to do anything about it, either._

 _Please don’t be angry with them, Changkyun-_ ah _.They never intended to hurt you._ I _never intended to hurt you, either.I only did what I had to do for my own health - what SM forced me to do by refusing to care about my health.But I’ll accept it if you decide to hate me, because I know that I could have gone about it in a better way.I could have explained myself, rather than just disappearing on everyone while we were in China.Maybe then I could have spared you some of the pain that I know you’re dealing with now._

 _Even if you can’t go back to EXO, please know that they loved you.Honestly, I think that they still do.I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing by telling you this, but I can see it in Yixing-_ hyung _’s words when he writes to me.They all regret letting you go so quickly after everything happened, rather than trying to figure out a way to make things work despite the situation.And they feel awful about how much their decision to end the courtship has hurt you.I feel awful about that, too, because I know that it’s my fault._

 _Please don’t hold this against them, Changkyun-_ ah _.They didn’t know what they were doing.They never meant to hurt you.No one did._

 

Changkyun folded the letter again, looking down at it without saying a word.He really didn’t know what to think about everything that was written in the letter; while some of the information Zitao had shared had been hinted at before, there were still a lot of things in there that were brand new - things that helped Changkyun understand a lot more about what had happened.Still, the last couple of paragraphs had been difficult to read.Knowing that EXO had shared his feelings certainly hit him harder than he’d expected it to, and Changkyun wasn’t sure exactly how to move forward from that point.


	41. New Friends

Minhyuk nuzzled into Changkyun’s neck as they sat in the dressing room at one of the music shows.Changkyun had already lost track of where they were and what they were doing each day, despite the fact that it had only been a few days since they’d begun promoting.Everything had been a bit of a blur since he’d received Zitao’s letter; Changkyun was running on auto-pilot again, although he did at least know that he was eating more than he had immediately after everything had happened in the first place and he was no longer at risk of being hospitalized because of his weight.While he wasn’t really completely in control of what he was doing, Changkyun could at least keep track of that much.

“You’re spacing out on me,” Minhyuk pouted, wrapping his arms tightly around Changkyun in an attempt at getting some kind of reaction out of him.Changkyun could still act for the cameras - playing the mischievous _maknae_ as expected when people outside of his group were watching - but when the cameras weren’t around he had a difficult time breaking out of his own thoughts.“You’ve been different ever since your doctor’s appointment the other day.Did something happen?”

“I got a letter from Zitao- _ssi_ ,” Changkyun admitted.“I shouldn’t have read it… I should have just put it away somewhere until I was stronger.But I was curious about why he would be writing me a letter, when he doesn’t even have any contact with EXO- _sunbaenims_.”

“ _Aish_ … Changkyun- _ah_ …” Minhyuk began, tightening his embrace again.

“I know it was dumb, _hyung_ ,” Changkyun interrupted.“He told me a lot of things about his situation that I wasn’t aware of before - things that make me wonder why Yixing- _hyung_ is still sticking it out with SM.It’s been awful for the Chinese members, and I can’t even imagine what they’ve been through…”

“He shouldn’t have put that on you,” Minhyuk replied, squeezing Changkyun a bit tighter.“You shouldn’t have had to deal with that emotional stress - not when you were finally starting to get yourself back together.It was really unfair to you…”

Changkyun nodded slowly.“I know that, _hyung_.But I can’t be angry with him, now that I know what he was going through,” Changkyun replied.“As much as it hurts, I know that there are a lot of issues that lead up to what happened.But it makes it a lot harder to figure out what I want to do…”

Changkyun could hear Minhyuk sigh at his words.“You’re too good, Changkyun- _ah_.You care too much about how other people feel, when you should be focusing on your own mental health and what’s best for you,” Minhyuk commented.“I know you want to be with EXO.But you have to remember that even if it wasn’t intentional, they hurt you - they broke your heart to the point that you lost control of your depression and could have killed yourself.That isn’t something you can just ignore…”

“But I’m supposed to just ignore the way you all treated me at first?” Changkyun asked.

Minhyuk sighed.“I never said that… I know that we hurt you, too.But we didn’t push our own problems on you when we knew that you weren’t doing well,” the elder omega replied.“We’ve been trying to help, instead of pushing you to accept something that you _shouldn’t_ accept.”

“He isn’t part of the pack any more,” Changkyun replied.

“He caused all of this pain for you, and you’re still defending him…” Minhyuk began, shaking his head as he pulled back from the hug that he’d been giving Changkyun throughout their conversation.“How can you just accept what he did, without questioning any of what he’s saying?You barely knew him…”

Changkyun pulled away from Minhyuk, shaking his head.“You can’t understand, _hyung_ … you’ve never been in this position before.You’re a founding member of a pack, and you knew who you wanted to be with.I don’t have that luxury…”

“No… but you have the luxury of having a choice,” Minhyuk replied.

Changkyun shook his head.“Maybe I didn’t want that… maybe I knew what I wanted long before I even joined Starship.But that got taken away from me, and now I’m stuck trying to change everything I ever thought I was going to do with my life.None of you understand what that’s like… none of you were as close as I was to debuting with another group.It _sucks_ , _hyung_.I _don’t_ get to choose, because every time I make a choice something else happens that changes things again.”

There was a moment of silence, as Minhyuk seemed to process what Changkyun was saying.“I don’t… I know that you’ve been hurt more times than you can count by packs that didn’t work out or didn’t know how to give you what you needed.But you’ve had so many more opportunities than you realize… think about how much you’ve learned about yourself and what you want…”

“I’ve learned that my parents fucked me up… I’m dependent on medication to even function because of everything that’s gone wrong… and even with medication, I’m barely holding it together a lot of the time because it’s _that_ bad.So please, tell me again how I’m lucky,” Changkyun replied, finally pulling away from his _hyung_ and walking away before the older man could say anything else to him.

Changkyun found himself in a bathroom, leaning against the counter as he tried to calm himself down.While he knew that Minhyuk didn’t mean to upset him, Changkyun couldn’t help fighting back tears as he realized just how little his _hyungs_ really understood about what had been going on with his mental health.

“Excuse me… are you okay?”Changkyun looked up at the sound of someone’s voice, instantly recognizing the other boy as a member of Seventeen.They had debuted not long after Monsta X, so Changkyun recognized his face from their first round of promotions but he didn’t really have a name to go with the face.“I.M- _ssi_ , right?”

“I’m okay…” Changkyun began, shaking his head.“I’m sorry…?

“Hong Jisoo… or Joshua, if you prefer.From Seventeen.” 

Changkyun nodded, wracking his brain to try and remember something about the boy from their brief introductions a few months earlier..“Right… I’m sorry, Jisoo- _ssi_.I was a bit preoccupied the last time we met…”

“With EXO- _sunbaenims_?”Changkyun looked up, surprised that someone from outside of Monsta X had noticed.“I have to admit, I was a bit jealous that you and Jooheon- _ssi_ were getting to hang out with them…”The boy smiled as he said it, making it clear that it wasn’t a serious case of jealousy.

“Jooheon- _hyung_ went to school with Chanyeol- _hyung_ ,” Changkyun replied.

Jisoo nodded.“Makes me wish I’d lived here earlier… I left my family pack when I was seventeen so that I could become a trainee, so I didn’t really get the whole school experience… I’d graduated in America before I came here.”

Changkyun nodded, smiling.“I was sixteen when I moved back… I was born in Gwangju, but my family left when I was a baby,” he replied, switching into English because he knew that the other boy would understand what he was saying.“We were in Boston for a few years… I did so little of my schooling in Korean that I couldn’t keep up when I came back, so I ended up dropping out.”

“Your family pack didn’t say anything about you dropping out?” Jisoo asked, seemingly surprised.

Changkyun shook his head.“I don’t have a family pack… it’s just me and my parents,” Changkyun replied.“My father’s job made us move around too much to ever really join a pack.And my parents didn’t really know at first, because they were in… Wales, I think?I was on my own…”

There was a brief moment of silence, before Jisoo spoke up again.“Look, I know it’s kind of awkward because we don’t really know each other, but would you want to exchange phone numbers?I feel like we probably have a lot in common…”

“I don’t have a phone right now,” Changkyun replied, shaking his head.“Kakao, maybe?I have an iPod I can message with.” 

Jisoo smiled, nodding as he pulled out his phone.“That works.”

“My real name is Im Changkyun, by the way,” Changkyun replied, as Jisoo opened up his phone.

“I’ll look forward to talking to you, Changkyun- _ssi_.”


	42. Honesty

**_Jisoo (2114)_ **

_I wish I only had six members to worry about._

 

**What are you talking about?**

 

**_Jisoo (2114)_ **

_There was no hot water left._

_I’m still shivering._

_And Jihoon-_ ah _looks about ready to murder me because I showered right before him._

_Woozi may be younger and smaller, but he scares me._

 

 

Changkyun couldn’t help chuckling slightly at his new friend’s messages, shaking his head.

 

 

**It happens here, too.I’ve had a lot of cold showers.**

**Minhyuk- _hyung_ takes forever.**

**And I would be afraid, too.Shortest = concentrated evil.**

 

**_Jisoo (2115)_ **

_So does Jeonghan-_ ah _.It’s the hair._

_It’s so big because it’s full of secrets._

 

**Did you really just quote Mean Girls at me?**

 

**_Jisoo (2116)_ **

_No comment._

 

 

Changkyun shook his head, smiling as he typed out his response.

 

 

**No shame.**

**Tina Fey is hilarious.**

 

 

“What’s so funny?” Jooheon asked, from his seat closer to the computer.The two of them had retreated to the studio on their day off to work on writing, but Jooheon had been doing most of the work.It wasn’t that Changkyun didn’t _want_ to write - it was just that his brain was still not in a good place to write at that point.

“Just chatting with a friend,” Changkyun replied, shaking his head.

Jooheon looked concerned.“Not someone from EXO…?”

“No, _hyung_ ,” Changkyun replied.“I’m not talking to anyone from EXO.It’s Jisoo- _yah_ , from Seventeen.” 

Jooheon nodded, turning back to the computer with a sigh of relief.“I’m glad… it’ll be good for you to make some other friends outside of us and EXO,” Jooheon replied.“It’s got to be hard not really knowing many people outside of our own group that you can talk to…”

“Because I’m so fucked up in the head?” Changkyun asked.He wasn’t sure where the question came from, but it was the first thing to come to his mind in that moment.

“Because everyone needs friends,” Jooheon replied, turning around and shaking his head.“What’s going on with you, Changkyun- _ah_?You’ve been making a lot of weird comments lately, and we’re all starting to worry that you’re getting worse instead of better…”

Changkyun shook his head.“I’m fine, _hyung_ ,” he replied.“I’m just… I’m getting better about being honest with what I’m thinking, even when I know that it isn’t what you guys want to hear.None of this is going to work if I’m not being honest…”

There was a moment of silence as Jooheon seemed to be processing what Changkyun was saying.“You aren’t fucked up in the head… you know that, right?”

“It’s not like I’m normal…” Changkyun replied, shaking his head.“Everything is a mess in my head.And even though I’m working on it, it’s still pretty awful in there.I need to be honest - with all of you, and with myself.”Changkyun turned back to his iPod, noting that he’d gotten two new messages while he’d been talking with Jooheon.

 

 

**_Jisoo (2116)_ **

_Yes!So many of my members don’t understand._

 

**_Jisoo (2117)_ **

_Wait… aren’t you the shortest in Monsta X?_

 

**I maintain that I’m taller than Kihyun- _hyung_.**

**I don’t buy his longer legs argument.**

 

**_Jisoo (2119)_ **

_Keep telling yourself that, short stack._

 

**Yah… rude much?**

 

**_Jisoo (2119)_ **

_You’re calling me rude, when you won’t even call me_ hyung _?_

 

**Technically, English doesn’t have a formal variation.**

**And you’re less than a month older than me.**

 

**_Jisoo (2119)_ **

_True._

_And yet you still refer to your members with the Romanized version._

_But_ do _you admit that I_ am _older than you._

 

**By 27 days.**

**That’s shorter than the month of February.**

**And we’re the same age here in Korea, because of Lunar New Year.**

 

**_Jisoo (2120)_ **

_Brat._

_You guys performing tomorrow?_

 

**Yeah.**

**I’ve lost track of which show, though.**

 

 

“What are the two of you talking about, anyway?” Jooheon asked.

“Just stuff,” Changkyun replied, shrugging.“Cold showers. _Mean Girls_.The fact that Woozi- _ssi_ is scary when he’s mad…”

Jooheon raised an eyebrow at the list of topics.“Woozi- _ssi_?Isn’t he the small one?”

“He’s not _that_ small…” Changkyun began, shaking his head.

“You’re only saying that because he’s not that much smaller than you,” Jooheon teased.

“ _Yah_ … you’re not that much taller, either, _hyung_!”

Jooheon laughed, shaking his head.“ _Yah_ … I’m only teasing, Changkyun- _ah_.”Jooheon reached out and ruffled his hair.“We should probably start cleaning up… Hyunwoo- _hyung_ asked us to all be back by ten, and it’s getting kind of late.”

Changkyun nodded, shoving his iPod into his pocket and starting to help Jooheon put the studio back the way they had found it.While it wasn’t that late, they both knew that they would have an early morning the next day, and it would be better if they were well-rested before they had to spend all day performing, rehearsing, and meeting fans.

“Manager- _hyung_ should still be down in his office… think he’d give us a ride home?” Jooheon asked, as they finally finished putting everything away properly.

“Let’s walk… it was nice out today, and we have time to make it back before ten,” Changkyun commented.“I feel like we barely spend any time outside any more… just running in and out of buildings for schedules.I’m starting to miss the sun…”

“Changkyun- _ah_ … it’s 9:30 at night.The sun was gone a while ago…” Jooheon began.

“I know… but it would be nice to at least get some fresh air,” Changkyun replied, shaking his head.“It’s not like it’s that far, _hyung_ … please?”

“Okay… let’s do it,” Jooheon replied.“But if we’re late, I’m telling Hyunwoo- _hyung_ that it was your idea.”

Changkyun smiled, nodding.“Don’t worry, _hyung_ … I’ll take the blame if anything goes wrong.”

It was cool outside, and Changkyun couldn’t help smiling at the soft breeze that hit what little skin he didn’t have covered for the sake of protecting his identity.Although they weren’t exactly popular yet, their managers had insisted that they all try to hide their identities whenever they were walking to and from the dorm so that no one would figure out where they were living.While they still had _some_ degree of freedom - they wouldn’t get into trouble for choosing to walk back to the dorm, since they’d notified their manager before leaving the company building - there were still a lot more rules than Changkyun had been used to with his previous company.The biggest difference, however, was the fact that the rules at Starship at least made sense, unlike some of the rules he’d followed with his previous company.

By the time they’d made it back to the dorm, it was a few minutes after ten.Luckily, Hyunwoo didn’t look at all upset, although Changkyun could tell that Kihyun was holding back from scolding the two of them.“You’re late…” Kihyun began.

“Sorry, _hyung_ … Changkyun- _ah_ really wanted to walk home tonight,” Jooheon replied.

“I just really wanted some fresh air,” Changkyun explained.“We didn’t mean to be late… it just took a little longer to walk than I’d anticipated.”

“They’re only a couple of minutes late… it’s not that big of a deal, Kihyun- _ah_ ,” Hyunwoo commented.“All that matters is that they’re home at a reasonable hour.You guys told the managers you were walking, right?”Changkyun nodded quickly in response to the question.“Go get washed up, then.We’ve got an early morning tomorrow, and I want everyone to be well-rested.”

Changkyun did as he was told, hurrying to shower and climb into his top bunk before pulling out his iPod to check his messages.

 

 

**_Jisoo (2121)_ **

_Yeah, I know how that goes._

_It’s hard to keep track when we’re working seven days a week._

_At least it’s only for a few weeks at a time, and then things go back to normal._

 

**_Jisoo (2144)_ **

_Changkyun-_ ah _?_

 

**_Jisoo (2145)_ **

_I’m guessing you’re without wifi since you aren’t answering me._

 

 

“ _Yah_ … Changkyun- _ah_ , put the iPod away and go to sleep!”

 

 

**Sorry.**

**Jooheon- _hyung_ and I had to clean up and walk home.**

**And now Kihyun- _hyung_ is going to take my iPod if I don’t shut it down.**

**See you tomorrow?**

 

 

Changkyun didn’t wait for a response, shutting his iPod down and plugging it in for the night before turning to face the wall and go to sleep.


	43. Chance Encounter

“Surprise!”Changkyun looked up at the sound of Jisoo speaking English to him backstage, smiling as he saw a bag of Starburst that had clearly been sent from the older man’s family in Los Angeles.“My parents sent me a box full of food from home, and I figured I’d share some of the goods.”

Changkyun smiled as Jisoo sat down in the folding chair next to him, opening up the bag and holding it out for Changkyun to take a piece of candy.“Thanks.I haven’t had the American version in years…”Changkyun unwrapped a yellow Starburst, popping it in his mouth.

“My mom loves to send me food randomly - she thinks I don’t eat enough when I’m here,” Jisoo replied.“I normally end up sharing most of it with the rest of the group, but I thought you might appreciate some of it.Although it weirds me out that your first choice is to go for the yellow one…”

Changkyun smiled.“I like yellow Starburst… they’re under appreciated,” he replied.

“You’re so weird…” Jisoo replied, shaking his head as he unwrapped a pink Starburst of his own.“Who actually _likes_ the yellow ones?”

“I like yellow Skittles, too,” Changkyun replied, smiling and shaking his head.

“Changkyun- _ah_ … it’s your turn.”Changkyun looked up at the sound of Hyungwon’s voice, sighing when he realized that he had to go get his make up done.

“Right… that’s my cue.Thanks for the candy,” Changkyun commented.

“You can always come back for more when you’re done getting your makeup done,” Jisoo replied, waving him away as Changkyun moved to sit down in the makeup chair and let the stylists do their work.

“You seem pretty close with Joshua- _ssi_ ,” Kihyun commented, from his place in the other makeup chair.

“He’s nice,” Changkyun replied, ignoring the implied question in Kihyun’s comment.“It’s nice to have someone I can speak English with… he reminds me of some of my friends from the States.”

Changkyun could see Kihyun nodding slightly in the mirror.“I didn’t realize you knew him that well…”

“ _Hyung_ … he’s just a friend,” Changkyun replied.“I should have been trying to make friends outside of the group and EXO- _hyungs_ a long time ago.Everyone else has other people that they trust and they can go to when things get tough… people outside of our group.I need someone like Jisoo- _yah_ in my life.Someone who isn’t at all connected with the shit that’s happened to me, and who just wants to be my friend.”

There was a moment of silence, before Kihyun spoke up.“I just worry about you, because of what happened with EXO- _sunbaenims_ ,” Kihyun replied.“That started off as just a friendship, too, and it ended up really hurting you.”

“It’s not like I’m going over there and spending all of my time with them… Jisoo- _yah_ and I text each other, and we occasionally hang out backstage when we see each other.It’s not like he or anyone in his group would even think about courting me… I’ve barely even interacted with anyone else from his pack,” Changkyun replied.Changkyun could see Kihyun in the mirror, clearly thinking about what Changkyun was saying.“I’m not looking to be courted by anyone else, _hyung_.I just want someone to talk to who doesn’t have an agenda for a change.It’s not like I really have anyone…”

“We don’t…”

“Please don’t lie to me, _hyung_ ,” Changkyun interrupted.“If you’re part of a pack that’s courting me, you have an agenda.Jisoo- _yah_ doesn’t have anything like that in mind.”

There was a moment of silence, before Kihyun was sent to finish getting ready elsewhere and his chair was filled by Hyunwoo instead.The alpha was much less likely to question him about what was going on, and Changkyun relaxed a bit as the stylist put the finishing touches on his hair and makeup for the day’s filming.

“You’re doing okay, right, Changkyun- _ah_?” Hyunwoo asked, as Changkyun was finally allowed out of the stylist’s chair.

“Yeah.I’m fine, _hyung_ ,” Changkyun replied.“I’m going to go down the hall to buy a drink… do you want anything?”

“I’m good,” Hyunwoo responded.“Don’t go too far, okay?We only have about twenty minutes before our rehearsal slot.”Changkyun nodded, before grabbing some money from his bag and heading down the hall to the nearest vending machine.He was in the middle of picking his drink when he heard a familiar voice from behind.

“Changkyun- _ah_?”

Changkyun didn’t want to turn around at the sound of Junmyeon’s voice; he didn’t really want to see the older man, for fear that it would bring back all of the emotions that he’d managed to work through.But at the same time, it would be rude to completely ignore the older man and Changkyun couldn’t help turning around to face the alpha.“It’s good to see you, Changkyun- _ah_ ,” Junmyeon replied softly, smiling at him.

“How are you doing?” Changkyun asked.

Junmyeon nodded slowly.“We’re doing okay… how are you?”

“I’m fine,” Changkyun replied.“I should go… we have rehearsal in a few minutes, and I promised that I wouldn’t be gone long…”

“Right, yeah… I have to head back, too,” Junmyeon replied, shaking his head.“I just… I want to apologize…”

“You don’t have to do that, _hyung_ ,” Changkyun interrupted, shaking his head.“Zitao- _ssi_ explained everything…”

Junmyeon seemed shocked by Changkyun’s words.“You’ve spoken to Zitao- _yah_?”Changkyun realized that it made sense that Junmyeon wouldn’t know anything about the letter.It had been postmarked from somewhere in China, and Changkyun should have known that their pack wouldn’t be in contact with the man after everything that had happened.

“He wrote me a letter,” Changkyun replied.“I’m not upset with the rest of the pack, _hyung_.I understand why you all did what you did, especially after reading that letter.But I still need some space.I’m trying to work through my own issues, and figure out who I am.”

“I understand,” Junmyeon replied, nodding.“I just… I really am sorry, Changkyun- _ah_.We never meant to hurt you.”

“ _Yah_ … Changkyun- _ah_ , your leader is looking for you!”Changkyun looked up at the sound of Jisoo’s voice from the far end of the corridor, thankful for his new friend’s apparent decision that he needed to be rescued from the situation at hand.The beta hurried towards them, smiling at Junmyeon and bowing quickly.“I’m sorry for interrupting, _sunbaenim_ , but they really need Changkyun- _ah_ back in the dressing room.”

“I should go,” Changkyun added, quickly picking a random drink from the machine and grabbing it once it had fallen down.“I’ll see you around, _hyung_.”

As soon as they were away from the alpha, Changkyun felt Jisoo put a hand on his shoulder and stop him.“You okay?You looked a little uncomfortable back there…”

Changkyun nodded smiling at his friend.“I’m fine.”

“I know it isn’t my place to ask a lot of questions, but if you ever want to talk about what happened, you know that I’m here for you.You’re my friend…” Jisoo began.

“I appreciate that, Jisoo- _yah_.I’m not really ready to talk about it with people who aren’t already involved, but you’ll definitely be the first person I call if that changes,” Changkyun replied. 

“Right… I think you need some more Starburst before you actually have to go to rehearsal.”


	44. Stay

Life was even more hectic following “Rush” promotions, something that Changkyun hadn’t even thought possible.Although they had performed “Hero” a couple of times as their B track at the beginning of the promotion period, the company had decided to film a special video as a gift to Monbebe and it had exploded in popularity - partially, Changkyun was sure, thanks to Hyunwoo and Hoseok’s abs.So instead of resting or preparing to have another release before the end of year stages began, they had spent several weeks polishing up “Hero” to promote again.It had been a short promotion period, but just as stressful as either of their actual title tracks, and it had been followed almost immediately by filming for a reality show the company had arranged.Everyone’s stress levels had been higher than ever sincethey had to start working on their performances for the upcoming awards shows and _gayos_ they had been invited to.Even though their first big show was over, there were still a _lot_ of performances left before they could really take a break.

“Five minutes, and then we run it again.”Changkyun nodded at Hyunwoo’s instructions, hurrying over to his things to grab a bottle of water despite the nagging ache in his left leg, just above his ankle.It had been bothering him ever since they’d finished with “Hero” promotions, but he’d been doing his best to just ignore the pain despite the fact that it had been getting progressively worse.They had promises to perform that they had to keep, and given the fact that they were remixing everything they’d already performed to try and make their performances better there really wasn’t time for him to take off and rest until the pain went away.It wasn’t as bad as it had been when he’d sprained his ankle before debut, so he didn’t even bother to tell his _hyungs_ or anyone at the company that his leg was hurting him again.

“You okay, Changkyun- _ah_?”Changkyun turned to see Hyungwon watching him, with a concerned look on his face a few minutes into their break.“You kind of looked like you were hurting that last run…”

Changkyun shook his head.“I’m fine, _hyung_.Just a little sore,” Changkyun replied.“We’ve been working a lot harder than normal, and I’m probably just not drinking enough water.”

Hyungwon didn’t seem all that convinced by his words, but the beta also didn’t quite seem ready to push him further.“Take it easy, okay?We have a lot coming up in the next few weeks, and you don’t want to make yourself sick or get hurt…”Changkyun nodded in response to the beta’s advice, drinking some more of his water before Hyunwoo called them back to their starting positions.

It wasn’t that the dance itself was any more complicated than what they were used to doing for promotions; but Changkyun was tired, and his leg was hurting more with each run.Changkyun could tell that his _hyungs_ were starting to notice as they ran through “Trespass” again before moving into a dance break.Changkyun wasn’t sure exactly what happened as he found himself collapsing to the floor in a flash of intense pain.

Changkyun could feel the tears streaming down his face before he even really registered that he was crying.“ _Aish_ … don’t move, Changkyun- _ah_ ,” Hoseok said, as the alpha rushed to his side while someone else cut the music.“What happened?”

“I d-don’t know…” Changkyun replied, wincing as one of their backup dancers started to take his shoe off.“Don’t… it hurts…”

“I’ll get manager- _hyung_ ,” Minhyuk commented, hurrying out of the room. 

Changkyun winced as the dancer who had been messing with his shoe carefully lifted the leg of his sweatpants so that he could see what was going on.“There’s already swelling starting, but it’s too high for it to be your ankle…” the dancer commented, before looking up at Hyunwoo.“We need to keep him still, so that it doesn’t end up displaced…”

“Displaced?” Changkyun asked, feeling sick to his stomach as Hyunwoo sat down next to him, putting an arm around his shoulders.

“It looks like something might be broken,” the dancer replied.“Was your leg hurting at all before this happened?”

Changkyun closed his eyes, letting his face drop.“It was sore…” he admitted softly.“I didn’t think it would be a problem…”

“ _Aish_ … Changkyun- _ah_ , why didn’t you tell us?” Hyunwoo asked softly, rubbing his back with one hand as he moved to help the dancer that had been on the floor with Changkyun hold him still.

“I don’t understand… how is it possible for him to break his leg just dancing?” Hoseok asked.“There’s no reason for that to happen…”

“Stress fracture.If it’s been there for a while, it’s possible that there’s just been so much pressure on the injury that it broke fully,” Hyunwoo replied.“It’s the same ankle he hurt before we debuted, too…”

“What do we do?” Jooheon asked.

“For now, we keep him still and as comfortable as possible until the ambulance gets here,” Hyunwoo replied.“Hyungwon- _ah_ , go help Minhyuk- _ah_ find a manager, and let them know that we need to call an ambulance… Hoseok- _ah_ , can you find something to keep him warm?He’s shaking…”

Changkyun hadn’t even realized that he was starting to shiver until the older man pointed it out.“I’m okay…” Changkyun replied, shaking his head.

“You have a broken leg and you’re shaking.You aren’t okay,” Jooheon interrupted.

Changkyun closed his eyes as he felt Hoseok placing his coat around his shoulders, and the alpha stroked a hand through his hair.“Is there anything I can do, Changkyun- _ah_?”

“Stay.”

“No one is going to leave unless they have to,” Hyunwoo commented, attempting to reassure him. “At least not until the ambulance arrives.”

“How is he doing?”Changkyun looked up at the sound of the manager’s voice, thankful when he saw the man hurrying into the room with Minhyuk right behind him.“How are you feeling, Changkyun- _ah_?” the man asked, kneeling down next to Hoseok.

“It really hurts,” Changkyun admitted, closing his eyes again.

“He said that his leg was bothering him before he fell,” Hyunwoo added.

“ _Aish_ … why didn’t you tell anyone, Changkyun- _ah_?” their manager asked.“If you’re hurt, you need to tell us…”

“ _Mianheyo_ ,” Changkyun replied, not looking up at the older man.He could hear the man sigh at his response.“We didn’t have time… I didn’t think it would get this bad…”

“It would have been better for you to be out for a few weeks to rest, rather than this,” the manager replied.Changkyun couldn’t help feeling guilty for choosing not to tell anyone about the pain he’d been in.“It looks really bad…”

“It’s probably a stress fracture,” one of the dancers commented.“It’s probably going to be a pretty long recovery process, if it’s gotten this bad…”

Changkyun could feel the panic starting to set in as he realized exactly how serious the situation was, and he found himself struggling to breathe.“He’s panicking… Changkyun- _ah_ , breathe…” Hoseok began, taking Changkyun’s hand and holding it against his chest.“Breathe, pup… it’s going to be okay.We’ll figure it all out, and it’ll be okay.”


	45. Out of Options

“I’m afraid the news isn’t good,” the doctor commented, as he returned to the small curtained area where Changkyun had been waiting to find out just how serious his injuries were.He’d been there for a while, with his leg still in the air splint that the paramedics had used to stabilize it.While he’d been given something for the pain, as well as medication to help him avoid having another panic attack, it was still uncomfortable and he was ready to at least find out what was going on.“You have a displaced anterior stress fracture.It’s likely been getting progressively worse for some time, until today the stress became too much and the bone snapped…”

Changkyun felt sick at the man’s explanation.“How bad is it?” Changkyun asked, even though he wasn’t completely sure that he _wanted_ to know.

“I’ve never seen a fracture of this type that was this severe,” the doctor replied.“I would highly recommend that we operate.The chances of being able to reduce this fracture without surgery are almost nonexistent, and even if we could the likelihood of this fracture healing properly is slim.You won’t be able to dance again unless we operate… and honestly, even with surgery I can’t guarantee that you’ll ever be able to perform at the same level…”

Changkyun couldn’t hear anything else that the man said at that moment; he was too stuck on the fact that his career might be over before it was even really begun.“If I can’t dance, I’ll lose my job…”

“Then surgery is really the only option we have,” the doctor replied.

There was a moment of silence, before Changkyun took a deep breath.“When?”

“Because you’re stable, the plan right now is to wait for tomorrow morning,” the doctor replied.“We will be keeping an eye on your vitals and making sure that your condition doesn’t deteriorate.But your surgery won’t be considered an emergency unless something changes about your condition over the next few hours.”

Changkyun nodded, closing his eyes.“How long am I going to be out to recover from this?”

“We’re looking at six weeks of no weight-bearing on that leg, followed by several weeks of physical therapy.Once you’re able to put weight on it again, the physical therapist will be able to give you a better idea of how long it will be before you can get back to work, or if that’s even something that will be possible…”

“I _have_ to work again,” Changkyun replied, shaking his head.“I don’t have a back-up plan…”

“I can’t make any guarantees.The healing process from this type of fracture is long and intense.But I can assure you that choosing the surgery is your best option for having a chance at returning to work,” the doctor replied.“Someone will come down soon and take you to a room for the night, so that you’ll be able to get some rest.You won’t be allowed anything to eat or drink after midnight, so you’ll receive all of your medication via the IV that was placed earlier.”

“How long am I going to be in the hospital?” Changkyun asked.

“That depends on a lot of factors,” the doctor replied.“Ideally, you’ll be released the day after surgery - we want to make sure that you’re able to manage your pain, and we want to make sure that you’ll be able to get around without having to put any weight on your leg.If there are any complications, or if you get bumped for an emergency, it may not happen that quickly.”Changkyun nodded, realizing that there was no way he would be able to get out of the surgery the following morning.“I’m going to let you get some rest now.We’ll go over everything else you need to know before you consent to the surgery.”

Changkyun nodded again, knowing that the doctor was doing everything he could for Changkyun in that moment.It was hardly the doctor’s fault that he’d chosen not to seek medical attention when his leg had first started to bother him.“Thank you.”

Changkyun didn’t really move as he heard the doctor leave, nor did he respond when someone else opened the curtain to come into the area until he felt someone taking his hand.“Changkyun- _ah_?Are you awake?”

“I don’t want to talk about it, _hyung_ ,” Changkyun replied, instantly recognizing Hyungwon’s voice.

“Then we don’t have to talk about it,” the beta replied.“But I am supposed to let the other guys know what’s going on and how you’re doing.”

“My leg is broken and I need surgery tomorrow if I ever want to dance again,” Changkyun replied.“I can’t put any weight on my foot for at least six weeks, and I’m going to be out for a few _months_.”Changkyun felt tears beginning to sting at his eyes, shaking his head.“I fucked up so badly, _hyung_ … I’m never going to be able to make up for this one…”

“Why do you have to make up for any of it?” Hyungwon asked.“Changkyun- _ah_ , it isn’t like you did anything on purpose… we all know that you didn’t mean to get injured.You made a mistake, but that isn’t the end of the world.”

“It could be the end of my career…” Changkyun began.

“But it _won’t_ be,” Hyungwon interrupted.“So what if you can’t dance after this?You’re a rapper.You can still make it without having to dance… whether that’s with Monsta X or as a soloist.Heechul- _sunbaenim_ doesn’t dance any more.”

“Heechul- _sunbaenim_ was already successful before he got injured,” Changkyun replied.“Besides, he’s good at variety shows, too.I’m not good at anything else…”

“Changkyun- _ah_ , you’ll figure it out,” Hyungwon replied.“You’re smart, you can always go back to school.But it’s too early for you to be thinking that you might not be coming back, when you haven’t even given yourself a chance to start to heal.You’re stressing yourself out about things that may not even happen, when you should just be focusing on what’s going on right now and what you need to do, which is rest.”

Changkyun closed his eyes again, sighing.“Will you stay with me for a while, _hyung_?I don’t want to be alone.”

“Of course, Changkyun- _ah_.I’ll stay as long as I can.”The beta sat down on the side of his bed, putting an arm around Changkyun’s shoulders and starting to stroke his hair.“Do you need anything?I can call manager- _hyung_ if there’s anything you want from the dorm…”

“I need to call _eomma_ …” Changkyun began.

“Manager- _hyung_ already called your parents to let them know you were injured.He’s going to call them back once he’s talked to the doctor, to let them know what the final diagnosis is,” Hyungwon replied.“If you want to talk to them, you can probably get him to call from here…”

“I don’t want them to think they need to come…” Changkyun began.“I love my parents, but I don’t think I can handle seeing them right now…”

Changkyun felt Hyungwon leaning down to press a kiss against the top of his head.“You can ask them not to come - you don’t _have_ to see them, if you don’t want to…”

“I love my parents…” Changkyun began softly.

“No one said you didn’t,” Hyungwon replied.“But you said yourself that their choices contributed to all of the mental health issues you’ve had the past several months.No one is going to blame you for needing more time to process all of that.”Changkyun nodded, taking a deep breath and letting his head lean against the beta’s chest.The exhaustion of the day’s insanity was finally starting to hit him, and he felt fairly sure that he was going to be asleep before anyone came in to take him to his hospital room.“Get some rest, okay?I’ll stay as long as I can.”


	46. Rest

Changkyun closed his eyes as the manager helped him lift his injured leg up onto the couch.Although the temporary cast he’d been given wasn’t heavy, he was exhausted from climbing up the stairs to their dorm and he really couldn’t do it on his own.The painkillers that had been prescribed for him certainly didn’t help, either, given the fact that they basically knocked him out within an hour of taking them.“Do you need anything else?” the manager asked.

“Would you get me a bottle of water, please?” Changkyun asked, relaxing back into the couch so that he could try and get some rest.

“Of course,” the manager replied, as he finished positioning a couple of pillows underneath Changkyun’s leg to help with the swelling.“Do you want anything to eat?I have some time before I have to go pick up the other guys.”

“I’m okay,” Changkyun replied, shaking his head.“I just want to sleep, honestly.The medication makes me tired.”

“I’ll leave something on the table for later, so that you have something to eat when it’s time for the next dose, then,” the manager commented.“You can go ahead and sleep.I’ll make sure that the rest of the guys know to keep it down when they come in later, in case you’re sleeping when they get home.”

Changkyun nodded, shifting around slightly so that he was a bit more comfortable.While sleeping on the couch was far from ideal, Changkyun’s upper bunk was definitely _not_ an option as long as he wasn’t allowed to put weight on his broken leg.The couch was at least reasonably comfortable, and Changkyun drifted off to sleep before the manager was able to come back into the living room.

There was a hand gently stroking through his hair as Changkyun began to wake up, along with soft voices whispering from somewhere nearby.“… sleeping so peacefully.I hate to wake him up…”

“He needs to take his medication, and he needs to eat something,” Kihyun replied softly.“We can’t let him get as sick as he was a few months ago again…”

There was a sigh.“I know that you’re right… but it doesn’t make me feel any better about disturbing him when he’s actually getting some decent rest,” Hoseok commented.Changkyun felt the hand in his hair still, and he slowly opened his eyes to look up at the alpha.“Hey, pup… how are you feeling?”

“I’m okay,” Changkyun replied, yawning widely and stretching as much as he could given the fact that he couldn’t really move his left leg.“How is the dance coming?”

“ _Yah_ … don’t worry about that,” Hoseok replied, shaking his head.“Do you need anything?”

“Can you hand me my water?” Changkyun asked, slowly pulling himself up into a seated position.His leg was starting to ache, and he knew that it was probably well past the time he should have taken his pain medication.“And one of the pain pills, please…”

“I’ll give you the water now, but you need to wait until you’ve eaten something before you take the pain pills,” Hoseok replied, as he turned to grab the bottle their manager had left on the table behind him.“They’re pretty rough on your stomach.And Kihyun- _ah_ is almost finished with making dinner.”

Changkyun nodded, taking the water bottle and taking a few sips as he felt Hoseok adjusting some pillows behind his back.“Thank you, _hyung_.”

“Don’t mention it,” Hoseok replied, leaning in and pressing a kiss against Changkyun’s temple.“We want to take care of you, you know?Even if you end up deciding not to join our pack, we all really love and care about you.You’ll still be our _maknae_.”

“ _If_ this works…” Changkyun replied, motioning to the cast on his leg.“If I can’t come back, I’ll have to leave the group…”

“ _Yah_ … not this again.”Changkyun looked up at the sound of Hyungwon’s voice, turning away slightly as the beta moved to sit down behind him and moved the pillows again so that Changkyun could lean back against his chest.“I already told you, you’re getting ahead of yourself.You _just_ got out of the hospital.Why don’t you wait to hear from the physical therapist before you start going there?”

“I need a plan…”

“You need to take care of yourself,” Kihyun interrupted, as the elder beta walked into the room with a bowl of noodles.“That means eating, taking your medication, and resting.Everything else can wait.”

Changkyun nodded, turning to look down at his lap.“Did you take your other meds today?” Hoseok asked softly.

“They gave them to me this morning at the hospital,” Changkyun replied, nodding as he took the bowl and a pair of chopsticks from Kihyun.“They’re working, if that’s what you’re worried about.I’m not happy, obviously, but I’m okay.I’m not drowning under the weight of everything right now like I was before they changed my medication.”

“Eat now… we can talk later, once you’ve been able to take your pain meds,” Kihyun commented.

Changkyun did as he was told, starting to eat as the rest of the group joined them with their own bowls to eat dinner.The only real noise was the sound of chopsticks clicking against the dishes as they all ate.Every few minutes, someone would put something from the dishes on the table into Changkyun’s bowl, since he couldn’t reach, but otherwise they all seemed content to just focus on their meals.

The pain flared up significantly as Changkyun attempted to put his bowl on the table, and he couldn’t help moaning at the sensation.“Changkyun- _ah_?” Kihyun asked.

“It hurts, _hyung_ …” he whined softly, closing his eyes and leaning back into the couch cushions.

“ _Aish_ … I’ll get the painkillers, okay?” 

Kihyun was gone a moment later, and Changkyun felt someone else moving to take his hand.“It’s okay, pup… you’re going to be okay,” Jooheon soothed, letting Changkyun grip his hand to deal with the pain.“We should have woken him up earlier…”

Changkyun shook his head.“No… I shouldn’t have moved,” Changkyun replied.“It was a bad idea…”

“It’s okay,” Hyunwoo added.Changkyun could hear that the alpha had moved closer to him, although he wasn’t sure exactly where Hyunwoo was.“Kihyun- _ah_ is getting your medication.It’ll help…”

The beta was back with him quickly, placing one of the pills in Changkyun’s hand.He was quick to pop the pill in his mouth, taking the bottle of water when Hyunwoo offered it and using it to wash down the medication.“Thank you, _hyungs_ …”

“Don’t mention it… do you want us to leave and let you get some rest?” Hyunwoo asked.Changkyun shook his head.“You want us to stay?”

“I just don’t want to be alone,” Changkyun replied, squeezing Jooheon’s hand again.“I’ll be okay when you have to go work, but I don’t like being all by myself.I just want someone to be with me when you guys can be here…”

“Don’t worry… you can sleep in my bed, so that you don’t have to be out here alone all night,” Jooheon replied.

“And I’ll switch rooms and take the empty bed,” Kihyun added.“I’m a lighter sleeper than either of your roommates, so I’m more likely to hear if you need anything during the night.”

Changkyun nodded, thankful for his _hyungs_ and the fact that they had solutions ready to deal with his worries.“Those painkillers will probably start to kick in pretty quickly.Why don’t you close your eyes and try to get some rest?I can take you into the other room and put you to bed when it’s time, if you aren’t awake,” Hyunwoo commented.Changkyun nodded as the alpha ran a hand through his hair to comfort him, letting his eyes close as he waited for the medication to really kick in and get rid of his pain.

There was a brief moment of silence, before Jooheon spoke up.“This is normal, right?” the omega asked.

“Any kind of surgery is painful - he was in a lot of pain when the break actually happened, and they put screws into his bone to hold the pieces together,” Hyunwoo explained.“It’s going to hurt for a while, and he’s going to need the painkillers to handle it.”

“It’s not anything to worry about, Jooheon- _ah_ ,” Kihyun replied.“As long as we’re around to help him with managing the pain and the medication, he’ll be okay.”


	47. Do You Love Us?

“Changkyun- _ah_ … you need to wake up…”Changkyun groaned at Kihyun’s voice, trying to turn away from the beta and whimpering as he felt pain shoot through his leg again.“Come on, pup… you have a doctor’s appointment while we’re at practice this morning, and we’re going to have to leave in an hour.Unless you want to go to the doctor in your pajamas, it’s time to get up.”

Changkyun forced his eyes open, wincing at the brightness of the room that he hadn’t noticed before that.“ _Hyung_ …”

“You need a shower, and you can’t do that on your own right now,” Kihyun replied.“Do you need a dose of the painkillers first?”

“I need more sleep,” Changkyun replied, closing his eyes again.“Jooheon- _hyung_ gave me a dose around five…”

“No wonder it was so hard to wake you up,” Kihyun commented.“I’m going to get you some coffee, okay?Then we’re going to get you out of bed and get you ready to go.”Changkyun groaned at the thought, covering his eyes with his arm.“I know you’re annoyed right now, but you’ll feel better once you’ve gotten cleaned up and into some fresh clothes.”

“If I have to wake up, Changkyunnie, then so do you,” Minhyuk commented, as the eldest omega climbed into the bed with him.“

“You just climbed back into bed, _hyung_ ,” Changkyun replied, although he did curl into the elder’s side as much as he could despite the fact that he couldn’t really move his left leg.“I just want to sleep…”

“I’m just over here to cuddle with you and make sure that you don’t fall asleep again,” Minhyuk replied. 

“Cuddling is definitely _not_ the way to keep me awake…” Changkyun replied, sighing as he relaxed further into Minhyuk’s side.

“I could tickle you…” Minhyuk began.

“But you won’t, because it might make my leg hurt,” Changkyun commented, opening his eyes and smiling up at the older man.“Do I really have to get up?I don’t want to move, _hyung_ …”

“I’m afraid you have to,” Minhyuk replied, pressing a kiss against his cheek.“You should be getting the staples out today, right?Doesn’t that mean that you’ll get a real cast?”

Changkyun shrugged.“I don’t really know what’s going to happen… I know they told me, but I’ve been on so many pain meds since I broke my leg that I can’t really keep track of all of it,” he replied.

“I’m sorry,” Minhyuk replied, stroking a hand through Changkyun’s hair.“This all has to really suck… not being able to participate in everything and constantly being in pain.I wish I could take it instead of you - that I was the one that got hurt.At least having to perform without me wouldn’t make as much of a difference…”

Changkyun couldn’t help the nagging feeling of worry at Minhyuk’s tone of voice, but the elder omega was starting to get up.“ _Hyung_ , wait…” Changkyun began.Minhyuk stopped, turning to look at him.“You know that Monsta X needs you, right?You’re an important part of the team…”

“Changkyun- _ah_ , I know that you’re just trying to be nice to me…”

“No, I’m not, _hyung_ ,” Changkyun replied, shaking his head.“You’re our mood-maker.You help us deal with all of the hard shit we have to go through, and you make us smile even when things are tough.Monbebe love you. _We_ love you.”

“But you don’t love us enough to pick us.”

Changkyun sighed, closing his eyes.While that wasn’t exactly what he was expecting from the older man, Changkyun had a pretty good idea of where the conversation was going at that point.“That isn’t what this is about,” Changkyun replied, shaking his head. “I’m still not in a good place to make that kind of decision, _hyung_.I still have a lot of things to work through, and I can’t just make a decision because everyone else is impatient.I have to do this on my own time.”

Minhyuk shook his head.“I don’t want to pressure you… none of us want to do that.But it’s really hard to be patient,” the elder omega replied.

“Imagine how it feels for me,” Changkyun replied, shaking his head.“I want to be okay.I want to be normal.But I can’t just make myself ready to choose.I can’t just will for it to all be fixed, and for me to be ready to move on.It isn’t that easy…”

There was another moment of silence, before Kihyun came back into the room with a bottle of water, a cup of coffee, and a packet of pills.“You need to take your suppressants, too… the last thing we want is for you to end up going through a heat while your leg is still healing,” the beta commented, giving Changkyun the bottle and packet of pills first and waiting for Changkyun to take his medication before he passed over the cup of coffee.“Minhyuk- _ah_ , the shower is open if you want to go use it.Just make it quick, so that Changkyun- _ah_ can have a chance to get cleaned up before we leave, too.”

Minhyuk nodded, starting to leave the room before he turned around to face Changkyun.“You know that I care about you, Changkyun- _ah_.I didn’t say any of that because I wanted to hurt you.”

“I know, _hyung_ ,” Changkyun replied, shaking his head.“I just need you to understand that I’m not there yet.I don’t know when, or even _if_ I’m going to get to that point.And I need you to realize that I can’t control that.”

Changkyun could see the confusion on Kihyun’s face as Minhyuk finally left to go get a shower.“Do I even want to know what that was all about?” Kihyun asked softly.

“It’s nothing, _hyung_ ,” Changkyun replied, taking a sip of his coffee.

“It didn’t sound like nothing,” Kihyun commented, sitting down on the side of Changkyun’s bunk.“Honestly, it sounded like the two of you were about to have another really shitty conversation, and I’d be willing to be that Minhyuk- _ah_ started it again…”

Changkyun was silent for a few moments, sipping on his coffee as Kihyun watched him closely.“Do you think that I don’t love you, _hyung_?” he finally asked, keeping his voice low enough so that no one else would hear their conversation.

“What do you mean?”

“The fact that I haven’t made a choice yet, even though you’re the only pack courting me at this point… do you think that means that I don’t love the six of you?” Changkyun elaborated, watching the beta’s face.

Kihyun seemed confused by the question, but his facial expression changed quickly as he figured out what Changkyun’s question actually meant.“Changkyun- _ah_ … is that what Minhyuk- _ah_ was saying to you just now?That you don’t love us because you haven’t chosen us?You know that isn’t true, don’t you?”

“I know, _hyung_ ,” Changkyun replied, nodding.“ _Hyung_ wasn’t saying it to upset me.He just… Minhyuk- _hyung_ doesn’t understand.He doesn’t realize that as hard as it is for all of you to wait, it’s that much harder for _me_.I _want_ to make a decision.I _want_ to belong to a pack.But after everything that’s happened, I know that it isn’t a good idea for me to push myself to be ready for that when I’m still trying to fix everything that’s wrong up here.”Changkyun pointed at his temple as he spoke, closing his eyes.“I don’t think I’m in a good place to be making those kinds of decisions right now.The last thing I want is to hurt anyone in the pack…”

“Which proves that you _do_ love us, at least on some level,” Kihyun replied.“Whether it’s enough for you to be a part of our pack in the end is up to you.But you _do_ love us - you’re not just thinking about your own desire to belong to a pack, but you’re also thinking about whether or not your decision is right for _us_ , too.Love is a lot more than just what goes on within a pack.”Changkyun nodded, considering what Kihyun was saying to him.“Do what you need to do - take the time you need to take.Anyone who really loves you will give you the time you need to come to the right decision.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just as an FYI - Camp NaNoWriMo begins tomorrow, and I've decided that I'll be participating this year!
> 
> Unfortunately, this means that I will likely NOT be updating this story in July; I only just finished writing this chapter, and I very well may not have time to work on this project again until August. IF I finish my NaNo project before the end of the month, then obviously I'll be back writing and updating my other in progress projects. But I just wanted to let you all know that I may not be updating here again for a bit, so that I can meet my NaNo goal!


	48. Nothing Good

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm BAACK!!
> 
> My posting schedule is going to be all kinds of crazy from here on out because of work (I have to go back in two weeks, and my production schedule has DOUBLED this year and next year...). But hey, at least you're getting an update for the first time in a month, right?
> 
> For the record, I failed NaNo. With two big trips AND moving house, I just didn't have the energy to make myself do it. Also - DO NOT KILL YOUR BIAS IN A STORY. Seriously, that NaNo project will NEVER see the light of day because it just makes me sad (and my roommate loves to tease me about it...).

Changkyun watched from the side as his _hyungs_ worked through one of their new choreographies for another end of year stage, wishing that he could be with them in the middle of the dance floor rather than watching from the side.It had taken him a couple of weeks to convince their managers that he would be okay coming to rehearsals despite the fact that he wasn’t able to dance - Changkyun had gotten bored waiting at the dorm by himself all the time, given the fact that there wasn’t a manager who could be there with him constantly, and he’d finally managed to convince everyone that he could help out by running the music during dance practices or at least work in his studio on trying to write while the others were busy.

“Let’s go again… we need to get this right tonight.”Changkyun reset the music, waiting for Hyunwoo’s signal to restart at the beginning of the intro track.Changkyun watched silently from his place at the computer, noting how Minhyuk stumbled through a couple of steps, before the older man went down to the floor.Changkyun was quick to cut the music as the older omega cried out in pain, grabbing at his right knee.“Minhyuk- _ah_!”

Changkyun felt helpless as he watched the rest of the group crowd around Minhyuk, knowing that it wouldn’t do any good for him to move over to the older man’s side.He would only be in the way as the rest of the group tried to figure out what had happened.“Hyungwon- _ah_ , go get a manager…” Hoseok called, sending the beta rushing out of the room to follow his instructions.“It’s okay, Minhyukkie… everything is going to be okay.You probably just overdid it…”

“I’m going to get some ice… his knee is already starting to swell…” Kihyun began, before he hurried away as well.With the two betas out of the room, Changkyun could see that Minhyuk was in a lot of pain and all he wanted to do was wrap his arms around the elder omega and tell him that it was going to be alright.Jooheon seemed too distressed by everything going on to really be able to handle what was happening to their _hyung_.Hyunwoo and Hoseok seemed to be handling it well, but Jooheon was clearly starting to freak out.

“Jooheon- _ah_ … why don’t you take Changkyun- _ah_ to your studio?” Hyunwoo suggested after a moment.Changkyun was quick to put the computer away and grab his crutches, hauling himself to his foot so that he could convince Jooheon to leave with him.

“But _hyung_ …” Jooheon began.

“Come on, _hyung_ ,” Changkyun interrupted, ignoring the fact that he was being a bit rude to the elder rapper.“Let’s get out of the way, so that they can take care of Minhyuk- _hyung_.The others have it covered…”

Jooheon glanced back at Minhyuk, who nodded at the rapper despite the fact that he was clearly in pain.“I’ll be okay, Jooheonie… go with Changkyun- _ah_.”

Changkyun was thankful when Jooheon finally nodded, coming to join him as Changkyun made his way out of the practice room just before Hyungwon and Kihyun both arrived back at the practice room door.“ _Yah_ … Jooheon- _ah_ , go find somewhere to calm down,” Kihyun commented, as the eldest beta rushed past the two of them with an ice pack in hand.

“What if he’s really hurt, Changkyun- _ah_?” Jooheon asked, as the two of them made their way down the hall to the small studio space they shared.

“I’m sure he’s fine,” Changkyun replied, even though he hadn’t really seen any of what was going on.Still, Changkyun felt the need to at least _try_ and be optimistic about the situation given the fact that he was the only one of the two of them that wasn’t stressing out about what was going on.“It’s probably just a sprain or something like that… it’ll heal.”

“But… if it’s a sprain, he’s going to end up being out for a while, too…” Jooheon began, as the elder rapper sat down in one of the chairs and motioned for Changkyun to sit.Jooheon was quick to grab Changkyun’s injured foot, lifting it so that it was propped up in his lap since there really wasn’t anywhere else in the room for Changkyun to put it up.He was supposed to still be keeping his ankle elevated as much as possible to prevent it from swelling, but it wasn’t exactly convenient in some of the spaces they worked in.

“But he’ll be back… it may mean missing a few performances, but he’ll still probably be back faster than I am,” Changkyun replied, shaking his head.“Don’t worry too much, _hyung_.I’m sure it’s fine.Minhyuk- _hyung_ is fine.”

Changkyun wasn’t sure how long they sat there, just trying to keep each other calm before Kihyun came into the small room and leaned against the wall.“Hyunwoo- _hyung_ sent me to come get you guys… manager- _hyung_ is getting the van to bring it around so that we can head back to the dorm…” the beta said.

“What about Minhyuk- _hyung_?” Jooheon asked.

“They called an ambulance to take him to the hospital,” Kihyun replied.“Hoseok- _ah_ rode with him for now, but manager- _hyung_ is going to go up there after he drops the rest of us off.”

“Did they say anything about what might be wrong?” Changkyun asked, watching as the beta sighed, closing his eyes.

“They aren’t sure, but one of the paramedics said it could be a torn ligament…”

“ _Aish_ … that’s not good…” Jooheon commented.

“There’s nothing good about anything that’s going on right now,” Kihyun replied, shaking his head.“We should go downstairs…”

Changkyun got to his feet slowly, following his _hyungs_ to the waiting van so that they could head back to the dorm.Everyone else was already waiting for them, and Changkyun was thankful to see that Hyunwoo and Hyungwon had gotten everyone else’s things together to bring them out to the van.“Shouldn’t we keep rehearsing…?” Jooheon began, as they all climbed into the waiting vehicle.“We have so much to do…”

“We don’t know what we’re going to be working with when it’s time to perform,” Hyunwoo replied, shaking his head.“For right now, we’re supposed just go home and get some rest while things get figured out.”

The ride back to the dorm was silent, with everyone silently worrying about what was going to happen for their upcoming performances.Changkyun knew that it was less than ideal to be down one member during the end-of-year showcases, but being down two was almost unheard of.There was no way they could afford to refuse any of the invitations they had been given, which meant that the five uninjured members would be responsible for making sure that they looked good even though they were only going to have a couple of days to figure out how to change everything so that it didn’t look like they were suddenly missing yet another member.

It wasn’t until they got back into the dorm that anyone actually spoke.“What are we going to do with Minhyuk- _hyung_ being out this long?” Hyungwon asked, once they were all seated on the couch with Changkyun’s injured foot propped up in Jooheon’s lap.

“We don’t know anything yet…” Jooheon began.

“You didn’t see how badly his knee was swollen, Jooheon- _ah_ ,” Hyungwon replied, shaking his head.“He could barely move it, either… I don’t think he’s going to be able to walk on it for a while…”

“Hyungwon- _ah_ is right - whatever he did, it’s at least as bad as what happened to Changkyun- _ah_ ’s ankle… maybe even worse,” Hyunwoo replied.“I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I think it’s pretty safe to say that we’re going to be down to five people performing, at least for the foreseeable future.”


	49. Waiting

Changkyun watched from a recliner in Minhyuk’s hospital room as the elder omega slept.He’d volunteered to sit with the older man during the day following the surgery on his injured knee, knowing that Minhyuk would feel better waking up to the face of one of his members rather than a manager.Although a pack member would have been preferable, the other five members of Monsta X were too busy trying to rework all of their choreography for the remainder of their end-of-year stages to work with five members instead of six.Sitting with Minhyuk to make sure that the elder omega was taken care of was really the only thing Changkyun could do to help, and although it was boring he definitely preferred it to sitting around the rehearsal studio or the group’s dorm unable to contribute anything meaningful to Monsta X.

“Kyunnie?”Changkyun looked up, smiling at Minhyuk when he realized that the older man was finally awake after his surgery.

“Hey, _hyung_ … how are you feeling?” Changkyun asked, pulling himself up to stand with his crutches so that he could be a bit closer.

“Thirsty…” Minhyuk commented, closing his eyes again.Changkyun nodded, leaning to roll the bedside table into reach so that he could pour some water into the plastic cup that had been provided and bring the straw to Minhyuk’s lips.The older man began drinking almost immediately, until Changkyun had to pull it away when Minhyuk took a break to breathe.“ _Yah_ …”

“You have to take it slow, _hyung_ ,” Changkyun explained.“You’ll make yourself sick if you drink too fast after you wake up from surgery.”

Minhyuk licked his lips, taking a deep breath and forcing his eyes open.“It went okay?”

Changkyun smiled, nodding.“Your doctor said that everything went well… your knee will need a while to heal, but he expects that with physical therapy you’ll be able to dance again sometime next year…”

“Next year?” Minhyuk whined.Changkyun couldn’t help chuckling slightly.

“ _Hyung_ … it’s already December,” he replied, shaking his head.“You’ll be out at least as long as I am, because your knee needs time to heal for a while before you can actually put any weight on it in physical therapy.But we’re in this together, yeah?We’ll help each other get through all of this.”

Minhyuk raised a hand, not bothering to open his eyes as he extended one pinky finger towards Changkyun.“Promise?”

“I promise,” Changkyun replied, locking his own pinky around Minhyuk’s as he replied.“Try to rest, _hyung_.They’ll have the physical therapists coming to see you tomorrow, and you’re going to want to be well-rested before that happens so that you can focus.You don’t want to do the exercises wrong and accidentally do more damage.”

It didn’t take long for Minhyuk to drift back to sleep, but Changkyun waited a little longer than necessary to make sure his _hyung_ wouldn’t need him again before he moved to sit down again so that he could put his foot up.Although it was getting easier to get around using the crutches that his own injury made necessary, Changkyun still had a little bit of an issue getting up and down without putting any weight on his ankle.

Changkyun glanced at the phone that he’d been given back temporarily as it buzzed to indicate that he had a message from one of their managers asking how Minhyuk was doing and if they needed anything.He typed a quick response back to the man, explaining that the older man had woken up and that everything was fine at the hospital so that the managers wouldn’t worry. 

“You look pretty bored…”Changkyun looked up at the sound of one of the nurses coming into the room, smiling up at the woman as she moved to check Minhyuk’s vitals.

“There really isn’t much to do while _hyung_ is sleeping,” Changkyun replied, putting the phone back down.“He was awake for a couple of minutes, but he fell asleep again after I gave him some water to drink.”

“It’s going to take a while for the anesthesia to get out of his system,” the nurse replied.“He’ll probably be asleep for most of the afternoon.But I have a feeling you’re already pretty familiar with the effects of anesthesia…”

Changkyun nodded, smiling at the woman.“Yeah… it hasn’t been all that long since I was in his position,” he commented, adjusting his foot so that he was sure it was elevated as it was supposed to be.“I guess I won’t be alone in physical therapy in a few weeks…”

“How long do you have to be in the cast?”

“I have two more weeks of being completely non-weight bearing.Beyond that, I’m not really sure what’s going to happen,” Changkyun replied.“I’m supposed to know more once I’ve met with the physical therapist, so that he can determine what has to happen so that I can heal and get back to work.But it’s going to be a while…”

The nurse nodded as she finished up what she was doing, smiling at him.“Hopefully everything will heal quickly for both of you,” the nurse replied.“Is there anything either of you need?”

Changkyun shook his head.“We’re fine, thanks.”

“Alright… just press the call button if either of you need anything,” the nurse replied, before leaving the room.

The rest of the afternoon passed uneventfully; Minhyuk slept most of the time, occasionally waking up for a moment to request some more water and repeat some variation of their original conversation about how his surgery had gone because the anesthesia made it difficult for Minhyuk to remember the details from one conversation to the next.It was somewhat comical, although after a while Changkyun couldn’t help feeling a little uncomfortable with the fact that Minhyuk was so far out of it that he couldn’t keep track of any of the information he’d shared with the elder omega.

“How’s he doing?”Changkyun looked up from the game he’d been playing on the phone at the sound of Hyunwoo’s voice, smiling when he realized that everyone had come to the hospital, bringing what appeared to be dinner for the whole group with them.

“ _Hyung_ ’s been sleeping on and off - he can’t really keep up with anything I tell him from one time he’s awake to the next, but he’s still pretty heavily drugged…” Changkyun began.

“That’s normal though, right?” Jooheon asked, as everyone started finding places to sit and the food began to get passed around among the members.

Changkyun nodded.“His nurse said that it was normal,” he replied, smiling up at Jooheon as the elder rapper handed him one of the plastic containers.“He’ll be awake more tomorrow…”

“We won’t have a chance to come tomorrow, but we’ll make sure that the managers don’t forget to bring you guys food and stuff,” Hyunwoo replied.Changkyun nodded, as he opened his own meal to eat once he was sure that all of the older members were already eating.“If there’s anything specific you want, you can just text the managers.”

“It should be whatever Minhyuk- _hyung_ wants to eat,” Changkyun replied, shaking his head.“He should be hungry, and be able to eat by then.It’s only fair that he should get something that he really wants.”

“I doubt manager- _hyung_ would mind picking up two different meals… you’re both in pretty crummy situations right now, and I don’t think anyone would begrudge the two of you whatever you wanted to eat right now,” Hoseok commented.

Changkyun shook his head.“I can’t just eat whatever I want… if I gain a ton of weight, it will only make it harder for me to get back to work…”

“ _Yah_ … you are _not_ talking about weight,” Kihyun interrupted, shaking his head.“If anything, you’re still too skinny.Don’t think that just because you’re no longer skeletal that we aren’t paying attention to the fact that you still don’t weigh as much as you should…”

“Kihyun- _hyung_ is right… you’re one of the last people who should be talking about watching their weight,” Jooheon replied, shaking his head.“Honestly, I could give you like five kilograms, and you wouldn’t even be close to being too heavy.”

“Let’s not talk about this right now,” Hyunwoo commented softly.“This isn’t exactly the right time to be having a conversation like that - not when we’re tired, and we have a lot of other things going on right now.It isn’t like Changkyun- _ah_ is in any danger.”

“We almost didn’t catch that he was in danger until it was too late, the last time…” Hyungwon replied softly, before he turned to look at Changkyun.“I know you didn’t have an eating disorder, and that you’re getting help for the anxiety and depression that caused all of that in the first place.But it’s really easy to slip into that kind of thinking in this business.We all know it’s happening, whether people want to admit it or not.Himchan- _sunbaenim…_ ”

“ _Yah_ \- we really don’t need to talk about this,” Hoseok replied, shaking his head.“We aren’t going to let that happen to anyone in our group, okay?We’re going to watch out for each other.”


	50. Decisions

“How have you put up with this for a _month_?” Minhyuk whined, as the elder man tried to shift his weight around on the couch to be more comfortable despite the large brace he wore to hold his knee still.Minhyuk had finally been released from the hospital after a few days of recovery from his surgery, and given the fact that it was even more difficult for him to get around than it was for Changkyun, they had both been left back at the dorm for the day while the rest of the group rehearsed for their next performance.

“I wasn’t really given a choice,” Changkyun replied, shaking his head.“And it hasn’t just been a month… I went through this for a while before debut, too, remember?”

Minhyuk shook his head.“This is awful…”

Changkyun shook his head.“It’s okay, _hyung_ \- it’s temporary,” Changkyun reminded the older man.“Just remember, you get to start physical therapy next week once the stitches come out.I have two more weeks before I can put _any_ weight on my leg, and even then it’s going to be limited…”

There was a moment of silence, before Minhyuk spoke again.“This is really driving you nuts, isn’t it?” the elder man asked.

“I was already nuts before this happened, remember?” Changkyun joked, smiling at the older man.“It’s been hard.But it’s putting a lot of things into perspective…”

“What do you mean?” Minhyuk asked.

“I don’t… I know that I need to choose a pack…” Changkyun began.

“You need to take the time to make the right decision,” Minhyuk interrupted, shaking his head.“I was wrong to try and pressure you before… I know that now.It isn’t healthy for you to try and force those feelings, if they aren’t there.Choosing a pack is something special…”

Changkyun shook his head.“That’s just it, _hyung_ … there’s only _one_ choice that makes sense here.I’m not being courted by other packs.And as much as I want to hold out hope that EXO- _sunbaenims_ will come back, they haven’t been here for me.I haven’t heard from any of them since I ran into Junmyeon- _hyung_ at one of our last music shows… they haven’t even asked Jooheon- _hyung_ how I’m doing.But you’ve all been here the whole time.You’ve all been so patient, and you’ve shown me more love than anyone I’ve ever known other than my parents…”

“You had every right to be unsure of our motives… after the way we treated you…” Minhyuk began, trailing off.

“And you all had every reason to hate me,” Changkyun replied, shaking his head.“You didn’t know anything about how I came into the competition, and you’d just lost friends that you’d been training with for months… even years, in some cases.You were already upset, and it isn’t your fault that your first instinct was to hate me.That was on the production crew.They knew that no one was going to take it well if someone new was added into the show at that point.”

“We still could have treated you better…” Minhyuk commented.

Changkyun shook his head.“It doesn’t matter, _hyung_.What matters now is how things have changed.I can see now that you all love me.”

Minhyuk nodded slowly.“What about Seventeen?”

“I’m friends with Jisoo- _yah_.That’s all,” Changkyun replied, shaking his head.“It’s nice to have someone to speak English with, so that I don’t lose that.But I don’t have any sort of feelings for him… at least not the kind of feelings that you should have for someone you want to be part of a pack with.Besides, their pack is already big, and it’s probably just going to get bigger as the rest of them present…”

“EXO’s pack was going to be ten other members…” Minhyuk began.

“Nine, actually, before Zitao- _ssi_ left,” Changkyun corrected.“Jongin- _hyung_ is part of the SHINee pack, which is why I talked to him after they said I should stay away from the EXO pack for a while…”

There was a moment of silence, before Minhyuk spoke up again.“We’re going to support you no matter what choice you make, you know,” the elder omega commented.

“I know.But I think I’m finally ready to make my decision,” Changkyun replied.“I’ve had a lot of time to think about everything since I’ve been out of rehearsals.There are a lot of things that I didn’t consider at first… things that I realize now are more important than what happened between us all in the past.”

“When are you going to tell the others?” Minhyuk asked.

“After the _gayos_ end,” Changkyun replied, smiling.“I decided a couple of days ago, while I was sitting with you in the hospital.But I wanted to sit with it for a few days, to make sure that it was what I really wanted to do.The longer I think about it, the more I _know_ I’m making the right decision.”

“You don’t want to tell them tonight?” Minhyuk asked. 

Changkyun could see that the older man didn’t understand his reasoning, and he shook his head.“I want to wait until everyone is able to be here, and their stress levels are lower.Right now isn’t a good time for everyone else,” Changkyun explained.“Once things calm down, when they have a break, I’ll tell Hyunwoo- _hyung_.”

“Tell _hyung_ what?”Changkyun was surprised to hear another person’s voice in the room, and he looked up to find Hoseok standing there with two plastic _dosirak_ boxes in his hands.The alpha looked upset, although he didn’t give Changkyun a chance to come up with an answer before he spoke again.“Please tell me you aren’t considering leaving again…”

“No!” Changkyun replied, shaking his head.

“That had nothing to do with what we were talking about,” Minhyuk added.“Changkyun- _ah_ isn’t leaving us…”

“Then what were you talking about?What are you going to tell Hyunwoo- _hyung_ when we have a break?” Hoseok asked.

Changkyun took a deep breath, shaking his head.“ _Hyung_ … you can’t tell anyone, okay?” Changkyun asked.

“ _Yah_ … you don’t have to say it if you don’t want to, Changkyun- _ah_ ,” Minhyuk commented.“If you want to wait, you can do that…”

“No, _hyung_.It’s okay,” Changkyun replied, shaking his head.“As long as Hoseok- _hyung_ isn’t going to tell, then it’s okay.”

Hoseok still looked confused, as he sat down on the table in front of Changkyun.“Why do you want it to be a secret, Changkyun- _ah_?Is it something bad?”

“Not at all, _hyung_ ,” Changkyun replied, shaking his head.“I made a decision a couple of days ago… I’m going to ask Hyunwoo- _hyung_ to give me the bite, once all of the _gayos_ are over.I wanted to wait until all of that stress was out of the way, so that everyone would be able to be here.”

The look on Hoseok’s face changed dramatically once he realized what Changkyun was saying.“Wait… this is about wanting to join the pack?”Changkyun nodded, watching as the Alpha smiled widely, shaking his head.“ _Yah_ , seriously… you had me scared that this was something bad.Why would you want to wait to share that news with everyone?”

“I don’t want me joining the pack to become part of everyone else’s stress,” Changkyun replied.“I don’t really know what it’s like, joining a pack.But I don’t want anyone to feel any kind of pressure or anything like that… I want everyone to be happy.”

Changkyun was surprised when Hoseok shook his head, moving to lean over and press a kiss against his forehead.“No one is going to feel pressured by this, Changkyun- _ah_ ,” the alpha replied.“God, they’re going to be so excited when you tell them… I don’t think you know how much we’ve been hoping to hear you say that this is what you want.”

“I still want to wait,” Changkyun replied, as Hoseok sat back down.“There’s too much stress for everyone right now… even if people are going to be excited, I would rather wait until things settle down a bit before I say anything to the others.”

Hoseok nodded.“I understand.I’ll keep this a secret until you’re ready to tell everyone else.But I really don’t think it would be a bad thing to tell everyone sooner,” the alpha replied, before he remembered the lunches that he’d brought.“ _Aish_ … my job was to bring the two of you lunch, and then head back to the studio.”

“You should head back, then,” Changkyun replied, as he took his lunch box and a pair of disposable chopsticks from Hoseok.“Thank you, _hyung…_ for not pushing me to tell everyone before I’m ready.I know I’ve made you all wait a lot longer than I should have…”

“You waited until you were sure, Changkyun- _ah_ ,” Hoseok replied, interrupting him.“There’s nothing wrong with waiting until you know for sure what you want to do.It’s better to know for sure than to make a guess and regret it later.”Changkyun nodded, smiling as Hoseok stood and kissed his forehead again.“I should head back.Call us if you guys need anything, okay?”

“Thank you, _hyung_ ,” Changkyun replied, before turning to dig into his lunchbox.


	51. Pack

Changkyun couldn’t help feeling nervous as he approached Hyunwoo, knowing what he was about to ask the older man.It wasn’t that he was second-guessing his choice; it was more that Changkyun didn’t really know what to expect when he took the bite, and that worried him.“ _Hyung_ … can I talk to you for a minute?” he asked, leaning against the doorway of the room that the alphas and Hyungwon shared.Kihyun had chosen to stay in the room with Changkyun, Jooheon, and Minhyuk permanently once Minhyuk had gotten hurt as well, given the fact that he was going to be staying with them for longer than originally planned anyway.

“Is something wrong, Changkyun- _ah_?” Hyunwoo asked, as the older man sat up from where he had been reading in bed.The five members that were allowed to perform had been given a couple of days off to rest after the end of all of their previous commitments, and everyone seemed to be taking advantage of the freedom - or at least as much as they could.

“Nothing’s wrong.I just wanted to run something by you.In private,” Changkyun replied. 

The alpha nodded, getting up and starting towards the door.“Let’s talk in the nest…” the alpha replied, gently guiding Changkyun away from the bedrooms and into the other, empty room, before he closed the door and helped Changkyun sit down on the mattress on the floor.“What’s going on?”

Changkyun took a deep breath, smiling at the older man.“I think… no, I _know_ that I want to take the bite,” Changkyun replied.“I’ve been thinking about it a lot since I’ve been hurt, and I’ve realized that I’ve been focusing too much on things that don’t really matter in trying to make this decision.But everything that’s happened in the past couple of months has made me realize that this is where I belong.You guys are the ones who have been there for me through everything…”

Hyunwoo nodded at Changkyun’s words.“You’re sure about this?” the alpha asked, reaching out and taking one of Changkyun’s hands.“We’re all willing to wait for you to be sure of your choice… no one is going to be upset about waiting a little while longer for you to choose.All we care about is making sure that you’re making the right choice…”

“This is the right choice,” Changkyun replied, smiling.“I know what I’m doing, _hyung_.I know that you all love me, even though I’m not the perfect omega.I’m never going to be perfect, but I know that you guys will accept me for who I am.Because you _have_ accepted me for who I am.That’s what I need from a pack… people who accept me, and who support my decisions and my choices.And maybe I could find that with another pack, too, but I don’t want to keep looking because I know that’s what I have here.”

Changkyun was surprised when Hyunwoo leaned in to wrap him in a tight hug, pressing a kiss against his temple before he pulled back.“We do love you, and we’re going to be here for you while you finish figuring everything else out,” the alpha commented.“Do you want me to do this now, or should I get the others…?”

“I think they should know, before it happens,” Changkyun replied, nodding.“I don’t feel like everyone _has_ to be in the room, but… I think I need to see that they still want me in the pack, too.Not because I don’t trust you.I just need to know for sure that it isn’t just me.”

Hyunwoo nodded.“Okay.Let me go get the others, so that we can talk about it.We’ll let them decide whether or not they want to stay when it actually happens,” Hyunwoo replied.

The alpha leaned in to press a gentle kiss against Changkyun’s lips, which set off the butterflies in Changkyun’s stomach, before heading out to gather up the rest of the pack.It didn’t take long at all for the others to start trickling in, with Hoseok being the first person to join Changkyun in the nest.“ _Yah_ … is this what I think it is?” Hoseok asked, as he sat down next to Changkyun on the mattress.Changkyun nodded, smiling as Hoseok put an arm around his shoulders.“Good.I was starting to worry that you were going to change your mind without talking to Hyunwoo- _hyung_.”

“I haven’t changed my mind… this is what I want.I’m sure of it,” Changkyun replied.

It was only a couple of minutes before Hyunwoo had the entire pack gathered in the nest, but it was long enough for Changkyun to start to feel nervous about what was going to happen when the rest of the pack found out what was going on.

“So… why do we need to have a pack meeting right now?” Hyungwon asked.It was fairly obvious that the man wasn’t completely awake, as he yawned loudly.

“Changkyun- _ah_ has something he wants to tell everyone…” Hyunwoo began, rubbing Changkyun’s back as he smiled.“Go ahead, Changkyun- _ah_.”

Changkyun nodded, taking a breath before he spoke.“I want to join the pack.I’ve realized that this is where I belong… you guys have been here for me through everything, and you’re still here for me.You accept me for who I am.And I’ve realized that’s exactly what I _need_ from a pack - people who accept all of my baggage, and love me anyway.I’m supposed to be with Monsta X.Not just as a member of the group, but as a member of the pack, if you’ll have me.”

There was a moment of silence once Changkyun finished.He couldn’t bring himself to look at the members that were hearing his words for the first time, for fear that he would see something other than the acceptance that he was hoping for.Finally, it was Kihyun that spoke.“Of course we want you, Changkyun- _ah_ ,” the beta replied.Changkyun looked up at his _hyungs_ , thankful to see that everyone was smiling at him.“We’ve wanted you since day one - waiting hasn’t changed that.If anything, I think we want you to be part of our pack even more than we already did because we’re gotten to know you even better.”

“Agreed… we’re just happy that you’ve decided,” Hyungwon added.

“So, what happens now?This is the first time we’ve added someone since we formed the pack,” Jooheon asked.“Are we all supposed to be here?”

“I don’t know…” Hyunwoo began, shaking his head.“We all know that it’s an intense thing.I think it would be good for everyone to stay, but it’s up to you guys.”

“What do you want, Changkyun- _ah_?” Hoseok asked.

Changkyun bit down on his bottom lip, thinking about his options.“I think… I would like it if you guys stayed.But you don’t have to stay if you don’t want to,” Changkyun replied.

“Of course we want to stay… this is kind of a big deal,” Minhyuk replied.“We want to be here for you.We love you.”

“Are you ready, Changkyun- _ah_?” Hyunwoo asked, rubbing Changkyun’s back.

“Does it hurt?” Changkyun asked.

“No… it actually feels really good,” Jooheon replied.“ _Hyung_ knows what he’s doing, and he’ll take good care of you.”

Changkyun nodded, turning to look up at Hyunwoo.“I’m ready, _hyung_ ,” he commented.

“Come here, pup.”Changkyun let Hyunwoo pull him into the his lap, wrapping his arms around Changkyun’s waist.“Just relax, okay?I’m not going to hurt you.”Changkyun nodded, relaxing back into the alpha’s chest as Hyunwoo kissed his neck just above his scent gland.It felt good, which helped Changkyun relax further so that he could close his eyes.

The bite itself felt strange; while it certainly wasn’t painful, Changkyun could feel the alpha’s teeth sinking into his skin.It was followed by a sudden rush of emotions that Changkyun didn’t completely understand, even as they filled his head and made it difficult for him to think about anything as Hyunwoo let go of his neck.

By the time the rush of emotions had calmed down, Changkyun found himself laying down on the mattress, with the familiar warmth of Hyunwoo on one side and Jooheon on the other.Changkyun could tell that there was something different going on in his head; it was almost as if he could _feel_ the love from the rest of his pack, even though they weren’t all physically there with him.“What happened?” he asked, confused by the unexpected change in positions.

“You got a little loopy on us, and we figured it would probably be better if we settled in for a little while to let you recover,” Hyunwoo replied.

“I didn’t do anything too crazy…?” Changkyun began.

“No… but it did take you a little longer to get through all of the emotional stuff than the rest of us,” Jooheon replied.“It’s different, right?Feeling it all?”

Changkyun nodded.“I don’t know what this is…” he began.

“It’s the pack bond… it takes some getting used to, but it’s a good thing,” Jooheon replied.“It helps us take care of each other.We can feel each other’s emotions, so that we can know if there’s something going on that needs to be dealt with.”Changkyun felt Hyunwoo stroking a hand through his hair, and he couldn’t help relaxing and closing his eyes as Hyunwoo continued to stroke his hair.

“So you guys will know when my head gets fucked up?” Changkyun asked.

“When you’re struggling, we’ll be able to feel it.If you need us, we’ll be there for you,” Hyunwoo confirmed.“You just have to let us know what you need.We’re going to have your back, no matter what.”

“That’s all I want.”


End file.
